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The first thing you need to know is that self-blame is really common. And it can be confusing. Because even when we know rationally that the harassment wasn’t our fault, emotionally we can still feel like it was.

If you’re experiencing self-blame, here are things you might be thinking:

  • It’s my fault it happened.
  • I must have said or done something to give them the impression I would be okay with this.
  • There’s something wrong with me, because they picked me.
  • People can tell there’s something about me that makes it safe to harass me.
  • This is my fault, because it’s happened to me before.
  • I should have known better.
  • If I hadn’t (stayed late/laughed at their jokes/worn that outfit) none of this would have happened.

These thoughts might make you feel embarrassed, guilty, upset with yourself, or ashamed. But we want to be clear that you did not deserve to be sexually harassed. This is true regardless of what you wear, how you look, how much money you make, where you work, what you do, or anything else.

You did not deserve what happened to you. It was not your fault.

Even so, sometimes we do blame ourselves. To move past that, it can help to understand why we’re doing it.

It’s not your fault

It’s common to wonder what it was about you that caused the sexual harassment.

The truth is the person who harassed you was most likely going to harass somebody. It’s very rare for someone to only sexually harass one person, one time. The person probably harassed other people before you, and they will probably harass more people in the future.

It’s really important to know there’s nothing specific about you that makes you deserving of harassment.

Sexual harassment is incredibly common, and all kinds of people get harassed. Younger people and older people. People who dress modestly and people who don’t. People who are conventionally attractive and people who aren’t. People who are religious and people who aren’t. People who behave the way society expects them to and people who don’t.

Seriously: It’s not about you. It’s not about who you are or what you’ve done.

That’s easy to say, but for a lot of us, it can take a while to truly accept it. Keep reading to understand some more reasons why we struggle with blaming ourselves.

You can’t control other people

After a harmful experience, your brain looks for ways to prevent it from happening again. Even when it’s something you can’t control, like what someone else does, your brain looks for ways you can protect yourself.

Subconsciously, you might be thinking: “If I can figure out what I did to cause this, then I can avoid doing that so this awful thing won’t happen again.”

Imagine if you tripped and hurt yourself. You might go over what you were doing before that. Say, you realize that you were running or not looking where you were going and that’s what led to you falling down. So in the future, you slow down and look more carefully to keep from tripping again.

But things aren’t always in your control. Being sexually harassed is less like you were running and tripped and more like someone pushed you. Replaying everything you did or didn’t do doesn’t actually help you to prevent it from happening again.

It wasn’t something you did

Maybe you dated the person, flirted with them, or had sex with them before. Maybe you knew or suspected that they had a history of being inappropriate with others. Maybe you’ve always looked up to this person, considered them a friend, a mentor, or someone who’s helped you a lot in the past. Maybe it’s happened more than once.

Maybe when it happened you didn’t know how to react so you didn’t say anything. Maybe after it happened you acted overly nice to the person or reassured them it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe the person isn’t the kind of person we think a harasser is: they’re someone really respected in society or more attractive than you or physically smaller or female. So you or others have a hard time believing that person could hurt you. Maybe you really like the person for other reasons and feel torn about seeing them as someone who’s hurt you.

It’s important to know that it’s not unusual if your situation feels more complicated—in fact, that’s the more common situation. The majority of sexual harassment cases involve some kind of complication.

Often the person who sexually harassed you uses those complications to confuse you, to deny it happened, or to convince themselves or others that what they did was okay.

But the truth is they harassed you.

Why people sometimes don’t believe you

It’s possible that, after you experience sexual harassment, someone you tell minimizes, dismisses, or flat-out doesn’t believe you when you tell them what happened.

The person you tell may ask you what you did, what you wore, or how you responded, implying that this was somehow because of you. That makes it even harder to not feel responsible.

Why do people question you or not believe you? There can be lots of reasons.

  • They may be surprised or in shock.
  • They may be unable to believe that you could be hurt.
  • They may be unable to think that someone they trust or respect would harass another person.
  • They may want to protect the person who harassed you or the company where you work.
  • They may have an idea of what counts (and what doesn’t count) as sexual harassment. Like, they may assume it can only happen if the person is physically violent.
  • They may think you must have done something to cause or deserve it.

We are slowly getting better at changing those reactions, but there’s still a strong assumption that somehow sexual harassment is avoidable.

If A Robbery Report Was Treated Like A Rape Report, Cynthia Kao

What can help

  • It can be helpful to realize why our brain replays over (and over and over) why we think it was our fault. Remember that, even if your brain is able to identify something you could have done differently, that’s not the same thing as you being the one who caused the harassment.
  • Remember that, at the time, you might not have known everything that you now know. Even if there are certain things you would change now, at the time you likely didn’t have all the information to know what to do or what not to do.
  • Ask yourself: “How would I feel if a close friend was in my situation instead of me?” Would you place the same level of blame on them? Or would you feel more patient or protective? Many people find it easier to be understanding with a friend than they are with themselves. For the same reasons you wouldn’t blame a friend after they were sexually harassed, you also don’t deserve that blame.
  • Remember that the harassment doesn’t define you or your self-worth. This is something that happened to you. This is something that can have a big impact on you. But this was not because of you. The sexual harassment is entirely because of the person who harassed you.
  • Talk to someone who is understanding and supportive. Explain to them how asking certain questions may make you feel blamed and clarify how they can better support you. A lot of the time, we just need someone who will listen and make an effort to understand. If it’s hard to find someone in your life who can do this, consider speaking to a counsellor, therapist, or health care worker who has experience in working with people around sexual harassment. If it’s difficult to access professional help, consider calling a helpline.
Important

Sometimes it can be triggering to read about anxiety. Please pay attention to how you’re feeling as you read this, and take a break if you feel you need to.

Sexual harassment is inherently scary, and feeling afraid or anxious is totally understandable.

Some of the things you may be worrying about:

  • Is the harassment going to get worse?
  • What if they won’t stop?
  • What if they hurt me again?
  • If I report it will this only get worse?
  • What’s going to happen to my career if other people find out?
  • Should I report it?
  • Should I try to talk to the harasser, to try to get them to stop?
  • If I manage to stop them, will they take it out on someone else?
  • Did I do something to cause this?
  • What if no one believes me?
  • What if this somehow gets turned against me and I get in trouble?
  • Will I get fired?
  • If I say something to HR and nothing happens, how will I be able to keep working here?

That fear can be self-protective, as it is alerting you to possible threats and trying to keep you safe. Anxiety can affect your sleep, appetite, memory, ability to focus, and overall mood. If you’re feeling really anxious and stressed, you may also start to feel more impatient, irritable, or confused, or have difficulty enjoying things that usually make you happy.

When you’re feeling anxious, you might find it hard to bring a typical level of focus to your work or personal life. You might be making mistakes in a way that’s unusual for you. This can compound the anxiety and lead to an increase in overall stress.

Anxiety can show up in thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical symptoms.

Thoughts: It can be a state of thinking, like thoughts that replay over and over again, or worries—a lot of “what ifs” like the ones above.

Emotions: It can be a feeling you experience that is similar to feeling scared, afraid, tense, or uneasy.

Behaviours: It can make you pace, double-check on things, bite your nails, avoid situations that feel scary, or seek reassurance from others.

Physical symptoms: It can cause physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, trouble breathing, and nausea.

What are panic attacks

  • Panic attacks can be confusing, especially if you haven’t experienced them before. They can occur in your body even at times when you are not “feeling” anxious or having anxious thoughts.
  • It’s easy to mistake panic attacks for heart attacks or other health issues. If you are unsure what is happening, please seek medical advice. Once you’ve been able to rule out other possible concerns, it can be helpful to recognize that you’re having a panic attack and remind yourself that you are safe and okay.
  • The physical symptoms of panic attacks are very real. What you are experiencing is real. But a panic attack is not physically harmful. You cannot die from a panic attack. Tell yourself that, despite how it feels, you will be okay and the panic will go away eventually. Think of your panic attack as a false alarm.
  • You can read more about panic attacks in this article from Anxiety Canada.

What can help

  • It’s important to know that anxiety is treatable. People with anxiety disorders can feel better, most often from the support of health care professionals.
  • Anxiety and fear happen when we feel unsafe. If you’re able to take steps toward safety, you may notice less anxiety as your mind and body adjust to no longer being in as much danger. However, even when you are safe, you may continue to feel on high alert. It can be helpful to remind yourself when you are in a safe environment by saying things like, “I’m safe now.”
  • Often during this time it can be hard to prioritize taking care of ourselves; but while these strategies don’t solve the issue, they can make a difference to our ability to handle the sources of stress. It can be really difficult or even feel impossible to take care of yourself when you’re struggling. Exercise, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, trying to sleep, and spending time with loved ones can all help us to cope better. If this is hard for you right now, we get it. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Instead, pay attention to what you are already doing well, even if it’s something small. You Feel Like Shit is a game that gives tips for self-care. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow Tiny Care Bot for self-care reminders.
  • When feeling anxious, it is common for people to start doing things like drinking or eating more, shopping more, or spending more time watching TV, on social media, or playing video games. If this sounds like you, be patient with yourself and understanding about why you may be seeking distraction. There’s no benefit to judging yourself. If these behaviours are starting to have a significant impact on your health, relationships, finances, etc., be honest with yourself and seek help. Connect with a professional—a therapist, a helpline—or consider small steps you can take to reduce the harms you are experiencing.
Important

If you continue to feel anxious or afraid, consider talking with a professional. A helpline can assist, or your family doctor, or a therapist who’s trained to support people who have experienced work stress, sexual harassment, and/or sexual assault.

Another thing that can be very helpful is to find ways to change your perspective. Anxiety Canada may have some useful resources for you.

We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There are dozens of laws in Canada created to protect people against sexual harassment. Each one is different. After reading this article, you won’t know for sure if the law in Canada would say you’ve been sexually harassed. We’re sorry! We wish we could tell you that, but we can’t.

Here’s what we can tell you:

If you are being sexually harassed at work, there are two main types of law in Canada that apply to you.

  1. employment and labour laws, designed to protect workers
  2. human rights laws, designed to protect everybody

Those laws are all different. But they’re all intended to protect against harassment on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression.

And as they interpret the laws, judges generally ask the same types of questions.

Did the harassment happen on the basis of your sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression?

Sexual harassment laws in Canada prohibit harassment on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of sex:

A group of men in a bar sexually harass their server by commenting on her looks and repeatedly propositioning her.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of sexual orientation:

A man sexually harasses another man by making fun of him for being gay.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of gender identity:

A group of men sexually harass a trans woman by asking her questions about her gender and using anti-trans slurs.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of gender expression:

A supervisor sexually harasses a female employee by telling her to wear skirts and heels.

If the harassment was based on your sex, your sexual orientation, your gender identity, or your gender expression, that means it qualifies as “sexual.”

Was the behaviour unwelcome?

This is a simple test:

  • Did the behaviour make you unhappy?
  • Did you dislike it and wish it would stop?
  • Did it make you feel offended or demeaned?
  • Did you find it shocking or vulgar?
  • Did you feel like you were being abused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, that would suggest to a judge that you were being harassed.

Would a “reasonable person” find this behaviour unacceptable?

Even if you answered yes to the questions above, a judge wants to know whether a so-called reasonable or average person would feel the same way.

For example, a typical reasonable person might think that a co-worker asking someone out on a date is okay, but a co-worker texting someone pornographic images is not. A judge might then rule that “texting pornographic images” is harassment, but asking someone out once is not. Even if both those things felt like harassment to you, the “reasonable person” standard would suggest to a judge that they’re not the same.

Sometimes this question is what a “reasonable person,” a “reasonable woman,” a “reasonable gay man,” or some other kind of person might think. Its purpose is always the same: to ask whether somebody reasonable, experiencing a particular kind of behaviour, would consider it to be harassment.

Did the bad behaviour happen only once or more often?

Normally, for behaviour to count as sexual harassment, it has to happen more than once. But if the behaviour was really bad—like if your boss literally told you he would fire you if you didn’t have sex with him—once might be enough for it to count under the law.

That’s how the laws work in general.

To know which laws apply to you, you need to know whether you work in an industry that’s provincially regulated or federally regulated.

Read Am I a federally regulated worker? (And why it matters)

You didn’t ask to be sexually harassed. It’s not like you have a plan for this.

So the experts say that, before you do anything else, it’s a good idea to take some time to gather information. That should help you decide what to do next.

Here’s what you’re trying to figure out.

Does your work seem like the kind of place that tolerates harassment?

There’s no way to know for sure. But here are some questions you can ask yourself:

  • Is your workplace aggressive and competitive?
  • Is leadership mostly male?
  • Do some people at your work have a lot of power and others very little?
  • Do people talk and joke about sex a lot?
  • Do people openly make fun of other people?
  • Are people openly racist or sexist?
  • Have you ever seen anyone treated badly and nobody stopped it?
  • Is there anybody who everybody knows harasses people but nobody has stopped them?

Those are all bad signs. If they describe your workplace, that would suggest your it may tolerate sexual harassment.

Here are some more questions:

  • Does your workplace seem like it cares about fairness?
  • Does your boss seem to care about you as a person?
  • Is there an HR department?
  • Have you ever had sexual harassment training at work?
  • Is there a sexual harassment policy that’s easily available to you?
  • Is your workplace pretty balanced in terms of gender?
  • Are there women, 2SLGBTQIA+ people, and racialized people in leadership positions?
  • Would you be able to report to someone who is not a man?
  • Do you know and trust the person you’d be reporting to?
  • When people at your work behave badly, does anybody stop them?
  • Does your workplace seem like it respects the people who work there?
  • Does it seem like it cares about them as people?

If any of those describe your workplace, that’s good. It suggests your employer may take sexual harassment seriously.

Why does this matter? Because employers vary a lot. Some are great and will quickly take steps to solve the problem. Some are awful and will punish you for even bringing it up. (That’s against the law, but it happens anyway.) It’s worth spending a little time thinking about your employer and how likely they are to handle this problem well.

Are there co-workers you can talk with?

Talking with co-workers can be really helpful, or it can cause you serious problems. It depends on the co-worker.

A good co-worker will believe you and support you. They might give you useful information and advice. They might be able to protect you from the person who’s harassing you, or help you persuade your bosses to take the harassment seriously.

A bad co-worker may judge you and gossip about you.

Before you talk with any co-workers, it’s worth taking some time to figure out who seems trustworthy.

Are there people with power at your work you might be able to trust?

Think about the people with power at your workplace:

  • your own supervisor
  • your supervisor’s boss, if they have one
  • people in HR or scheduling
  • anybody who has been working there for a long time 
  • anybody other people seem to take seriously
  • anybody in a position of authority, even if they’re in another department or division
  • your union rep, if you’re a union member, or someone else at your union, like a “women’s trustee” or a “human rights officer”
  • anyone with responsibility for worker health and safety

What do you think about those people? Is there anyone who seems especially thoughtful or kind? Is there anyone you’ve ever seen defend someone weaker than they are, or step in to stop bad behaviour?

Why does this matter? Because later you might want to talk to someone with power and get their advice or help. It’s worth thinking now about who you might pick.

Is there a sexual harassment policy, and if so what does it say?

Some employers have a sexual harassment policy and some don’t. Large employers usually do.

If yours does, it might be posted on a wall, or on the company intranet if there is one. Sometimes it will be part of an employee handbook or an HR manual. The name of the policy might not include the words “sexual harassment.” If you can’t find anything with that title, look for phrases like “workplace harassment,” “workplace violence,” “sexual violence,” “respect in the workplace,” “code of conduct,” or “code of practice.”

If you can’t find anything yourself, you might be able to get a copy from your union rep or HR rep, if you have one. You might want to be careful about how you ask. Consider asking for the employee handbook or policy book, and maybe avoid saying why you want it, if your gut feeling is it might be dangerous to say why.

If you’re a union member, your collective agreement might also have information about sexual harassment. You can ask your union rep for a copy.

Why should you do this?If your employer has a detailed policy, it’s good for you to know what it says. If they don’t, that’s useful information too. At this point, you’re just gathering  information, and the more you have, the better.

What other supports might be available to you?

This is a good time to start figuring out what other supports might be available to you.

Important

Below, we’re going to give links to some specific organizations. We’re not endorsing them or their work, and we’re not saying they’ll be able to help you. They’re just examples of the kinds of supports that might be available. You should do your own research to find organizations and associations that might fit your situation.

Why does this matter? Experts say that, at this point, you should be looking around to see where you might find help if you need it. You might not want to reach out to these people and groups now, but you may want to later.

That’s it!

You’ve done a lot now. You’ve assessed your workplace, figured out who there you might be able to trust, figured out whether there’s a policy that might protect you, and identified some of the other supports that might be available to you later if you need them.

That’s great. Now you’re in a better position to figure out what you want to do.

Most people who are being sexually harassed don’t report the harassment to their employer, because they don’t want a formal investigation. It’s really common for people to feel like the harassment isn’t serious enough to be worth reporting, or to worry that an investigation will make things worse for them, not better.

If you do want a formal investigation, read about how to make an official report to your employer.

If you don’t want a formal investigation, you’ll need to be careful.

Why? Because some workplaces are subject to laws or internal policies that require an investigation whenever that workplace has any reason to believe somebody might be being sexually harassed. In those workplaces, if you talk with your supervisor or HR about sexual harassment, they may have to start an investigation even if you don’t want them to, and even if they don’t want to.

If you think your workplace might be like that and you don’t want to trigger a formal investigation, here are some scripts for how you might be able to talk with your employer without triggering anything formal. But we need to warn you: these scripts may not work. Any time you raise the issue of sexual harassment with somebody at work, it’s possible an investigation may get triggered, even if nobody wants one.

That said, here are some scripts you might try:

I want to talk with you confidentially about a problem I’m having here at work with another person. But before I can do that, I would need you to promise me that this would be confidential. I don’t want HR involved or anything like that. Can you promise me we can keep it between us?

Let’s say, hypothetically, there’s a trans person in this office, and one of their co-workers finds out their old name and won’t stop using it. If that happened, and the trans person reported it to their supervisor, would the supervisor have to launch an official harassment investigation, or do you think they could just talk to the co-worker and tell them to use the trans person’s correct name?

I wanted to talk with you because I trust you. I’m having a problem here at work, with another person. I thought it would go away but it isn’t. I don’t want to name names right now. But I am looking for advice. Can I speak with you confidentially?

If you don’t care whether you trigger an investigation, or if you feel pretty confident that you won’t, then you could try these kinds of scripts:

I don’t know if you know this but the new co-owner has been coming into the bar most nights. He’s been getting pretty drunk, and when that happens, he gets flirty with me and the other women. Can you talk to him and get this shut down before it gets any worse?

I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable about the guys in the warehouse. There’s always been a lot of teasing and joking, and lately I’ve been feeling like it’s crossing a line. The other day one guy used an anti-gay slur in front of me. I don’t want to get anybody in trouble and I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m ratting them out. But I’m worried this is getting worse. Can I ask you to step in and see if you can get them to take it down a notch?

You know Ernie, the client I’ve been helping with his foot care? Last time I was there he was pawing at me. I’m not sure if he really knows what he’s doing, because of his dementia. But still, it was scary, because we’re alone and he’s pretty strong. Do you think you could assign him to someone else, maybe a man, instead of me?

In our office, there’s a lot of sexual banter. People use crass language loudly in the common areas, there are a lot of sex jokes, and stuff like that. It’s not directed at me; in fact I think they try to tone it down around me because they can tell it makes me uncomfortable. But still, it happens every day. I find it distracting and I think it’s inappropriate at work. Do you think you could talk to people and ask them to cut it out? I don’t want anyone to get in trouble. I would just really like it if they would stop.

Our client Dan is being kind of awful. He keeps talking about how ‘cute’ and ‘fun’ I am, and complimenting me on what I’m wearing. Yesterday he heard I’m getting married, and he made a whole thing out of how sad he was. I’m starting to get creeped out. I feel like it could be risky for me to try to address this myself, because I’m so junior and he’s an important client. I would really like to be moved to a different file. Do you think we could do that?

I work at night with Ben. This is weird, but when we pass each other in the halls at night, he always pretends to punch me in the groin. He’s laughing and he obviously means it as a joke. But I don’t find it funny. Every time he does it, I ask him to stop, but he keeps doing it. Do you think you could tell him he really does need to stop?

You know I’m trans. Erin found out my old name, the one I had before I transitioned, and now she keeps calling me by it. I’ve asked her to stop, but she keeps using it, and she says it shouldn’t bother me because she’s not trying to be offensive. But it does bother me and it is offensive. Can you talk to her and make her stop?

In talking with your employer, try to be clear about what you want. If you want them to talk directly with the harasser, you can tell them that. If you would rather they handle it some other way, tell them that. Your employer may not be able to handle the harassment the way you want them to, but in a good scenario they will try.

When you get sexually harassed at work, you have three basic options. You can:

  1. stay at work and try to cope, without reporting the harassment
  2. stay at work and formally report the harassment to someone in a position of authority
  3. quit your job

Each of those choices will affect you financially. 

In this article, we’ll go through them one by one.

What happens if you decide to stay at work and try to cope

We’ll start with the choice that’s the most common. Most people, at least at first, decide to stay at work and try to cope with the harassment.

From a purely financial perspective this is your best bet, because it means things stay pretty much the same money-wise.

You might find yourself needing to spend extra money to keep yourself safe. (Like, taking a taxi instead of the bus, or buying a safety app for your phone.) Or you might find yourself giving up some of your ability to earn money. (Like, to avoid the harasser, you might need to drop certain shifts or certain customers.)

But, in general, if you stay with your current job, things probably won’t change much from a financial perspective.

At least, not at first.

We need to warn you, though. Researchers say that if you get sexually harassed over a long period of time—whether it’s by one person or lots of different people—it will start to grind away at your mental health. And that can end up costing you money.

  • You might end up needing to take unpaid sick days or go on a stress leave. Maybe you end up spending lots of money on things to make yourself feel better. Maybe you end up needing to see a therapist, or pay for medication.
  • As the stress piles up, you might find yourself doing less well at your job, which can also cost you money. You might not get promoted, or get a raise. In a really bad scenario, you could get fired.
  • If the harassment goes on long enough, some people find themselves waking up one day just completely unable to go into work. They are so stressed and so burned out they are just done. They thought they were doing okay until one day they just…weren’t.

Staying at work and trying to cope can turn out okay. But you may be affected financially, and, if the harassment is bad enough, you could end up unable to work.

What happens if you decide to formally report the harassment

Reporting sexual harassment is risky.

If you have a good employer, they will handle your report fine, and you shouldn’t suffer any financial consequences.

But for most people, it’s not like that.

When people complain about being harassed, it’s common for their employer to end up punishing them for it, and that punishment is often financial. You get fewer shifts, fewer hours, fewer assignments. You get demoted, or denied a raise or promotion that you should have gotten. In a worst-case scenario, you get fired.

And it’s not just your employer who can cause you financial harm. Your co-workers and broader professional network can cost you money, too.

That’s because when people hear that someone has complained about being sexually harassed—whether that person is a co-worker, a professional acquaintance, or a boss at another company—it’s unfortunately common for them to decide the person who reported is a troublemaker and a drama queen.

That can cost you money because normally we rely on other people to help us make money. Other people tell us about opportunities, tell us how to get promoted or get a raise, and recommend us for jobs. If that stops happening, our finances are going to suffer.

So reporting harassment is financially risky. It might work out okay, but if people decide you’re a troublemaker, that might cost you money.

What happens if you decide to quit your job

Quitting your job might seem like the best financial decision you could make. You get to leave on your terms and your own timeline, which means there’s no gap in your pay. And you get away from the whole problem and all the risk it creates.

But most people who quit their job to get away from sexual harassment? They end up making less at their next job.

When women leave a job due to sexual harassment, research indicates that they often move to a job of lower quality or with lower pay. This impacts women’s short- and long-term economic security as they earn less and ultimately retire with less income.

Deborah J. Vagins and Mary Gatta, American Association of University Women
“Limiting Our Livelihoods: The Cumulative Impact of Sexual Harassment on Women’s Careers.”

One study found that four out of five people who were sexually harassed had a different job two years later. The researchers interviewed those people, and here are some of the stories they found:

  • A flight attendant ended up taking a job at a hospital. Her pay dropped 50%.
  • A patient-care worker took a different job doing the same kind of work. Her pay dropped 9%.
  • A nurse took a different nursing job. Her pay dropped 40%.
  • An administrative assistant took a job at a call centre. Her pay dropped 52%.
  • An apprentice in the construction industry took a job as a bus driver. Her pay dropped 29%.
  • A shift leader at a fast-food restaurant took a job at a different fast-food restaurant. Her pay dropped 11%.

Those people weren’t just getting paid less; their new jobs were also financially worse in other ways. They were less likely to offer a pension. Benefits were worse. There was less vacation time.

Why do people end up in worse-paying jobs?

  • When a person has been harassed, it can be hard for them to explain why they left (or are leaving) their last job.
  • They might end up leaving without a good reference.
  • They might be seeking a job where they’re less likely to get harassed again, which might involve accepting lower-paid work.
  • They might not be at their best mentally or emotionally while they’re job hunting.

People are especially likely to take a big pay cut if they’re currently working in a majority-male environment, like mining and gas, construction, policing, the military, science, engineering, or technology.

Why? Because majority-male environments generally pay a lot more than industries that don’t have a lot of men. Researchers call this a “wage premium.”

When people leave a majority-male workplace due to harassment, they’ll often decide to seek out a workplace that doesn’t include a lot of men, so they can avoid being harassed again.

That’s how people can end up with a big pay cut. They are giving up the “wage premium” of a majority-male industry in exchange for lowering their risk of getting harassed.

Let’s recap.

  • If you stay at work and try to cope, your costs might be pretty small. But in a worst-case scenario, you could end up getting so stressed out that you’re unable to work at all.
  • If you formally report, your costs could be zero. But if you get tagged as a troublemaker, your career—and therefore also your finances—could really suffer.
  • If you quit your job, your costs could be zero. But it’s fairly likely your next job will pay less, and—especially if you currently work in a majority-male environment—maybe a lot less.

We looked for Canadian information on the lifetime costs of sexual harassment, but couldn’t find any. But we did find U.S. data.

A 2021 report from the U.S. Institute for Women’s Policy Research and the Time’s Up Foundation says that, for a low-paid service-sector worker who changes their job due to sexual harassment, the lifetime costs of being sexually harassed will be about $160,000. For an apprentice in a majority-male trade environment, the lifetime cost might be as high as $1.7 million.

That’s serious money. You shouldn’t have to lose it. It’s not fair.

But now that you know what sexual harassment can cost you, you can take steps to protect yourself.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There is no single legal definition for sexual harassment. But it is generally defined as something like this: unwanted behaviour related to a person’s sex or gender that may harm, offend, or humiliate the person who is being harassed.

Under Canadian laws, sexual harassment is prohibited. People have the right not to be sexually harassed at work, and employers have an obligation to provide a workplace that’s free of harassment. Everybody has a responsibility to not sexually harass other people.

Who gets sexually harassed the most?

Most people who get sexually harassed are women. Otherwise, the people who get sexually harassed don’t have much in common.

  • Sexual harassment happens to people of all ages.
  • It happens to people no matter what they look like.
  • It happens to people no matter how they dress.
  • It happens to people no matter how they behave.

Do some kinds of people get harassed more than others?

Yes. Harassers tend to choose:

  • people who are new to a workplace
  • people who are new to an industry
  • racialized people
  • people with disabilities
  • people who are 2SLGBTQIA+
  • immigrants and refugees
  • people who have less workplace power than the harasser does

Sexual harassment happens in all kinds of workplaces and industries. But there are some environments where it’s more common than others:

  • workplaces where there are lots of men and very few women
  • service-sector jobs, especially bars and restaurants
  • jobs where you work alone with a man
  • jobs where you work in somebody’s home

Sexual harassment thrives in organizations that have a preponderance of men, turn a blind eye to bad behavior, neglect respect and fairness, and/or promote dysfunctional masculinity contests.

Lilia M. Cortina, professor of psychology, Women’s and Gender Studies, University of Michigan.
Maira A. Areguin, graduate student, Joint Program in Women’s and Gender Studies and Personality & Social Contexts, University of Michigan.
“Putting People Down and Pushing Them Out: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.“

Some common examples of sexual harassment

  • Someone is hugging or touching you without your consent.
  • Someone is asking you out repeatedly or is sexually propositioning you.
  • Someone is invading your personal space or staring at you in a sexual way.
  • Someone is talking about you, or to you, in a sexual way.
  • Someone is displaying or showing or sending you sexual imagery.
  • Someone is sharing sexual images of you with other people.
  • Someone is making sexual jokes to you or in front of you.
  • Someone is trying to make you behave in a more feminine or masculine way.
  • Someone is making fun of the way you look or act because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.
  • Someone is using gender-based slurs about you or in front of you.
  • Someone is spreading rumours about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is asking you questions about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is withholding job-related information from you, or is making it difficult in some other way for you to do your job because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is making you feel not accepted, or unsafe, because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.

Before we start, we want to warn you: Reading this article may make you mad, because some of what we’re going to tell you is pretty depressing.

Now that you’ve been warned, let’s begin.

What happens if you decide to report the harassment

This is the high-risk choice. Reporting can really hurt your career. We hate saying that, but it’s true, and you need to know it.

If you have a great employer, reporting will probably go fine. Your employer will act quickly and with sensitivity to protect you and the workplace.

But that’s not what usually happens. For many people, reporting is a really bad experience.

I just felt really belittled, just the whole interview was not very pleasant. I ended up being really emotional and I actually thought of quitting right away.

Former museum tour guide, describing how she felt after being interviewed by HR at her former employer, following her complaint of sexual harassment

I was warned that I was being a problem, that I was the only person to ever complain about this instructor, that if I continued I would likely find that other schools would hear about me being a problem and that I would probably be failed out of my program. I am still stunned by how quickly I have gone from being a valued student in my program to being an outcast.

Unnamed law student who complained about sexual harassment by her instructor, as quoted in Going Public: A Survivor’s Journey from Grief to Action, by Julie Macfarlane

You get witch-hunted, you get scapegoated, you become the troublesome uppity woman; you become the woman who does not fit.

Anonymous department head, who sued her employer for constructive dismissal and won, quoted in Complaint!, by Sarah Ahmed

Here’s what it looks like when things go badly.

The person you report to may be awkward and uncomfortable

The person you report to may feel like you’re burdening them with extra work or wasting their time on something that’s not really important.

They may feel scared because they know there are laws they’re supposed to follow, and they could get in trouble if they mess up. They may not know exactly what they’re allowed to say or do, and they may need to spend a lot of time documenting your conversations and checking in with HR or lawyers about how to handle things.

That can make them awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing. 

People at your workplace may gossip about you and judge you

Your report is supposed to be kept as confidential as possible. But to investigate, your employer will probably need to talk with the harasser and anyone who might have seen the harassment. They may also need to talk about it with bosses and HR.

It’s not uncommon for basically everybody at your work to find out that you made a report. When that happens, instead of empathizing and feeling bad for you, the people will often empathize instead with the harasser. They often see the harasser as being attacked out of nowhere and unjustly accused. They decide that you misunderstood or are exaggerating what happened, and they worry that the harasser will be unfairly punished.

Meanwhile, they may judge you harshly. They may blame you for handling things badly, for causing trouble and disruption, and for forcing them to “pick a side” between you and the harasser.

The whole thing is made worse by the fact that people aren’t allowed to talk openly about it, because it’s supposed to be confidential. That leaves a lot of space for gossip and rumours.

The harasser may try to ruin your reputation

Once the harasser knows you reported them, it’s very likely they will try to defend themselves by trash-talking you, and getting their friends to do it too.

They’ll try to paint you as an untrustworthy liar. They may say you made up the harassment for personal reasons, or to distract from the fact that you’re bad at your job. It’s really common for them to claim you have a drinking problem, or that you’re mentally ill.

People may decide you’re a troublemaker, and start to treat you badly

Your boss’s interactions with you, which might previously have been warm and friendly, might start to get stiff and uncomfortable. Your boss might punish you for reporting. You might get fewer shifts, or less attractive assignments. (These punishments are called reprisals and they’re so common we wrote an entire article about them.) 

Your co-workers might stop helping you. They might be less willing to trade shifts with you, or teach you something you don’t know how to do. They may start to ice you out socially.

People may stop sharing opportunities with you, like jobs you might be eligible for, or opportunities for overtime or special projects.

The whole thing may snowball, and start to really hurt your career

People may stop talking about you positively. They may describe you as difficult, negative, toxic, and hard to work with. If someone asks about you, they might raise an eyebrow or make a face.

Your career may start to stall or falter. You don’t get promoted; maybe you actually get demoted. People assume it’s because you’re bad at your job.

The gossip and judgment may start to spill out past your own organization. People in your work network become less friendly. You get fewer invitations, and people start to treat you with less respect. If you start to job hunt, it may go less well than you’d expect.

All this makes you enjoy work less and start to feel bad about your career. You get mad at people who aren’t supporting you. You start taking more sick days, or turning up late, or withdrawing from work social activities you used to enjoy. You start performing less well. You might end up getting fired, or leaving on bad terms.

Who gets hurt the most by reporting

Reporting is risky for anyone. But for some people, the risk is extra high.

We’re going to take some time to unpack this, because we think it’s really important.

Reporting is extra likely to hurt your career if you:

  • work at a small company
  • work in a majority-male workplace
  • are being harassed by a customer
  • are new to your industry or employer
  • don’t have a lot of friends at work
  • do work where success is hard to measure
  • are racialized, especially if you’re Black or Indigenous
  • are 2SLGBTQIA+
  • are in your 20s or early 30s

The more of those boxes you tick, the more likely it is that reporting sexual harassment will mess up your career.

Here’s why.

A small company may handle your report badly

Small workplaces can be extra bad at handling reports, because managers there are less likely to understand the law and to have solid legal and HR support. And if your workplace is small, it’s also more likely that the person responsible for stopping the harassment may know and be friends with the harasser.

A majority-male workplace may handle your report badly

Majority-male workplaces—like mining and gas, construction, policing, the military, science, engineering, or technology—have higher levels of sexual harassment. If harassment is generally tolerated at your workplace, it’s less likely your report will be handled well.

If you’re being harassed by a customer, your report may be handled badly

Your employer may be reluctant to protect you against a customer if doing that might cost the company money. (The hospitality industry is especially notorious for tolerating high levels of harassment.) And when it’s a customer harassing you, your employer may not even be clear about what they’re legally allowed, or required, to do.

If you’re new to your industry or employer, reporting may go badly for you

That’s because when you’re new, you have less power. People haven’t known you long enough to have learned to trust you. Plus, because you’re new, you might not understand things well yet—like, who at your work you can trust.

If you don’t have a lot of friends at work, reporting may go badly for you

This is bad news for introverts and people who like to keep their work and social lives separate. If people are gossiping about you at work, friends can defend you. They can also give you a heads-up so you can protect yourself. If you don’t have friends, you’re more vulnerable.

If you do work where success is hard to measure, reporting may go badly for you

In some jobs success can be easily measured by dollars or speed or accuracy. But in most, measuring success is hard. If that’s true for you, it makes it easier for your boss to punish you by saying your work is bad, even if it’s not.

If you’re racialized and work in a majority-white environment, reporting may go badly for you

The research says that when racialized people in majority-white workplaces report harassment, other people often respond by seeing you as ungrateful and disloyal. This is especially true if you’re Black or Indigenous, because Black and Indigenous people are already stereotyped as angry and resentful. Reporting can activate all those stereotypes. That makes it less likely your report will be handled well, and it makes you more vulnerable to reputational damage.

If you’re 2SLGBTQIA+ in a non-2SLGBTQIA+ workplace, reporting may go badly for you

Like with racialized people, when 2SLGBTQIA+ people report harassment, other people see them as ungrateful and disloyal. It’s also common for 2SLGBTQIA+ people—especially trans women, nonbinary/gender-fluid people, bisexual people, and gay men—to be stereotyped as dramatic, dishonest, and untrustworthy. Butch women are often stereotyped as aggressive and threatening. Reporting harassment can activate those stereotypes. That makes it less likely your report will be handled well, which makes you more vulnerable to reputational damage.

If you’re in your twenties or early thirties, reporting may go badly for you

The younger you are, the less likely it is that your report will be taken seriously. This is a credibility issue. If you’re older, and have decades of work experience, it’s harder for people to say you’re confused or misunderstanding what’s happening. It’s also a power issue. If you’re young, you’re unlikely to have much workplace power yet, and so it’s easier for people to ignore your report.

What happens if you stay at work without reporting

This is definitely the safer choice for your career. People know that, and it’s why so few people report.

But it’s not entirely without risk.

If you decide to stay at work and try to cope with the harassment without reporting it, here’s how that can hurt your career.

  • You may feel like you need to change things at work—your shifts, your projects, your work habits—to avoid the harasser. Those decisions might be bad for your career. (Like, for example, if you decide you can’t work late alone anymore, or you can’t take on a particular project.)
  • You may find yourself distracted at work, because you’re worrying about the harassment or trying to avoid the harasser.
  • You may find yourself withdrawing socially at work, to avoid spending time with the harasser.
  • If it’s your boss who’s harassing you, they may punish you for resisting the harassment. They might give you fewer shifts or less attractive assignments. They might start saying you’re doing a bad job, even if you’re not.
  • You might get edgy, nervous, or irritable at work, and that could hurt your reputation.

But here’s the main way your career can get hurt.

If the harassment goes on long enough, or is severe enough, your mental, emotional, and physical health can start to suffer in ways that hurt your ability to do your job.

That’s actually pretty common. Some people wake up one morning completely unable to go to work and are unable to work for weeks or months or even years. It creeps up on them. They think they’re coping fine, and then one day they realize they aren’t. You don’t want that to happen to you.

What happens if you quit your job

If you’re being harassed at work, quitting your job can be great for your career. We hate saying this because you shouldn’t have to quit—but it’s true.

Quitting gets you away from the harassment, and you avoid any damage to your reputation. Nobody trash-talks you, nobody judges you, nobody punishes you. You can get a good reference, and people will talk about you positively after you leave. That’s great for your career and it’s an excellent reason to quit.

But we need to warn you: When people quit their job to get away from harassment, it usually doesn’t go that well for them. It’s very common, in fact, for people to end up taking a new job that’s worse than their old one. People often spend a period of time unemployed, or underemployed. Some never get their career back on track.

It’s a big topic, so we wrote a whole article about it.

The takeaway

The research says that, when people get sexually harassed at work, their career is very likely to suffer. Lots of people end up with their careers permanently damaged.

We want to pause for a minute to acknowledge how unfair that is.

You were minding your own business, doing your job, and somebody decided to harass you. The idea that you should pay a price for that, that your career should end up getting hurt? That really sucks. It’s not fair and we’re sorry.

The good news is there are things you can do to protect yourself. Read our article How to protect your career.

When you’re being sexually harassed at work, there are a million things you could do. But they all boil down to one big decision.

You’re going to do one of these three things:

  1. stay at work without making a formal complaint
  2. formally report what’s happening to someone in a position of authority
  3. quit your job and get a new one

Before we dive into the pros and cons of each choice, we want to tell you something.

You should feel it’s safe to trust your instincts. You are probably going to make the right decision for you.

How do we know that?

We’ve surveyed hundreds of people who’ve been sexually harassed. We’ve talked with dozens more. We’ve read hundreds, maybe thousands, of people’s stories on social media and in books and articles and academic studies.

We’ve learned that people handle sexual harassment in all kinds of different ways. We’ve also learned that most people end up feeling good about what they decided to do.

People may have regrets. But they don’t often regret how they handled the harassment. What they tend to regret is the amount of time they had to spend researching and worrying and agonizing before they could make a decision.

Our goal with this article is to give you information so you can evaluate your options. We want to help you shortcut through the worrying and agonizing phase, so you can move forward more quickly and with confidence.

So here we go. Here are your options.

Option 1: Stay at work and try to cope

This is what most people do, at least in the beginning, at least for a while.

Some don’t tell anyone what’s happening, but quietly take steps to try to keep themselves safe. Some use a whisper network to warn other people. Some talk directly with the harasser to try to make them stop. Some complain informally to their boss. Some try to ignore the harassment and instead stay focused on their own career and their own goals.

Why try to stay at work and cope?

If the harassment is relatively mild and doesn’t repeat, this can be a really good strategy. You get to keep your job, and nothing really changes for you work-wise.

Why not do it?

There’s always a risk the harassment will escalate and you could end up seriously hurt.

Even if that doesn’t happen, if the harassment is severe or lasts a long time, it can really hurt you. And we need to warn you: The damage isn’t always obvious at the time.

Harassment—especially when it’s severe or goes on for a really long time—can cause you all kinds of problems. It can make you enjoy your job less. It can distract you from your work in ways that make you less good at your job. It can make you anxious. It can lead you to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can end up feeling betrayed, suspicious, and cynical about people. And if your job requires you to fake being okay with the harassment (like, if you need to laugh along with people’s “jokes,” or put up with slurs, or being touched, or repeatedly propositioned, or asked invasive questions)—well, that can really wear you down.

It’s also not fair. You deserve a job that’s free of harassment. You shouldn’t have to just suck it up and try to cope with it by yourself.

Staying at work is what people do if the harassment seems too mild to bother quitting or reporting, or if the job is just short term and they’re leaving soon anyway.

People also do it if they feel like they have no choice. If they don’t believe reporting will do any good, and they don’t want to find another job, or can’t—well, in those circumstances people will often try to stay and make their current job work.

For some people this works out fine.

But it’s risky. Some people do this, and then realize years or even decades later that the cumulative effects of the harassment were actually really grinding away at their mental health and their happiness—much more so than they realized at the time. Many do eventually choose to quit or report, and some wish they had done it sooner.

Option 2: Report the harassment

We’re using the word “report” here to mean making a formal complaint. Workplace sexual harassment is illegal, and so if you complain about it to a person in a position of authority, they are supposed to make it stop.

Depending on your situation, there are lots of different ways to make a complaint. You can go to the police. You can make a formal report to your employer. You can complain to your union. You can complain to a human rights body. You can take your employer to court. You can go public.

Why report?

In theory, this is the most obvious thing to do. You should be able to report the harassment, and then somebody should step in and make it stop.

Why not report?

Because often it just doesn’t work out the way it’s supposed to, and in fact it can actually create new, worse problems for you.

If you have a good employer, reporting can work out fine. You tell someone, they make the harassment stop, and that’s the end of it.

But that’s not what usually happens.

Often, what actually happens is that you make the report and end up getting labelled as a troublemaker or a problem because of it. People at your workplace react as though the real problem isn’t the harassment, but you, the person reporting it. (Yeah, we know. This sucks.) You end up getting punished. Your employer starts treating you badly, or fires you.

Some people, if they aren’t satisfied with how their employer handled their report, will carry it further—for example, by filing a complaint with a human rights body, or by taking their employer to court. These are expensive, slow processes, and researchers say they can be really hard on your mental health.

Who reports?

Two kinds of people. People who believe their employer will handle the report well. And people who believe the harassment is so serious that they must report it, even though they don’t think it will get handled well.

That’s not very many people.

Researchers have conducted hundreds of studies and surveys in Canada and other countries, going back to the 1970s, and they’ve all found the same thing: Most workplace sexual harassment is never formally reported. That’s always been true, and it’s still true today, even in the post-#MeToo era.

The people who report tend to be older. Even though harassment is most common in your twenties and early thirties, U.S. data finds that the average age of a person who reports is 47. Some researchers think that’s because older people are more likely to know how to report, or to be in a position where they think they can report and not get punished for it. Others think it’s because older people are just more fed up and angry, because they’ve been experiencing harassment for such a long time.

Researchers say that people who report harassment—and especially those who do it publicly—tend to do it for moral reasons. They’re furious. They don’t necessarily think reporting will do any good. They just feel like morally they have no choice.

Option 3: Quit your job

Lots of people end up quitting their job to get away from harassment. One study found that, two years after being harassed, four out of five people were working somewhere else.

Some people actually quit their entire industry. If you work in a harassment-heavy industry —like hospitality, or a majority-male environment like policing, construction, or software development—well, you might want to just get out of it. You might feel like you’d be better off in an industry where you don’t have to deal with being harassed all the time.

Why quit your job?

Because it works. Quitting your job is the fastest and most effective way to end the harassment. It gets you away from the harasser, and away from an unhealthy work environment. You may end up in a new job—or even a whole new career—where you don’t get harassed any more.

Why not quit your job?

Because you shouldn’t have to. You should be able to pick your work based on other reasons, like what jobs are available, what you’re good at, and what you enjoy doing. You shouldn’t have to pick your job based on how likely you are to be harassed while doing it.

Another bad thing about quitting: It can be surprisingly bad for you financially. The study that said it was common for people to have a new job after being harassed? It found that, in their new jobs, all those people were making less money.

Who quits their job?

People who aren’t very attached to their current job and can easily get another one. People who’ve been harassed for a long time, or are experiencing really severe harassment, and can’t find a way to make it stop. People who don’t want to report what’s happening, because they don’t trust their employer to handle it well.

So that’s it. Those are your options.

We want to say again: We believe you are going to handle this fine. You know yourself and your situation. You can trust yourself to handle this in the way that’s best for you.

We want to say one more thing: Sometimes when we talked with people, they told us they felt guilty about how they handled being harassed. They felt like they had made the right choice for them, but they felt bad that they didn’t do something that was “brave” or that would help other people. Some people said they felt pressure to “stand up for themselves” and “fight back,” and they felt bad they didn’t do that.

If you’re feeling that way, we urge you, please, to let it go.

All the choices are brave. Every decision is honourable.

If you need the permission of strangers on the internet telling you it’s okay to do what’s right for you, we are here to enthusiastically give you that permission.

We urge you to centre your own needs and interests and hopes and dreams and goals.

We urge you to make the decision that’s best for you.

Important

If you’re considering quitting your job, we urge you to talk with a lawyer first. A lawyer can help you figure out whether there’s a way to get your employer to pay you money to make up for the harassment.

Why quit your job

That’s easy. Quitting your job is the fastest and simplest way to stop the harassment and get out of an unhealthy workplace. It immediately reduces the risk that something really bad will happen to you. It’s the fastest way to shut down the whole problem and get on with your life.

Why not quit your job

Because you shouldn’t have to. Why should you have to leave your job, just because someone decided to harass you?

Who quits their job to get away from harassment

Mostly it’s two types of people. People who do work where it’s normal to change jobs a lot, and people who are facing really severe or long-term harassment.

Jobs where it’s normal to move around a lot

In some types of work, changing jobs a lot is normal. This is true in the hospitality sector (like bartending, serving, hosting), in retail jobs, in some kinds of sales and customer support work, and some kinds of personal or homecare support (like PSW or cleaning work).

Usually, these jobs don’t require too much specialized training, there are lots of jobs available, they’re all pretty similar to each other, and often people get new jobs through their friends. That makes it easy to move around.

For people in jobs like that, quitting can be a pretty easy decision. Those people usually quit quickly and don’t say why they’re leaving.

Jobs where you’ve faced really severe or long-term harassment

When they get harassed, most people don’t quit right away. But if the harassment is very severe or goes on for a long time, most people will eventually quit. This is especially true for jobs and workplaces where there’s a lot of harassment, like industries with lots of male customers and clients (like hospitality) or where the workforce is mostly men (like construction or law enforcement or software development). It’s also true for racialized people in majority-white workplaces, and 2SLGBTQIA+ people in workplaces where they’re in the minority.

For people in those jobs, quitting can be a really hard decision. By the time they quit, they are much more likely to tell their employer why they’re leaving (or their employer already knows), and they are much likelier to leave on bad terms.

How to know when to quit

We couldn’t find any studies or surveys that asked people who’d quit due to harassment how they felt about it afterwards. But based on the people we’ve interviewed and stories we’ve read, it seems like most people don’t regret quitting.

Some people, though, do wish they’d quit sooner.

So we think that, if you’re seriously considering quitting your job because of harassment, you should probably go ahead and do it. The question for you really isn’t whether to quit, it’s how to quit in a way that’s best for your career.

How to quit in a way that protects your career

If you want to quit and it’s easy for you, then you should just do it. Find yourself a new job and get out of the old one. Don’t tell people why you’re quitting, just make up an excuse. That way, you can leave on good terms and nobody will gossip about you.

If your situation is more complicated though, then quitting will be more complicated too.

In that case, here’s our advice.

Try not to quit until you have another job lined up

If you’re afraid for your safety, you might need to just flat-out quit. But if it’s safe to stay, you should try to stick it out until you have a new job. Here’s an article that explains why.

Start job hunting early, before you think you need to

A lot of people don’t start job hunting until they’re already pretty stressed out. So we urge you to start job hunting early, even if you’re not sure yet that you’re going to quit. You don’t want to job hunt in a rush or while you’re super-stressed, because that’ll make it hard for you to find a good job. So the minute you start to even start to think about quitting, that’s when we think you should start looking for a new job.

Be careful what you say about why you’re leaving your current job

It can be tough to know what to say in interviews about why you’re looking for a new job.

Before you accept a new job, evaluate it as though you weren’t being harassed

A lot of times when people job hunt due to sexual harassment, they end up accepting a new job that’s worse than their old one. It pays less, the benefits are worse, or there are just things about it that suit them less well. Before you accept a new job, take some time to consider whether you’d be accepting it if you weren’t being harassed.

Talk with a lawyer before you quit

This is really important. If you’re considering quitting your job due to harassment, your employer might be legally obligated to pay you money if they didn’t do enough to make the harassment stop, or if they punished you for complaining about it. A lawyer can help you figure this out.

Consider whether you want to leave not just your job, but your entire industry

If you work in a high-harassment industry, you might be just as likely to get harassed in your next job as you were in your current one. Once people realize how harassment-heavy their industry is, it’s actually really common for them to decide to completely bail out of it. It’s so common we wrote an entire article about it.

A final note about guilt and shame

When we talked with people and read their stories, we found that lots of people who quit their job to get away from sexual harassment felt guilty about it afterwards. They felt like they should have been “brave,” and “stood up” and “fought back.” They worried that by quitting they were being cowards, and letting down other people.

We understand why people feel that way. But we want to give you a different way to think about it.

The reality is that “standing up” and “fighting back” might not be what’s best for you. There’ve been literally decades of studies and surveys about exactly this. Sometimes reporting works out fine for the person who does it. But more often, the person who reports is the one who ends up getting punished. Researchers have been saying for decades that not reporting is a rational and sensible decision.

So here’s what we want you to know.

There is no “cowardly” way to respond to sexual harassment.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed.

Nobody reasonable thinks you should become a martyr over this. Nobody wants your career, your reputation, and your finances to be ruined.

You have every right to do what’s best for you, and you should feel good about what you do, no matter what it is. 

Any choice you make is a brave and honourable choice.

You’ll want to start by finding out whether you have any agreement with your employer that gives you more than the legal minimum time off.

  • If you’re not unionized, you may have signed an employment contract when you were hired.
  • If you are unionized, the contract is your collective agreement and you should be able to get a copy from your union or find it on their website.

If there’s an agreement, see what it says about time off. You’re looking for phrases like “sick leave” and “stress leave.”

If you can’t find anything saying you’re entitled to more than the legal minimum, the next step is to figure out what the legal minimum is for you.

  • Under B.C. employment law, most workers are entitled to five paid sick days a year.
  • Under Quebec employment law, most workers are entitled to two paid sick days a year.
  • Under P.E.I. employment law, most workers are entitled to one paid sick day per year.
  • Under the Canada Labour Code, federally regulated workers are entitled to three paid sick days per year.
  • Most workers across the country are entitled by law to between three and 12 unpaid sick days per year, depending on where they’re located and how long they have worked for their employer.
  • None of this applies to people who aren’t legally classified as employees, such as self-employed people, migrant workers, and gig economy workers. They aren’t entitled to anything.

You should also check whether your job provides you with any form of disability insurance. According to a 2018 government study, about 42% of Canadian employees have disability insurance. But employers are not legally obligated to provide it, so yours may not.

You should be able to get your benefits information from HR, the union, or your boss. You don’t need to say why you’re asking for it; it’s normal for workers to want to know it.

Decide what to do

Now you know what you’re entitled to, you can decide whether it covers what you need.

If it doesn’t, your employer may be willing to work with you to give you unpaid leave.

If not, there are other ways you can apply for paid or unpaid leave. But we need to warn you: They’re all going to take a lot of work. They’re all very slow. And you may get turned down. That’s the upshot.

Now we’ll dive into the details.

  • You can usually take sick leave any time, as long as you tell your boss beforehand. You can’t be fired, penalized, or threatened for taking or planning to take sick leave.
  • Your employer may require a doctor’s note.
  • Sick or stress leave maximums are pretty short—the average max is about six days total per year.
  • If you have access to short-term disability, it generally runs for up to six months and pays a portion of your salary. How much depends on what type of policy your employer has. To qualify, you’ll need a doctor’s statement that you are unable to return to work. Accessing short-term disability is slow and difficult, and your claim may be turned down.
  • Long-term disability insurance picks up after six months and generally pays 60% to 70% of your former salary. This benefit can extend to retirement age, but only if you are unable to work at any job. Accessing long-term disability insurance will require extensive medical documentation and, again, you may be turned down.
  • If you don’t have access to short-term or long-term disability, you might consider applying for the Employment Insurance sickness benefit, which provides up to 15 weeks of income. To be eligible, you must have paid EI premiums and worked 600 hours in the past 52 weeks. In 2022, EI sickness benefits paid 55% of earnings up to a maximum of $638 a week. You will need medical proof you can’t work, and your claim may be denied.
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