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A “whisper network” is what it’s called when people quietly, privately, warn one another about other people who are dangerous.

A whisper network is different from a report or complaint, because it deliberately avoids people in positions of authority.

You can whisper about somebody and report them, or you can whisper first and report later, or you can do one and not the other. They’re totally separate things.

How whisper networks work

Whisper networks have been around forever. Here’s how they work.

Someone gets harassed. They tell one or more friends. Those people tell other people. Gradually, the harasser gets a reputation and people learn to avoid them.

Some whisper networks are centred around a single workplace. In those, the warnings are usually verbal.

Some are centred around an entire industry. In those, the warnings might be digital. Here are some examples of digital whisper networks:

  • In the U.K., women working in and around parliament made a group chat that they used to warn one another about politicians and other parliamentary workers who had harassed them.
  • In the U.S., women working in journalism made a Google spreadsheet called “Shitty Media Men,” where they shared stories of men working in the media who had harassed them. 
  • Sex workers have been collecting and publishing “bad date” reports for decades, warning one another about violent or dangerous clients. Those reports used to be printed on paper, but now they are usually posted online or shared by email.

The three big problems with whisper networks

Whisper networks don’t reach everybody

To warn somebody, you have to trust them, at least a little. (Because they could tell the harasser or your bosses, and that might get you in trouble.) That means people tend to whisper only with people they already know and trust.

So people who aren’t socially connected are the least likely to be warned. That’s bad, because they are also the people most likely to be harassed.

People left out of whisper networks tend to be:

  • new to the workplace
  • new to the industry
  • younger than everybody else
  • racialized, queer, or have a disability
  • neurodivergent, especially if they have autism
  • not very socially connected
  • not fluent in the majority workplace language

Whisper networks do nothing to make the harasser stop harassing people

They make it possible for some people to avoid harassment. But they don’t stop the harasser from trying to harass people, and they don’t do anything to punish the harasser or remove them from the workplace.

Because of that, a lot of people are critical of whisper networks. But we’re not. Stopping a harasser is not what a whisper network is for. A whisper network is purely for warning people. It doesn’t stop anybody from reporting or taking any other kind of action.

Whisper networks can get you in legal trouble

This is less likely to happen with a verbal network, and more likely to happen with one that leaves an evidence trail, like text messages or social media posts.

If you say someone is a harasser, or did some awful thing, it’s possible that they will sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something about somebody else that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s reputation. It can be something published, which is often called “libel,” or something spoken—in some parts of the country, this is called “slander.”

Being sued for defamation doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen. Defamation lawsuits are getting more common than they used to be because today there is more likely to be a digital trail of the things we say and share.

Read more about defamation in our article about going public.

How to use whisper networks to protect yourself and other people

Here are five tips for making your whisper network work as well as possible.

Recognize a warning when you get one

Sometimes a warning is direct, like this:

“Jacob is a sexual predator. People have been complaining about him for years, but nobody stops him.”

But it’s much more common for them to be indirect, like this:

“Have you met Ryan? You’re gonna want to brace yourself. He’s a very friendly guy.”

Or this:

“I like Dave a lot. But I steer clear of him when he’s been drinking.”

Or this:

“Alain seems really into you. Ha ha. Be careful!”

People will practically never tell you flat out that someone is a harasser.

That’s because they’re afraid they’ll get in trouble. So instead of telling you directly, they will hint.

We’re going to dig into this a little, because some people have trouble recognizing this kind of hinting, and we don’t want you to miss it.

Here’s how to tell if someone is warning you:

  • They’ll probably do it when the two of you are alone together.
  • They probably won’t directly say that the person is a harasser. Instead they may use language that, if you quote them, won’t sound too bad. Like “flirty” or “old school.”
  • They usually won’t give you any facts. (They may know facts, but not tell them to you.) Instead they may say things that are vague and general, like “Kevin has a reputation” or “Everybody knows about Sylvain.”
  • They may talk about how much they like or admire the person they’re warning you about. You can ignore that part. They’re just doing it to protect themselves in case you tell people what they said.
  • Somewhere in what they say, maybe very buried, they will tell you to stay away from a person or group of people. That’s the important part.

A good rule of thumb is that, if someone is taking the time to warn you, then you should take them seriously, even if their tone and manner don’t seem very serious.

Thank the person who warned you

The person who warned you is taking a risk. They’re doing you a favour. You should thank them, so they know you understand what’s happening and won’t report them to the harasser or your boss.

Contribute your own warnings to the network

The more people who participate in a whisper network, the better it works.

People often hesitate to share information with the whisper network because they don’t think what they know is important enough to be worth sharing. But that’s not the right way to think about it. Your little piece of information may not be important. But put together with other pieces, it might be.

Here’s something that happened to someone we know:

At a conference, a man and a woman had drinks together, and then he hit on her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. She told a friend, and that friend told her friends. Once everybody had compared notes, it turned out that the guy had behaved badly with women at conferences several times before. They told the conference organizer. She investigated, kicked the guy out, and banned him from future conferences.

The moral of this story: Don’t hesitate to share information. Harassers want you to be quiet. But you don’t need to be.

Bring new people into the network

This is really important! The bigger the network is, the more it can protect people.

It’s especially important to bring in people who are new to your workplace or industry, who are young, not fluent in the majority workplace language, racialized, queer, disabled, or neurodivergent, and people who are shy, timid, or antisocial.

These are the people most likely to get harassed, and they’re also the ones most likely to be left out of whisper networks. You can fix that, by bringing them in.

Consider shifting from whispering to reporting

If people aren’t reporting sexual harassment at your workplace (or in your industry), there’s probably a very good reason. We’re not here to push you to report if reporting doesn’t feel wise.

But, if someone is getting named as a harasser over and over again, then it’s probably worth considering whether it’s time to formally report.

You shouldn’t pressure other people to report, and you definitely shouldn’t report what happened to someone else without their permission.

But if you’re finding there’s a person in your circles who’s repeatedly harassing people, it’s worth having a conversation inside the network about whether it’s time to report them.

Warning

If you don’t feel safe trying to talk directly with the harasser, don’t do it. Trust your instincts.

The first thing you need to know is that you don’t have to do this.

We’re telling you that because talking directly to the harasser is something lots of people feel pressured or obligated to do. Their employer may pressure them to do it. They may feel like they’re being a coward if they don’t. They may feel like it’s only fair to warn the harasser and give them a chance to change.

But that assumes the person is harassing you by accident, because they’re confused or clueless. Which usually isn’t true.

The truth is, most harassers are doing it on purpose. They don’t care if the harassment bothers you, or they are trying to bother you. That means they’re not likely to stop just because you ask them to.

You still might want to try.

If so, your goal should be to make it clear that their behaviour is surprising and not welcome.

  • It’s okay if the conversation is tense.
  • You don’t need the harasser to agree that their behaviour is wrong.
  • You don’t need to agree about anything.
  • You don’t need to end up friendly.

Scripts that may help you talk with the harasser

Yikes, I am really not a hugger!

Wow, that’s a really personal question!

Hey, that’s a weird joke!

If the person immediately stops—and even better, apologizes—then that’s great and your problem may be solved.

If not, you could try speaking more directly. Like this:

You talk a lot about how I look and it’s making me uncomfortable. I’d like to ask you to stop.

There is a lot of explicit sex talk here and it’s really not my style. I’d appreciate it if you could scale it way back.

The more specific you can be, the better.

You guys make a lot of jokes about me being a woman. It feels aggressive to me, like you’re saying women don’t belong here. I would really like it if you would stop.

When you touch me, it really bothers me. I need you not to do that. I don’t want people at work to touch me like that.

I know I might be the first trans person you’ve worked with. But I need you to stop asking me questions about it. It’s not my job to talk to you about trans stuff.

I find it strange when you give me advice about how to be more masculine. I am happy to talk about other stuff, but I’d like it if we could drop that particular subject.

The truth is, being sexually harassed is very likely going to cost you money.

That sucks and we’re sorry.

What to do if you’ve decided to stay at work

Maybe you’ve decided to just stay at work and try to cope with the harassment.

That might work out fine. But it’s risky, and eventually you may find yourself burnt out and having to quit.

Experts say that, if the harassment is severe enough or goes on long enough, it can wear away at your mental health to the point where you’re unable to work. And the effects creep up on people. It’s not uncommon for someone to think they’re coping fine, and then one day suddenly realize they just can’t go to work anymore.

You don’t want that to happen to you. So, it makes sense to keep an eye on your stress levels. And maybe ask a friend to help you do it too, because they might notice things you don’t.

If you’re taking more sick days, or your doctor has put you on medication for depression or anxiety, or you’re drinking more, for example—and especially if these things have been going on for a while, and are getting worse…it might be time to find a new job—or even a new career—instead of staying where you are.

It’s better to job hunt early, while you’re in good shape, than to wait too long and do it when you’re seriously stressed and unhappy.

What to do if you’ve decided to report the harassment

When people report sexual harassment, it’s really common for them to get punished, including financially. You could get fired, you could lose shifts or clients or customers, or lose new opportunities.

Here are some things you can do that might help make that less likely:

  • Before you report, try to build up as much goodwill as you can with your employer and other people at your workplace.
  • You might feel the instinct to withdraw socially from people at your work. Don’t do it! You haven’t done anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of, and having solid work relationships can protect you against being judged or punished after you report.
  • When you report, make it clear to your employer that you like your job and your employer, and your goal in reporting is to alert them to a safety issue so they can fix it. Try to make it clear that it’s you and your employer against the harassment, not you against your employer.
  • Make it clear to your employer that, under the law, you are not supposed to suffer financially because of harassment. So if somebody is going to lose money (from fewer shifts or assignments that pay less well) it should be the harasser, not you. Sometimes employers don’t know this, so it can help if you tell them.
  • It’s not your responsibility to figure out how to keep yourself safe from the harasser. That’s your employer’s job. But if you can think of ways your employer can do it, you should tell them. If you can help solve the problem, they may be less likely to punish you.
  • If other people are being harassed, try to persuade them to report as well. That way your employer is less likely to single you out and decide you’re the problem.
  • If there are witnesses to what’s happened, try to persuade them to come forward—or, even better, to report what’s happening themselves, instead of you doing it. Employers sometimes take a complaint more seriously if it comes from someone other than the person who’s being harassed. 
  • After you report, try to refocus yourself and your employer on your own career goals. (Like, you can ask for training, or ask them to help you figure out how you can advance inside the company.) The goal here is to help your employer imagine you as someone who’s going to have a long career with them, rather than them thinking of you as someone who’s unhappy and likely to leave.
  • Do the same thing with your co-workers and inside your professional network. Talk openly about your work and work goals with other people. That will help them see you less as a harassment victim and more as someone who cares about the work.

What to do if you’ve decided to quit your job, or think you might get fired

Eventually, lots of people end up needing or wanting to get a new job—either to get away from the harassment, or because complaining about it has resulted in getting their punished. But if you wait too long, you might end up needing to job hunt urgently, which might mean you need to take a job you don’t really want. It makes sense to start job hunting early.

When you’re thinking about a new job, here are some things to consider:

  • Is it less likely you’ll be harassed at the new job?
  • Are the pay and benefits as good as (or better than) the job you’re leaving?
  • Does the new job suit you? The location, the hours, the opportunities?
  • If you’re asked why you’re leaving your current job, what will you say?
  • Will your boss at your current job give you a good reference? If not, will a co-worker?

Before you quit your job, talk with a lawyer

This is really important.

If you decide you need to quit your job due to the harassment, or if you get fired after complaining about harassment, we urge you to talk with a lawyer.

A lawyer can help you figure out if there’s a way to make your employer pay you for any costs the harassment created for you, as well as for the hassle and stress. A couple of hundred dollars for a consultation might turn out to be a very smart financial investment.

The most important advice we’re going to give you

If you’ve been harassed, it’s pretty likely you’ll be harassed again.

There are certain kinds of people who face a higher-than-average risk of harassment, and if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of those people.

If you’re a woman. If you’re under 40. If you’re Indigenous or racialized or queer or disabled. If you’re an immigrant or a refugee. If you don’t speak the dominant language where you live. If you work in a majority-male environment. If you’re not very social. If you’re poor.

The more of those boxes you tick, the higher the risk that you’ll be harassed.

If your risk is high, it’s pretty likely that you will suffer financially from harassment over the course of your working life, maybe many times.

And that means you need to be careful about money. Maybe other people can afford to be sloppy about it. You are not one of those people.

Sexual harassment can hurt your mental health in lots of ways:

  • It can make you afraid to go to work.
  • It can make you tense or jumpy or anxious, worrying about what will happen next.
  • It can affect your sleep, appetite, or ability to enjoy other activities.
  • It can take up a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it stop.
  • It can distract you from your work or other priorities. That can make you worry about your performance on the job or other responsibilities.
  • It can make you irritable and short-tempered, which can cause problems in your relationships.
  • It can make it harder to feel connected to loved ones or feel understood by others.

One of the biggest ways harassment can harm your mental health is how it can make you (incorrectly!) blame yourself for being harassed.

It’s really common for people to blame themselves. It’s really common for them to feel shame and guilt. Or to feel like it’s proof that they’re a bad person.

This can lead to serious mental health issues.

So we want to say to you very clearly: This is not your fault. Really try to understand and believe that, because it’s important for your mental well-being.

You’re going to be making some decisions about how to handle the harassment, and we want you to understand how those decisions may affect your mental health, as well.

How staying at work may affect your mental health

Many people, when they’re harassed at work, decide to stay in their job and try to cope. Here is what that can look like.

Often, people don’t tell anybody they’re being harassed, except maybe a close friend or family member. They might quietly take steps to try to keep themself safe. Maybe they talk directly to the harasser to try to make them stop. Maybe they join a whisper network. Maybe they try to just put their head down and focus on their work.

This can work okay. But your body and mind are going to need reassurance that you have removed the threat before they can start to feel safer and less stressed. This is very difficult to do if you were sexually harassed at work and continue to return there.

Also, if the harassment continues, it will go on hurting your sense of safety and well-being. That means more stress on top of other life stressors you might be already experiencing. This can start feeling unsustainable.

Even if the harassment stops, returning to the space where you were harassed can bring up uncomfortable feelings. This is especially true if the harassment took place over a long period of time or was severe.

The result is that many people who stay at work end up feeling burned out.

For some people staying at work turns out fine. But if that’s what you choose to do, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on your mental health to make sure that, if you start to show signs of trauma or burnout, you recognize it and find ways to get the support you need.

Later in this article we’ll tell you some things to look out for. Please try to monitor the state of your mental health. It’s important. Your mental health is worth protecting.

How quitting your job may affect your mental health

Quitting your job might not make sense for you for financial reasons or career reasons. It’s also totally unfair. Why should you have to quit because someone decided to harass you?

But leaving an unsafe situation can be a really good way to protect your mental health, especially if it doesn’t seem like the harassment will end. That doesn’t mean it makes sense for everyone. But if you can quit, it’s worth considering.

If you do quit, you might think that all the stress the harassment is causing you will immediately disappear. But that’s not really what happens. Even after the original source of the stress is gone, its effects can take a longer time to go away.

It’s important to know that leaving your job may also lead you to other stressful situations, like unemployment, underemployment, taking a demotion, or taking a job somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise choose to work. All of these situations can bring their own challenges and lead to you questioning your decision to change jobs.

Still, it’s often best for your mental health to get yourself out of an unsafe environment. It’s only once we’re in a safe space that we can really start to recover from what we’ve gone through. For more about quitting your job, see How to decide whether to quit your job—and how to make that work.

How reporting may affect your mental health

If you have a great employer and supportive co-workers, it’s possible that reporting might go well for you. But unfortunately for many people, the experience of reporting sexual harassment to their employer can be really, really bad for their mental health.

It adds a layer of trauma or distress on top of the pain you already experienced from the sexual harassment.

One thing that’s really common when you report sexual harassment is that people react by sympathizing with the harasser. They may assume you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened.

This happens because it can be easier for people to believe that someone is lying or exaggerating than having to acknowledge that something awful—like sexual harassment—is happening. This isn’t right or fair to you, but is sadly a common bias of many people like employers, supervisors, and co-workers.

Reporting is completely your choice. If you want to report, we support you. But we want you to know about the possible unfair consequences, and how they can make things harder for your mental and physical health. We want you to be prepared.

So here’s what you need to know.

If you report, people at work may treat you coldly, gossip about you, or judge you. They may sympathize with the harasser or believe you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened. Your boss may avoid you, or be stiff or formal with you. They may reduce your hours, make changes to your job that you don’t want or need, or stop treating you well. The harasser may try to sabotage your ability to do your job or try to turn others against you.

If you get involved with a legal process, that can be even more traumatizing.

You may have to describe your experience over and over again, including with people who you don’t know. People in positions of authority may act like they don’t believe you, or like what happened to you was no big deal. It is sadly far too common to not get the outcome you’re seeking, and that can leave you feeling betrayed. Like the system that’s supposed to protect you has completely let you down.

None of this is fair. All of this can be bad for your mental health. It can increase your likelihood of developing PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

Reporting still might be the right decision for you. But we want you to understand the risks involved so you can prepare for them.

How not reporting may affect your mental health

Some people make the choice to not report sexual harassment out of fear for their safety or well-being, or because of the possible consequences for their career or other aspects of their life.

But not reporting carries some risks, too.

If you decide not to report, you may feel judged by people who want or expect you to make a report. You may feel pressured to speak up when you don’t feel it is safe or what’s best for you. You may feel guilty, not only for yourself but for others who have experienced sexual harassment in the past or could potentially experience it in the future.

Sometimes people say or imply that choosing to not report means you are disappointing or betraying your gender, your race, your sexuality, or other groups that you are a part of. This can lead to feelings of embarrassment, shame, not belonging, self-blame, or guilt. It can also leave you feeling misunderstood and alone.

We want to be clear: No one other than you can or should make this choice for you.

You are not responsible for shouldering the burden of reporting what happened. If the person who harassed you goes on to harass other people in the future, that is entirely the fault of the person who is doing the harassment.

We encourage you to prioritize what is best for you. Whether or not to report is a completely personal decision, and one that you have every right to make for yourself.

If possible, it can be helpful to talk to other people who understand you and who won’t put pressure on you, and who respect that this is your choice.

How to tell if your mental health is suffering

Everybody reacts differently to stress, and so there are many signs that can mean your mental health is suffering. Here are some that may help you recognize if that’s happening to you:

  • You’re feeling lonely and vulnerable.
  • You’re more irritable and short-tempered than usual.
  • You’re blaming yourself, feeling like you’re a bad person, feeling guilt or shame.
  • You’re exhausted.
  • You’re sleeping more, or less, than you normally do.
  • You’re eating more, or less, than you normally do.
  • You’re drinking more alcohol, or using more drugs, than you normally do.
  • You’re finding yourself withdrawing from your friends and family.
  • You’re scared to be alone.
  • You aren’t enjoying things you used to find pleasurable.
  • You’re having headaches, muscle pain, nausea, gastrointestinal problems or other physical symptoms of stress.
  • You’re feeling a desire to self-harm.
  • You’re thinking about ending your life.
  • You’re feeling hopeless about the future

If at any point you’re wondering if dying would somehow be a resolution to all the suffering you’re going through, it is very important to seek help. Please call a helpline, talk to your family doctor, or go to your nearest hospital. Try to remember that how you are feeling right now will change. The most important thing is for you to stay safe long enough to give yourself the time to start feeling better. Helplines, hospitals, and other professionals—along with family, friends, and other loved ones—can help support you until that happens.

The first thing you need to know is that self-blame is really common. And it can be confusing. Because even when we know rationally that the harassment wasn’t our fault, emotionally we can still feel like it was.

If you’re experiencing self-blame, here are things you might be thinking:

  • It’s my fault it happened.
  • I must have said or done something to give them the impression I would be okay with this.
  • There’s something wrong with me, because they picked me.
  • People can tell there’s something about me that makes it safe to harass me.
  • This is my fault, because it’s happened to me before.
  • I should have known better.
  • If I hadn’t (stayed late/laughed at their jokes/worn that outfit) none of this would have happened.

These thoughts might make you feel embarrassed, guilty, upset with yourself, or ashamed. But we want to be clear that you did not deserve to be sexually harassed. This is true regardless of what you wear, how you look, how much money you make, where you work, what you do, or anything else.

You did not deserve what happened to you. It was not your fault.

Even so, sometimes we do blame ourselves. To move past that, it can help to understand why we’re doing it.

It’s not your fault

It’s common to wonder what it was about you that caused the sexual harassment.

The truth is the person who harassed you was most likely going to harass somebody. It’s very rare for someone to only sexually harass one person, one time. The person probably harassed other people before you, and they will probably harass more people in the future.

It’s really important to know there’s nothing specific about you that makes you deserving of harassment.

Sexual harassment is incredibly common, and all kinds of people get harassed. Younger people and older people. People who dress modestly and people who don’t. People who are conventionally attractive and people who aren’t. People who are religious and people who aren’t. People who behave the way society expects them to and people who don’t.

Seriously: It’s not about you. It’s not about who you are or what you’ve done.

That’s easy to say, but for a lot of us, it can take a while to truly accept it. Keep reading to understand some more reasons why we struggle with blaming ourselves.

You can’t control other people

After a harmful experience, your brain looks for ways to prevent it from happening again. Even when it’s something you can’t control, like what someone else does, your brain looks for ways you can protect yourself.

Subconsciously, you might be thinking: “If I can figure out what I did to cause this, then I can avoid doing that so this awful thing won’t happen again.”

Imagine if you tripped and hurt yourself. You might go over what you were doing before that. Say, you realize that you were running or not looking where you were going and that’s what led to you falling down. So in the future, you slow down and look more carefully to keep from tripping again.

But things aren’t always in your control. Being sexually harassed is less like you were running and tripped and more like someone pushed you. Replaying everything you did or didn’t do doesn’t actually help you to prevent it from happening again.

It wasn’t something you did

Maybe you dated the person, flirted with them, or had sex with them before. Maybe you knew or suspected that they had a history of being inappropriate with others. Maybe you’ve always looked up to this person, considered them a friend, a mentor, or someone who’s helped you a lot in the past. Maybe it’s happened more than once.

Maybe when it happened you didn’t know how to react so you didn’t say anything. Maybe after it happened you acted overly nice to the person or reassured them it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe the person isn’t the kind of person we think a harasser is: they’re someone really respected in society or more attractive than you or physically smaller or female. So you or others have a hard time believing that person could hurt you. Maybe you really like the person for other reasons and feel torn about seeing them as someone who’s hurt you.

It’s important to know that it’s not unusual if your situation feels more complicated—in fact, that’s the more common situation. The majority of sexual harassment cases involve some kind of complication.

Often the person who sexually harassed you uses those complications to confuse you, to deny it happened, or to convince themselves or others that what they did was okay.

But the truth is they harassed you.

Why people sometimes don’t believe you

It’s possible that, after you experience sexual harassment, someone you tell minimizes, dismisses, or flat-out doesn’t believe you when you tell them what happened.

The person you tell may ask you what you did, what you wore, or how you responded, implying that this was somehow because of you. That makes it even harder to not feel responsible.

Why do people question you or not believe you? There can be lots of reasons.

  • They may be surprised or in shock.
  • They may be unable to believe that you could be hurt.
  • They may be unable to think that someone they trust or respect would harass another person.
  • They may want to protect the person who harassed you or the company where you work.
  • They may have an idea of what counts (and what doesn’t count) as sexual harassment. Like, they may assume it can only happen if the person is physically violent.
  • They may think you must have done something to cause or deserve it.

We are slowly getting better at changing those reactions, but there’s still a strong assumption that somehow sexual harassment is avoidable.

If A Robbery Report Was Treated Like A Rape Report, Cynthia Kao

What can help

  • It can be helpful to realize why our brain replays over (and over and over) why we think it was our fault. Remember that, even if your brain is able to identify something you could have done differently, that’s not the same thing as you being the one who caused the harassment.
  • Remember that, at the time, you might not have known everything that you now know. Even if there are certain things you would change now, at the time you likely didn’t have all the information to know what to do or what not to do.
  • Ask yourself: “How would I feel if a close friend was in my situation instead of me?” Would you place the same level of blame on them? Or would you feel more patient or protective? Many people find it easier to be understanding with a friend than they are with themselves. For the same reasons you wouldn’t blame a friend after they were sexually harassed, you also don’t deserve that blame.
  • Remember that the harassment doesn’t define you or your self-worth. This is something that happened to you. This is something that can have a big impact on you. But this was not because of you. The sexual harassment is entirely because of the person who harassed you.
  • Talk to someone who is understanding and supportive. Explain to them how asking certain questions may make you feel blamed and clarify how they can better support you. A lot of the time, we just need someone who will listen and make an effort to understand. If it’s hard to find someone in your life who can do this, consider speaking to a counsellor, therapist, or health care worker who has experience in working with people around sexual harassment. If it’s difficult to access professional help, consider calling a helpline.
Important

Sometimes it can be triggering to read about anxiety. Please pay attention to how you’re feeling as you read this, and take a break if you feel you need to.

Sexual harassment is inherently scary, and feeling afraid or anxious is totally understandable.

Some of the things you may be worrying about:

  • Is the harassment going to get worse?
  • What if they won’t stop?
  • What if they hurt me again?
  • If I report it will this only get worse?
  • What’s going to happen to my career if other people find out?
  • Should I report it?
  • Should I try to talk to the harasser, to try to get them to stop?
  • If I manage to stop them, will they take it out on someone else?
  • Did I do something to cause this?
  • What if no one believes me?
  • What if this somehow gets turned against me and I get in trouble?
  • Will I get fired?
  • If I say something to HR and nothing happens, how will I be able to keep working here?

That fear can be self-protective, as it is alerting you to possible threats and trying to keep you safe. Anxiety can affect your sleep, appetite, memory, ability to focus, and overall mood. If you’re feeling really anxious and stressed, you may also start to feel more impatient, irritable, or confused, or have difficulty enjoying things that usually make you happy.

When you’re feeling anxious, you might find it hard to bring a typical level of focus to your work or personal life. You might be making mistakes in a way that’s unusual for you. This can compound the anxiety and lead to an increase in overall stress.

Anxiety can show up in thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical symptoms.

Thoughts: It can be a state of thinking, like thoughts that replay over and over again, or worries—a lot of “what ifs” like the ones above.

Emotions: It can be a feeling you experience that is similar to feeling scared, afraid, tense, or uneasy.

Behaviours: It can make you pace, double-check on things, bite your nails, avoid situations that feel scary, or seek reassurance from others.

Physical symptoms: It can cause physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, trouble breathing, and nausea.

What are panic attacks

  • Panic attacks can be confusing, especially if you haven’t experienced them before. They can occur in your body even at times when you are not “feeling” anxious or having anxious thoughts.
  • It’s easy to mistake panic attacks for heart attacks or other health issues. If you are unsure what is happening, please seek medical advice. Once you’ve been able to rule out other possible concerns, it can be helpful to recognize that you’re having a panic attack and remind yourself that you are safe and okay.
  • The physical symptoms of panic attacks are very real. What you are experiencing is real. But a panic attack is not physically harmful. You cannot die from a panic attack. Tell yourself that, despite how it feels, you will be okay and the panic will go away eventually. Think of your panic attack as a false alarm.
  • You can read more about panic attacks in this article from Anxiety Canada.

What can help

  • It’s important to know that anxiety is treatable. People with anxiety disorders can feel better, most often from the support of health care professionals.
  • Anxiety and fear happen when we feel unsafe. If you’re able to take steps toward safety, you may notice less anxiety as your mind and body adjust to no longer being in as much danger. However, even when you are safe, you may continue to feel on high alert. It can be helpful to remind yourself when you are in a safe environment by saying things like, “I’m safe now.”
  • Often during this time it can be hard to prioritize taking care of ourselves; but while these strategies don’t solve the issue, they can make a difference to our ability to handle the sources of stress. It can be really difficult or even feel impossible to take care of yourself when you’re struggling. Exercise, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, trying to sleep, and spending time with loved ones can all help us to cope better. If this is hard for you right now, we get it. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Instead, pay attention to what you are already doing well, even if it’s something small. You Feel Like Shit is a game that gives tips for self-care. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow Tiny Care Bot for self-care reminders.
  • When feeling anxious, it is common for people to start doing things like drinking or eating more, shopping more, or spending more time watching TV, on social media, or playing video games. If this sounds like you, be patient with yourself and understanding about why you may be seeking distraction. There’s no benefit to judging yourself. If these behaviours are starting to have a significant impact on your health, relationships, finances, etc., be honest with yourself and seek help. Connect with a professional—a therapist, a helpline—or consider small steps you can take to reduce the harms you are experiencing.
Important

If you continue to feel anxious or afraid, consider talking with a professional. A helpline can assist, or your family doctor, or a therapist who’s trained to support people who have experienced work stress, sexual harassment, and/or sexual assault.

Another thing that can be very helpful is to find ways to change your perspective. Anxiety Canada may have some useful resources for you.

We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There are dozens of laws in Canada created to protect people against sexual harassment. Each one is different.

After reading this article, you won’t know for sure if the law in Canada would say you’ve been sexually harassed. But here’s what we can tell you:

If you’re being sexually harassed at work, there are two main types of law in Canada that apply to you.

  1. employment and labour laws, designed to protect workers
  2. human rights laws, designed to protect everybody

Those laws are all intended to protect against harassment on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression.

And as they interpret the laws, judges generally ask the same types of questions.

Did the harassment happen on the basis of your sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression?

Sexual harassment laws in Canada prohibit harassment on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of sex:

A group of men in a bar sexually harass their server by commenting on her looks and repeatedly propositioning her.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of sexual orientation:

A man sexually harasses another man by making fun of him for being gay.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of gender identity:

A group of men sexually harass a trans woman by asking her questions about her gender and using anti-trans slurs.

Example of sexual harassment on the basis of gender expression:

A supervisor sexually harasses a female employee by telling her to wear skirts and heels.

If the harassment was based on your sex, your sexual orientation, your gender identity, or your gender expression, that means it qualifies as “sexual.”

Was the behaviour unwelcome?

Here’s a simple test:

  • Did the behaviour make you unhappy?
  • Did you dislike it and wish it would stop?
  • Did it make you feel offended or demeaned?
  • Did you find it shocking or vulgar?
  • Did you feel like you were being abused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, that would suggest to a judge that what you experienced was harassment.

Would a “reasonable person” find this behaviour unacceptable?

Even if you answered yes to the questions above, a judge wants to know whether a so-called reasonable or average person would feel the same way.

For example, a typical reasonable person might think that a co-worker asking someone out on a date is okay, but a co-worker texting someone pornographic images is not. A judge might then rule that “texting pornographic images” is harassment, but asking someone out once is not. Even if both those things felt like harassment to you, the “reasonable person” standard would suggest to a judge that they’re not the same.

Sometimes this question is what a “reasonable person,” a “reasonable woman,” a “reasonable gay man,” or some other kind of person might think. Its purpose is always the same: to ask whether somebody reasonable, experiencing a particular kind of behaviour, would consider it to be harassment.

Did the bad behaviour happen only once or more often?

Normally, to count as sexual harassment, the behaviour has to happen more than once. But if it was really bad—like if your boss literally told you he would fire you if you didn’t have sex with him—once might be enough for it to count under the law.

That’s how the laws work in general.

To know which laws apply to you, you need to know whether you work in an industry that’s provincially regulated or federally regulated.

Read Am I a federally regulated worker? (And why it matters)

You didn’t ask to be sexually harassed. It’s not like you have a plan for this.

So the experts say that, before you do anything else, it’s a good idea to take some time to gather information. That should help you decide what to do next.

Here’s what you’re trying to figure out.

Does your work seem like the kind of place that tolerates harassment?

There’s no way to know for sure. But here are some questions you can ask yourself:

  • Is your workplace aggressive and competitive?
  • Is leadership mostly male?
  • Do some people at your work have a lot of power and others very little?
  • Do people talk and joke about sex a lot?
  • Do people openly make fun of other people?
  • Are people openly racist or sexist?
  • Have you ever seen anyone treated badly and nobody stopped it?
  • Is there anybody who everybody knows harasses people but nobody has stopped them?

Those are all bad signs. If they describe your workplace, that would suggest your it may tolerate sexual harassment.

Here are some more questions:

  • Does your workplace seem like it cares about fairness?
  • Does your boss seem to care about you as a person?
  • Is there an HR department?
  • Have you ever had sexual harassment training at work?
  • Is there a sexual harassment policy that’s easily available to you?
  • Is your workplace pretty balanced in terms of gender?
  • Are there women, queer people, and racialized people in leadership positions?
  • Would you be able to report to someone who is not a man?
  • Do you know and trust the person you’d be reporting to?
  • When people at your work behave badly, does anybody stop them?
  • Does your workplace seem like it respects the people who work there?
  • Does it seem like it cares about them as people?

If any of those describe your workplace, that’s good. It suggests your employer may take sexual harassment seriously.

Why does this matter? Because employers vary a lot. Some are great and will quickly take steps to solve the problem. Some are awful and will punish you for even bringing it up. (That’s against the law, but it happens anyway.) It’s worth spending a little time thinking about your employer and how likely they are to handle this problem well.

Are there co-workers you can talk with?

Talking with co-workers can be really helpful, or it can cause you serious problems. It depends on the co-worker.

A good co-worker will believe you and support you. They might give you useful information and advice. They might be able to protect you from the person who’s harassing you, or help you persuade your bosses to take the harassment seriously.

A bad co-worker may judge you and gossip about you.

Before you talk with any co-workers, it’s worth taking some time to figure out who seems trustworthy.

Are there people with power at your work you might be able to trust?

Think about the people with power at your workplace:

  • your own supervisor
  • your supervisor’s boss, if they have one
  • people in HR or scheduling
  • anybody who has been working there for a long time 
  • anybody other people seem to take seriously
  • anybody in a position of authority, even if they’re in another department or division
  • your union rep, if you’re a union member, or someone else at your union, like a “women’s trustee” or a “human rights officer”
  • anyone with responsibility for worker health and safety

What do you think about those people? Is there anyone who seems especially thoughtful or kind? Is there anyone you’ve ever seen defend someone weaker than they are, or step in to stop bad behaviour?

Why does this matter? Because later you might want to talk to someone with power and get their advice or help. It’s worth thinking now about who you might pick.

Is there a sexual harassment policy, and if so what does it say?

Some employers have a sexual harassment policy and some don’t. Large employers usually do.

If yours does, it might be posted on a wall, or on the company intranet if there is one. Sometimes it will be part of an employee handbook or an HR manual. The name of the policy might not include the words “sexual harassment.” If you can’t find anything with that title, look for phrases like “workplace harassment,” “workplace violence,” “sexual violence,” “respect in the workplace,” “code of conduct,” or “code of practice.”

If you can’t find anything yourself, you might be able to get a copy from your union rep or HR rep, if you have one. You might want to be careful about how you ask. Consider asking for the employee handbook or policy book, and maybe avoid saying why you want it, if your gut feeling is it might be dangerous to say why.

If you’re a union member, your collective agreement might also have information about sexual harassment. You can ask your union rep for a copy.

Why should you do this?If your employer has a detailed policy, it’s good for you to know what it says. If they don’t, that’s useful information too. At this point, you’re just gathering  information, and the more you have, the better.

What other supports might be available to you?

This is a good time to start figuring out what other supports might be available to you.

Important

Below, we’re going to give links to some specific organizations. We’re not endorsing them or their work, and we’re not saying they’ll be able to help you. They’re just examples of the kinds of supports that might be available. You should do your own research to find organizations and associations that might fit your situation.

Why does this matter? Experts say that, at this point, you should be looking around to see where you might find help if you need it. You might not want to reach out to these people and groups now, but you may want to later.

That’s it!

You’ve done a lot now. You’ve assessed your workplace, figured out who there you might be able to trust, figured out whether there’s a policy that might protect you, and identified some of the other supports that might be available to you later if you need them.

That’s great. Now you’re in a better position to figure out what you want to do.

Most people who are being sexually harassed don’t report the harassment to their employer, because they don’t want a formal investigation. It’s really common for people to feel like the harassment isn’t serious enough to be worth reporting, or to worry that an investigation will make things worse for them, not better.

If you do want a formal investigation, read about how to make an official report to your employer.

If you don’t want a formal investigation, you’ll need to be careful.

Why? Because some workplaces are subject to laws or internal policies that require an investigation whenever that workplace has any reason to believe somebody might be being sexually harassed. In those workplaces, if you talk with your supervisor or HR about sexual harassment, they may have to start an investigation even if you don’t want them to, and even if they don’t want to.

If you think your workplace might be like that and you don’t want to trigger a formal investigation, here are some scripts for how you might be able to talk with your employer without triggering anything formal. But we need to warn you: these scripts may not work. Any time you raise the issue of sexual harassment with somebody at work, it’s possible an investigation may get triggered, even if nobody wants one.

That said, here are some scripts you might try:

I want to talk with you confidentially about a problem I’m having here at work with another person. But before I can do that, I would need you to promise me that this would be confidential. I don’t want HR involved or anything like that. Can you promise me we can keep it between us?

Let’s say, hypothetically, there’s a trans person in this office, and one of their co-workers finds out their old name and won’t stop using it. If that happened, and the trans person reported it to their supervisor, would the supervisor have to launch an official harassment investigation, or do you think they could just talk to the co-worker and tell them to use the trans person’s correct name?

I wanted to talk with you because I trust you. I’m having a problem here at work, with another person. I thought it would go away but it isn’t. I don’t want to name names right now. But I am looking for advice. Can I speak with you confidentially?

If you don’t care whether you trigger an investigation, or if you feel pretty confident that you won’t, then you could try these kinds of scripts:

I don’t know if you know this but the new co-owner has been coming into the bar most nights. He’s been getting pretty drunk, and when that happens, he gets flirty with me and the other women. Can you talk to him and get this shut down before it gets any worse?

I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable about the guys in the warehouse. There’s always been a lot of teasing and joking, and lately I’ve been feeling like it’s crossing a line. The other day one guy used an anti-gay slur in front of me. I don’t want to get anybody in trouble and I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m ratting them out. But I’m worried this is getting worse. Can I ask you to step in and see if you can get them to take it down a notch?

You know Ernie, the client I’ve been helping with his foot care? Last time I was there he was pawing at me. I’m not sure if he really knows what he’s doing, because of his dementia. But still, it was scary, because we’re alone and he’s pretty strong. Do you think you could assign him to someone else, maybe a man, instead of me?

In our office, there’s a lot of sexual banter. People use crass language loudly in the common areas, there are a lot of sex jokes, and stuff like that. It’s not directed at me; in fact I think they try to tone it down around me because they can tell it makes me uncomfortable. But still, it happens every day. I find it distracting and I think it’s inappropriate at work. Do you think you could talk to people and ask them to cut it out? I don’t want anyone to get in trouble. I would just really like it if they would stop.

Our client Dan is being kind of awful. He keeps talking about how ‘cute’ and ‘fun’ I am, and complimenting me on what I’m wearing. Yesterday he heard I’m getting married, and he made a whole thing out of how sad he was. I’m starting to get creeped out. I feel like it could be risky for me to try to address this myself, because I’m so junior and he’s an important client. I would really like to be moved to a different file. Do you think we could do that?

I work at night with Ben. This is weird, but when we pass each other in the halls at night, he always pretends to punch me in the groin. He’s laughing and he obviously means it as a joke. But I don’t find it funny. Every time he does it, I ask him to stop, but he keeps doing it. Do you think you could tell him he really does need to stop?

You know I’m trans. Erin found out my old name, the one I had before I transitioned, and now she keeps calling me by it. I’ve asked her to stop, but she keeps using it, and she says it shouldn’t bother me because she’s not trying to be offensive. But it does bother me and it is offensive. Can you talk to her and make her stop?

In talking with your employer, try to be clear about what you want. If you want them to talk directly with the harasser, you can tell them that. If you would rather they handle it some other way, tell them that. Your employer may not be able to handle the harassment the way you want them to, but in a good scenario they will try.

When you get sexually harassed at work, you have three basic options. You can:

  1. stay at work and try to cope, without reporting the harassment
  2. stay at work and formally report the harassment to someone in a position of authority
  3. quit your job

Each of those choices will affect you financially. 

In this article, we’ll go through them one by one.

What happens if you decide to stay at work and try to cope

We’ll start with the choice that’s the most common. Most people, at least at first, decide to stay at work and try to cope with the harassment.

From a purely financial perspective this is your best bet, because it means things stay pretty much the same money-wise.

You might find yourself needing to spend extra money to keep yourself safe. (Like, taking a taxi instead of the bus, or buying a safety app for your phone.) Or you might find yourself giving up some of your ability to earn money. (Like, to avoid the harasser, you might need to drop certain shifts or certain customers.)

But, in general, if you stay with your current job, things probably won’t change much from a financial perspective.

At least, not at first.

We need to warn you, though. Researchers say that if you get sexually harassed over a long period of time—whether it’s by one person or lots of different people—it will start to grind away at your mental health. And that can end up costing you money.

  • You might end up needing to take unpaid sick days or go on a stress leave. Maybe you end up spending lots of money on things to make yourself feel better. Maybe you end up needing to see a therapist, or pay for medication.
  • As the stress piles up, you might find yourself doing less well at your job, which can also cost you money. You might not get promoted, or get a raise. In a really bad scenario, you could get fired.
  • If the harassment goes on long enough, some people find themselves waking up one day just completely unable to go into work. They are so stressed and so burned out they are just done. They thought they were doing okay until one day they just…weren’t.

Staying at work and trying to cope can turn out okay. But you may be affected financially, and, if the harassment is bad enough, you could end up unable to work.

What happens if you decide to formally report the harassment

Reporting sexual harassment is risky.

If you have a good employer, they will handle your report fine, and you shouldn’t suffer any financial consequences.

But for most people, it’s not like that.

When people complain about being harassed, it’s common for their employer to end up punishing them for it, and that punishment is often financial. You get fewer shifts, fewer hours, fewer assignments. You get demoted, or denied a raise or promotion that you should have gotten. In a worst-case scenario, you get fired.

And it’s not just your employer who can cause you financial harm. Your co-workers and broader professional network can cost you money, too.

That’s because when people hear that someone has complained about being sexually harassed—whether that person is a co-worker, a professional acquaintance, or a boss at another company—it’s unfortunately common for them to decide the person who reported is a troublemaker and a drama queen.

That can cost you money because normally we rely on other people to help us make money. Other people tell us about opportunities, tell us how to get promoted or get a raise, and recommend us for jobs. If that stops happening, our finances are going to suffer.

So reporting harassment is financially risky. It might work out okay, but if people decide you’re a troublemaker, that might cost you money.

What happens if you decide to quit your job

Quitting your job might seem like the best financial decision you could make. You get to leave on your terms and your own timeline, which means there’s no gap in your pay. And you get away from the whole problem and all the risk it creates.

But most people who quit their job to get away from sexual harassment? They end up making less at their next job.

When women leave a job due to sexual harassment, research indicates that they often move to a job of lower quality or with lower pay. This impacts women’s short- and long-term economic security as they earn less and ultimately retire with less income.

Deborah J. Vagins and Mary Gatta, American Association of University Women
“Limiting Our Livelihoods: The Cumulative Impact of Sexual Harassment on Women’s Careers.”

One study found that four out of five people who were sexually harassed had a different job two years later. The researchers interviewed those people, and here are some of the stories they found:

  • A flight attendant ended up taking a job at a hospital. Her pay dropped 50%.
  • A patient-care worker took a different job doing the same kind of work. Her pay dropped 9%.
  • A nurse took a different nursing job. Her pay dropped 40%.
  • An administrative assistant took a job at a call centre. Her pay dropped 52%.
  • An apprentice in the construction industry took a job as a bus driver. Her pay dropped 29%.
  • A shift leader at a fast-food restaurant took a job at a different fast-food restaurant. Her pay dropped 11%.

Those people weren’t just getting paid less; their new jobs were also financially worse in other ways. They were less likely to offer a pension. Benefits were worse. There was less vacation time.

Why do people end up in worse-paying jobs?

  • When a person has been harassed, it can be hard for them to explain why they left (or are leaving) their last job.
  • They might end up leaving without a good reference.
  • They might be seeking a job where they’re less likely to get harassed again, which might involve accepting lower-paid work.
  • They might not be at their best mentally or emotionally while they’re job hunting.

People are especially likely to take a big pay cut if they’re currently working in a majority-male environment, like mining and gas, construction, policing, the military, science, engineering, or technology.

Why? Because majority-male environments generally pay a lot more than industries that don’t have a lot of men. Researchers call this a “wage premium.”

When people leave a majority-male workplace due to harassment, they’ll often decide to seek out a workplace that doesn’t include a lot of men, so they can avoid being harassed again.

That’s how people can end up with a big pay cut. They are giving up the “wage premium” of a majority-male industry in exchange for lowering their risk of getting harassed.

Let’s recap.

  • If you stay at work and try to cope, your costs might be pretty small. But in a worst-case scenario, you could end up getting so stressed out that you’re unable to work at all.
  • If you formally report, your costs could be zero. But if you get tagged as a troublemaker, your career—and therefore also your finances—could really suffer.
  • If you quit your job, your costs could be zero. But it’s fairly likely your next job will pay less, and—especially if you currently work in a majority-male environment—maybe a lot less.

We looked for Canadian information on the lifetime costs of sexual harassment, but couldn’t find any. But we did find U.S. data.

A 2021 report from the U.S. Institute for Women’s Policy Research and the Time’s Up Foundation says that, for a low-paid service-sector worker who changes their job due to sexual harassment, the lifetime costs of being sexually harassed will be about $160,000. For an apprentice in a majority-male trade environment, the lifetime cost might be as high as $1.7 million.

That’s serious money. You shouldn’t have to lose it. It’s not fair.

But now that you know what sexual harassment can cost you, you can take steps to protect yourself.

Important

This is just general information, not legal advice. If you need legal advice about your specific situation, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

There’s no single legal definition for sexual harassment. But it is generally defined as something like this: unwanted behaviour related to a person’s sex or gender that may harm, offend, or humiliate the person who is being harassed.

Under Canadian laws, sexual harassment is prohibited. People have the right not to be sexually harassed at work, and employers have an obligation to provide a workplace that’s free of harassment. Everybody has a responsibility to not sexually harass other people.

Who gets sexually harassed the most?

Most people who get sexually harassed are women. Otherwise, the people who get sexually harassed don’t have much in common.

  • Sexual harassment happens to people of all ages.
  • It happens to people no matter what they look like.
  • It happens to people no matter how they dress.
  • It happens to people no matter how they behave.

Do some kinds of people get harassed more than others?

Yes. Harassers tend to choose:

  • people who are new to a workplace
  • people who are new to an industry
  • racialized people
  • people with disabilities
  • people who are 2SLGBTQIA+
  • immigrants and refugees
  • people who have less workplace power than the harasser does

Sexual harassment happens in all kinds of workplaces and industries. But there are some environments where it’s more common than others:

  • workplaces where there are lots of men and very few women
  • service-sector jobs, especially bars and restaurants
  • jobs where you work alone with a man
  • jobs where you work in somebody’s home

Sexual harassment thrives in organizations that have a preponderance of men, turn a blind eye to bad behavior, neglect respect and fairness, and/or promote dysfunctional masculinity contests.

Lilia M. Cortina, professor of psychology, Women’s and Gender Studies, University of Michigan.
Maira A. Areguin, graduate student, Joint Program in Women’s and Gender Studies and Personality & Social Contexts, University of Michigan.
“Putting People Down and Pushing Them Out: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.“

Some common examples of sexual harassment

  • Someone is hugging or touching you without your consent.
  • Someone is asking you out repeatedly or is sexually propositioning you.
  • Someone is invading your personal space or staring at you in a sexual way.
  • Someone is talking about you, or to you, in a sexual way.
  • Someone is displaying or showing or sending you sexual imagery.
  • Someone is sharing sexual images of you with other people.
  • Someone is making sexual jokes to you or in front of you.
  • Someone is trying to make you behave in a more feminine or masculine way.
  • Someone is making fun of the way you look or act because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.
  • Someone is using gender-based slurs about you or in front of you.
  • Someone is spreading rumours about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is asking you questions about your sex, sexual behaviour, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is withholding job-related information from you, or is making it difficult in some other way for you to do your job because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.
  • Someone is making you feel not accepted, or unsafe, because of your sex, gender identity, or gender expression.
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