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How to decide whether to file a human rights complaint (NB)

Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

The New Brunswick Human Rights Commission and what it does

The New Brunswick Human Rights Commission is the agency that deals with discrimination and harassment complaints. One law that protects you from discrimination is the New Brunswick Human Rights Act. Sexual harassment under the act is discrimination based on sex.

The commission receives, mediates, and investigates complaints. If a complaint can’t be resolved, the matter may be referred to a hearing at the Labour and Employment Board, which is completely separate from the commission. The commission is only able to make the decision to either dismiss a complaint or send it to the board. The board has the authority to make a finding of discrimination and award a variety of remedies.

When you think about filing a complaint, you might imagine a process that ends in a definitive ruling that what happened to you was either right or wrong. But in reality, that almost never happens. Complaints are much more likely to be closed at the commission level than referred to the board for a decision; about a quarter of complaints are closed as a result of mediation.

We’re not saying don’t make a complaint to the commission, but it’s very unlikely the outcome will be a public acknowledgement of the fact that you were harassed. If you think you would be satisfied with a private settlement, which could involve such things as money to compensate you for the harm you experienced, an apology or a job reference, then participating in the mediation process could be right for you.

Facts about the New Brunswick Human Rights Commission

  • Every year, 10 to 15 people file a complaint with the commission saying they have been sexually harassed in the workplace.
  • Of the complaints closed by the commission in 2022-23, a quarter were successfully mediated, half were dismissed by the commission director or the commission members, and the remainder were withdrawn, abandoned, or found to be outside the jurisdiction of the commission. 
  • Hardly any complaints to the commission are referred to the Labour and Employment Board: six in each of 2021-22 and 2022-23. 
  • Complaints that are referred to the board for a hearing are seldom sexual harassment cases. 
  • Sources: New Brunswick Human Rights Commission annual reports, CanLII

Why consider filing a complaint with the commission

If you decide to file a complaint with the commission, here are a few things you may get out of the process:

  • It could be a chance to tell the harasser what they did is not okay.
  • You might get back money you lost because of the harassment—maybe you didn’t get a special project or a promotion, or were fired.
  • You might get a reference for a new job.
  • You could request that your workplace make changes that would affect everyone there, not just you, like improving employee policies and training around sexual harassment.
  • It is possible you might get some money to recognize the emotional harm you suffered from the harassment.

How to make a complaint to the commission

The commission suggests that if you are considering making a complaint and want more information to first call or email (506-453-2301; hrc.cpd@gnb.ca). The intake officer you deal with can mail you a complaint kit; otherwise, you can download the forms you need from the commission’s website. The Completing the Human Rights Complaint Form guide contains detailed information about how to fill out the three required forms. See also How to File Human Rights Complaint: New Brunswick.

You can file an application against anybody who is sexually harassing you at work—your employer, a co-worker, a supervisor, a customer, or a contractor. In your application, you can also name the company or organization you were or are working for. Even if your employer is not the one who’s harassing you, they have to protect you from sexual harassment and a harassing environment. See How to report sexual harassment to your employer.

Will the commission accept your application? 

  • You have one year from when the harassment happened to file your application with the tribunal. If the harassment happened more than once, the deadline is one year from the last incident of harassment. 
  • You can file a complaint with the commission if you work in New Brunswick or if the harassment happened in New Brunswick, but not if you work at a federally regulated workplace. See Am I a federally regulated worker? (And why it matters.)
  • You’re covered if you’re unionized or non-unionized, temporary or permanent, an independent contractor, or undocumented.
  • After you file your complaint, the commission might decide that the harassment you faced doesn’t relate to a ground of discrimination under the code. In that case, your application will not proceed. This happens about half the time.

How mediation works

While both you and the respondent—the person your complaint is about—will be encouraged to participate in mediation, no one can be forced to do this. Mediation involves you and the respondent finding a solution to your complaint—something you both agree to. It can happen at any point, including through pre-complaint intervention, before your complaint is formally accepted. 

If you agree to the process, the commission will assign you a mediator. Mediators are experts in dispute resolution and human rights law who listen to you and the respondent and work with both of you to come to a settlement. They’re not supposed to pick a side, and they aren’t supposed to favour either you or the respondent. The purpose of this process is not to determine whether you were sexually harassed according to the Human Rights Act. 

Mediation is usually conducted in person; you and the respondent are in different rooms and the mediator shuttles between the two of you. 

About 25% of complaints are resolved through mediation and more than half of settlements happen at the early stage of the complaint process. But mediation can occur right up to the point where a complaint is referred to the Labour and Employment Board. 

What you might ask for

Money to compensate you for:

  • The harm to your dignity, feelings, and self-respect.
  • Lost wages.
  • The cost of counselling sessions you’ve needed and/or money to cover future counselling.

Besides money:

  • An apology.
  • A reference letter or a letter confirming your employment.
  • A change at the workplace, like including a sexual harassment section in the policies handbook.
  • Your employer having to take a course about preventing and dealing with sexual harassment. 

What are you likely to get?

Details of mediated settlements are private. However, we know that in a number of cases agreements don’t involve money at all; instead, the respondents are ordered to do things like take human rights training or create a human rights policy that all managers would have to be trained about. Where there is a financial settlement for emotional harm, it is usually quite modest: a range of $5,000 to $12,500 is common. There aren’t very many big awards, and they happen when the harassment was particularly bad and went on for a long time. 

For more information

This chart outlines all the steps in the complaint process, including where mediation might occur.

Pros and cons of mediation

  • The mediation process is free.
  • Many people participate in mediation without a lawyer.
  • You are the one to decide what you will accept from the respondent to make up for the harm they caused.
  • Reaching a settlement is usually faster than a hearing, though the process can take one to two years. 
  • More creativity is possible in mediation. For example, you can’t ask for an apology in a hearing.
  • Everything you say is considered confidential, or “without prejudice”—it can’t be used against you later.
  • There is no risk in participating in mediation. If it fails, the complaint process continues.
  • Mediation doesn’t give you a chance to publicly say what happened to you or be told that it was wrong.
  • You will likely not get everything you ask for—you have to be ready to compromise.

Beyond mediation

Complaints that aren’t settled through early mediation are analyzed by the commission’s legal team, which may recommend that the complaint be investigated. An investigator gathers information through conducting interviews and reviewing documents, then writes a report recommending either dismissing the complaint or referring it to the Labour and Employment Board for a hearing. 

Pros and cons of your case being decided by the Labour and Employment Board

  • The Labour and Employment Board has the power to say that, yes, you were harassed, and that what happened to you was wrong.
  • The board of inquiry can order many different remedies. It can award you money. If you were fired or had to quit because of the harassment, it can order your employer to give you your job back. It can order your employer to provide anti-harassment training.
  • It can take years for a hearing to be held.
  • If you hire a lawyer to represent you, that will be expensive. If you don’t hire a lawyer, your chances of success are much lower.
  • People who represent themselves are less likely to have their complaints found justified.
  • The board usually only awards money for things like lost wages or your expenses as a result of the harassment; it seldom makes awards for harm to your dignity and feelings.
  • Very few people end up being told by a board of inquiry that they were discriminated against and what happened to them was wrong. 
  • If you reach the hearing process stage, you may close the door to other legal options.
  • Even if the board awards you money or other things, that doesn’t mean you will necessarily get them. It can be hard to force your employer or the harasser to give you everything the board ordered, or what you agreed to in mediation.
  • Like in any legal process, your opponents will try to undermine your credibility and make you look bad. You could end up feeling disbelieved and unsupported.
  • Some psychologists believe it’s a bad idea for people who have experienced sexual harassment to get involved in any legal process. They say legal processes can slow down your ability to heal emotionally from what happened to you, because they keep you focused on the past. These experts believe that it can be healthier for the person who experienced harassment to put the past behind them and focus on their present and their future.

If your case goes ahead

While theoretically it is possible to proceed with a complaint representing yourself, this is very challenging, time consuming, and potentially harmful to your mental health. Your chances of success are much greater with legal help.

Here are some places that offer free or lower-cost legal services:

  • You can call the commission. The commission staff can provide some guidance throughout the process.
  • The Public Legal Education and Information Service of New Brunswick’s Legal Information Line may be able to provide you with general information about New Brunswick law, your options, and how a lawyer might help you.
  • Sexual Violence New Brunswick runs a support line (506-454-9437) for people who have been affected by sexual violence or harassment; it is open daily from 5 p.m. to 8 a.m.
  • 211 New Brunswick is a free and confidential 24/7 phone and text service that connects individuals to services in the province. You can call or text 2-1-1 to be connected with trained professionals to help find support services.
  • JusticeNet is a not-for-profit service for those whose income is too high to qualify for legal aid but too low to afford regular legal fees. To qualify you must have a net family income under $70,000, or $90,000 if there are three or more people in your family, and be experiencing financial difficulties. Participating lawyers’ reduced rates vary depending on your family size and income.
  • Your workplace union, association, or employee assistance program may be able to help you find legal services or cover part of your legal fees.

Should you apply for workers comp? (MB)

Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

The Workers Compensation Board of Manitoba is an agency that operates “at arm’s length” from the government of Manitoba. It gives benefits and supports to people who’ve been injured at work. These can include replacement of lost wages, health care (including rehabilitation, counselling, and medications), and, in extreme situations, retraining.

Facts about the Workers Compensation Board

  • The WCB functions like an insurance provider. Employers pay premiums to the WCB for the people who work for them. As a result, those people are entitled to benefits if they suffer a workplace injury.
  • About 73% of Manitoba workers are covered by the WCB.
  • Approximately 32,000 claims are filed with the WCB every year. 
  • However, most claims are for physical injuries. A psychological injury must be an acute reaction to an event or series of events involving “direct exposure to actual or threatened violence or harm at a specific time.”
  • If your WCB claim is turned down, you can file an appeal, but most appeals are rejected.
  • Sources: Workers Compensation Board of Manitoba Annual Report 2023, Association of Workers’ Compensation Boards of Canada

If you’ve been harmed by sexual harassment at work, you might think the WCB will help you.

  • Maybe after you were harassed, you took time off work and so lost income.
  • Maybe the harassment damaged your mental health, and you ended up needing to spend money on medication for anxiety or depression.
  • Maybe the harassment had such an effect on you that you had to leave an industry and ended up needing to retrain for a new type of work in a different field. 

Those are the kinds of expenses—replacement of lost wages, medication costs, retraining costs—that the WCB often covers.

However, historically, the WCB has mostly handled claims related to physical injuries suffered by workers in male-dominated fields like construction, manufacturing, and uniform occupations like policing and firefighting. If you slip at work and break your ankle, or are struck by a falling object, or are injured in a fire or explosion: that is the kind of situation the WCB was designed for and has a lot of experience handling. 

It has less experience with mental health harms, which it classifies as psychological injuries, and sexual harassment seldom qualifies for coverage. 

Though we’re not saying don’t bother applying for WCB benefits, you should be aware that it’s unlikely your claim will be successful. If you want to pursue the claim after being denied, you’ll need to be prepared to go through an appeal process. Appealing can take a long time, and, of the few appeals that are heard, many are denied.

Important

Legally, if your employer is a WCB member, they are required to report any injuries that occur in their workplace. But really most are unlikely to do this in sexual harassment cases, because they often deny the harassment occurred or that it caused real harm.

Important

If you want to apply for disability insurance through your workplace provider, the insurer may require you to apply to the WCB first, and appeal if you are turned down.

Pros and cons of going to the WCB

  • It isn’t expensive or very complicated. 
  • WCB benefits can be generous. Wage replacement is up to 90% of your net salary.
  • Representing yourself is possible when first making a claim. But if your claim is denied, appealing is more complicated. There may be some legal resources to help if you still want to represent yourself.
  • The WCB doesn’t investigate or adjudicate whether you were sexually harassed. If you are looking for someone to tell you that you were sexually harassed, and to punish the harasser or your employer for allowing the harassment, the WCB won’t give you that.
  • You can’t apply to the WCB secretly. You must notify your employer about your injury right away, which means they will have information about your private health circumstances.
  • The WCB has a high rate of denying psychological injury claims.
  • If the WCB rejects your claim and you appeal, the appeal process may be lengthy.
  • You can’t apply to the WCB secretly. Your employer will know about your claim, which means they will have information about your private health circumstances.
  • Your employer will have the opportunity to dispute your claim. It’s very likely they will do this, in which case proving your case will be more difficult.
  • Your employer will be updated about any changes to your claim. That means they will continue to know about your personal health situation, even if you don’t work for them anymore.
  • To make a claim, a medical professional may have to say that you’ve suffered an injury. If you don’t have easy access to a medical professional who will do this, making a claim will be harder.

Psychological injury claims

The WCB awards benefits due to the injury you sustained, which in your case would be damaged mental health. Under the WCB guidelines, harassment is defined as:

  • objectionable conduct that creates a risk to the health of a worker, or
  • severe conduct that adversely affects the worker’s psychological or physical well-being.

Since 2023, the WCB has acknowledged that extreme stress due to an excessive workload over a long time can constitute a traumatic event. However, it won’t cover every kind of mental stress that arises at work. If you develop a mental health condition caused by your employer making changes to your shifts or other working conditions, for example, or firing you, or due to interpersonal conflicts that don’t involve harassment, you aren’t eligible to file a claim.

How to make a WCB application

First, you must decide if filing a claim with the WCB is the right choice for you. If you do choose to go to the WCB, you must notify your employer of your injury, then see a health-care professional. See How to Report an Injury page on the agency’s website as well as the Reporting an Injury brochure. 

To file a claim with the WCB, you must be employed in a business or industry that is covered by the Workers Compensation Act. About 78% of workers in Manitoba are included under the act.

For more information

A document on the WSB website describes how psychological injury claims are adjudicated, though it is not very reader-friendly.

Legal help

Representing yourself is possible when first making a claim. But if your claim is denied, appealing is more complicated. Here are some places that offer free or lower-cost legal services:

  • The Worker Advisor Office is an independent governmental agency that provides free and confidential services about workplace injuries and compensation to workers. This office can provide information, advice, and, possibly, help with representation throughout the WCB appeal process. It also has an extensive network of supports for injured workers and may be able to direct you to other organizations that can help.
  • The Community Legal Education Association offers a Law Phone-In and Lawyer Referral Program. The two lawyers on staff offer general legal information and advice. They can refer you to a lawyer, and the first interview (up to 30 minutes) is free.
  • The Legal Help Centre provides help to people who are not eligible for legal aid and whose gross family income is between $55,000 and $90,000, depending on family size. It offers legal information, summary advice, or referrals via telephone appointments.
  • JusticeNet is a not-for-profit service for those whose income is too high to qualify for legal aid but too low to afford regular legal fees. To qualify you must have a net family income under $70,000, or $90,000 if there are three or more people in your family, and be experiencing financial difficulties. Participating lawyers’ reduced rates vary depending on your family size and income.
  • Your workplace union, association, or employee assistance program may be able to help you find legal services or cover part of your legal fees.

For advice on hiring a lawyer, see How to find and work with a lawyer.

Should you apply for workers comp? (NB)

Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.

WorkSafe NB is a provincial Crown corporation that gives benefits and supports to people who’ve been injured at work. These can include replacement of lost wages, health care (including rehabilitation, counselling, and medications), and, in extreme situations, retraining.

Facts about WorkSafeNB

  • WorkSafeNB functions like an insurance provider. Employers pay premiums to WorkSafe for the people who work for them. Those people are entitled to benefits if they suffer a workplace injury.
  • Because most employers legally have to belong to WorkSafe, 90% of New Brunswick workers are covered.
  • In 2023 roughly 5,200 claims were adjudicated by WorkSafeNB; 98% were accepted.
  • However, most claims are for physical injuries. The kind of mental stress injuries that are covered are “traumatic psychological injuries”—something a first responder might experience, for example. 
  • In 2023, about 225 TPI claims were accepted.
  • Almost 90% of TPI claims are made by public-sector workers.
  • Sources: WorkSafeNB Annual Report 2023, Association of Workers’ Compensation Boards of Canada, Tableau Public

If you’ve been harmed by sexual harassment at work, you might think WorkSafeNB will help you.

  • Maybe after you were harassed, you took time off work and so lost income.
  • Maybe the harassment damaged your mental health, and you ended up needing to spend money on medication for anxiety or depression.
  • Maybe the harassment had such an effect on you that you had to leave an industry and ended up needing to retrain for a new type of work in a different field. 

Those are the kinds of expenses—replacement of lost wages, medication costs, retraining costs—that WorkSafeNB often covers.

However, historically, WorkSafe has mostly handled claims related to physical injuries suffered by workers in male-dominated fields like construction, manufacturing, and uniform occupations like policing and firefighting. If you slip at work and break your ankle, or are struck by a falling object, or are injured in a fire or explosion: that is the kind of situation WorkSafe was designed for and has a lot of experience handling. 

But if the injury is to your mental health, WorkSafe only offers benefits and supports when you have suffered “traumatic mental stress,” which is very narrowly defined. Realistically, it’s extremely unlikely that if you apply for mental stress benefits, you’ll be successful. WorkSafe states that “workplace bullying/harassment/verbal abuse would not be considered traumatic unless it involved threat of death, serious injury or sexual violence.” 

Your options could include making a complaint to the Human Rights Commission or taking legal action. 

How does sexual harassment affect people’s mental health?

Sexual harassment can hurt your mental health in lots of ways:

  • It can make you afraid to go to work.
  • It can make you tense or jumpy or anxious, worrying about what will happen next.
  • It can affect your sleep, appetite, or ability to enjoy other activities.
  • It can take up a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it stop.
  • It can distract you from your work or other priorities. That can make you worry about your performance on the job or other responsibilities.
  • It can make you irritable and short-tempered, which can cause problems in your relationships.
  • It can make it harder to feel connected to loved ones or feel understood by others.

One of the biggest ways harassment can harm your mental health is how it can make you (incorrectly!) blame yourself for being harassed.

It’s really common for people to blame themselves. It’s really common for them to feel shame and guilt. Or to feel like it’s proof that they’re a bad person.

This can lead to serious mental health issues.

So we want to say to you very clearly: This is not your fault. Really try to understand and believe that, because it’s important for your mental well-being.

You’re going to be making some decisions about how to handle the harassment, and we want you to understand how those decisions may affect your mental health, as well.

How staying at work may affect your mental health

Many people, when they’re harassed at work, decide to stay in their job and try to cope. Here is what that can look like.

Often, people don’t tell anybody they’re being harassed, except maybe a close friend or family member. They might quietly take steps to try to keep themself safe. Maybe they talk directly to the harasser to try to make them stop. Maybe they join a whisper network. Maybe they try to just put their head down and focus on their work.

This can work okay. But your body and mind are going to need reassurance that you have removed the threat before they can start to feel safer and less stressed. This is very difficult to do if you were sexually harassed at work and continue to return there.

Also, if the harassment continues, it will go on hurting your sense of safety and well-being. That means more stress on top of other life stressors you might be already experiencing. This can start feeling unsustainable.

Even if the harassment stops, returning to the space where you were harassed can bring up uncomfortable feelings. This is especially true if the harassment took place over a long period of time or was severe.

The result is that many people who stay at work end up feeling burned out.

For some people staying at work turns out fine. But if that’s what you choose to do, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on your mental health to make sure that, if you start to show signs of trauma or burnout, you recognize it and find ways to get the support you need.

Later in this article we’ll tell you some things to look out for. Please try to monitor the state of your mental health. It’s important. Your mental health is worth protecting.

How quitting your job may affect your mental health

Quitting your job might not make sense for you for financial reasons or career reasons. It’s also totally unfair. Why should you have to quit because someone decided to harass you?

But leaving an unsafe situation can be a really good way to protect your mental health, especially if it doesn’t seem like the harassment will end. That doesn’t mean it makes sense for everyone. But if you can quit, it’s worth considering.

If you do quit, you might think that all the stress the harassment is causing you will immediately disappear. But that’s not really what happens. Even after the original source of the stress is gone, its effects can take a longer time to go away.

It’s important to know that leaving your job may also lead you to other stressful situations, like unemployment, underemployment, taking a demotion, or taking a job somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise choose to work. All of these situations can bring their own challenges and lead to you questioning your decision to change jobs.

Still, it’s often best for your mental health to get yourself out of an unsafe environment. It’s only once we’re in a safe space that we can really start to recover from what we’ve gone through. For more about quitting your job, see How to decide whether to quit your job—and how to make that work.

How reporting may affect your mental health

If you have a great employer and supportive co-workers, it’s possible that reporting might go well for you. But unfortunately for many people, the experience of reporting sexual harassment to their employer can be really, really bad for their mental health.

It adds a layer of trauma or distress on top of the pain you already experienced from the sexual harassment.

One thing that’s really common when you report sexual harassment is that people react by sympathizing with the harasser. They may assume you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened.

This happens because it can be easier for people to believe that someone is lying or exaggerating than having to acknowledge that something awful—like sexual harassment—is happening. This isn’t right or fair to you, but is sadly a common bias of many people like employers, supervisors, and co-workers.

Reporting is completely your choice. If you want to report, we support you. But we want you to know about the possible unfair consequences, and how they can make things harder for your mental and physical health. We want you to be prepared.

So here’s what you need to know.

If you report, people at work may treat you coldly, gossip about you, or judge you. They may sympathize with the harasser or believe you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened. Your boss may avoid you, or be stiff or formal with you. They may reduce your hours, make changes to your job that you don’t want or need, or stop treating you well. The harasser may try to sabotage your ability to do your job or try to turn others against you.

If you get involved with a legal process, that can be even more traumatizing.

You may have to describe your experience over and over again, including with people who you don’t know. People in positions of authority may act like they don’t believe you, or like what happened to you was no big deal. It is sadly far too common to not get the outcome you’re seeking, and that can leave you feeling betrayed. Like the system that’s supposed to protect you has completely let you down.

None of this is fair. All of this can be bad for your mental health. It can increase your likelihood of developing PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

Reporting still might be the right decision for you. But we want you to understand the risks involved so you can prepare for them.

How not reporting may affect your mental health

Some people make the choice to not report sexual harassment out of fear for their safety or well-being, or because of the possible consequences for their career or other aspects of their life.

But not reporting carries some risks, too.

If you decide not to report, you may feel judged by people who want or expect you to make a report. You may feel pressured to speak up when you don’t feel it is safe or what’s best for you. You may feel guilty, not only for yourself but for others who have experienced sexual harassment in the past or could potentially experience it in the future.

Sometimes people say or imply that choosing to not report means you are disappointing or betraying your gender, your race, your sexuality, or other groups that you are a part of. This can lead to feelings of embarrassment, shame, not belonging, self-blame, or guilt. It can also leave you feeling misunderstood and alone.

We want to be clear: No one other than you can or should make this choice for you.

You are not responsible for shouldering the burden of reporting what happened. If the person who harassed you goes on to harass other people in the future, that is entirely the fault of the person who is doing the harassment.

We encourage you to prioritize what is best for you. Whether or not to report is a completely personal decision, and one that you have every right to make for yourself.

If possible, it can be helpful to talk to other people who understand you and who won’t put pressure on you, and who respect that this is your choice.

How to tell if your mental health is suffering

Everybody reacts differently to stress, and so there are many signs that can mean your mental health is suffering. Here are some that may help you recognize if that’s happening to you:

  • You’re feeling lonely and vulnerable.
  • You’re more irritable and short-tempered than usual.
  • You’re blaming yourself, feeling like you’re a bad person, feeling guilt or shame.
  • You’re exhausted.
  • You’re sleeping more, or less, than you normally do.
  • You’re eating more, or less, than you normally do.
  • You’re drinking more alcohol, or using more drugs, than you normally do.
  • You’re finding yourself withdrawing from your friends and family.
  • You’re scared to be alone.
  • You aren’t enjoying things you used to find pleasurable.
  • You’re having headaches, muscle pain, nausea, gastrointestinal problems or other physical symptoms of stress.
  • You’re feeling a desire to self-harm.
  • You’re thinking about ending your life.
  • You’re feeling hopeless about the future

If at any point you’re wondering if dying would somehow be a resolution to all the suffering you’re going through, it is very important to seek help. Please call a helpline, talk to your family doctor, or go to your nearest hospital. Try to remember that how you are feeling right now will change. The most important thing is for you to stay safe long enough to give yourself the time to start feeling better. Helplines, hospitals, and other professionals—along with family, friends, and other loved ones—can help support you until that happens.

Why we blame ourselves and what can help

The first thing you need to know is that self-blame is really common. And it can be confusing. Because even when we know rationally that the harassment wasn’t our fault, emotionally we can still feel like it was.

If you’re experiencing self-blame, here are things you might be thinking:

  • It’s my fault it happened.
  • I must have said or done something to give them the impression I would be okay with this.
  • There’s something wrong with me, because they picked me.
  • People can tell there’s something about me that makes it safe to harass me.
  • This is my fault, because it’s happened to me before.
  • I should have known better.
  • If I hadn’t (stayed late/laughed at their jokes/worn that outfit) none of this would have happened.

These thoughts might make you feel embarrassed, guilty, upset with yourself, or ashamed. But we want to be clear that you did not deserve to be sexually harassed. This is true regardless of what you wear, how you look, how much money you make, where you work, what you do, or anything else.

You did not deserve what happened to you. It was not your fault.

Even so, sometimes we do blame ourselves. To move past that, it can help to understand why we’re doing it.

It’s not your fault

It’s common to wonder what it was about you that caused the sexual harassment.

The truth is the person who harassed you was most likely going to harass somebody. It’s very rare for someone to only sexually harass one person, one time. The person probably harassed other people before you, and they will probably harass more people in the future.

It’s really important to know there’s nothing specific about you that makes you deserving of harassment.

Sexual harassment is incredibly common, and all kinds of people get harassed. Younger people and older people. People who dress modestly and people who don’t. People who are conventionally attractive and people who aren’t. People who are religious and people who aren’t. People who behave the way society expects them to and people who don’t.

Seriously: It’s not about you. It’s not about who you are or what you’ve done.

That’s easy to say, but for a lot of us, it can take a while to truly accept it. Keep reading to understand some more reasons why we struggle with blaming ourselves.

You can’t control other people

After a harmful experience, your brain looks for ways to prevent it from happening again. Even when it’s something you can’t control, like what someone else does, your brain looks for ways you can protect yourself.

Subconsciously, you might be thinking: “If I can figure out what I did to cause this, then I can avoid doing that so this awful thing won’t happen again.”

Imagine if you tripped and hurt yourself. You might go over what you were doing before that. Say, you realize that you were running or not looking where you were going and that’s what led to you falling down. So in the future, you slow down and look more carefully to keep from tripping again.

But things aren’t always in your control. Being sexually harassed is less like you were running and tripped and more like someone pushed you. Replaying everything you did or didn’t do doesn’t actually help you to prevent it from happening again.

It wasn’t something you did

Maybe you dated the person, flirted with them, or had sex with them before. Maybe you knew or suspected that they had a history of being inappropriate with others. Maybe you’ve always looked up to this person, considered them a friend, a mentor, or someone who’s helped you a lot in the past. Maybe it’s happened more than once.

Maybe when it happened you didn’t know how to react so you didn’t say anything. Maybe after it happened you acted overly nice to the person or reassured them it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe the person isn’t the kind of person we think a harasser is: they’re someone really respected in society or more attractive than you or physically smaller or female. So you or others have a hard time believing that person could hurt you. Maybe you really like the person for other reasons and feel torn about seeing them as someone who’s hurt you.

It’s important to know that it’s not unusual if your situation feels more complicated—in fact, that’s the more common situation. The majority of sexual harassment cases involve some kind of complication.

Often the person who sexually harassed you uses those complications to confuse you, to deny it happened, or to convince themselves or others that what they did was okay.

But the truth is they harassed you.

Why people sometimes don’t believe you

It’s possible that, after you experience sexual harassment, someone you tell minimizes, dismisses, or flat-out doesn’t believe you when you tell them what happened.

The person you tell may ask you what you did, what you wore, or how you responded, implying that this was somehow because of you. That makes it even harder to not feel responsible.

Why do people question you or not believe you? There can be lots of reasons.

  • They may be surprised or in shock.
  • They may be unable to believe that you could be hurt.
  • They may be unable to think that someone they trust or respect would harass another person.
  • They may want to protect the person who harassed you or the company where you work.
  • They may have an idea of what counts (and what doesn’t count) as sexual harassment. Like, they may assume it can only happen if the person is physically violent.
  • They may think you must have done something to cause or deserve it.

We are slowly getting better at changing those reactions, but there’s still a strong assumption that somehow sexual harassment is avoidable.

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If A Robbery Report Was Treated Like A Rape Report, Cynthia Kao

What can help

  • It can be helpful to realize why our brain replays over (and over and over) why we think it was our fault. Remember that, even if your brain is able to identify something you could have done differently, that’s not the same thing as you being the one who caused the harassment.
  • Remember that, at the time, you might not have known everything that you now know. Even if there are certain things you would change now, at the time you likely didn’t have all the information to know what to do or what not to do.
  • Ask yourself: “How would I feel if a close friend was in my situation instead of me?” Would you place the same level of blame on them? Or would you feel more patient or protective? Many people find it easier to be understanding with a friend than they are with themselves. For the same reasons you wouldn’t blame a friend after they were sexually harassed, you also don’t deserve that blame.
  • Remember that the harassment doesn’t define you or your self-worth. This is something that happened to you. This is something that can have a big impact on you. But this was not because of you. The sexual harassment is entirely because of the person who harassed you.
  • Talk to someone who is understanding and supportive. Explain to them how asking certain questions may make you feel blamed and clarify how they can better support you. A lot of the time, we just need someone who will listen and make an effort to understand. If it’s hard to find someone in your life who can do this, consider speaking to a counsellor, therapist, or health care worker who has experience in working with people around sexual harassment. If it’s difficult to access professional help, consider calling a helpline.

Fear, worry, and anxiety: Why we feel them and what can help

Important

Sometimes it can be triggering to read about anxiety. Please pay attention to how you’re feeling as you read this, and take a break if you feel you need to.

Sexual harassment is inherently scary, and feeling afraid or anxious is totally understandable.

Some of the things you may be worrying about:

  • Is the harassment going to get worse?
  • What if they won’t stop?
  • What if they hurt me again?
  • If I report it will this only get worse?
  • What’s going to happen to my career if other people find out?
  • Should I report it?
  • Should I try to talk to the harasser, to try to get them to stop?
  • If I manage to stop them, will they take it out on someone else?
  • Did I do something to cause this?
  • What if no one believes me?
  • What if this somehow gets turned against me and I get in trouble?
  • Will I get fired?
  • If I say something to HR and nothing happens, how will I be able to keep working here?

That fear can be self-protective, as it is alerting you to possible threats and trying to keep you safe. Anxiety can affect your sleep, appetite, memory, ability to focus, and overall mood. If you’re feeling really anxious and stressed, you may also start to feel more impatient, irritable, or confused, or have difficulty enjoying things that usually make you happy.

When you’re feeling anxious, you might find it hard to bring a typical level of focus to your work or personal life. You might be making mistakes in a way that’s unusual for you. This can compound the anxiety and lead to an increase in overall stress.

Anxiety can show up in thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical symptoms.

Thoughts: It can be a state of thinking, like thoughts that replay over and over again, or worries—a lot of “what ifs” like the ones above.

Emotions: It can be a feeling you experience that is similar to feeling scared, afraid, tense, or uneasy.

Behaviours: It can make you pace, double-check on things, bite your nails, avoid situations that feel scary, or seek reassurance from others.

Physical symptoms: It can cause physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, trouble breathing, and nausea.

What are panic attacks

  • Panic attacks can be confusing, especially if you haven’t experienced them before. They can occur in your body even at times when you are not “feeling” anxious or having anxious thoughts.
  • It’s easy to mistake panic attacks for heart attacks or other health issues. If you are unsure what is happening, please seek medical advice. Once you’ve been able to rule out other possible concerns, it can be helpful to recognize that you’re having a panic attack and remind yourself that you are safe and okay.
  • The physical symptoms of panic attacks are very real. What you are experiencing is real. But a panic attack is not physically harmful. You cannot die from a panic attack. Tell yourself that, despite how it feels, you will be okay and the panic will go away eventually. Think of your panic attack as a false alarm.
  • You can read more about panic attacks in this article from Anxiety Canada.

What can help

  • It’s important to know that anxiety is treatable. People with anxiety disorders can feel better, most often from the support of health care professionals.
  • Anxiety and fear happen when we feel unsafe. If you’re able to take steps toward safety, you may notice less anxiety as your mind and body adjust to no longer being in as much danger. However, even when you are safe, you may continue to feel on high alert. It can be helpful to remind yourself when you are in a safe environment by saying things like, “I’m safe now.”
  • Often during this time it can be hard to prioritize taking care of ourselves; but while these strategies don’t solve the issue, they can make a difference to our ability to handle the sources of stress. It can be really difficult or even feel impossible to take care of yourself when you’re struggling. Exercise, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, trying to sleep, and spending time with loved ones can all help us to cope better. If this is hard for you right now, we get it. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Instead, pay attention to what you are already doing well, even if it’s something small. You Feel Like Shit is a game that gives tips for self-care. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow Tiny Care Bot for self-care reminders.
  • When feeling anxious, it is common for people to start doing things like drinking or eating more, shopping more, or spending more time watching TV, on social media, or playing video games. If this sounds like you, be patient with yourself and understanding about why you may be seeking distraction. There’s no benefit to judging yourself. If these behaviours are starting to have a significant impact on your health, relationships, finances, etc., be honest with yourself and seek help. Connect with a professional—a therapist, a helpline—or consider small steps you can take to reduce the harms you are experiencing.
Important

If you continue to feel anxious or afraid, consider talking with a professional. A helpline can assist, or your family doctor, or a therapist who’s trained to support people who have experienced work stress, sexual harassment, and/or sexual assault.

Another thing that can be very helpful is to find ways to change your perspective. Anxiety Canada may have some useful resources for you.

Depression and sadness: Why we feel them and what can help

We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

Anger: Why we feel it and what can help

After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.

Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.

Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.

Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.

Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.

It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.

Understanding your anger 

Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:

  • How could they do this to me?
  • People are always going to hurt me!
  • I hate them!
  • Why did I ever trust them?
  • The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
  • What is wrong with them?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • No one ever helps me!
  • They are all idiots!
  • It’s not fair!
  • I want to punch somebody!
  • People are out to get me.

These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.

There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.

Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.

The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.

Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.

There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:

  • feeling hurt
  • not having your expectations met
  • not having your needs met

If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.

From the Mayo Clinic: Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.

Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.

What can help

  • Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
  • If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
  • Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
  • Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
  • Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important

Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.

  • Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
  • Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.

Grief and loss: Why we feel them and what can help

After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

  • Trust in the person who harassed you.
  • Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
  • What you thought you knew about others.
  • What you thought you knew about yourself.
  • Faith or confidence in the justice system.
  • Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
  • The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
  • Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
  • Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
  • Comfort in your own body.
  • Your job or job stability.
  • Financial stability.
  • Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

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The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

Shock, confusion, and disbelief: Why we feel them and what can help

Sexual harassment is usually a surprise. Even when it’s not, it’s really common for people to react by feeling shocked and taken aback.

The first thing you need to know is that it’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

  • I can’t believe this happened.
  • I’m probably misremembering what happened.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I don’t know why I’m upset.
  • What just happened?
  • Am I sure that just happened?
  • I can’t believe this happened again.
  • I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

  • Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

  • It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
  • Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
  • Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
  • Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
  • It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
  • Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How to navigate a world that’s not just

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

  1. Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
  2. Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a safe workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society in Canada that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

  • We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
  • We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
  • An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace. When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
  • When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we are supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
  • When someone is harassed, the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
  • When someone is victimized, we don’t judge or blame them.
  • When people seek help from public service institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
  • When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
  • Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

  • I can’t believe this is happening.
  • This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
  • I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
  • I feel so let down.
  • I feel like I’ve been so naive.
  • How could I have been so stupid?
  • I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
  • How can people be so awful?
  • I knew I couldn’t trust them.
  • I knew nobody would help me.
  • This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
  • What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
  • This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

  • the person who harassed you
  • your boss
  • other senior people at your work
  • HR
  • your co-workers
  • your family or friends
  • your professional community
  • the police
  • health care professionals
  • the legal system
  • your community
  • your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

  • If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
  • If we’re queer, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
  • Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
  • Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

  • Can I be honest and real with this person?
  • After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
  • Does this person seem to really understand me?
  • Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
  • Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

  • I want to be able to be honest and real.
  • I want to feel uplifted.
  • I want to feel close.
  • I want to be understood.
  • I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I want to feel capable of positive change.
  • I want to grow in important ways.
  • I want to feel a sense of belonging.
  • I want to be supported.
  • If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
  • I want to be free to be myself.
  • I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
  • I want to be seen and appreciated.
  • I want to be curious about what comes next.
  • I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

How to protect your career

Take a couple of minutes and think about these questions.

  • What do you like about your current job, and what do you dislike?
  • When you think about yourself five or 10 years from now, what job do you hope you’ll have?
  • What plans do you have to get there?

Now, try these ones:

  • What’s the obvious next step in my career?
  • If I got a really great promotion, something that would make my friends and family really proud, what would that job be?
  • In a complete fantasy world, where I could do anything, what’s a job that I might find incredibly satisfying, where other people might be surprised to see me in it?

Now take a minute to think about what kinds of jobs you like.

  • Do you like stability and security, or do you prefer novelty and fun and excitement?
  • Do you like a job that’s calm and steady, or do you prefer time pressure and a fast pace?
  • Do you like to work alone, or do you prefer being part of a team?
  • Do you want work–life balance, or is work your number one priority?
  • Do you want to feel like your work is making the world a better place, or do you want to be creative, solve challenging problems, make a lot of money, or have power and authority?

Why are we asking you these questions?

Because sexual harassment has a way of pulling people off track and making them forget their own goals.

It totally makes sense. You didn’t ask to be harassed, you weren’t expecting it, and you probably don’t have a plan for handling it. So it makes sense that it would be an “interrupting” kind of event, and you’d need to drop everything else to figure out how to handle it.

That’s okay and normal and fine, for a while. But there comes a point where you are going to want it to stop.

If the harasser can drag you off course and force you to spend tons of time thinking about them and how to handle the harassment—well, then we think the harasser kind of wins. You’re all tied up in knots and running around in circles and meanwhile they’re…totally fine.

We want you to win.

So we want to make this super clear.

The number one way to protect your career is to stay focused on your career.

That’s what we want for you.

How to protect your career if you’ve reported the harassment

It might feel hard to focus on your work while you’re being harassed. We get that. It is hard. So here are some tips.

If you’ve reported the harassment, as soon as you can afterward, try to find opportunities to talk with your boss about other things

It doesn’t really matter what you talk about. The point is to have some normal, ordinary conversations with your boss that are not about the harassment. Your goal is to show them that you’re the same person you were before you reported the harassment, so you can have a normal working relationship where they don’t feel awkward around you. So they can see you more like “Alex, my employee,” and less like “Alex, who’s created a huge problem for me and the company.”

Try to discourage other people from pigeonholing you as “that person who got sexually harassed”

You can develop some scripts for this. Like, “I don’t really want to talk or think about the harassment too much; let’s talk about something else.” Or “I reported the harassment and now for me it’s basically over. It’s between him and the company now, it’s got nothing to do with me.” Or “To me, getting harassed was just a bad thing that happened, like a car crash or getting robbed. I would really like to just move on.”

Try to discourage people from imagining the situation as a personal dispute between you and the harasser

You can develop scripts for this too. Like, “Before this happened, I hardly knew that guy. I barely even knew his name.” Or “I have no idea why someone would do something like that. I was just doing my job and then, out of nowhere, he did that. It’s so weird.” Or “I actually don’t really have an opinion on what the company should do about him. I’m not a harassment expert or an HR person, so how would I know?”

Try to refocus people on thinking about you as a worker, an employee, with goals and hopes and dreams

This is really important. Try to seek out people who you think might be able to help you with your career, either at your job or outside it. Be open with them about your hopes and dreams for your work. Encourage them to tell you about opportunities, to recommend you for jobs, to tell other people you’re great. Other people can help your career a lot, but they can’t do it unless they know what you want.

That’s our advice.

If none of it is working and things are going badly for you, then we want to seriously advise you to consider job hunting. Sometimes getting a new job is the best way to protect your career—and if that’s true for you, it’s better to start looking early, before your career gets too messed up.

How to protect your career if you stay at work and don’t report

This one’s easy. If you stay at work and don’t report, your career may not get damaged at all.

In this scenario, the harassment eventually stops, or you figure out ways to shut it down or safely ignore it. You don’t need to change anything significant about your work to stay safe. Nobody gossips about you. And eventually you stop thinking about the whole thing.

Things often do play out this way, and if it’s what happens for you, that’s great. But you can’t count on it.

What sometimes actually happens instead is that you think you’re coping okay, but in reality the harassment is taking up a ton of your time and emotional energy. You’re “fine” (you’re not a mess, you’re surviving), but you just don’t have the time and energy you used to have for your work, and so you do less well at it.

Or, you’re not fine at all. The harassment is grinding you down and messing with your mental health. It happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it. But one day you realize you’re actually kind of a mess.

You don’t want that. So you need to keep an eye on yourself.

We recommend you check in on yourself. You can do it every day, or once a week. Maybe set a calendar reminder. Once in a while, ask yourself these questions:

  • When was the last time I thought about the harassment?
  • When was the last time I did something differently because of the harassment?
  • Is the harassment making it harder for me to do my job?

If you don’t like the answers to those questions, it might be time to start job hunting.

How to protect your career if you quit your job

By now you know that we think quitting your job might be a good way to protect your career.

It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to do it, but realistically, sometimes it’s the best decision.

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