Skip to content
Search
Not sure
FR
Search

We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.

Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.

Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.

Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.

Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.

It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.

Understanding your anger 

Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:

  • How could they do this to me?
  • People are always going to hurt me!
  • I hate them!
  • Why did I ever trust them?
  • The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
  • What is wrong with them?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • No one ever helps me!
  • They are all idiots!
  • It’s not fair!
  • I want to punch somebody!
  • People are out to get me.

These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.

There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.

Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.

The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.

Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.

There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:

  • feeling hurt
  • not having your expectations met
  • not having your needs met

If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.

From the Mayo Clinic: Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.

Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.

What can help

  • Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
  • If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
  • Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
  • Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
  • Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important

Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.

  • Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
  • Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.

After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

  • Trust in the person who harassed you.
  • Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
  • What you thought you knew about others.
  • What you thought you knew about yourself.
  • Faith or confidence in the justice system.
  • Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
  • The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
  • Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
  • Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
  • Comfort in your own body.
  • Your job or job stability.
  • Financial stability.
  • Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

Sexual harassment is usually a surprise. Even when it’s not, it’s really common for people to react by feeling shocked and taken aback.

The first thing you need to know is that it’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

  • I can’t believe this happened.
  • I’m probably misremembering what happened.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I don’t know why I’m upset.
  • What just happened?
  • Am I sure that just happened?
  • I can’t believe this happened again.
  • I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

  • Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

  • It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
  • Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
  • Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
  • Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
  • It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
  • Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

  1. Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
  2. Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a safe workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society in Canada that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

  • We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
  • We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
  • An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace. When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
  • When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we are supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
  • When someone is harassed, the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
  • When someone is victimized, we don’t judge or blame them.
  • When people seek help from public service institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
  • When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
  • Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

  • I can’t believe this is happening.
  • This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
  • I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
  • I feel so let down.
  • I feel like I’ve been so naive.
  • How could I have been so stupid?
  • I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
  • How can people be so awful?
  • I knew I couldn’t trust them.
  • I knew nobody would help me.
  • This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
  • What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
  • This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

  • the person who harassed you
  • your boss
  • other senior people at your work
  • HR
  • your co-workers
  • your family or friends
  • your professional community
  • the police
  • health care professionals
  • the legal system
  • your community
  • your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

  • If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
  • If we’re queer, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
  • Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
  • Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

  • Can I be honest and real with this person?
  • After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
  • Does this person seem to really understand me?
  • Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
  • Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

  • I want to be able to be honest and real.
  • I want to feel uplifted.
  • I want to feel close.
  • I want to be understood.
  • I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I want to feel capable of positive change.
  • I want to grow in important ways.
  • I want to feel a sense of belonging.
  • I want to be supported.
  • If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
  • I want to be free to be myself.
  • I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
  • I want to be seen and appreciated.
  • I want to be curious about what comes next.
  • I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

If you’re reading this article, we’re guessing you’ve been harassed and you’re thinking about it a lot. When we’ve interviewed people, they’ve described themselves as “obsessing” or “ruminating” about the harassment. Maybe that’s true for you.

We’re going to ask you to do something that may seem a little weird.

We’re going to ask you to pretend for a moment that the harassment never happened. Just put it out of your head.

Then take a couple of minutes and think about these questions. We’re not going to ask you to do anything with the answers. We’re just asking you to think.

  • What do you like about your current job, and what do you dislike?
  • When you think about yourself five or 10 years from now, what job do you hope you’ll have?
  • What plans do you have to get there?

Now, try asking yourself these questions:

  • What’s the obvious next step in my career?
  • If I got a really great promotion, something that would make my friends and family really proud, what would that job be?
  • In a complete fantasy world, where I could do anything, what’s a job that I might find incredibly satisfying, where other people might be surprised to see me in it?

Now take a minute to think about what kinds of jobs you like.

  • Do you like stability and security, or do you prefer novelty and fun and excitement?
  • Do you like a job that’s calm and steady, or do you prefer time pressure and a fast pace?
  • Do you like to work alone, or do you prefer being part of a team?
  • Do you want work–life balance, or is work your number one priority?
  • Do you want to feel like your work is making the world a better place, or do you want to be creative, solve challenging problems, make a lot of money, or have power and authority?

Why are we asking you these questions?

Because sexual harassment has a way of pulling people off track and making them forget their own goals.

It totally makes sense. You didn’t ask to be harassed, you weren’t expecting it, and you probably don’t have a plan for handling it. So it makes sense that it would be an “interrupting” kind of event, and you’d need to drop everything else to figure out how to handle it.

That’s okay and normal and fine, for a while. But there comes a point where you are going to want it to stop.

If the harasser can drag you off course and force you to spend tons of time thinking about them and how to handle the harassment—well, then we think the harasser kind of wins. You’re all tied up in knots and running around in circles and meanwhile they’re…totally fine.

We want you to win.

So we want to make this super clear.

The number one way to protect your career is to stay focused on your career.

That’s what we want for you.

How to protect your career if you’ve reported the harassment

It might feel hard to focus on your work while you’re being harassed. We get that. It is hard. So here are some tips.

If you’ve reported the harassment, as soon as you can afterward, try to find opportunities to talk with your boss about other things

It doesn’t really matter what you talk about. The point is to have some normal, ordinary conversations with your boss that are not about the harassment. Your goal is to show them that you’re the same person you were before you reported the harassment, so you can have a normal working relationship where they don’t feel awkward around you. So they can see you more like “Alex, my employee,” and less like “Alex, who’s created a huge problem for me and the company.”

Try to discourage other people from pigeonholing you as “that person who got sexually harassed”

You can develop some scripts for this. Like, “I don’t really want to talk or think about the harassment too much; let’s talk about something else.” Or “I reported the harassment and now for me it’s basically over. It’s between him and the company now, it’s got nothing to do with me.” Or “To me, getting harassed was just a bad thing that happened, like a car crash or getting robbed. I would really like to just move on.”

Try to discourage people from imagining the situation as a personal dispute between you and the harasser

You can develop scripts for this too. Like, “Before this happened, I hardly knew that guy. I barely even knew his name.” Or “I have no idea why someone would do something like that. I was just doing my job and then, out of nowhere, he did that. It’s so weird.” Or “I actually don’t really have an opinion on what the company should do about him. I’m not a harassment expert or an HR person, so how would I know?”

Try to refocus people on thinking about you as a worker, an employee, with goals and hopes and dreams

This is really important. Try to seek out people who you think might be able to help you with your career, either at your job or outside it. Be open with them about your hopes and dreams for your work. Encourage them to tell you about opportunities, to recommend you for jobs, to tell other people you’re great. Other people can help your career a lot, but they can’t do it unless they know what you want.

That’s our advice.

If none of it is working and things are going badly for you, then we want to seriously advise you to consider job hunting. Sometimes getting a new job is the best way to protect your career—and if that’s true for you, it’s better to start looking early, before your career gets too messed up.

How to protect your career if you stay at work and don’t report

This one’s easy. If you stay at work and don’t report, your career may not get damaged at all.

In this scenario, the harassment eventually stops, or you figure out ways to shut it down or safely ignore it. You don’t need to change anything significant about your work to stay safe. Nobody gossips about you. And eventually you stop thinking about the whole thing.

Things often do play out this way, and if it’s what happens for you, that’s great. But you can’t count on it.

What sometimes actually happens instead is that you think you’re coping okay, but in reality the harassment is taking up a ton of your time and emotional energy. You’re “fine” (you’re not a mess, you’re surviving), but you just don’t have the time and energy you used to have for your work, and so you do less well at it.

Or, you’re not fine at all. The harassment is grinding you down and messing with your mental health. It happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it. But one day you realize you’re actually kind of a mess.

You don’t want that. So you need to keep an eye on yourself.

We recommend you check in on yourself. You can do it every day, or once a week. Maybe set a calendar reminder. Once in a while, ask yourself these questions:

  • When was the last time I thought about the harassment?
  • When was the last time I did something differently because of the harassment?
  • Is the harassment making it harder for me to do my job?

If you don’t like the answers to those questions, it might be time to start job hunting.

How to protect your career if you quit your job

By now you know that we think quitting your job might be a good way to protect your career.

It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to do it, but realistically, sometimes it’s the best decision.

The four types of high-harassment workplaces

Researchers have found there are four types of work environments where sexual and gender-based harassment is most common.

Workplaces where most of the workers are men

These are sometimes called “majority-male” workplaces or “male-dominant” workplaces. And there are a lot of them, especially in industries like science and technology, construction and the trades, transportation and warehousing, mining, quarrying and oil and gas extraction, fisheries and forestry, and policing and the military. In these workplaces, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “hostility based.” That means that some people think you don’t belong in their workplace or industry and are harassing you to force you out.

Workplaces where most of the clients or customers are men

This is true in much of the hospitality industry (bartending, serving, hosting). It’s true for sex work. It’s true for some kinds of health-care and personal support work (PSW, nanny, cleaner, personal assistant), and for many jobs in sales, consulting, and business services. In this kind of work, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “desire based,” which means that some people feel like it’s okay for them to behave in sexual ways with you, even if you don’t want them to.

Workplaces where most people are white (if you’re not)

For racialized people, it can be hard to know whether you’re being harassed for reasons related to your sex or gender, or because of your race. Often it’s both. If you’re racialized, a majority-white workplace could be a high-harassment environment for you. This kind of harassment can be either hostility based or desire based, or a mix of both.

Workplaces where most people aren’t queer (if you are)

If you’re queer, a high-harassment environment for you is any workplace where queer people make up just a tiny minority, or don’t seem present at all. This is especially true for you if you’re trans, and/or if people perceive you as anything other than male. This kind of harassment is usually hostility based. Some people are offended by your presence (or even your existence), and so they want to force you out, or force you to behave in a way they approve of.

What leads people to change their careers

If you’re being harassed at a workplace like the ones described above, and you’re trying to decide whether to change your whole career as a result, the first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing is very, very common.

It’s pretty simple.

If someone’s getting harassed at work and can’t find a way to make it stop, they will usually consider quitting their job. If they think they’re just as likely to be harassed at their next job, that’s when people start considering a bigger change.

  • They want to be able to relax at work, rather than needing to always be on guard and suspicious.
  • They want to be physically and emotionally safe.
  • They want to be able to focus on their work, instead of being distracted by harassment.
  • They want to be around people they like and can be friendly with—or at least, to avoid people who are hostile or predatory.
  • They want to be treated with a basic level of respect.
  • They want their work to be judged on the basis of their actual performance.
  • They want normal opportunities to advance at work. To be praised, promoted, and make more money.
  • They want to be able to be themselves at work, rather than needing to hide or change parts of themselves to avoid harassment.

Here are some real-life stories of people who changed their careers to get away from harassment. Some of them we talked with ourselves, and some are from books or news articles. A lot of examples:

  • A female software engineer was sexually harassed for more than 10 years while working at big tech companies. She quit the industry and went to work in the non-profit sector.
  • A female welder was harassed on her first day on the job, and every day after that. After two years she quit, and now she makes glass art.
  • A nonbinary person held a bunch of different jobs for about a decade and was harassed at all of them. Today, they are self-employed and working alone, doing bicycle repair.
  • After she transitioned, an auditor at a big accounting firm started getting harassed a lot by her co-workers. She quit and took a job bookkeeping at a hotel with a largely-queer clientele.
  • A First Nation woman became a city councillor and then resigned because the job exposed her to so much racism and sexism. Today she’s an Indigenous advocate and artist.

How to decide if changing your career is right for you

It’s actually a pretty simple trade-off.

The research says that people who change their career to get out of high-harassment environments end up happier but poorer. It’s that simple.

  • They’re happier because they feel like they can be themselves at work, and they end up working with people they like a lot better than their previous co-workers.
  • They’re poorer because they often go through a period of being unemployed or underemployed, because sometimes they need to spend money to retrain for their new career, and because their new career pays less. (We explain more about that a little further down in this article.)

So it’s a pretty simple question. Can you afford to make less money in exchange for more happiness?

(Okay, it’s not actually 100% that simple. If you’re working in a low-paid job right now, it’s definitely possible to go back to school and get training and end up making more money in the end. That absolutely happens; it’s not even uncommon. But if you want more money and less harassment, that isn’t always easy to get.)

How to get started changing your career

The first and most important thing you need to know is don’t wait too long.

If you think you might want to change your career, get started early. It’s going to take a lot of planning and a lot of effort, and meanwhile every day you spend in a harassment-heavy industry is going to cost you—emotionally, and maybe even physically.

So you are going to want to start now.

Here are some things to think about:

Trust your own instincts

We want to encourage you to trust your own instincts. If you think it’s right to leave, you are correct. We’re saying this because other people—your friends, your family, professional contacts—may encourage you to stay. If they do, you can ignore them. They’re not in your shoes and they don’t know what you’re experiencing. We urge you to trust yourself. You are the expert on you.

High-harassment industries pay more than low-harassment ones.

This is an important piece of information that a lot of people don’t know. Economists call it a wage premium, and it’s why practically everyone who switches their career to get away from harassment ends up making less money. If you’re considering a change, you need to know this. You should try to save as much money as much as you can now, before you quit. It’s also a good idea to start cutting back your expenses.

Consider independent contractor or consultant work

This is something a lot of people do. But researchers say that, for many people, this turns out to just be a stage that they pass through. Most people, five or so years later, are doing something completely different than what they were doing when they first got harassed.

Unemployment or underemployment is normal

A lot of people, once they quit a high-harassment industry, stumble around for a while before they figure out what they really want to do. It’s normal for people to be unemployed or underemployed for a year or two, or even more. This could easily happen to you. It’s another argument for saving money and doing a lot of planning before you quit.

High-harassment industries have higher status

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: The kinds of careers in which you’re likely to be harassed have higher status than harassment-free environments. Ugh, but it’s true. You might want to think about how much you—and your family and friends—care about status. If you care a lot, that might make your decisions harder.

Wanting to work alone is common

When people leave a high-harassment environment, it’s normal for them to go through a period where they don’t want to work with other people at all. Wanting to work alone, experts say, is a pretty common part of the healing process, and will probably naturally come to an end. If you find yourself wanting to work alone for a while, that’s normal, and it’s nothing to worry about.

Retraining is worth considering

Lots of people end up retraining for a new field. It’s worth thinking about whether you want to go back to school. Is there a particular field that’s always interested you? If you got some new skills, would that qualify you for work you might enjoy? You might feel like you’re too old to go back to school, or it would be too expensive. But if it puts you in a position where you’ll enjoy your work more, it’s definitely worth considering.

You might be happiest working with people like you

Researchers say that the people who end up healthiest and happiest after a career change are often those who move into an industry or field where they can work with people more like themselves. (Like, a trans woman working with other trans people, or a First Nation woman working with other Indigenous people.) If this is something you’re considering, it’s a really good idea to start building your network of people like you. Find out where they work and what they do. Ask if they like it. Ask how they got into it. Ask if there are any job openings.

Canada has a lot of laws aiming at protecting people who experience workplace sexual harassment. To know which ones apply to you, you need to know whether you are a provincially regulated worker or a federally regulated worker.

The vast majority of workers in Canada—about 93%—are covered under provincial laws. Those people are protected by the employment laws and human rights laws of the province or territory where they work. Most people are provincially regulated because everybody is provincially regulated by default, unless their industry has been officially designated as federal.

About 7% of Canadians work in federally regulated industries. Those people are protected by the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act. Some people think that the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act cover everybody in the country, but that’s not true. They only cover people who work in federally regulated industries.

What are the federally regulated industries?

There are two categories of workplaces that are federally regulated—the private and public sectors.

Federally regulated private sectors are:

  • banks, including authorized foreign banks
  • airports, air transportation (for example, Air Canada, WestJet)
  • interprovincial/international transportation (for example, railways, trucking companies, marine shipping, interprovincial buses)
  • fisheries
  • telephone, cable systems, and telegraph companies
  • television and radio broadcasting
  • uranium mining and processing
  • grain elevators
  • First Nation band councils (including certain community services on reserves)
  • Crown corporations (for example, Canada Post, Royal Canadian Mint)
  • private-sector firms and municipalities in Yukon, the Northwest Territories, and Nunavut

Federally regulated public sectors are:

  • the federal public service
  • Parliament (Senate, House of Commons)

If you work in one of these sectors, you’re most likely a federally regulated worker. If you’re not sure, you can contact the federal Labour Program.

What legislation applies to federally regulated workers?

The Canada Labour Code

The Canada Labour Code covers all federally regulated workplaces. It sets out federal labour laws, and defines the rights and responsibilities of workers and employers in federally regulated workplaces. Federal workplace laws apply to all employers and workplaces that are the responsibility of the federal government.

Part II of the Canada Labour Code, Occupational Health and Safety, talks about harassment and violence in the workplace. The code defines workplace harassment and violence as “any action, conduct or comment, including of a sexual nature, that can reasonably be expected to cause offence, humiliation or other physical or psychological injury or illness to an employee, including any prescribed action, conduct or comment.”

This definition includes sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic violence in the workplace.

The Canadian Human Rights Act

The Canadian Human Rights Act protects people who are employed or getting services in workplaces under federal power from discrimination. These workplaces are:

  • the federal government
  • First Nations governments
  • Federally regulated private sectors

Under the Canadian Human Rights Act, it’s against the law for a federal service provider or employer to discriminate on the grounds of:

  • race
  • national or ethnic origin
  • colour
  • religion
  • age
  • sex
  • sexual orientation
  • gender identity or expression
  • marital status
  • family status
  • genetic characteristics
  • disability
  • having been pardoned of a criminal conviction

We can’t say this enough. Seriously, we can’t.

You need to build a support network to help you get through this.

When people look back years later, they all say the same thing: their support network was the thing that helped them the most.

Talk with people you can trust to listen and support you

Why do this?

It will help you emotionally process what’s happening. Sexual harassment can seriously mess you up. It helps to talk with other people.

But here’s something that may surprise you. Experts say the best people to talk with aren’t necessarily the ones you’re closest with.

What you’re looking for is someone to listen to you and sympathize with you. Sometimes, the people you’re closest to can’t do that. They might get mad or be overprotective. They might tell you what to do, or insist they’re going to do something. They might have strong opinions, and they might be wrong.

Experts say it’s best to talk with people who will give you 100% sympathy and kindness, and let you make your own decisions.

Don’t talk with people at work (at least, not right away)

Why not?

People at your work can be an important source of sympathy and information. They can also act as witnesses, if you end up reporting.

But experts say it makes sense to wait a little before talking with your co-workers.

There are a couple of reasons why:

  • If you tell someone at work what’s happening to you, they might report it and trigger a formal investigation. Even a co-worker could do that. If you’re not sure you want an investigation, it makes sense to avoid triggering one by accident.
  • They may tell other people. That can lead to you being gossiped about and judged. You could end up getting labelled as “a problem” or “difficult to work with.”
  • They may side with the harasser and believe that you are misunderstanding or exaggerating what’s happening. Experts say that, before you risk talking with people who might react badly, it’s better to first spend some time thinking and talking with people you know will be sympathetic.

Find additional sources for support, even if your family and friends are pretty solid

You might be surprised to hear that experts say it’s a good idea to call a domestic violence hotline or a rape hotline or a mental health crisis line.

That may seem like a strange suggestion, because what you’re experiencing isn’t domestic violence or rape, and you may not feel like you’re in crisis. You may feel like reaching out to that kind of support is overkill, and you’d be taking up services from people who need them more than you do.

But the experts say it’s a good idea anyway. They say it makes sense for you to reach out to people who have been specially trained to provide support. To listen without judgment, to not gaslight or disbelieve you, and to connect you with other resources that might help.

Or, you could find somewhere online to talk with people.

There are lots of websites and online communities where people talk about their experiences of sexual harassment and get support from one another. For example, there are some pretty good forums on Reddit, like the sexual harassment subreddit, the subreddit offering support for survivors of sexual assault, and the rape subreddit. Just be aware that most people on Reddit are Americans, and so any legal or HR advice they give you might not be true for Canada.

Why should you seek out support from these places? Experts say that, if you look for advice and support only from your family and friends, that won’t necessarily go well for you. They can feel helpless and overwhelmed, and that can end up straining your relationship and adding more stress to your life.

It’s better, experts say, to get advice and support from people who are voluntarily offering it, and especially from people who have personal experience or professional expertise. That’s what will help you the most.

If you’re a federally regulated worker and you’re injured or become ill because of something that happened at work, you fall under the Government Employees Compensation Act.

How workers comp works if you’re a federally regulated worker

Applying for workers comp for federally regulated workers is a two-step process. Rather than having its own system, the government uses provincial workers compensation agencies—for example, in Ontario, the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board—to provide services for its workers. So you first make your claim through the Labour Program’s Federal Workers’ Compensation Service at Employment and Social Development Canada. The ESDC office then sends your claim to the appropriate provincial authority.

Only some provinces and territories accept claims for harm to mental health due to harassment or bullying.

 Find out how to apply for workers comp in your province or territory.

Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

If you suspect you’re being punished for complaining about workplace sexual harassment, you’re probably right. It’s very common.

Let’s talk about why punishment happens, and what it looks like.

When you complain about being sexually harassed, you might expect that people would feel bad for you and want to help you. But that’s not usually what happens. What’s more common, researchers say, is that you end up getting blamed for complaining.

This happens because people are misunderstanding the problem. The actual problem is the harassment, which means the person to blame is the harasser. But when somebody complains about harassment, people often react as though the problem is actually the complaint. Which leads them to blame you.

Why does that happen?

  • Supervisors can be uncomfortable handling sexual harassment complaints, because sexual harassment complaints are legally sensitive and…well, awkward. It’s really common for the person you tell to feel burdened and resentful.
  • Sometimes your employer is afraid of the person who harassed you, or is friendly with them, or thinks they are more valuable to the workplace than you are.
  • People will often sympathize with the harasser, and worry about their reputation or ability to make a living. They may think it’s reckless or mean for you to complain.
  • The harasser will often argue that you are making a big deal out of nothing. If there are no witnesses (and there usually aren’t), it becomes a “he said, she said” situation, and people at your work may argue with each other and pick sides. This can be disruptive, and you may get blamed for it.
  • People may decide you’re a drama queen, a liar, or have a chip on your shoulder. This is especially likely if you’re racialized, Indigenous, queer, young, or new to your workplace.
  • It’s pretty common for harassment complaints to result in everybody needing to take sexual harassment training. A lot of people think that’s a waste of time, and will blame you for having to do it.
  • The longer your complaint process drags on (even if the slowness has nothing to do with you), the likelier it is that people will decide you are impossible to satisfy.
  • If you’re suffering, people may feel guilty about not helping you, and that may make them dislike you.

So what does punishment look like in practice?

Even if you don’t know what is being said about you, even if you don’t know who is saying what, you can feel what is being said in how people react to you, speak to you, address you, in sideways glances, how you are dropped, the invitations you stop receiving, how you are dropped from texts, how they stop referring to your work, how they turn away when you turn up. 

Sara Ahmed, Complaint!

Punishment takes many forms. Sometimes it’s subtle, and sometimes it’s not. Here are some common ways that people get punished:

  • You get scheduled to work less often, or you get less-good shifts.
  • People stop doing you favours and treating you well.
  • You start getting frozen out socially by your co-workers.
  • People start withholding information from you that you need to do your job.
  • You start getting told you’re hard to work with.
  • You get a bad performance evaluation.
  • You get formally reprimanded or fired.

What to do if you’re being punished

It depends on who’s punishing you.

Punishments by your boss

If you’re being punished by your boss or someone in a position of authority at your workplace, that might legally be considered a reprisal.

A reprisal is an action, or threat, that’s meant to punish someone who’s standing up for their rights. In the case of sexual harassment, it means that you have complained about the harassment and are being punished because of your complaint.

 If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing reprisals:

  • Have your job duties changed since your complaint?
  • Were your performance reviews mostly positive before the harassment and now they’re mostly negative?
  • Has your rate of pay or hours of work decreased?
  • Have you been demoted?
  • Are you being disciplined more than before you complained?
  • Does your manager or supervisor behave differently toward you?
  • Are you being denied opportunities, like a promotion or training?
  • Has a person in authority made comments that made you feel they’re upset you reported?
  • Have you been disciplined or fired because of your complaint?

In Canada, reprisals are illegal. That’s why it’s important to understand whether you’re experiencing a reprisal or just an ordinary punishment. If your employer fires you because you’re always late, that’s not a reprisal and the law isn’t going to protect you. If an employer fires you because you complained about sexual harassment, that’s a reprisal. It’s illegal, and the law is on your side.

It’s not usually hard to prove that the reprisals happened. What’s hard is to prove that they happened because you complained. If you’re considering making a case that you’re experiencing reprisals, it’s important to gather as much evidence and documentation as you can, linking the punishment to your complaint.   

Where to report reprisals

Human rights bodies take cases based on reprisals. So do labour boards and civil courts. If you are unionized and you have started a grievance, the reprisal can be added to the grievance and dealt with at the same time.

If you start experiencing reprisals after you’ve started a case, or even after the case has already been decided, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s too late to include them in your case. Talk with your lawyer, union rep, or union staff right away. They can help you add evidence about the reprisals so that everything gets handled together.

If you haven’t yet started a sexual harassment case or if you told your employer about the harassment and then started being punished, the human rights body is a good place to start.

What else can you do?

Most of these avenues are slow and expensive, and there is no guarantee of success.

Punishments by your co-workers

If you’re being punished by your co-workers, that might or might not be legally considered a reprisal. If a boss or another person with authority over you has some control over the situation, it’s a reprisal. If they don’t, it isn’t.

That doesn’t mean punishment by your co-workers isn’t damaging. It definitely can be. It just means it’s not legally considered a reprisal, which means your employer can’t be held accountable for it.

Here are some common ways in which co-workers punish people:

  • They leave you out of social gatherings.
  • They refuse to talk to you.
  • They talk about you negatively to other people.
  • They drop you from email or text exchanges.
  • They don’t help you with work tasks, or they set you up to fail at them.
  • They don’t help you if you’re in an unsafe situation.
  • They play abusive pranks on you or tell offensive “jokes” at your expense.
  • They use slurs to describe you.
  • They threaten or bully you, verbally or physically.
  • They damage your personal property.

If it’s bad enough, then your workplace might be what’s called “toxic.” That’s a legal term.

There is no single legal definition of a toxic work environment. But generally it’s considered to be a workplace where there is so much harassment and abuse that a reasonable person would find it intolerable to work there.

It can be hard to tell if your workplace is toxic. There are lots of bad workplaces, but not all of them are toxic.

It’s not necessarily a toxic workplace if:

  • People don’t like you.
  • People are rude to you.
  • People ignore you.
  • People play a lot of pranks and tell crass jokes.
  • People make it hard for you to do your job.

But it may be a toxic workplace, especially if:

  • You are being harassed all the time.
  • You feel unsafe or threatened.
  • Any reasonable person would find what’s happening to you intolerable.
  • Your employer knows about it and doesn’t do anything to stop it.

There’s an important distinction between a workplace that’s “toxic” versus one that’s “poisoned.” In a toxic workplace, you personally are being treated badly. In a poisoned workplace, sexual harassment is not just hurting one or two people but is creating a poisoned environment by sexualizing the workplace for everyone. Everyone is being affected. If you’re trying to prove that you’re experiencing reprisals because you complained about being sexually harassed, you can show evidence that it has become toxic for you or you can also show how it has poisoned the workplace for everyone. Or both. 

If this all sounds complicated, it is! That’s why we advise you to get a lawyer if you can.

How and where to get help

Your employer has a legal obligation to provide you with a harassment-free environment. If your workplace is getting toxic to the point where it’s intolerable, there are places you can go for help.

  • First, you can report it to your employer or union, and remind them of their obligations. If they don’t address the problem, that may violate health and safety laws.
  • If you belong to a union, you can ask it to bring a grievance against your employer.
  • You can file a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, saying that your employer failed to protect you against harassment, allowing your human rights to be violated. If you have already started a human rights complaint for compensation, you can add the impact of the reprisals to your complaint.
  • If you’re not a union member, you can start a civil action against your employer saying you have experienced constructive dismissal, because your employer’s failure to protect you against harassment amounts to a fundamental change to your employment agreement. If you are considering this, consult a lawyer first.

Your union represents you and other members by negotiating things like better working conditions with your employer, including freedom from harassment in the workplace. Its duties include helping you protect your rights in the workplace. One of the things it’s supposed to do is make sure that your employer takes steps to keep you safe from workers who have sexually harassed people.

What your union should do for you

Ideally, unions act to give employees more power in the workplace. You should be able to go to your union for help when you report workplace sexual harassment. If it agrees that harassment happened or may have happened, it should support you when dealing with your complaint to your employer.

Unions don’t always back you up, though. That’s because your union’s job is to represent both your interests, and the interests of its other members. When it comes to sexual harassment, those two things can come into conflict. The union is supposed to keep you safe, but also defend the harasser. And so, although your union should help you, you may find it isn’t as helpful as you’d hoped.

Unfortunately, in cases where there is a male-dominated union membership, often with an exclusively male executive, there can be a tendency to focus on representing the interests of a male harasser to the detriment of a female co-worker in the bargaining unit minority.

Susan Hart, associate professor, faculty of business administration, Memorial University.
“Women’s Rights and Labour Arbitration of Co-Worker Sexual Harassment Cases in Canada.”

The union’s main job is to make sure your employer is following the law and the collective agreement when it comes to handling your complaint properly.

The collective agreement will cover all areas of the work relationship. It explains the rights and obligations of your employer, the union, and the union members. Your collective agreement is specific to your union and employer, and may cover things like wages, hours, working conditions, and benefits. Collective agreements sometimes have specific references to harassment and discrimination, although the majority don’t. If yours does, it can give you more information about how your sexual harassment claim will be handled by your union and your employer.

If you don’t have a copy of the agreement, it should be available through a union representative or perhaps online at the union’s website. Sometimes the union and the employer don’t agree on what wording in the collective agreement means, and there may be other documents online that will help interpret it.

No matter what your agreement says, your employer has a legal duty to investigate if you report being harassed. If they refuse, or the investigation isn’t done properly, your union can file a grievance.

Important

The law says that every employer must follow human rights law and health and safety laws, whether the collective agreement says this or not.

How to talk to your union

It’s your union representative’s job to help you understand your collective agreement and what your rights are under it. This person, who may also be called a shop steward, a union steward, or a bargaining unit representative, is who you can ask for help when you are reporting sexual harassment. In general, discussions between you and the union representative are confidential. They should be able to give you information about your options under the collective agreement and what the union can do to help you.

Unfortunately, people who have experienced sexual harassment can feel disconnected from their union representatives and other staff members of the union. Many unions don’t have diverse representation among their staff, especially in leadership positions. As a result, you might find they don’t support you.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your union representative, you can contact your union’s office to see if there is someone else you can talk to. For example, there might also be a women’s caucus, a human rights division, or a labour relations officer who can help with issues like sexual harassment.

Before speaking to your union representative, document everything.

Think about what supports and outcomes you want so you make clear to your union representative what you would like to see happen.

How your union can help you

A good union can help you in a number of ways:

  • locating witnesses and persuading them to testify
  • providing evidence of previous incidents of harassment by the harasser
  • protecting you from retaliation, both from your employer and from other workers, who may be upset that you have complained about a colleague
  • providing moral support

Important

The union brings the grievance against the employer on your behalf. It is not a complaint against the harasser. Once a grievance is filed, the union may ask your opinion, but it decides whether it wants to settle the grievance, withdraw it, or change it.

What if I don’t want to pursue a grievance?

You might not want your union to launch a grievance. However, if you’re a unionized worker, you have limited legal options outside of the grievance procedure when it comes to making a sexual harassment complaint. Depending on the situation, your union might be able to help you with one or more claims for other legal supports and remedies, including making a workers’ compensation claim.

Other routes, like making a claim at a human rights body, may or may not be possible. Being a unionized worker makes it impossible to sue your employer in civil court. Workplace issues have to go through the collective agreement process and cannot be dealt with in court.

What if my union doesn’t help?

Your union has the legal responsibility to fairly represent you when it comes to issues in your workplace. It is also supposed to treat you in a way that is not discriminatory under human rights laws. In general, your union owes you what’s called a duty of fair representation. This means it isn’t supposed to treat you, or your sexual harassment case, in a way that is arbitrary, discriminatory, or in bad faith.

Each word has a legal definition.

“Arbitrary” behaviour is actions that are “indifferent, unreliable, implausible, or unreasonable.” Unions themselves aren’t responsible for investigating a complaint; that is the employer’s job. But a union must investigate and pursue grievances if your employer fails to explore a harassment complaint or some other violation of a workplace harassment policy or program. If your union meets with your employer and believes the employer’s version of what happened and drops the grievance without giving you a chance to respond to your employer’s report, that would be an arbitrary decision.

“Discriminatory” behaviour involves your being discriminated against for things like your race, sex, gender, or sexual orientation. For example, it would be discriminatory if your union refused to launch a grievance because you are trans. Or if your union treated two similar sexual harassment complaints differently based on the race of the people involved, that would be discriminatory too.

“Bad faith” actions are driven by malice, ill will, dishonesty, and other kinds of improper motivations. If you and your shop steward have a bad relationship and so they don’t respond to your complaint, that’s bad faith.

The complication here is that often the harasser is a co-worker, so the union owes the same duty to that person. Throughout the process, the union must take steps to make sure it isn’t in a conflict of interest while it’s representing both you and the harasser. This means:

  • The union staff who are helping you shouldn’t have a personal connection to the person who harassed you.
  • The same union staff shouldn’t be helping both you and the harasser.
  • The information you give to the union shouldn’t be given to the staff who are helping the harasser, or vice versa.
  • The union can’t refuse to listen to your problems with your employer’s workplace investigation or refuse to deal with reprisals against you.

But this dual duty of fair representation can be bad news for you because it’s well documented that in grievance processes the interests of harassers often win out over those of people who are being harassed.

Unions have a mixed record when it comes to fighting sexual harassment, especially in cases that involve harassment by union members. Union responses to sexual harassment have been shaped by their position in labor markets that remain highly segmented by gender and race, with male-dominated unions playing a passive role vis-à-vis female targets of sexual harassment, and too often siding with male harassers.

Ana Avendaño, vice-president for labor engagement, United Way Worldwide.
“Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Where Were the Unions?”

If you believe that you have a breach of duty of fair representation case against your union, a provincial labour relations body may be able to help you, or you may need to hire a lawyer. You may be able to make a claim against your union to a human rights tribunal.

The grievance process

Filing a grievance is normally the first step in the formal grievance process. Your collective agreement may have more information about what to expect. We suggest you look up what the agreement says about how your union’s process works.

Your harasser can’t directly be held responsible for the harassment through the grievance process. This means your union can’t make your employer discipline or fire your harasser. Your union can, however, make the employer responsible for doing a proper investigation into your sexual harassment complaint. Your harasser could be disciplined or fired based on the findings of that investigation.

Your union can’t force you to participate in the grievance process. But it can refuse to deal with your grievance if you don’t participate.

Who’s who

Parties

Each side is called a party. Your union and employer are the parties in the arbitration process.

Grievor

You are the grievor, or the employee the union is representing.

Mediator

The mediator’s job is to try to help your union and your employer reach a settlement, though your union will consult with you and consider the outcome you want from the process.

Arbitrator

The arbitrator is the final decision-maker. They are a neutral third party hired to listen to legal arguments and evidence from the union and the employer at the arbitration stage. During the hearing, the arbitrator may ask the union representative questions and take notes. They’ll be considering all of the evidence, legislation, case law, and arguments that both sides present.

Possible outcomes

The arbitrator may be able to order awards such as:

  • an alteration in your work location or shift time
  • a flexible work schedule or a change to your workload. This might be so that you can attend medical and/or legal appointments, take time off, or take a temporary leave of absence. You might also get enhanced security at work, like a security guard walking you to your car
  • an apology from your employer
  • certain actions by your employer, like requiring training on understanding and preventing sexual harassment, and learning about equity and anti-oppression in the workplace
  • an appropriate investigation into your workplace sexual harassment complaint that could involve interviewing you, the harasser, and any witnesses
  • a revised workplace policy that will prevent the same or similar discriminatory practices from happening again in the future.

The grievance process step-by-step

The process for filing a grievance looks different from union to union. Usually, it starts with you filling out your union’s grievance forms and submitting them to the union representative in charge of receiving grievances. You’ll want to read your collective agreement and speak to your union representative to figure out exactly what steps you need to take and any important deadlines.

What happens after a grievance is filed

Once a grievance is filed, your employer will review it and try to get more information about the facts of the complaint. This may be either an informal or formal process. If the issue is that the employer failed to investigate a sexual harassment complaint, the filing of a grievance may prompt them to carry out an investigation. If the complaint is that the investigation they did do was unreasonable, insufficient, or came to the incorrect conclusion, they may speak to the people who led the investigation. This is because, if they don’t carry out a thorough investigation, any decisions they make as a result may be found to be unfair if challenged by the union in arbitration. As a part of their investigation, they may meet with you and ask questions. Alternatively, they may put questions directly to the union.

Typically, employers are required to provide a “reply” to the grievance, indicating whether they accept or deny it. Denying means they take the position that it did not violate the collective agreement. Acceptance means that they recognize that they have not met their obligations to you and will provide the remedy requested by the union. After the employer’s response is received, it could take weeks or even months before your grievance is dealt with, depending on the size of your workplace and union.

Ideally, the grievance is resolved at this stage. If a resolution doesn’t occur, the grievance might be referred to arbitration, mediation, or some other type of dispute resolution allowed by your collective agreement.

How long does the grievance process take?

The length of time of the grievance process can vary. In general, it might take weeks. While it’s very unlikely you would end up in arbitration, that process could take months or longer. Your collective agreement may provide expected timelines. It’s up to your union to decide how it wants to proceed, including if it wants to mediate at all. Your union will consult with you and consider your views, but it will decide what witnesses will be heard, what evidence will be given and what legal positions will be argued if the process reaches that stage.

Filing a grievance shouldn’t cost you anything. If a grievance is complex, your union may pay a lawyer to handle it.

Mediation

Your collective agreement may say if your grievance can be referred to mediation. Grievance mediation is a confidential and informal way for the union and the employer to try to resolve your issue. The mediator will listen to the union and employer and try to find an agreement that works for both. This is called a settlement.

Unless otherwise noted in your collective agreement, mediation is voluntary—there’s no obligation for either your union or employer to participate or accept any proposed settlement that comes out of the mediation. However, it’s extremely uncommon for sexual harassment cases to go to arbitration.

Your union and employer are the parties to the mediation. You aren’t a party to the mediation and there are no witnesses.

The mediator isn’t making a final decision. Instead, they’re trying to find an agreement that works for both your union and your employer.

Settlement

You might be unhappy with the final settlement. Unfortunately, most settlement agreements contain a clause that says that this will be the only decision and that you will not make any legal claims on the same facts in any other legal forum, like at a human rights tribunal. If you don’t believe your union followed the law in dealing with your case, depending on your situation, you might be able to make a duty of fair representation application or human rights complaint against the union.

Mediation settlements are usually confidential and there’s no public hearing or declaration of wrongdoing. Any settlement will be between your union and employer. Your union might sign a non-disclosure agreement. NDAs or confidentiality agreements are standard in settlement agreements. If there’s a confidentiality clause in the settlement or if your union signs a NDA, it won’t apply to you unless you also agree to sign.

Your employer and union might tell you that you have to sign off on the terms of settlement. Technically, you don’t have to, but you won’t get whatever benefits are included in the settlement unless you do. Also, if you don’t sign, your employer might refuse to settle your grievance. Same thing for your union.

Your union monitors the settlement. It wants to make sure that the employer is sticking to the agreement and that the workplace is now safer for you and for other union members. If any of the settlement terms are not being met, you can report that to your union representative. 

Grievance arbitration

While in theory your case could escalate to grievance arbitration, it’s very unlikely that this would happen. The vast majority of cases that reach arbitration involve harassers who have been suspended, fired, or otherwise disciplined by employers. So the employer is the party defending the affected person’s rights while the union is supporting the harasser, to whom it owes a duty of fair representation, in a highly adversarial environment. More than half the time, the harasser wins.

In the limited number of grievance arbitration cases where a sexually harassed person is the grievor, their union is also representing the harasser. The people who have been harassed generally find the situation extremely stressful, as they are aggressively questioned and their integrity doubted.

 Federal Not sure