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We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.

Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.

Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.

Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.

Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.

It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.

Understanding your anger 

Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:

  • How could they do this to me?
  • People are always going to hurt me!
  • I hate them!
  • Why did I ever trust them?
  • The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
  • What is wrong with them?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • No one ever helps me!
  • They are all idiots!
  • It’s not fair!
  • I want to punch somebody!
  • People are out to get me.

These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.

There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.

Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.

The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.

Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.

There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:

  • feeling hurt
  • not having your expectations met
  • not having your needs met

If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.

From the Mayo Clinic: Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.

Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.

What can help

  • Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
  • If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
  • Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
  • Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
  • Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important

Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.

  • Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
  • Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.

After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

  • Trust in the person who harassed you.
  • Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
  • What you thought you knew about others.
  • What you thought you knew about yourself.
  • Faith or confidence in the justice system.
  • Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
  • The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
  • Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
  • Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
  • Comfort in your own body.
  • Your job or job stability.
  • Financial stability.
  • Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

Sexual harassment is usually a surprise. Even when it’s not, it’s really common for people to react by feeling shocked and taken aback.

The first thing you need to know is that it’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

  • I can’t believe this happened.
  • I’m probably misremembering what happened.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I don’t know why I’m upset.
  • What just happened?
  • Am I sure that just happened?
  • I can’t believe this happened again.
  • I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

  • Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

  • It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
  • Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
  • Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
  • Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
  • It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
  • Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

  1. Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
  2. Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a safe workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society in Canada that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

  • We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
  • We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
  • An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace. When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
  • When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we are supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
  • When someone is harassed, the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
  • When someone is victimized, we don’t judge or blame them.
  • When people seek help from public service institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
  • When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
  • Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

  • I can’t believe this is happening.
  • This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
  • I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
  • I feel so let down.
  • I feel like I’ve been so naive.
  • How could I have been so stupid?
  • I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
  • How can people be so awful?
  • I knew I couldn’t trust them.
  • I knew nobody would help me.
  • This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
  • What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
  • This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

  • the person who harassed you
  • your boss
  • other senior people at your work
  • HR
  • your co-workers
  • your family or friends
  • your professional community
  • the police
  • health care professionals
  • the legal system
  • your community
  • your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

  • If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
  • If we’re queer, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
  • Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
  • Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

  • Can I be honest and real with this person?
  • After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
  • Does this person seem to really understand me?
  • Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
  • Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

  • I want to be able to be honest and real.
  • I want to feel uplifted.
  • I want to feel close.
  • I want to be understood.
  • I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I want to feel capable of positive change.
  • I want to grow in important ways.
  • I want to feel a sense of belonging.
  • I want to be supported.
  • If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
  • I want to be free to be myself.
  • I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
  • I want to be seen and appreciated.
  • I want to be curious about what comes next.
  • I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There’s no single legal definition for sexual harassment. But it is generally defined as something like this: unwanted behaviour related to a person’s sex or gender that may harm, offend, or humiliate the person who is being harassed.

Under Canadian laws, sexual harassment is prohibited. People have the right not to be sexually harassed at work, and employers have an obligation to provide a workplace that’s free of harassment. Everybody has a responsibility to not sexually harass other people.

Who gets sexually harassed the most?

Most people who get sexually harassed are women. Otherwise, the people who get sexually harassed don’t have much in common.

  • Sexual harassment happens to people of all ages.
  • It happens to people no matter what they look like.
  • It happens to people no matter how they dress.
  • It happens to people no matter how they behave.

Do some kinds of people get harassed more than others?

Yes. Harassers tend to choose:

  • people who are new to a workplace
  • people who are new to an industry
  • racialized people
  • people with disabilities
  • people who are 2SLGBTQIA+
  • immigrants and refugees
  • people who have less workplace power than the harasser does

Sexual harassment happens in all kinds of workplaces and industries. But there are some environments where it’s more common than others:

  • workplaces where there are lots of men and very few women
  • service-sector jobs, especially bars and restaurants
  • jobs where you work alone with a man
  • jobs where you work in somebody’s home

Sexual harassment thrives in organizations that have a preponderance of men, turn a blind eye to bad behavior, neglect respect and fairness, and/or promote dysfunctional masculinity contests.

Lilia M. Cortina, professor of psychology, Women’s and Gender Studies, University of Michigan.
Maira A. Areguin, graduate student, Joint Program in Women’s and Gender Studies and Personality & Social Contexts, University of Michigan.
“Putting People Down and Pushing Them Out: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.“

Some common examples of sexual harassment

  • Someone is hugging or touching you without your consent.
  • Someone is asking you out repeatedly or is sexually propositioning you.
  • Someone is invading your personal space or staring at you in a sexual way.
  • Someone is talking about you, or to you, in a sexual way.
  • Someone is displaying or showing or sending you sexual imagery.
  • Someone is sharing sexual images of you with other people.
  • Someone is making sexual jokes to you or in front of you.
  • Someone is trying to make you behave in a more feminine or masculine way.
  • Someone is making fun of the way you look or act because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.
  • Someone is using gender-based slurs about you or in front of you.
  • Someone is spreading rumours about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is asking you questions about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is withholding job-related information from you, or is making it difficult in some other way for you to do your job because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is making you feel not accepted, or unsafe, because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.

Before we start, we want to warn you: Reading this article may make you mad, because some of what we’re going to tell you is pretty depressing.

Now, let’s begin.

What happens if you decide to report the harassment

This is the high-risk choice. Reporting can really hurt your career. We hate saying that, but it’s true, and you need to know it.

If you have a great employer, reporting will probably go fine. Your employer will act quickly and with sensitivity to protect you and the workplace.

But that’s not what usually happens. For many people, reporting is a really bad experience.

I just felt really belittled, just the whole interview was not very pleasant. I ended up being really emotional and I actually thought of quitting right away.

Former museum tour guide, describing how she felt after being interviewed by HR at her former employer, following her complaint of sexual harassment

I was warned that I was being a problem, that I was the only person to ever complain about this instructor, that if I continued I would likely find that other schools would hear about me being a problem and that I would probably be failed out of my program. I am still stunned by how quickly I have gone from being a valued student in my program to being an outcast.

Unnamed law student who complained about sexual harassment by her instructor, as quoted in Going Public: A Survivor’s Journey from Grief to Action, by Julie Macfarlane

You get witch-hunted, you get scapegoated, you become the troublesome uppity woman; you become the woman who does not fit.

Anonymous department head, who sued her employer for constructive dismissal and won, quoted in Complaint!, by Sarah Ahmed

Here’s what it looks like when things go badly.

The person you report to may be awkward and uncomfortable

The person you report to may feel like you’re burdening them with extra work or wasting their time on something that’s not really important.

They may feel scared because they know there are laws they’re supposed to follow, and they could get in trouble if they mess up. They may not know exactly what they’re allowed to say or do, and they may need to spend a lot of time documenting your conversations and checking in with HR or lawyers about how to handle things.

That can make them awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing. 

People at your workplace may gossip about you and judge you

Your report is supposed to be kept as confidential as possible. But to investigate, your employer will probably need to talk with the harasser and anyone who might have seen the harassment. They may also need to talk about it with bosses and HR.

It’s not uncommon for basically everybody at your work to find out that you made a report. When that happens, instead of empathizing and feeling bad for you, the people will often empathize instead with the harasser. They often see the harasser as being attacked out of nowhere and unjustly accused. They decide that you misunderstood or are exaggerating what happened, and they worry that the harasser will be unfairly punished.

Meanwhile, they may judge you harshly. They may blame you for handling things badly, for causing trouble and disruption, and for forcing them to “pick a side” between you and the harasser.

The whole thing is made worse by the fact that people aren’t allowed to talk openly about it, because it’s supposed to be confidential. That leaves a lot of space for gossip and rumours.

The harasser may try to ruin your reputation

Once the harasser knows you reported them, it’s very likely they will try to defend themselves by trash-talking you, and getting their friends to do it too.

They’ll try to paint you as an untrustworthy liar. They may say you made up the harassment for personal reasons, or to distract from the fact that you’re bad at your job. It’s really common for them to claim you have a drinking problem, or that you’re mentally ill.

People may decide you’re a troublemaker, and start to treat you badly

Your boss’s interactions with you, which might previously have been warm and friendly, might start to get stiff and uncomfortable. Your boss might punish you for reporting. You might get fewer shifts, or less attractive assignments. (These punishments are called reprisals and they’re so common we wrote an entire article about them.) 

Your co-workers might stop helping you. They might be less willing to trade shifts with you, or teach you something you don’t know how to do. They may start to ice you out socially.

People may stop sharing opportunities with you, like jobs you might be eligible for, or opportunities for overtime or special projects.

The whole thing may snowball, and start to really hurt your career

People may stop talking about you positively. They may describe you as difficult, negative, toxic, and hard to work with. If someone asks about you, they might raise an eyebrow or make a face.

Your career may start to stall or falter. You don’t get promoted; maybe you actually get demoted. People assume it’s because you’re bad at your job.

The gossip and judgment may start to spill out past your own organization. People in your work network become less friendly. You get fewer invitations, and people start to treat you with less respect. If you start to job hunt, it may go less well than you’d expect.

All this makes you enjoy work less and start to feel bad about your career. You get mad at people who aren’t supporting you. You start taking more sick days, or turning up late, or withdrawing from work social activities you used to enjoy. You start performing less well. You might end up getting fired, or leaving on bad terms.

Who gets hurt the most by reporting

Reporting is risky for anyone. But for some people, the risk is extra high.

We’re going to take some time to unpack this, because we think it’s really important.

Reporting is extra likely to hurt your career if you:

  • work at a small company
  • work in a majority-male workplace
  • are being harassed by a customer
  • are new to your industry or employer
  • don’t have a lot of friends at work
  • do work where success is hard to measure
  • are racialized, especially Black or Indigenous
  • are queer
  • are in your 20s or early 30s

The more of those boxes you tick, the more likely it is that reporting sexual harassment will mess up your career.

Here’s why.

A small company may handle your report badly

Small workplaces can be extra bad at handling reports, because managers there are less likely to understand the law and to have solid legal and HR support. And if your workplace is small, it’s also more likely that the person responsible for stopping the harassment may know and be friends with the harasser.

A majority-male workplace may handle your report badly

Majority-male workplaces—like mining and gas, construction, policing, the military, science, engineering, or technology—have higher levels of sexual harassment. If harassment is generally tolerated at your workplace, it’s less likely your report will be handled well.

If you’re being harassed by a customer, your report may be handled badly

Your employer may be reluctant to protect you against a customer if doing that might cost the company money. (The hospitality industry is especially notorious for this.) And when it’s a customer harassing you, your employer may not even be clear about what they’re legally allowed, or required, to do.

If you’re new to your industry or employer, reporting may go badly for you

That’s because when you’re new, you have less power. People haven’t known you long enough to have learned to trust you. Plus, because you’re new, you might not understand things well yet—like, who at your work you can trust.

If you don’t have a lot of friends at work, reporting may go badly for you

This is bad news for introverts and people who like to keep their work and social lives separate. If people are gossiping about you at work, friends can defend you. They can also give you a heads-up so you can protect yourself. If you don’t have friends, you’re more vulnerable.

If you do work where success is hard to measure, reporting may go badly for you

In some jobs success can be easily measured by dollars or speed or accuracy. But in most, measuring success is hard. If that’s true for you, it makes it easier for your boss to punish you by saying your work is bad, even if it’s not.

If you’re racialized and work in a majority-white environment, reporting may go badly for you

The research says that when racialized people in majority-white workplaces report harassment, other people often respond by seeing you as ungrateful and disloyal. This is especially true if you’re Black or Indigenous, because Black and Indigenous people are already stereotyped as angry and resentful. Reporting can activate those stereotypes. That makes it less likely your report will be handled well, and it makes you more vulnerable to reputational damage.

If you’re queer in a non-queer workplace, reporting may go badly for you

Like with racialized people, when queer people report harassment, other people see them as ungrateful and disloyal. It’s also common for queer people—especially trans women, nonbinary/gender-fluid people, bisexual people, and gay men—to be stereotyped as dramatic, dishonest, and untrustworthy. Butch women are often stereotyped as aggressive and threatening. Reporting harassment can activate those stereotypes. That makes it less likely your report will be handled well, which makes you more vulnerable to reputational damage.

If you’re in your twenties or early thirties, reporting may go badly for you

The younger you are, the less likely it is that your report will be taken seriously. This is a credibility issue. If you’re older, and have decades of work experience, it’s harder for people to say you’re confused or misunderstanding what’s happening. It’s also a power issue. If you’re young, you’re unlikely to have much workplace power yet, and so it’s easier for people to ignore your report.

What happens if you stay at work without reporting

This is definitely the safer choice for your career. People know that, and it’s why so few people report.

But it’s not entirely without risk.

If you decide to stay at work and try to cope with the harassment without reporting it, here’s how that can hurt your career.

  • You may feel like you need to change things at work—your shifts, your projects, your work habits—to avoid the harasser. Those decisions might be bad for your career. (Like, for example, if you decide you can’t work late alone anymore, or you can’t take on a particular project.)
  • You may find yourself distracted at work, because you’re worrying about the harassment or trying to avoid the harasser.
  • You may find yourself withdrawing socially at work, to avoid spending time with the harasser.
  • If it’s your boss who’s harassing you, they may punish you for resisting the harassment. They might give you fewer shifts or less attractive assignments. They might start saying you’re doing a bad job, even if you’re not.
  • You might get edgy, nervous, or irritable at work, and that could hurt your reputation.

But here’s the main way your career can get hurt.

If the harassment goes on long enough, or is severe enough, your mental, emotional, and physical health can start to suffer in ways that hurt your ability to do your job.

That’s actually pretty common. Some people wake up one morning completely unable to go to work and are unable to work for weeks or months or even years. It creeps up on them. They think they’re coping fine, and then one day they realize they aren’t. You don’t want that to happen to you.

What happens if you quit your job

If you’re being harassed at work, quitting your job can be great for your career. We hate saying this because you shouldn’t have to quit—but it’s true.

Quitting gets you away from the harassment, and you avoid any damage to your reputation. Nobody trash-talks you, nobody judges you, nobody punishes you. You can get a good reference, and people will talk about you positively after you leave. That’s great for your career and it’s an excellent reason to quit.

But we need to warn you: When people quit their job to get away from harassment, it usually doesn’t go that well for them. It’s very common, in fact, for people to end up taking a new job that’s worse than their old one. People often spend a period of time unemployed, or underemployed. Some never get their career back on track.

It’s a big topic, so we wrote a whole article about it.

The takeaway

The research says that, when people get sexually harassed at work, their career is very likely to suffer. Lots of people end up with their careers permanently damaged.

The good news is there are things you can do to protect yourself. Read our article How to protect your career.

When you’re being sexually harassed at work, there are a million things you could do. But they all boil down to one big decision.

You’re going to do one of these three things:

  1. stay at work without making a formal complaint
  2. formally report what’s happening to someone in a position of authority
  3. quit your job and get a new one

Before we dive into the pros and cons of each choice, we want to tell you something.

You should feel it’s safe to trust your instincts. You are probably going to make the right decision for you.

How do we know that?

We’ve surveyed hundreds of people who’ve been sexually harassed. We’ve talked with dozens more. We’ve read hundreds, maybe thousands, of people’s stories on social media and in books and articles and academic studies.

We’ve learned that people handle sexual harassment in all kinds of different ways. We’ve also learned that most people end up feeling good about what they decided to do.

People may have regrets. But they don’t often regret how they handled the harassment. What they tend to regret is the amount of time they had to spend researching and worrying and agonizing before they could make a decision.

Our goal with this article is to give you information so you can evaluate your options. We want to help you shortcut through the worrying and agonizing phase, so you can move forward more quickly and with confidence.

So here we go. Here are your options.

Option 1: Stay at work and try to cope

This is what most people do, at least in the beginning, at least for a while.

Some don’t tell anyone what’s happening, but quietly take steps to try to keep themselves safe. Some use a whisper network to warn other people. Some talk directly with the harasser to try to make them stop. Some complain informally to their boss. Some try to ignore the harassment and instead stay focused on their own career and their own goals.

Why try to stay at work and cope?

If the harassment is relatively mild and doesn’t repeat, this can be a really good strategy. You get to keep your job, and nothing really changes for you work-wise.

Why not do it?

There’s always a risk the harassment will escalate and you could end up seriously hurt.

Even if that doesn’t happen, if the harassment is severe or lasts a long time, it can really hurt you. And we need to warn you: The damage isn’t always obvious at the time.

Harassment—especially when it’s severe or goes on for a really long time—can cause you all kinds of problems. It can make you enjoy your job less. It can distract you from your work in ways that make you less good at your job. It can make you anxious. It can lead you to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can end up feeling betrayed, suspicious, and cynical about people. And if your job requires you to fake being okay with the harassment (like, if you need to laugh along with people’s “jokes,” or put up with slurs, or being touched, or repeatedly propositioned, or asked invasive questions)—well, that can really wear you down.

It’s also not fair. You deserve a job that’s free of harassment. You shouldn’t have to just suck it up and try to cope with it by yourself.

Staying at work is what people do if the harassment seems too mild to bother quitting or reporting, or if the job is just short term and they’re leaving soon anyway.

People also do it if they feel like they have no choice. If they don’t believe reporting will do any good, and they don’t want to find another job, or can’t—well, in those circumstances people will often try to stay and make their current job work.

For some people this works out fine.

But it’s risky. Some people do this, and then realize years or even decades later that the cumulative effects of the harassment were actually really grinding away at their mental health and their happiness—much more so than they realized at the time. Many do eventually choose to quit or report, and some wish they had done it sooner.

Option 2: Report the harassment

We’re using the word “report” here to mean making a formal complaint. Workplace sexual harassment is illegal, and so if you complain about it to a person in a position of authority, they are supposed to make it stop.

Depending on your situation, there are lots of different ways to make a complaint. You can go to the police. You can make a formal report to your employer. You can complain to your union. You can complain to a human rights body. You can take your employer to court. You can go public.

Why report?

In theory, this is the most obvious thing to do. You should be able to report the harassment, and then somebody should step in and make it stop.

Why not report?

Because often it just doesn’t work out the way it’s supposed to, and in fact it can actually create new, worse problems for you.

If you have a good employer, reporting can work out fine. You tell someone, they make the harassment stop, and that’s the end of it.

But that’s not what usually happens.

Often, what actually happens is that you make the report and end up getting labelled as a troublemaker or a problem because of it. People at your workplace react as though the real problem isn’t the harassment, but you, the person reporting it. (Yeah, we know. This sucks.) You end up getting punished. Your employer starts treating you badly, or fires you.

Some people, if they aren’t satisfied with how their employer handled their report, will carry it further—for example, by filing a complaint with a human rights body, or by taking their employer to court. These are expensive, slow processes, and researchers say they can be really hard on your mental health.

Who reports?

Two kinds of people. People who believe their employer will handle the report well. And people who believe the harassment is so serious that they must report it, even though they don’t think it will get handled well.

That’s not very many people.

Researchers have conducted hundreds of studies and surveys in Canada and other countries, going back to the 1970s, and they’ve all found the same thing: Most workplace sexual harassment is never formally reported. That’s always been true, and it’s still true today, even in the post-#MeToo era.

The people who report tend to be older. Even though harassment is most common in your twenties and early thirties, U.S. data finds that the average age of a person who reports is 47. Some researchers think that’s because older people are more likely to know how to report, or to be in a position where they think they can report and not get punished for it. Others think it’s because older people are just more fed up and angry, because they’ve been experiencing harassment for such a long time.

Researchers say that people who report harassment—and especially those who do it publicly—tend to do it for moral reasons. They’re furious. They don’t necessarily think reporting will do any good. They just feel like morally they have no choice.

Option 3: Quit your job

Lots of people end up quitting their job to get away from harassment. One study found that, two years after being harassed, four out of five people were working somewhere else.

Some people actually quit their entire industry. If you work in a harassment-heavy industry —like hospitality, or a majority-male environment like policing, construction, or software development—well, you might want to just get out of it. You might feel like you’d be better off in an industry where you don’t have to deal with being harassed all the time.

Why quit your job?

Because it works. Quitting your job is the fastest and most effective way to end the harassment. It gets you away from the harasser, and away from an unhealthy work environment. You may end up in a new job—or even a whole new career—where you don’t get harassed any more.

Why not quit your job?

Because you shouldn’t have to. You should be able to pick your work based on other reasons, like what jobs are available, what you’re good at, and what you enjoy doing. You shouldn’t have to pick your job based on how likely you are to be harassed while doing it.

Another bad thing about quitting: It can be surprisingly bad for you financially. The study that said it was common for people to have a new job after being harassed? It found that, in their new jobs, all those people were making less money.

Who quits their job?

People who aren’t very attached to their current job and can easily get another one. People who’ve been harassed for a long time, or are experiencing really severe harassment, and can’t find a way to make it stop. People who don’t want to report what’s happening, because they don’t trust their employer to handle it well.

So that’s it. Those are your options.

We want to say again: We believe you are going to handle this fine. You know yourself and your situation. You can trust yourself to handle this in the way that’s best for you.

We want to say one more thing: Sometimes when we talked with people, they told us they felt guilty about how they handled being harassed. They felt like they had made the right choice for them, but they felt bad that they didn’t do something that was “brave” or that would help other people. Some people said they felt pressure to “stand up for themselves” and “fight back,” and they felt bad they didn’t do that.

If you’re feeling that way, we urge you, please, to let it go.

All the choices are brave. Every decision is honourable.

If you need the permission of strangers on the internet telling you it’s okay to do what’s right for you, we are here to enthusiastically give you that permission.

We urge you to centre your own needs and interests and hopes and dreams and goals.

We urge you to make the decision that’s best for you.

Important

If you’re considering quitting your job, we urge you to talk with a lawyer first. A lawyer can help you figure out whether there’s a way to get your employer to pay you money to make up for the harassment.

Why quit your job

That’s easy. Quitting your job is the fastest and simplest way to stop the harassment and get out of an unhealthy workplace. It immediately reduces the risk that something really bad will happen to you. It’s the fastest way to shut down the whole problem and get on with your life.

Why not quit your job

Because you shouldn’t have to. Why should you have to leave your job, just because someone decided to harass you?

Who quits their job to get away from harassment

Mostly it’s two types of people. People who do work where it’s normal to change jobs a lot, and people who are facing really severe or long-term harassment.

Jobs where it’s normal to move around a lot

In some types of work, changing jobs a lot is normal. This is true in the hospitality sector (like bartending, serving, hosting), in retail jobs, in some kinds of sales and customer support work, and some kinds of personal or homecare support (like PSW or cleaning work).

Usually, these jobs don’t require too much specialized training, there’s lots of work available, the jobs are all pretty similar, and people often get new jobs through friend networks. That makes it easy to move around.

For people in jobs like that, quitting can be a pretty easy decision. Those people usually quit quickly and don’t say why they’re leaving.

Jobs where you’ve faced really severe or long-term harassment

When they get harassed, most people don’t quit right away. But if the harassment is very severe or goes on for a long time, most people will eventually quit. This is especially true for jobs and workplaces where there’s a lot of harassment, like industries with lots of male customers and clients (like hospitality) or where the workforce is mostly men (like construction or law enforcement or software development). It’s also true for racialized people in majority-white workplaces, and queer people in workplaces where they’re in the minority.

For people in those jobs, quitting can be a really hard decision. By the time they quit, they are much more likely to tell their employer why they’re leaving (or their employer already knows), and they are much likelier to leave on bad terms.

How to know when to quit

We couldn’t find any studies or surveys that asked people who’d quit due to harassment how they felt about it afterwards. But based on the people we’ve interviewed and stories we’ve read, it seems like most people don’t regret quitting.

Some people, though, do wish they’d quit sooner.

So we think that, if you’re seriously considering quitting your job because of harassment, you should probably go ahead and do it. The question really isn’t whether to quit, it’s how to quit in a way that’s best for your career.

How to quit in a way that protects your career

If you want to quit and it’s easy for you, then you should just do it. Find yourself a new job and get out of the old one. Don’t tell people why you’re quitting, just make up an excuse. That way, you can leave on good terms and nobody will gossip about you.

If your situation is more complicated though, then quitting will be more complicated too.

In that case, here’s our advice.

Try not to quit until you have another job lined up

If you’re afraid for your safety, you might need to just flat-out quit. But if it’s safe to stay, you should try to stick it out until you have a new job. Here’s an article that explains why.

Start job hunting early, before you think you need to

A lot of people don’t start job hunting until they’re already pretty stressed out. So we urge you to start job hunting early, even if you’re not sure yet that you’re going to quit. You don’t want to job hunt in a rush or while you’re super-stressed, because that’ll make it hard for you to find a good job. So the minute you start to even start to think about quitting, that’s when we think you should start looking for a new job.

Be careful what you say about why you’re leaving your current job

It can be tough to know what to say in interviews about why you’re looking for a new job.

Before you accept a new job, evaluate it as though you weren’t being harassed

A lot of times when people job hunt due to sexual harassment, they end up accepting a new job that’s worse than their old one. It pays less, the benefits are worse, or there are just things about it that suit them less well. Before you accept a new job, take some time to consider whether you’d be accepting it if you weren’t being harassed.

Talk with a lawyer before you quit

This is really important. If you’re considering quitting your job due to harassment, your employer might be legally obligated to pay you money if they didn’t do enough to make the harassment stop, or if they punished you for complaining about it. A lawyer can help you figure this out.

Consider whether you want to leave not just your job, but your entire industry

If you work in a high-harassment industry, you might be just as likely to get harassed in your next job as you were in your current one. Once people realize how harassment-heavy their industry is, it’s actually really common for them to decide to completely bail out of it. It’s so common we wrote an entire article about it.

A final note about guilt and shame

When we talked with people and read their stories, we found that lots of people who quit their job to get away from sexual harassment felt guilty about it afterwards. They worried that by quitting they were being cowards, and letting down other people.

We understand why people feel that way. But we want to give you a different way to think about it.

The reality is that “standing up” and “fighting back” might not be what’s best for you. There’ve been literally decades of studies and surveys about exactly this. Sometimes reporting works out fine for the person who does it. But more often, the person who reports is the one who ends up getting punished. Researchers have been saying for decades that not reporting is a rational and sensible decision.

So here’s what we want you to know.

There is no “cowardly” way to respond to sexual harassment.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed.

Nobody thinks you should become a martyr over this. Nobody wants your career, your reputation, and your finances to be ruined.

You have every right to do what’s best for you, and you should feel good about what you do, no matter what it is. 

Any choice you make is brave and honourable.

You’ll want to start by finding out whether you have any agreement with your employer that gives you more than the legal minimum time off.

  • If you’re not unionized, you may have signed an employment contract when you were hired.
  • If you are unionized, the contract is your collective agreement and you should be able to get a copy from your union or find it on their website.

If there’s an agreement, see what it says about time off. You’re looking for phrases like “sick leave” and “stress leave.”

If you can’t find anything saying you’re entitled to more than the legal minimum, the next step is to figure out what the legal minimum is for you.

  • Under B.C. employment law, most workers are entitled to five paid sick days a year.
  • Under Quebec employment law, most workers are entitled to two paid sick days a year.
  • Under P.E.I. employment law, most workers are entitled to one paid sick day per year.
  • Under the Canada Labour Code, federally regulated workers are entitled to three paid sick days per year.
  • Most workers across the country are entitled by law to between three and 12 unpaid sick days per year, depending on where they’re located and how long they have worked for their employer.
  • None of this applies to people who aren’t legally classified as employees, such as self-employed people, migrant workers, and gig economy workers. They aren’t entitled to anything.

You should also check whether your job provides you with any form of disability insurance. According to a 2018 government study, about 42% of Canadian employees have disability insurance. But employers are not legally obligated to provide it, so yours may not.

You should be able to get your benefits information from HR, the union, or your boss. You don’t need to say why you’re asking for it; it’s normal for workers to want to know it.

Decide what to do

Now you know what you’re entitled to, you can decide whether it covers what you need.

If it doesn’t, your employer may be willing to work with you to give you unpaid leave.

If not, there are other ways you can apply for paid or unpaid leave. But we need to warn you: They’re all going to take a lot of work. They’re all very slow. And you may get turned down. That’s the upshot.

Now we’ll dive into the details.

  • You can usually take sick leave any time, as long as you tell your boss beforehand. You can’t be fired, penalized, or threatened for taking or planning to take sick leave.
  • Your employer may require a doctor’s note.
  • Sick or stress leave maximums are pretty short—the average max is about six days total per year.
  • If you have access to short-term disability, it generally runs for up to six months and pays a portion of your salary. How much depends on what type of policy your employer has. To qualify, you’ll need a doctor’s statement that you are unable to return to work. Accessing short-term disability is slow and difficult, and your claim may be turned down.
  • Long-term disability insurance picks up after six months and generally pays 60% to 70% of your former salary. This benefit can extend to retirement age, but only if you are unable to work at any job. Accessing long-term disability insurance will require extensive medical documentation and, again, you may be turned down.
  • If you don’t have access to short-term or long-term disability, you might consider applying for the Employment Insurance sickness benefit, which provides up to 15 weeks of income. To be eligible, you must have paid EI premiums and worked 600 hours in the past 52 weeks. In 2022, EI sickness benefits paid 55% of earnings up to a maximum of $638 a week. You will need medical proof you can’t work, and your claim may be denied.

The headline here is simple. It’s a good idea to keep notes about what’s happening.

Why? There are lots of situations in which having notes might be helpful for you later:

  • if you decide to formally report the harassment to your employer
  • if you decide to take legal action, or to call the police
  • if you end up in therapy
  • if you end up going public
  • if you just want your own private record

You may never use your notes for anything, but it’s a good idea to have them just in case.

Important

If you end up in a legal dispute, the lawyers on the other side may be able to force you to share your notes with them. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s possible. If there’s any chance you might end up in court, it’s best to make the notes knowing that other people may eventually see them. If there’s something you definitely don’t want other people to see, it’s safest not to write it down.

Here’s how to make great documentation.

Write your documentation in whatever way is easiest for you

Some people use their phone or a computer and other people write by hand. It’s probably best to use a device that you own, and to keep your notes somewhere where other people can’t find them.

If you write your notes on a work computer, it’s a good idea to email them to your personal email address. That way you’ll always have a copy, and you’ll be able to prove when the notes were written.

Write down the facts of what happened

For each incident of harassment, write down all the facts you can remember. This is called a log. You’ll want to include:

  • the date and time
  • the location
  • who was present (including any witnesses)
  • what happened, with as much detail as possible
  • if you told anyone afterward, and what you both said
  • if the harasser told anyone afterward, and what they said (if you know)

If you can remember any exact quotes, it’s great to write them down too.

If there’s anything you can’t remember, that’s okay. Partial information is better than no information. Just do the best you can.

Write down how what happened affected you

It’s not always easy to recognize how sexual harassment made you feel. But try to write down the emotions you felt at the time, or afterward.

  • Were you surprised or shocked?
  • Did you feel offended, angry, or humiliated?
  • Did you feel unsafe?
  • Were you scared you would be punished if you didn’t do what the harasser wanted?

There is no right or wrong emotional reaction. If your feelings don’t match what you’ve seen in the media or what other people seem to expect you to feel, that’s okay. What happened to you is wrong regardless of your emotional reaction.

Write down how what happened affected your ability to do your job

  • Did you need to spend time trying to make the harassment stop, instead of doing your job?
  • Did you need to stop working and leave the area to get away from the harasser?
  • Did you need to take time afterward to calm down?
  • Did the harasser make it harder for you to do your job, by not co-operating with you or helping you in the way they’re supposed to?
  • Did you need to spend time afterward trying to figure out how to handle the harassment and what to do next?
  • Did other people stop co-operating with you or helping you because of the harassment?
  • Were you humiliated in front of other people, making it harder for you to do your job?
  • Did your job performance suffer because you were rattled by the harassment?
  • Did you need to avoid the harasser afterward, making it harder for you to do your work?
  • Did your job become so unpleasant that you found yourself unable to work as hard or as well as you normally would have?

Write down any other harms you experienced because of the harassment

  • Was it hard for you to do normal things afterward, like eating or sleeping?
  • Did you have any physical symptoms of stress, and, if so, what were they?
  • Did your mental health suffer, and, if so, in what ways?
  • Did you end up needing to spend money because of the harassment? (Like, if you needed to park somewhere more expensive to feel safe, or spend money on therapy.)
  • Did your ability to earn money suffer because of the harassment? (Like, if you needed to turn down work, or accept worse shifts.)

Keep copies of any evidence you have

It’s a great idea to keep copies of any evidence you might have. Here are the kinds of things you should be thinking about keeping:

  • emails
  • text messages
  • phone call logs
  • pictures
  • original documents

If the harasser has been harassing you by email, keep copies of those emails. If you have emailed with other people about the harassment, keep those too. Do the same with text messages.

If the harasser has been phoning you repeatedly, take screenshots of your phone call log.

If the harasser has been putting up harassing materials in the workplace (porn, signs, or other things), take pictures of them with your phone.

If there are other original documents available to you, like work schedules that show you are being denied shifts, either keep them or take photos of them.

A safety plan might seem unnecessary. But it can really help. It can be hard to think clearly when someone is harassing you, so it’s important to think through what you’ll do beforehand. Even if your plan ends up seeming really basic and obvious, it will help you prepare to handle yourself well.

A safety plan can be essentially whatever you think you may need. It could be a 42-page printed document that you carry around with you. Or it could be just a few steps that you take now to make yourself ready – for example by talking to a few people and putting some numbers into your phone.

Tip

If you want help making a safety plan, call any sexual assault centre. You can find them here.

Tip

If your circumstances at work change in a way that affects your plan, don’t forget to update it. 

Things to consider for your plan

  • Contact information for people you might need to reach quickly, like a boss or supervisor, HR, building security, local police, taxi services, or a friend who lives nearby. Make sure all this information is in your phone.
  • Contact information for someone who can drop you off or pick you up, so you don’t have to arrive or leave work alone.
  • Names of people at work you trust, who you can talk with about what’s happening.
  • A list of tasks that you feel safe completing, so you can volunteer for them when you feel unsafe. Also, a list of tasks that you don’t feel safe completing. For example, you might not be comfortable taking trash outside or being anywhere alone. If you’re asked to do something you don’t feel safe doing, you can be ready to suggest an alternative that does feel safe.
  • The harasser’s name and what they look like, in case you need to tell security, a friend, or the police. If you have their phone number, put it in your contacts so you know it’s them if they text or call.
  • What the harasser’s vehicle looks like so you can tell if they follow you home. Write down the make, model, colour, and licence plate.
  • The safest entrances and exits to your workplace. Learn how to open windows so you can yell for help or escape.
  • A plan for what you’ll do if the harasser’s behaviours escalate. You might decide to quit your job, call the police, or to talk with your employer.

Other things you can consider to keep yourself safe

  • Consider talking with the harasser directly.
  • Consider talking with your employer.
  • See if you can get your work hours changed so you don’t work at the same time as the harasser, or alone with them.
  • Avoid socializing with the harasser, especially by yourself and especially if alcohol is involved.
  • Search your phone’s app store for personal safety apps. They offer a range of functionality to help you stay safe, like fake calls you can schedule to get yourself out of uncomfortable situations, or panic buttons that send your location to friends.
  • Confide in co-workers you trust so they know what’s going on and can help you, for example by distracting or shutting down the harasser.
  • Set up code words with friends at work that they can use to warn you if the harasser’s approaching, or that you can use to tell them you need help.
  • Befriend the security guards at your work. Learn their names and make sure they know yours.
  • See if you can move to a different work location—for example, to be further away from the harasser or the men’s washroom. Or, move closer to common areas so that you are less likely to be alone.
  • Keep a journal about the harasser’s behaviours. Write down anything negative that happens. Include dates, times, and the names of co-workers who were present.
  • Ask your boss to install security cameras and to let everyone at work know they’re there. It’s better for the harasser to know that they will be caught and not harass you at all than for them to be caught in the act.
  • Keep your phone with you, and keep it charged. If cell reception is terrible, ask for a walkie-talkie that connects you to someone on duty.
  • Note the nearest exit when you enter a room.
  • Check bathrooms and elevators before going in.
  • Ask a security guard to walk you to your car or the transit stop.
  • If you drive, keep your car doors locked. When you get to your car, only open the driver’s door.
  • Park in well-lit areas near safe entrances.
  • Be aware of your mental health, and take steps to keep yourself healthy.
  • Build a strong support network. Even if you already have a good group of friends and family, it can really help to seek support from professionals and from other people who’ve been harassed.
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