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After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

  • Trust in the person who harassed you.
  • Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
  • What you thought you knew about others.
  • What you thought you knew about yourself.
  • Faith or confidence in the justice system.
  • Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
  • The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
  • Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
  • Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
  • Comfort in your own body.
  • Your job or job stability.
  • Financial stability.
  • Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

Sexual harassment is usually a surprise. Even when it’s not, it’s really common for people to react by feeling shocked and taken aback.

The first thing you need to know is that it’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

  • I can’t believe this happened.
  • I’m probably misremembering what happened.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I don’t know why I’m upset.
  • What just happened?
  • Am I sure that just happened?
  • I can’t believe this happened again.
  • I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

  • Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

  • It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
  • Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
  • Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
  • Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
  • It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
  • Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

  1. Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
  2. Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a safe workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society in Canada that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

  • We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
  • We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
  • An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace. When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
  • When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we are supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
  • When someone is harassed, the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
  • When someone is victimized, we don’t judge or blame them.
  • When people seek help from public service institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
  • When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
  • Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

  • I can’t believe this is happening.
  • This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
  • I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
  • I feel so let down.
  • I feel like I’ve been so naive.
  • How could I have been so stupid?
  • I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
  • How can people be so awful?
  • I knew I couldn’t trust them.
  • I knew nobody would help me.
  • This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
  • What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
  • This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

  • the person who harassed you
  • your boss
  • other senior people at your work
  • HR
  • your co-workers
  • your family or friends
  • your professional community
  • the police
  • health care professionals
  • the legal system
  • your community
  • your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

  • If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
  • If we’re queer, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
  • Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
  • Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

  • Can I be honest and real with this person?
  • After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
  • Does this person seem to really understand me?
  • Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
  • Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

  • I want to be able to be honest and real.
  • I want to feel uplifted.
  • I want to feel close.
  • I want to be understood.
  • I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I want to feel capable of positive change.
  • I want to grow in important ways.
  • I want to feel a sense of belonging.
  • I want to be supported.
  • If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
  • I want to be free to be myself.
  • I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
  • I want to be seen and appreciated.
  • I want to be curious about what comes next.
  • I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

If you’re reading this article, we’re guessing you’ve been harassed and you’re thinking about it a lot. When we’ve interviewed people, they’ve described themselves as “obsessing” or “ruminating” about the harassment. Maybe that’s true for you.

We’re going to ask you to do something that may seem a little weird.

We’re going to ask you to pretend for a moment that the harassment never happened. Just put it out of your head.

Then take a couple of minutes and think about these questions. We’re not going to ask you to do anything with the answers. We’re just asking you to think.

  • What do you like about your current job, and what do you dislike?
  • When you think about yourself five or 10 years from now, what job do you hope you’ll have?
  • What plans do you have to get there?

Now, try asking yourself these questions:

  • What’s the obvious next step in my career?
  • If I got a really great promotion, something that would make my friends and family really proud, what would that job be?
  • In a complete fantasy world, where I could do anything, what’s a job that I might find incredibly satisfying, where other people might be surprised to see me in it?

Now take a minute to think about what kinds of jobs you like.

  • Do you like stability and security, or do you prefer novelty and fun and excitement?
  • Do you like a job that’s calm and steady, or do you prefer time pressure and a fast pace?
  • Do you like to work alone, or do you prefer being part of a team?
  • Do you want work–life balance, or is work your number one priority?
  • Do you want to feel like your work is making the world a better place, or do you want to be creative, solve challenging problems, make a lot of money, or have power and authority?

Why are we asking you these questions?

Because sexual harassment has a way of pulling people off track and making them forget their own goals.

It totally makes sense. You didn’t ask to be harassed, you weren’t expecting it, and you probably don’t have a plan for handling it. So it makes sense that it would be an “interrupting” kind of event, and you’d need to drop everything else to figure out how to handle it.

That’s okay and normal and fine, for a while. But there comes a point where you are going to want it to stop.

If the harasser can drag you off course and force you to spend tons of time thinking about them and how to handle the harassment—well, then we think the harasser kind of wins. You’re all tied up in knots and running around in circles and meanwhile they’re…totally fine.

We want you to win.

So we want to make this super clear.

The number one way to protect your career is to stay focused on your career.

That’s what we want for you.

How to protect your career if you’ve reported the harassment

It might feel hard to focus on your work while you’re being harassed. We get that. It is hard. So here are some tips.

If you’ve reported the harassment, as soon as you can afterward, try to find opportunities to talk with your boss about other things

It doesn’t really matter what you talk about. The point is to have some normal, ordinary conversations with your boss that are not about the harassment. Your goal is to show them that you’re the same person you were before you reported the harassment, so you can have a normal working relationship where they don’t feel awkward around you. So they can see you more like “Alex, my employee,” and less like “Alex, who’s created a huge problem for me and the company.”

Try to discourage other people from pigeonholing you as “that person who got sexually harassed”

You can develop some scripts for this. Like, “I don’t really want to talk or think about the harassment too much; let’s talk about something else.” Or “I reported the harassment and now for me it’s basically over. It’s between him and the company now, it’s got nothing to do with me.” Or “To me, getting harassed was just a bad thing that happened, like a car crash or getting robbed. I would really like to just move on.”

Try to discourage people from imagining the situation as a personal dispute between you and the harasser

You can develop scripts for this too. Like, “Before this happened, I hardly knew that guy. I barely even knew his name.” Or “I have no idea why someone would do something like that. I was just doing my job and then, out of nowhere, he did that. It’s so weird.” Or “I actually don’t really have an opinion on what the company should do about him. I’m not a harassment expert or an HR person, so how would I know?”

Try to refocus people on thinking about you as a worker, an employee, with goals and hopes and dreams

This is really important. Try to seek out people who you think might be able to help you with your career, either at your job or outside it. Be open with them about your hopes and dreams for your work. Encourage them to tell you about opportunities, to recommend you for jobs, to tell other people you’re great. Other people can help your career a lot, but they can’t do it unless they know what you want.

That’s our advice.

If none of it is working and things are going badly for you, then we want to seriously advise you to consider job hunting. Sometimes getting a new job is the best way to protect your career—and if that’s true for you, it’s better to start looking early, before your career gets too messed up.

How to protect your career if you stay at work and don’t report

This one’s easy. If you stay at work and don’t report, your career may not get damaged at all.

In this scenario, the harassment eventually stops, or you figure out ways to shut it down or safely ignore it. You don’t need to change anything significant about your work to stay safe. Nobody gossips about you. And eventually you stop thinking about the whole thing.

Things often do play out this way, and if it’s what happens for you, that’s great. But you can’t count on it.

What sometimes actually happens instead is that you think you’re coping okay, but in reality the harassment is taking up a ton of your time and emotional energy. You’re “fine” (you’re not a mess, you’re surviving), but you just don’t have the time and energy you used to have for your work, and so you do less well at it.

Or, you’re not fine at all. The harassment is grinding you down and messing with your mental health. It happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it. But one day you realize you’re actually kind of a mess.

You don’t want that. So you need to keep an eye on yourself.

We recommend you check in on yourself. You can do it every day, or once a week. Maybe set a calendar reminder. Once in a while, ask yourself these questions:

  • When was the last time I thought about the harassment?
  • When was the last time I did something differently because of the harassment?
  • Is the harassment making it harder for me to do my job?

If you don’t like the answers to those questions, it might be time to start job hunting.

How to protect your career if you quit your job

By now you know that we think quitting your job might be a good way to protect your career.

It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to do it, but realistically, sometimes it’s the best decision.

The four types of high-harassment workplaces

Researchers have found there are four types of work environments where sexual and gender-based harassment is most common.

Workplaces where most of the workers are men

These are sometimes called “majority-male” workplaces or “male-dominant” workplaces. And there are a lot of them, especially in industries like science and technology, construction and the trades, transportation and warehousing, mining, quarrying and oil and gas extraction, fisheries and forestry, and policing and the military. In these workplaces, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “hostility based.” That means that some people think you don’t belong in their workplace or industry and are harassing you to force you out.

Workplaces where most of the clients or customers are men

This is true in much of the hospitality industry (bartending, serving, hosting). It’s true for sex work. It’s true for some kinds of health-care and personal support work (PSW, nanny, cleaner, personal assistant), and for many jobs in sales, consulting, and business services. In this kind of work, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “desire based,” which means that some people feel like it’s okay for them to behave in sexual ways with you, even if you don’t want them to.

Workplaces where most people are white (if you’re not)

For racialized people, it can be hard to know whether you’re being harassed for reasons related to your sex or gender, or because of your race. Often it’s both. If you’re racialized, a majority-white workplace could be a high-harassment environment for you. This kind of harassment can be either hostility based or desire based, or a mix of both.

Workplaces where most people aren’t queer (if you are)

If you’re queer, a high-harassment environment for you is any workplace where queer people make up just a tiny minority, or don’t seem present at all. This is especially true for you if you’re trans, and/or if people perceive you as anything other than male. This kind of harassment is usually hostility based. Some people are offended by your presence (or even your existence), and so they want to force you out, or force you to behave in a way they approve of.

What leads people to change their careers

If you’re being harassed at a workplace like the ones described above, and you’re trying to decide whether to change your whole career as a result, the first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing is very, very common.

It’s pretty simple.

If someone’s getting harassed at work and can’t find a way to make it stop, they will usually consider quitting their job. If they think they’re just as likely to be harassed at their next job, that’s when people start considering a bigger change.

  • They want to be able to relax at work, rather than needing to always be on guard and suspicious.
  • They want to be physically and emotionally safe.
  • They want to be able to focus on their work, instead of being distracted by harassment.
  • They want to be around people they like and can be friendly with—or at least, to avoid people who are hostile or predatory.
  • They want to be treated with a basic level of respect.
  • They want their work to be judged on the basis of their actual performance.
  • They want normal opportunities to advance at work. To be praised, promoted, and make more money.
  • They want to be able to be themselves at work, rather than needing to hide or change parts of themselves to avoid harassment.

Here are some real-life stories of people who changed their careers to get away from harassment. Some of them we talked with ourselves, and some are from books or news articles. A lot of examples:

  • A female software engineer was sexually harassed for more than 10 years while working at big tech companies. She quit the industry and went to work in the non-profit sector.
  • A female welder was harassed on her first day on the job, and every day after that. After two years she quit, and now she makes glass art.
  • A nonbinary person held a bunch of different jobs for about a decade and was harassed at all of them. Today, they are self-employed and working alone, doing bicycle repair.
  • After she transitioned, an auditor at a big accounting firm started getting harassed a lot by her co-workers. She quit and took a job bookkeeping at a hotel with a largely-queer clientele.
  • A First Nation woman became a city councillor and then resigned because the job exposed her to so much racism and sexism. Today she’s an Indigenous advocate and artist.

How to decide if changing your career is right for you

It’s actually a pretty simple trade-off.

The research says that people who change their career to get out of high-harassment environments end up happier but poorer. It’s that simple.

  • They’re happier because they feel like they can be themselves at work, and they end up working with people they like a lot better than their previous co-workers.
  • They’re poorer because they often go through a period of being unemployed or underemployed, because sometimes they need to spend money to retrain for their new career, and because their new career pays less. (We explain more about that a little further down in this article.)

So it’s a pretty simple question. Can you afford to make less money in exchange for more happiness?

(Okay, it’s not actually 100% that simple. If you’re working in a low-paid job right now, it’s definitely possible to go back to school and get training and end up making more money in the end. That absolutely happens; it’s not even uncommon. But if you want more money and less harassment, that isn’t always easy to get.)

How to get started changing your career

The first and most important thing you need to know is don’t wait too long.

If you think you might want to change your career, get started early. It’s going to take a lot of planning and a lot of effort, and meanwhile every day you spend in a harassment-heavy industry is going to cost you—emotionally, and maybe even physically.

So you are going to want to start now.

Here are some things to think about:

Trust your own instincts

We want to encourage you to trust your own instincts. If you think it’s right to leave, you are correct. We’re saying this because other people—your friends, your family, professional contacts—may encourage you to stay. If they do, you can ignore them. They’re not in your shoes and they don’t know what you’re experiencing. We urge you to trust yourself. You are the expert on you.

High-harassment industries pay more than low-harassment ones.

This is an important piece of information that a lot of people don’t know. Economists call it a wage premium, and it’s why practically everyone who switches their career to get away from harassment ends up making less money. If you’re considering a change, you need to know this. You should try to save as much money as much as you can now, before you quit. It’s also a good idea to start cutting back your expenses.

Consider independent contractor or consultant work

This is something a lot of people do. But researchers say that, for many people, this turns out to just be a stage that they pass through. Most people, five or so years later, are doing something completely different than what they were doing when they first got harassed.

Unemployment or underemployment is normal

A lot of people, once they quit a high-harassment industry, stumble around for a while before they figure out what they really want to do. It’s normal for people to be unemployed or underemployed for a year or two, or even more. This could easily happen to you. It’s another argument for saving money and doing a lot of planning before you quit.

High-harassment industries have higher status

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: The kinds of careers in which you’re likely to be harassed have higher status than harassment-free environments. Ugh, but it’s true. You might want to think about how much you—and your family and friends—care about status. If you care a lot, that might make your decisions harder.

Wanting to work alone is common

When people leave a high-harassment environment, it’s normal for them to go through a period where they don’t want to work with other people at all. Wanting to work alone, experts say, is a pretty common part of the healing process, and will probably naturally come to an end. If you find yourself wanting to work alone for a while, that’s normal, and it’s nothing to worry about.

Retraining is worth considering

Lots of people end up retraining for a new field. It’s worth thinking about whether you want to go back to school. Is there a particular field that’s always interested you? If you got some new skills, would that qualify you for work you might enjoy? You might feel like you’re too old to go back to school, or it would be too expensive. But if it puts you in a position where you’ll enjoy your work more, it’s definitely worth considering.

You might be happiest working with people like you

Researchers say that the people who end up healthiest and happiest after a career change are often those who move into an industry or field where they can work with people more like themselves. (Like, a trans woman working with other trans people, or a First Nation woman working with other Indigenous people.) If this is something you’re considering, it’s a really good idea to start building your network of people like you. Find out where they work and what they do. Ask if they like it. Ask how they got into it. Ask if there are any job openings.

Canada has a lot of laws aiming at protecting people who experience workplace sexual harassment. To know which ones apply to you, you need to know whether you are a provincially regulated worker or a federally regulated worker.

The vast majority of workers in Canada—about 93%—are covered under provincial laws. Those people are protected by the employment laws and human rights laws of the province or territory where they work. Most people are provincially regulated because everybody is provincially regulated by default, unless their industry has been officially designated as federal.

About 7% of Canadians work in federally regulated industries. Those people are protected by the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act. Some people think that the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act cover everybody in the country, but that’s not true. They only cover people who work in federally regulated industries.

What are the federally regulated industries?

There are two categories of workplaces that are federally regulated—the private and public sectors.

Federally regulated private sectors are:

  • banks, including authorized foreign banks
  • airports, air transportation (for example, Air Canada, WestJet)
  • interprovincial/international transportation (for example, railways, trucking companies, marine shipping, interprovincial buses)
  • fisheries
  • telephone, cable systems, and telegraph companies
  • television and radio broadcasting
  • uranium mining and processing
  • grain elevators
  • First Nation band councils (including certain community services on reserves)
  • Crown corporations (for example, Canada Post, Royal Canadian Mint)
  • private-sector firms and municipalities in Yukon, the Northwest Territories, and Nunavut

Federally regulated public sectors are:

  • the federal public service
  • Parliament (Senate, House of Commons)

If you work in one of these sectors, you’re most likely a federally regulated worker. If you’re not sure, you can contact the federal Labour Program.

What legislation applies to federally regulated workers?

The Canada Labour Code

The Canada Labour Code covers all federally regulated workplaces. It sets out federal labour laws, and defines the rights and responsibilities of workers and employers in federally regulated workplaces. Federal workplace laws apply to all employers and workplaces that are the responsibility of the federal government.

Part II of the Canada Labour Code, Occupational Health and Safety, talks about harassment and violence in the workplace. The code defines workplace harassment and violence as “any action, conduct or comment, including of a sexual nature, that can reasonably be expected to cause offence, humiliation or other physical or psychological injury or illness to an employee, including any prescribed action, conduct or comment.”

This definition includes sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic violence in the workplace.

The Canadian Human Rights Act

The Canadian Human Rights Act protects people who are employed or getting services in workplaces under federal power from discrimination. These workplaces are:

  • the federal government
  • First Nations governments
  • Federally regulated private sectors

Under the Canadian Human Rights Act, it’s against the law for a federal service provider or employer to discriminate on the grounds of:

  • race
  • national or ethnic origin
  • colour
  • religion
  • age
  • sex
  • sexual orientation
  • gender identity or expression
  • marital status
  • family status
  • genetic characteristics
  • disability
  • having been pardoned of a criminal conviction

We can’t say this enough. Seriously, we can’t.

You need to build a support network to help you get through this.

When people look back years later, they all say the same thing: their support network was the thing that helped them the most.

Talk with people you can trust to listen and support you

Why do this?

It will help you emotionally process what’s happening. Sexual harassment can seriously mess you up. It helps to talk with other people.

But here’s something that may surprise you. Experts say the best people to talk with aren’t necessarily the ones you’re closest with.

What you’re looking for is someone to listen to you and sympathize with you. Sometimes, the people you’re closest to can’t do that. They might get mad or be overprotective. They might tell you what to do, or insist they’re going to do something. They might have strong opinions, and they might be wrong.

Experts say it’s best to talk with people who will give you 100% sympathy and kindness, and let you make your own decisions.

Don’t talk with people at work (at least, not right away)

Why not?

People at your work can be an important source of sympathy and information. They can also act as witnesses, if you end up reporting.

But experts say it makes sense to wait a little before talking with your co-workers.

There are a couple of reasons why:

  • If you tell someone at work what’s happening to you, they might report it and trigger a formal investigation. Even a co-worker could do that. If you’re not sure you want an investigation, it makes sense to avoid triggering one by accident.
  • They may tell other people. That can lead to you being gossiped about and judged. You could end up getting labelled as “a problem” or “difficult to work with.”
  • They may side with the harasser and believe that you are misunderstanding or exaggerating what’s happening. Experts say that, before you risk talking with people who might react badly, it’s better to first spend some time thinking and talking with people you know will be sympathetic.

Find additional sources for support, even if your family and friends are pretty solid

You might be surprised to hear that experts say it’s a good idea to call a domestic violence hotline or a rape hotline or a mental health crisis line.

That may seem like a strange suggestion, because what you’re experiencing isn’t domestic violence or rape, and you may not feel like you’re in crisis. You may feel like reaching out to that kind of support is overkill, and you’d be taking up services from people who need them more than you do.

But the experts say it’s a good idea anyway. They say it makes sense for you to reach out to people who have been specially trained to provide support. To listen without judgment, to not gaslight or disbelieve you, and to connect you with other resources that might help.

Or, you could find somewhere online to talk with people.

There are lots of websites and online communities where people talk about their experiences of sexual harassment and get support from one another. For example, there are some pretty good forums on Reddit, like the sexual harassment subreddit, the subreddit offering support for survivors of sexual assault, and the rape subreddit. Just be aware that most people on Reddit are Americans, and so any legal or HR advice they give you might not be true for Canada.

Why should you seek out support from these places? Experts say that, if you look for advice and support only from your family and friends, that won’t necessarily go well for you. They can feel helpless and overwhelmed, and that can end up straining your relationship and adding more stress to your life.

It’s better, experts say, to get advice and support from people who are voluntarily offering it, and especially from people who have personal experience or professional expertise. That’s what will help you the most.

If you’re a federally regulated worker and you’re injured or become ill because of something that happened at work, you fall under the Government Employees Compensation Act.

How workers comp works if you’re a federally regulated worker

Applying for workers comp for federally regulated workers is a two-step process. Rather than having its own system, the government uses provincial workers compensation agencies—for example, in Ontario, the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board—to provide services for its workers. So you first make your claim through the Labour Program’s Federal Workers’ Compensation Service at Employment and Social Development Canada. The ESDC office then sends your claim to the appropriate provincial authority.

Only some provinces and territories accept claims for harm to mental health due to harassment or bullying.

 Find out how to apply for workers comp in your province or territory.

[Whistleblowing is] the reporting by employees and former employees of illegal, unethical, and otherwise inappropriate conduct to someone who has the power to take corrective action.

Terance D. Miethe, Whistleblowing at Work: Tough Choices in Exposing Fraud, Waste, and Abuse on the Job, Avalon Publishing, 1999.

For it to count as whistleblowing, you need to be going outside of your own chain of command. If you tell your boss or HR, that’s not whistleblowing; that’s just reporting.

To count as whistleblowing, you need to be blowing the whistle to somebody outside your own organization. That means telling your story publicly, by talking on social media or with a journalist, or reporting it to a body that oversees your employer, like a board of directors or a regulator or industry association.

To count as whistleblowing, experts say the whistleblower needs to be trying to prevent harm to other people, not just themselves. Usually with whistleblowing that harm is environmental or health related (like, if a company is releasing poisons into the air or water), financial (like, if a bank is overcharging customers), and/or legal (like, if a government is spying on its own citizens).

Some experts believe that reporting harassment doesn’t count as whistleblowing, because they think people report harassment to prevent harm to themselves, not others. We disagree. Practically everybody who reports harassment is motivated at least in part by wanting to prevent other people from being harassed. And so we believe that reporting harassment counts as whistleblowing.

Why people blow the whistle on sexual harassment

People who blow the whistle are usually motivated by a mix of moral outrage and a desire to protect others. Here are the kinds of things whistleblowers tend to be thinking when they blow the whistle:

  • Something bad is happening.
  • People are getting hurt.
  • The people who are supposed to fix the problem aren’t living up to their responsibilities.
  • What’s happening is being hidden or covered up.
  • It has been going on for too long and it needs to stop.
  • The public deserves to know the truth and people need to be held accountable.
  • I cannot stand to be associated with this.
  • I cannot live with myself if I am silent about this.

Here are some quotes from real people who blew the whistle, talking about why they did it.

This is far too rampant and I’m fucking tired of it. This wasn’t just about me, it was about everyone in the industry who faces this regularly.

In 2017, a bartender and social media manager at the Needle Vinyl Tavern in Edmonton quit her job and made a Facebook post complaining that one of the bar’s co-owners had sexually harassed her.

My fight was never about just me. My main goal was to make positive changes in the workplace so this would not happen to others.

In 2019, a former corrections officer complained to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, saying he had endured years of harassment by his co-workers at the Manitoba Youth Centre because he is gay.

My intention all along was to speak out against harassment for my own protection, to make the workplace better and safer.

In 2007, a former firefighter complained to the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying she had endured years of abusive and demeaning treatment from her co-workers because she is a woman.

I want to make sure that by standing up for myself, I may be standing up for those who may be gay or trans or lesbian or bisexual in our community who feel they don’t have a voice or who feel that they are oppressed and can’t speak up.

In 2019, an executive member of the New Waterford Nova Scotia Royal Canadian Legion filed a complaint with the legion and the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying he was the subject of taunts and homophobic slurs because he is gay.

What happens to people who blow the whistle

“To run up against the organization,” C. Fred Alford writes in his book about whistleblowers, “is to risk obliteration.”

Here’s what experts say happens to whistleblowers:

  • It’s very common for them to get fired.
  • If they don’t get fired, they get sidelined and shut out at work.
  • Their co-workers turn against them.
  • They are often blacklisted out of their industry.
  • Their involvement can drag on for years, and take way more time and money than they expected.
  • Their families get mad at them for putting a “cause” ahead of the family, and their primary relationship—spouse, partner—often breaks down.
  • Their mental health suffers, often seriously. Many end up suffering from depression or alcoholism. Many consider suicide.
  • They suffer both short-term and long-term financial problems.
  • They end up taking a job that’s significantly worse than the one they used to have.

Here, in their own words, is what people say happened to them after they blew the whistle.

When you blow the whistle, you become poison to the company. Your presence makes them sick.

Unnamed whistleblower, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford.

Since I complained the men gather and talk about me and say the ‘little bitch’ won’t be happy till someone is fired.

A heavy equipment operator at a fly-in camp at the Mary River Mine in Nunavut complaining about sexual harassment in 2018.

I was expecting retribution within the unit. I wasn’t expecting that when it got to the senior executive arm of the military, when the higher levels stepped in, that they wouldn’t support me.

A former civilian employee at the Department of National Defence filed a grievance reporting sexual and racial harassment and was suspended and later fired.

It’s taken years and it’s taken our entire livelihood. I’ve already spent nearly $60,000 out of pocket for a human rights tribunal that hasn’t even started.

A former Toronto police officer talking about the financial and human cost of pursuing complaints against her fellow officers before the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.

If you blow the whistle, there’s a chance you could get sued for defamation

If you say bad things about a person or a business, they might sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s or company’s reputation.

Anybody can file a defamation case. They don’t have to have a good case; they just need enough money to pay a lawyer.

Do whistleblowers regret blowing the whistle?

I think I was crazy to blow the whistle. Only I don’t think I ever had a choice. It was speak up or stroke out.

Whistleblower John Brown, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford

If a whistleblower could go back in time, knowing exactly how everything would play out, would they still blow the whistle? Researchers say yes. Practically all whistleblowers say they would blow the whistle all over again, even if they knew exactly what would happen afterward.

That doesn’t mean they don’t regret it. Many do. The losses they’ve suffered are serious.

So why would they do it again? The experts say it’s because whistleblowers strongly believe in duty and responsibility. They just could not live with themselves, knowing about an injustice that was hurting people and was being ignored, if they didn’t at least try to do something about it.

That is part of why whistleblowing is so hard on people. Because they’re idealistic, and what happens afterward causes them to lose faith in their bosses, their co-workers, their family and friends, and the justice system.

From C. Fred Alford’s book Whistleblowers, here is a list of what Alford says whistleblowers believed before they blew the whistle, which they had to let go of afterward:

  • That law and justice can be relied upon.
  • That the individual will not be sacrificed for the sake of the group.
  • That your friends will be loyal even if your co-workers aren’t.
  • That the organization is not fundamentally immoral.
  • That someone, somewhere, who is in charge knows, cares, and will do the right thing.
  • That the truth matters, and someone will want to know it.
  • That if one is right and persistent, things will turn out all right in the end.
  • That even if they don’t turn out all right, other people will know and understand.
  • That the family is a haven in a heartless world, and your spouse and children will not abandon you.

How to decide whether to blow the whistle

We can’t tell you whether blowing the whistle is right for you. It’s a very personal decision.

Here’s what we can say.

Blowing the whistle is unlikely to get you justice.

But for some people blowing the whistle is the right answer anyway.

If you’re the kind of person who would blow the whistle, you probably know it already. If you’re not sure, ask yourself how you feel about these statements:

It’s important to tell the truth.
It’s important to keep your promises.
I have a strong sense of personal responsibility.
The real test of character is doing the right thing even when it’s hard.
To remain silent in the face of injustice is cowardly.
I couldn’t live with myself if I behaved without honour.
I couldn’t bear to associate with people who don’t live up to their obligations.
Privilege comes with responsibility, and responsibility requires accountability.
Integrity means doing the right thing, even if you end up being punished for it.
Important

This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you. 

The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario and what it does

The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario (HRTO) is an arm’s-length agency of the provincial government where you can file a formal complaint saying you’ve been sexually harassed. One law that protects you from discrimination is the Ontario Human Rights Code. Sexual harassment under the code is a type of discrimination based on sex. If your complaint falls within the commission’s jurisdiction, it will accept it for processing.

When you think about filing a complaint, you might imagine a process that ends in an adjudicator definitively ruling that what happened to you was either right or wrong. But in reality, that almost never happens. In 2022-23, almost half of the roughly 3,400 cases the OHRT closed were dismissed by the tribunal; of the ones that weren’t, only 33 were decided on their merits, and in about half of those no discrimination was found. The majority of cases are settled through mediation, not by an adjudicator.

We’re not saying don’t make a complaint to the tribunal, but it’s very unlikely the outcome will be a public acknowledgement of the fact that you were harassed. If you think you would be satisfied with a private settlement, which could involve such things as money to compensate you for the harm you experienced, an apology or a job reference, then having your complaint mediated could be right for you.

Facts about the HRTO

  • Every year, about 550 people file a complaint with the tribunal saying they have been discriminated against or harassed on the basis of their sex.
  • Most of the complaints filed with the HRTO never get formally decided by the tribunal. If they’re not settled through mediation, almost 80% are abandoned before a trial for reasons that have to do the process taking so long—usually many years. 
  • When the tribunal decides that someone was discriminated against or harassed, it sometimes gives them an award of money as compensation for financial losses they suffered or the hurt and loss of dignity they experienced. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award, but it is seldom over $30,000.
  • Sources: Tribunals Ontario 2022-23 Annual Report; Tribunal Watch; Human Rights Legal Support Centre

Why consider filing a complaint with the tribunal

If you decide to file a complaint with the tribunal, here are a few things you may get out of the process:

  • It could be a chance to tell the harasser what they did is not okay.
  • You might get back money you lost because of the harassment—maybe you didn’t get a special project or a promotion, or were fired.
  • You might get your job back or get a reference for a new one.
  • You could request that your workplace make changes that would affect everyone there, not just you, like improving employee policies and training around sexual harassment.
  • It is possible you might get some money to recognize the emotional harm you suffered from the harassment.

How to make a complaint to the tribunal

To file a complaint for yourself you must complete Form 1. If someone like a lawyer or paralegal is filing for you, they should fill out Form 1G. The tribunal has a very comprehensive applicant’s guide to filing an application that will be useful, though a bit technical. A better option might be the information on the Human Rights Legal Support Centre website. 

The HRLSC, which is funded by the Ontario government and is not part of the tribunal, can help you with the tribunal process. Start with its online questionnaire, which lets you figure out whether you’ve been discriminated against under the Ontario Human Rights Code. If it seems that you have, the HRLSC can give you guidance on completing and filing an application and provide you with legal advice and assistance; sometimes this can include assigning you a lawyer to represent you at mediation or a hearing.

You can file an application against anybody who is sexually harassing you at work—your employer, a co-worker, a supervisor, a customer, or a contractor. In your application, you can also name the company or organization you were or are working for. Even if your employer is not the one who’s harassing you, they have to protect you from sexual harassment and a harassing environment. See How to report sexual harassment to your employer.

Will the tribunal accept your application?

  • You have one year from when the harassment happened to file your application with the tribunal. If the harassment happened more than once, the deadline is one year from the last incident of harassment. 
  • You can file a complaint with the commission if you work in Ontario or if the harassment happened in Ontario, but not if you work at a federally regulated workplace. See Am I a federally regulated worker? (And why it matters.)
  • You’re covered if you’re unionized or non-unionized, temporary or permanent, an independent contractor, or undocumented.
  • Even if the harassment happened outside Ontario, the tribunal may take your case if you work for an Ontario-regulated employer and you’re based in Ontario—for example, if the harassment happened while you were on a business trip outside of the province.
  • After you submit your application, the tribunal might decide that the harassment you faced doesn’t relate to a ground of discrimination under the code. In that case, your application will not proceed.

How mediation works

While both you and the respondent—the person your complaint is about—will be encouraged to participate in mediation, no one can be forced to do this. It involves you and the respondent finding a solution to your complaint—something you both agree to.

If you agree to the process, the tribunal will assign you a mediator. Mediators are experts in dispute resolution and human rights law who listen to you and the respondent and work with both of you to come to a settlement. They’re not supposed to pick a side, and they aren’t supposed to favour either you or the respondent. They may explain to you why your case is weak or strong, but they won’t make a decision about whether your complaint is justified. Their goal is to try to reach a solution that both parties can agree to, so your case doesn’t have to go to a hearing. The purpose of this process is not to determine whether you were sexually harassed according to the Human Rights Act. 

The mediator will not tell you what to do but they can tell you the strengths and weaknesses of your case. This can help you decide on a realistic settlement goal or what the outcome might be if you choose to go a hearing.

It can take five months or more from the time you and the respondent agree to mediation for a meeting to be scheduled. When that happens, it will probably be conducted electronically. 

For more information

The HRTO website includes a detailed guide to mediation. You’ll also find how-to guides about preparing for the mediation and hearing processes on the Human Rights Legal Support Centre site. 

Pros and cons of mediation

  • The mediation process is free.
  • Many people participate in mediation without a lawyer or paralegal.
  • Mediation can be less stressful and simpler than a hearing. It doesn’t involve gathering evidence, calling witnesses, or testifying.
  • You are the one to decide what you will accept from the respondent to make up for the harm they caused.
  • Reaching a settlement is usually faster than a hearing, which could take years to happen.
  • More creativity is possible in mediation. For example, you can’t ask for an apology in a hearing.
  • Everything you say is considered confidential, or “without prejudice”—it can’t be used against you later.
  • There is no risk in participating in mediation. If it fails, you still may have the option of a hearing.
  • Mediation doesn’t give you a chance to publicly say what happened to you or be told that it was wrong.
  • You may not be able to share details of any mediated settlement you reach if the settlement you agreed to includes a confidentiality clause—in that situation you must sign a non-disclosure agreement
  • You may not get everything you ask for—you have to be ready to compromise. 

What you might ask for

Money to compensate you for:

  • The harm to your dignity, feelings, and self-respect.
  • Lost wages.
  • The cost of counselling sessions you’ve needed and/or money to cover future counselling.

Besides money:

  • An apology.
  • Your job back or a reference letter for a new one.
  • A change at the workplace, like including a sexual harassment section in the policies handbook.
  • Your employer having to take a course about preventing and dealing with sexual harassment. 
  • A donation to a charity of your choice as a way of saying sorry.

What are you likely to get?

Details of mediated settlements are private. However, you’ll find brief descriptions of some real-life examples on the Human Rights Legal Support Centre site. In a number of those cases the agreement didn’t involve money at all; instead, the respondents were ordered to do things like take human rights training or create a human rights policy that all managers would have to be trained about. Where there was a financial settlement, no amount was shown. But the types of monetary awards when sexual harassment cases are decided at hearings are a guide. The range is really wide: from $10,000 to $200,000. However, there aren’t very many big awards, and they happen when the harassment was particularly bad and went on for a long time. 

Beyond mediation

If you or the respondent chooses not to participate in mediation or the process fails, it’s possible your case will go to a hearing. First, though, there will be a preliminary hearing where an adjudicator decides whether your complaint can go forward. Many complaints are dismissed at this stage because people have abandoned them.

This happens for several reasons that have to do with the really long time it takes for complaints to reach the hearing stage—if they do at all. 

  • Sometimes people withdraw their complaint because years have passed, and they decide it’s no longer worth pursuing. 
  • Sometimes they decide they want to move on with their lives after such a long delay or they don’t want to relive the harassment.
  • Sometimes the conditions they wanted changed are no longer the same as they were when the harassment happened: Maybe the person who harassed them has left the workplace or the business has changed hands.
  • Sometimes, after years of delay, they suddenly get a notice asking them to do something about their case and they don’t have enough time to respond. This is particularly likely to happen when people don’t have legal help.

Pros and cons of your case being decided at a hearing

  • The tribunal has expertise in harassment. All it does is handle complaints of discrimination, including harassment.
  • The tribunal has the power to say that, yes, you were harassed, and that what happened to you was wrong.
  • The tribunal can order many different remedies. It can award you money. If you were fired or had to quit because of the harassment, it can order your employer to give you your job back. It can order your employer to make a donation to a charity, or to provide anti-harassment training.
  • If you go to civil court instead of the tribunal, you might end up having to pay the other party’s legal costs if you lose your case. With the tribunal process that can’t happen. You will never end up needing to pay the other party’s legal costs.
  • It can take years for a hearing to be held.
  • If you hire a lawyer to represent you, that will be expensive. If you don’t hire a lawyer, your chances of success are much lower. People who represent themselves at the tribunal are less likely to have their complaints found justified.
  • Very few people end up being told by the tribunal that they were harassed and what happened to them was wrong. Tribunal data show that of all the cases that go through the tribunal process, less than 2% end up with the tribunal having a hearing and finding in favour of the person who was harassed. 
  • Tribunal financial awards are usually fairly small. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award you, but awards are generally under $30,000. The amount of an award is affected by how severe the harassment was and how long it went on. And remember, with most tribunal cases, people don’t end up receiving any money at all.
  • If you choose the tribunal process, you may close the door to other legal options.
  • Even if the tribunal awards you money or other things, that doesn’t mean you will necessarily get them. It can be hard to force your employer or the harasser to give you everything the tribunal ordered, or what you agreed to in mediation.
  • Like in any legal process, your opponents will try to undermine your credibility and make you look bad. You could end up feeling disbelieved and unsupported.
  • Some psychologists believe it’s a bad idea for people who have experienced sexual harassment to get involved in any legal process. They say legal processes can slow down your ability to heal emotionally from what happened to you, because they keep you focused on the past. These experts believe that it can be healthier for the person who experienced harassment to put the past behind them and focus on their present and future.

If your case goes ahead

You can find out more about the preparing for a hearing on the Human Rights Legal Support Centre’s website. 

This helpful video from the tribunal illustrates what happens at a hearing.

While theoretically it is possible to proceed with a complaint representing yourself, this is very challenging, time consuming, and potentially harmful to your mental health. Your chances of success are much greater with legal help.

Here are some places that offer free or lower-cost legal services:

  • The HRLSC provides free legal help and support to people throughout Ontario who have been discriminated against, including those who have been sexually harassed. It offers services in 140 languages, including Cree, Oji-Cree, Mohawk, and Ojibway. It can help with applications to the Human Rights Tribunal and may be able to assist with representation at the tribunal and other aspects of the process, though this is not guaranteed. The type of assistance that the HRLSC will be able to give you is decided on a case-by-case basis. 
  • Legal Aid Ontario funds over 70 community and specialty legal clinics, many of which provide employment law services. These can include assisting with complaints to the tribunal, including complaints relating to workplace sexual harassment. The specialty clinics serve Toronto clients based on their identity—Aboriginal Legal Services, the Black Legal Action Centre, Centre for Spanish-Speaking Peoples, for example. Legal Aid is only for those with low incomes; in 2024, the maximum income for one person to access clinic services was just under $23,000. Find a legal clinic here.
  • Pro Bono Ontario has a legal advice hotline. The lawyers there can help you determine what your legal issues are and aid you in drafting letters and basic legal documents. They may also be able to refer you to pro bono and other lawyers; the pro bono service is dependent on your income level.
  • The Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic assists low- and middle-income women-identified and non-binary people who have experienced violence. It has lawyers who can give you advice about your legal options if you have been sexually assaulted or harassed. The clinic’s #AndMeToo project is for marginalized women who have been sexually harassed at work.
  • JusticeNet is a not-for-profit service for those whose income is too high to qualify for legal aid but too low to afford regular legal fees. To qualify you must have a net family income under $70,000, or $90,000 if there are three or more people in your family, and be experiencing financial difficulties. Participating lawyers’ reduced rates vary depending on your family size and income.
  • 211 Ontario is a free and confidential 24/7 phone and text service that connects individuals to services in the province. You can call or text 2-1-1 to be connected with trained professionals to help find support services.
  • Your workplace union, association, or employee assistance program may be able to help you find legal services or cover part of your legal fees.

A “whisper network” is what it’s called when people quietly, privately, warn one another about other people who are dangerous.

A whisper network is different from a report or complaint, because it deliberately avoids people in positions of authority.

You can whisper about somebody and report them, or you can whisper first and report later, or you can do one and not the other. They’re totally separate things.

How whisper networks work

Whisper networks have been around forever. Here’s how they work.

Someone gets harassed. They tell one or more friends. Those people tell other people. Gradually, the harasser gets a reputation and people learn to avoid them.

Some whisper networks are centred around a single workplace. In those, the warnings are usually verbal.

Some are centred around an entire industry. In those, the warnings might be digital. Here are some examples of digital whisper networks:

  • In the U.K., women working in and around parliament made a group chat that they used to warn one another about politicians and other parliamentary workers who had harassed them.
  • In the U.S., women working in journalism made a Google spreadsheet called “Shitty Media Men,” where they shared stories of men working in the media who had harassed them. 
  • Sex workers have been collecting and publishing “bad date” reports for decades, warning one another about violent or dangerous clients. Those reports used to be printed on paper, but now they are usually posted online or shared by email.

The three big problems with whisper networks

Whisper networks don’t reach everybody

To warn somebody, you have to trust them, at least a little. (Because they could tell the harasser or your bosses, and that might get you in trouble.) That means people tend to whisper only with people they already know and trust.

So people who aren’t socially connected are the least likely to be warned. That’s bad, because they are also the people most likely to be harassed.

People left out of whisper networks tend to be:

  • new to the workplace
  • new to the industry
  • younger than everybody else
  • racialized, queer, or have a disability
  • neurodivergent, especially if they have autism
  • not very socially connected
  • not fluent in the majority workplace language

Whisper networks do nothing to make the harasser stop harassing people

They make it possible for some people to avoid harassment. But they don’t stop the harasser from trying to harass people, and they don’t do anything to punish the harasser or remove them from the workplace.

Because of that, a lot of people are critical of whisper networks. But we’re not. Stopping a harasser is not what a whisper network is for. A whisper network is purely for warning people. It doesn’t stop anybody from reporting or taking any other kind of action.

Whisper networks can get you in legal trouble

This is less likely to happen with a verbal network, and more likely to happen with one that leaves an evidence trail, like text messages or social media posts.

If you say someone is a harasser, or did some awful thing, it’s possible that they will sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something about somebody else that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s reputation. It can be something published, which is often called “libel,” or something spoken—in some parts of the country, this is called “slander.”

Being sued for defamation doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen. Defamation lawsuits are getting more common than they used to be because today there is more likely to be a digital trail of the things we say and share.

Read more about defamation in our article about going public.

How to use whisper networks to protect yourself and other people

Here are five tips for making your whisper network work as well as possible.

Recognize a warning when you get one

Sometimes a warning is direct, like this:

“Jacob is a sexual predator. People have been complaining about him for years, but nobody stops him.”

But it’s much more common for them to be indirect, like this:

“Have you met Ryan? You’re gonna want to brace yourself. He’s a very friendly guy.”

Or this:

“I like Dave a lot. But I steer clear of him when he’s been drinking.”

Or this:

“Alain seems really into you. Ha ha. Be careful!”

People will practically never tell you flat out that someone is a harasser.

That’s because they’re afraid they’ll get in trouble. So instead of telling you directly, they will hint.

We’re going to dig into this a little, because some people have trouble recognizing this kind of hinting, and we don’t want you to miss it.

Here’s how to tell if someone is warning you:

  • They’ll probably do it when the two of you are alone together.
  • They probably won’t directly say that the person is a harasser. Instead they may use language that, if you quote them, won’t sound too bad. Like “flirty” or “old school.”
  • They usually won’t give you any facts. (They may know facts, but not tell them to you.) Instead they may say things that are vague and general, like “Kevin has a reputation” or “Everybody knows about Sylvain.”
  • They may talk about how much they like or admire the person they’re warning you about. You can ignore that part. They’re just doing it to protect themselves in case you tell people what they said.
  • Somewhere in what they say, maybe very buried, they will tell you to stay away from a person or group of people. That’s the important part.

A good rule of thumb is that, if someone is taking the time to warn you, then you should take them seriously, even if their tone and manner don’t seem very serious.

Thank the person who warned you

The person who warned you is taking a risk. They’re doing you a favour. You should thank them, so they know you understand what’s happening and won’t report them to the harasser or your boss.

Contribute your own warnings to the network

The more people who participate in a whisper network, the better it works.

People often hesitate to share information with the whisper network because they don’t think what they know is important enough to be worth sharing. But that’s not the right way to think about it. Your little piece of information may not be important. But put together with other pieces, it might be.

Here’s something that happened to someone we know:

At a conference, a man and a woman had drinks together, and then he hit on her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. She told a friend, and that friend told her friends. Once everybody had compared notes, it turned out that the guy had behaved badly with women at conferences several times before. They told the conference organizer. She investigated, kicked the guy out, and banned him from future conferences.

The moral of this story: Don’t hesitate to share information. Harassers want you to be quiet. But you don’t need to be.

Bring new people into the network

This is really important! The bigger the network is, the more it can protect people.

It’s especially important to bring in people who are new to your workplace or industry, who are young, not fluent in the majority workplace language, racialized, queer, disabled, or neurodivergent, and people who are shy, timid, or antisocial.

These are the people most likely to get harassed, and they’re also the ones most likely to be left out of whisper networks. You can fix that, by bringing them in.

Consider shifting from whispering to reporting

If people aren’t reporting sexual harassment at your workplace (or in your industry), there’s probably a very good reason. We’re not here to push you to report if reporting doesn’t feel wise.

But, if someone is getting named as a harasser over and over again, then it’s probably worth considering whether it’s time to formally report.

You shouldn’t pressure other people to report, and you definitely shouldn’t report what happened to someone else without their permission.

But if you’re finding there’s a person in your circles who’s repeatedly harassing people, it’s worth having a conversation inside the network about whether it’s time to report them.

Warning

If you don’t feel safe trying to talk directly with the harasser, don’t do it. Trust your instincts.

The first thing you need to know is that you don’t have to do this.

We’re telling you that because talking directly to the harasser is something lots of people feel pressured or obligated to do. Their employer may pressure them to do it. They may feel like they’re being a coward if they don’t. They may feel like it’s only fair to warn the harasser and give them a chance to change.

But that assumes the person is harassing you by accident, because they’re confused or clueless. Which usually isn’t true.

The truth is, most harassers are doing it on purpose. They don’t care if the harassment bothers you, or they are trying to bother you. That means they’re not likely to stop just because you ask them to.

You still might want to try.

If so, your goal should be to make it clear that their behaviour is surprising and not welcome.

  • It’s okay if the conversation is tense.
  • You don’t need the harasser to agree that their behaviour is wrong.
  • You don’t need to agree about anything.
  • You don’t need to end up friendly.

Scripts that may help you talk with the harasser

Yikes, I am really not a hugger!

Wow, that’s a really personal question!

Hey, that’s a weird joke!

If the person immediately stops—and even better, apologizes—then that’s great and your problem may be solved.

If not, you could try speaking more directly. Like this:

You talk a lot about how I look and it’s making me uncomfortable. I’d like to ask you to stop.

There is a lot of explicit sex talk here and it’s really not my style. I’d appreciate it if you could scale it way back.

The more specific you can be, the better.

You guys make a lot of jokes about me being a woman. It feels aggressive to me, like you’re saying women don’t belong here. I would really like it if you would stop.

When you touch me, it really bothers me. I need you not to do that. I don’t want people at work to touch me like that.

I know I might be the first trans person you’ve worked with. But I need you to stop asking me questions about it. It’s not my job to talk to you about trans stuff.

I find it strange when you give me advice about how to be more masculine. I am happy to talk about other stuff, but I’d like it if we could drop that particular subject.

 Federal Not sure