We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.
Let’s start with sadness.
We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.
Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.
When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.
Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.
People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.
There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.
Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.
Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.
Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.
Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.
Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.
We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.
What can help
You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important
If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.
After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.
Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.
Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.
Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.
Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.
It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.
Understanding your anger
Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:
How could they do this to me?
People are always going to hurt me!
I hate them!
Why did I ever trust them?
The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
What is wrong with them?
What is wrong with me?
No one ever helps me!
They are all idiots!
It’s not fair!
I want to punch somebody!
People are out to get me.
These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.
There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.
Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.
The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.
Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.
There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:
feeling hurt
not having your expectations met
not having your needs met
If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.
It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.
Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.
What can help
Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important
Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.
Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.
After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.
Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:
Trust in the person who harassed you.
Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
What you thought you knew about others.
What you thought you knew about yourself.
Faith or confidence in the justice system.
Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
Comfort in your own body.
Your job or job stability.
Financial stability.
Trust in your own judgment.
This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.
It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.
It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.
You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.
Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.
You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.
You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.
The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.
What could help
It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.
Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.
Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.
Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.
The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta
Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.
While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.
Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.
It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.
Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.
Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.
Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.
Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.
Sexual harassment is usually a surprise. Even when it’s not, it’s really common for people to react by feeling shocked and taken aback.
The first thing you need to know is that it’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.
Some of the things you may be thinking:
I can’t believe this happened.
I’m probably misremembering what happened.
Nothing happened.
I don’t know why I’m upset.
What just happened?
Am I sure that just happened?
I can’t believe this happened again.
I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.
Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.
These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.
Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.
So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.
Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.
When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.
It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.
The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.
If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.
Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.
What can help
Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important
Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.
It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important
Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.
How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal
If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:
Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a safe workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.
Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society in Canada that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.
We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace. When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we are supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
When someone is harassed, the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
When someone is victimized, we don’t judge or blame them.
When people seek help from public service institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.
How being betrayed makes us feel
When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.
I can’t believe this is happening.
This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
I feel so let down.
I feel like I’ve been so naive.
How could I have been so stupid?
I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
How can people be so awful?
I knew I couldn’t trust them.
I knew nobody would help me.
This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
This sucks.
We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.
If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure
This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.
It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.
It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.
It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.
In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.
In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.
When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.
We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.
If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.
You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.
That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.
If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed
These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.
Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:
the person who harassed you
your boss
other senior people at your work
HR
your co-workers
your family or friends
your professional community
the police
health care professionals
the legal system
your community
your entire nation
The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.
As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.
If you don’t feel surprised
What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?
If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
If we’re 2SLGBTQIA+, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.
And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.
If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.
If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.
What to do about these feelings
It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.
This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.
It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.
You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.
When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.
Can I be honest and real with this person?
After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
Does this person seem to really understand me?
Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?
If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.
Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.
Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.
Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.
Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.
Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.
While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.
Welcome to the new you
Betrayal has reshaped your world.
You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.
Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.
But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.
You may want to consider these statements.
I want to be able to be honest and real.
I want to feel uplifted.
I want to feel close.
I want to be understood.
I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
I want to feel capable of positive change.
I want to grow in important ways.
I want to feel a sense of belonging.
I want to be supported.
If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
I want to be free to be myself.
I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
I want to be seen and appreciated.
I want to be curious about what comes next.
I want to be inspired.
Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.
Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.
You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.
But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.
You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.
If you’re reading this article, we’re guessing you’ve been harassed and you’re thinking about it a lot. When we’ve interviewed people, they’ve described themselves as “obsessing” or “ruminating” about the harassment. Maybe that’s true for you.
We’re going to ask you to do something that may seem a little weird.
We’re going to ask you to pretend for a moment that the harassment never happened. Just put it out of your head.
Then take a couple of minutes and think about these questions. We’re not going to ask you to do anything with the answers. We’re just asking you to think.
What do you like about your current job, and what do you dislike?
When you think about yourself five or 10 years from now, what job do you hope you’ll have?
What plans do you have to get there?
Now, try asking yourself these questions:
What’s the obvious next step in my career?
If I got a really great promotion, something that would make my friends and family really proud, what would that job be?
In a complete fantasy world, where I could do anything, what’s a job that I might find incredibly satisfying, where other people might be surprised to see me in it?
Now take a minute to think about what kinds of jobs you like.
Do you like stability and security, or do you prefer novelty and fun and excitement?
Do you like a job that’s calm and steady, or do you prefer time pressure and a fast pace?
Do you like to work alone, or do you prefer being part of a team?
Do you want work–life balance, or is work your number one priority?
Do you want to feel like your work is making the world a better place, or do you want to be creative, solve challenging problems, make a lot of money, or have power and authority?
Why are we asking you these questions?
Because sexual harassment has a way of pulling people off track and making them forget their own goals.
It totally makes sense. You didn’t ask to be harassed, you weren’t expecting it, and you probably don’t have a plan for handling it. So it makes sense that it would be an “interrupting” kind of event, and you’d need to drop everything else to figure out how to handle it.
That’s okay and normal and fine, for a while. But there comes a point where you are going to want it to stop.
If the harasser can drag you off course and force you to spend tons of time thinking about them and how to handle the harassment—well, then we think the harasser kind of wins. You’re all tied up in knots and running around in circles and meanwhile they’re…totally fine.
We want you to win.
So we want to make this super clear.
The number one way to protect your career is to stay focused on your career.
That’s what we want for you.
How to protect your career if you’ve reported the harassment
It might feel hard to focus on your work while you’re being harassed. We get that. It is hard. So here are some tips.
If you’ve reported the harassment, as soon as you can afterward, try to find opportunities to talk with your boss about other things
It doesn’t really matter what you talk about. The point is to have some normal, ordinary conversations with your boss that are not about the harassment. Your goal is to show them that you’re the same person you were before you reported the harassment, so you can have a normal working relationship where they don’t feel awkward around you. So they can see you more like “Alex, my employee,” and less like “Alex, who’s created a huge problem for me and the company.”
Try to discourage other people from pigeonholing you as “that person who got sexually harassed”
You can develop some scripts for this. Like, “I don’t really want to talk or think about the harassment too much; let’s talk about something else.” Or “I reported the harassment and now for me it’s basically over. It’s between him and the company now, it’s got nothing to do with me.” Or “To me, getting harassed was just a bad thing that happened, like a car crash or getting robbed. I would really like to just move on.”
Try to discourage people from imagining the situation as a personal dispute between you and the harasser
You can develop scripts for this too. Like, “Before this happened, I hardly knew that guy. I barely even knew his name.” Or “I have no idea why someone would do something like that. I was just doing my job and then, out of nowhere, he did that. It’s so weird.” Or “I actually don’t really have an opinion on what the company should do about him. I’m not a harassment expert or an HR person, so how would I know?”
Try to refocus people on thinking about you as a worker, an employee, with goals and hopes and dreams
This is really important. Try to seek out people who you think might be able to help you with your career, either at your job or outside it. Be open with them about your hopes and dreams for your work. Encourage them to tell you about opportunities, to recommend you for jobs, to tell other people you’re great. Other people can help your career a lot, but they can’t do it unless they know what you want.
That’s our advice.
If none of it is working and things are going badly for you, then we want to seriously advise you to consider job hunting. Sometimes getting a new job is the best way to protect your career—and if that’s true for you, it’s better to start looking early, before your career gets too messed up.
How to protect your career if you stay at work and don’t report
This one’s easy. If you stay at work and don’t report, your career may not get damaged at all.
In this scenario, the harassment eventually stops, or you figure out ways to shut it down or safely ignore it. You don’t need to change anything significant about your work to stay safe. Nobody gossips about you. And eventually you stop thinking about the whole thing.
Things often do play out this way, and if it’s what happens for you, that’s great. But you can’t count on it.
What sometimes actually happens instead is that you think you’re coping okay, but in reality the harassment is taking up a ton of your time and emotional energy. You’re “fine” (you’re not a mess, you’re surviving), but you just don’t have the time and energy you used to have for your work, and so you do less well at it.
Or, you’re not fine at all. The harassment is grinding you down and messing with your mental health. It happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it. But one day you realize you’re actually kind of a mess.
You don’t want that. So you need to keep an eye on yourself.
We recommend you check in on yourself. You can do it every day, or once a week. Maybe set a calendar reminder. Once in a while, ask yourself these questions:
When was the last time I thought about the harassment?
When was the last time I did something differently because of the harassment?
Is the harassment making it harder for me to do my job?
If you don’t like the answers to those questions, it might be time to start job hunting.
How to protect your career if you quit your job
By now you know that we think quitting your job might be a good way to protect your career.
It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to do it, but realistically, sometimes it’s the best decision.
Researchers have found there are four types of work environments where sexual and gender-based harassment is most common.
Workplaces where most of the workers are men
These are sometimes called “majority-male” workplaces or “male-dominant” workplaces. And there are a lot of them, especially in industries like science and technology, construction and the trades, transportation and warehousing, mining, quarrying and oil and gas extraction, fisheries and forestry, and policing and the military. In these workplaces, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “hostility based.” That means that some people think you don’t belong in their workplace or industry and are harassing you to force you out.
Workplaces where most of the clients or customers are men
This is true in much of the hospitality industry (bartending, serving, hosting). It’s true for sex work. It’s true for some kinds of health-care and personal support work (PSW, nanny, cleaner, personal assistant), and for many jobs in sales, consulting, and business services. In this kind of work, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “desire based,” which means that some people feel like it’s okay for them to behave in sexual ways with you, even if you don’t want them to.
Workplaces where most people are white (if you’re not)
For racialized people, it can be hard to know whether you’re being harassed for reasons related to your sex or gender, or because of your race. Often it’s both. If you’re racialized, a majority-white workplace could be a high-harassment environment for you. This kind of harassment can be either hostility based or desire based, or a mix of both.
Workplaces where most people aren’t 2SLGBTQIA+ (if you are)
If you’re 2SLGBTQIA+, a high-harassment environment for you is any workplace where 2SLGBTQIA+ people make up just a tiny minority, or don’t seem present at all. This is especially true for you if you’re trans, and/or if people perceive you as anything other than male. This kind of harassment is usually hostility based. Some people are offended by your presence (or even your existence), and so they want to force you out, or force you to behave in a way they approve of.
What leads people to change their careers
If you’re being harassed at a workplace like the ones described above, and you’re trying to decide whether to change your whole career as a result, the first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing is very, very common.
It’s pretty simple.
If someone’s getting harassed at work and can’t find a way to make it stop, they will usually consider quitting their job. If they think they’re just as likely to be harassed at their next job, that’s when people start considering a bigger change.
They want to be able to relax at work, rather than needing to always be on guard and suspicious.
They want to be physically and emotionally safe.
They want to be able to focus on their work, instead of being distracted by harassment.
They want to be around people they like and can be friendly with—or at least, to avoid people who are hostile or predatory.
They want to be treated with a basic level of respect.
They want their work to be judged on the basis of their actual performance.
They want normal opportunities to advance at work. To be praised, promoted, and make more money.
They want to be able to be themselves at work, rather than needing to hide or change parts of themselves to avoid harassment.
Here are some real-life stories of people who changed their careers to get away from harassment. Some of them we talked with ourselves, and some are from books or news articles. A lot of examples:
A female software engineer was sexually harassed for more than 10 years while working at big tech companies. She quit the industry and went to work in the non-profit sector.
A female welder was harassed on her first day on the job, and every day after that. After two years she quit, and now she makes glass art.
A nonbinary person held a bunch of different jobs for about a decade and was harassed at all of them. Today, they are self-employed and working alone, doing bicycle repair.
After she transitioned, an auditor at a big accounting firm started getting harassed a lot by her co-workers. She quit and took a job bookkeeping at a 2SLGBTQIA+ hotel.
A First Nation woman became a city councillor and then resigned because the job exposed her to so much racism and sexism. Today she’s an Indigenous advocate and artist.
How to decide if changing your career is right for you
It’s actually a pretty simple trade-off.
The research says that people who change their career to get out of high-harassment environments end up happier but poorer. It’s that simple.
They’re happier because they feel like they can be themselves at work, and they end up working with people they like a lot better than their previous co-workers.
They’re poorer because they often go through a period of being unemployed or underemployed, because sometimes they need to spend money to retrain for their new career, and because their new career pays less. (We explain more about that a little further down in this article.)
So it’s a pretty simple question. Can you afford to make less money in exchange for more happiness?
(Okay, it’s not actually 100% that simple. If you’re working in a low-paid job right now, it’s definitely possible to go back to school and get training and end up making more money in the end. That absolutely happens; it’s not even uncommon. But if you want more money and less harassment, that isn’t always easy to get.)
How to get started changing your career
The first and most important thing you need to know is don’t wait too long.
If you think you might want to change your career, get started early. It’s going to take a lot of planning and a lot of effort, and meanwhile every day you spend in a harassment-heavy industry is going to cost you—emotionally, and maybe even physically.
So you are going to want to start now.
Here are some things to think about:
Trust your own instincts
We want to encourage you to trust your own instincts. If you think it’s right to leave, you are correct. We’re saying this because other people—your friends, your family, professional contacts—may encourage you to stay. If they do, you can ignore them. They’re not in your shoes and they don’t know what you’re experiencing. We urge you to trust yourself. You are the expert on you.
High-harassment industries pay more than low-harassment ones.
This is an important piece of information that a lot of people don’t know. Economists call it a wage premium, and it’s why practically everyone who switches their career to get away from harassment ends up making less money. If you’re considering a change, you need to know this. You should try to save as much money as much as you can now, before you quit. It’s also a good idea to start cutting back your expenses.
Consider independent contractor or consultant work
This is something a lot of people do. But researchers say that, for many people, this turns out to just be a stage that they pass through. Most people, five or so years later, are doing something completely different than what they were doing when they first got harassed.
Unemployment or underemployment is normal
A lot of people, once they quit a high-harassment industry, stumble around for a while before they figure out what they really want to do. It’s normal for people to be unemployed or underemployed for a year or two, or even more. This could easily happen to you. It’s another argument for saving money and doing a lot of planning before you quit.
High-harassment industries have higher status
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: The kinds of careers in which you’re likely to be harassed have higher status than harassment-free environments. Ugh, but it’s true. You might want to think about how much you—and your family and friends—care about status. If you care a lot, that might make your decisions harder.
Wanting to work alone is common
When people leave a high-harassment environment, it’s normal for them to go through a period where they don’t want to work with other people at all. Wanting to work alone, experts say, is a pretty common part of the healing process, and will probably naturally come to an end. If you find yourself wanting to work alone for a while, that’s normal, and it’s nothing to worry about.
Retraining is worth considering
Lots of people end up retraining for a new field. It’s worth thinking about whether you want to go back to school. Is there a particular field that’s always interested you? If you got some new skills, would that qualify you for work you might enjoy? You might feel like you’re too old to go back to school, or it would be too expensive. But if it puts you in a position where you’ll enjoy your work more, it’s definitely worth considering.
You might be happiest working with people like you
Researchers say that the people who end up healthiest and happiest after a career change are often those who move into an industry or field where they can work with people more like themselves. (Like, a trans woman working with other trans people, or a First Nation woman working with other Indigenous people.) If this is something you’re considering, it’s a really good idea to start building your network of people like you. Find out where they work and what they do. Ask if they like it. Ask how they got into it. Ask if there are any job openings.
Canada has a lot of laws aiming at protecting people who experience workplace sexual harassment. To know which ones apply to you, you need to know whether you are a provincially regulated worker or a federally regulated worker.
The vast majority of workers in Canada—about 93%—are covered under provincial laws. Those people are protected by the employment laws and human rights laws of the province or territory where they work. Most people are provincially regulated because everybody is provincially regulated by default, unless their industry has been officially designated as federal.
About 7% of Canadians work in federally regulated industries. Those people are protected by the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act. Some people think that the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act cover everybody in the country, but that’s not true. They only cover people who work in federally regulated industries.
What are the federally regulated industries?
There are two categories of workplaces that are federally regulated—the private and public sectors.
Federally regulated private sectors are:
banks, including authorized foreign banks
airports, air transportation (for example, Air Canada, WestJet)
First Nation band councils (including certain community services on reserves)
Crown corporations (for example, Canada Post, Royal Canadian Mint)
private-sector firms and municipalities in Yukon, the Northwest Territories, and Nunavut
Federally regulated public sectors are:
the federal public service
Parliament (Senate, House of Commons)
If you work in one of these sectors, you’re most likely a federally regulated worker. If you’re not sure, you can contact the federal Labour Program.
What legislation applies to federally regulated workers?
The Canada Labour Code
The Canada Labour Code covers all federally regulated workplaces. It sets out federal labour laws, and defines the rights and responsibilities of workers and employers in federally regulated workplaces. Federal workplace laws apply to all employers and workplaces that are the responsibility of the federal government.
Part II of the Canada Labour Code, Occupational Health and Safety, talks about harassment and violence in the workplace. The code defines workplace harassment and violence as “any action, conduct or comment, including of a sexual nature, that can reasonably be expected to cause offence, humiliation or other physical or psychological injury or illness to an employee, including any prescribed action, conduct or comment.”
This definition includes sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic violence in the workplace.
The Canadian Human Rights Act
The Canadian Human Rights Act protects people who are employed or getting services in workplaces under federal power from discrimination. These workplaces are:
the federal government
First Nations governments
Federally regulated private sectors
Under the Canadian Human Rights Act, it’s against the law for a federal service provider or employer to discriminate on the grounds of:
race
national or ethnic origin
colour
religion
age
sex
sexual orientation
gender identity or expression
marital status
family status
genetic characteristics
disability
having been pardoned of a criminal conviction
We can’t say this enough. Seriously, we can’t.
You need to build a support network to help you get through this.
When people look back years later, they all say the same thing: their support network was the thing that helped them the most.
Talk with people you can trust to listen and support you
Why do this?
It will help you emotionally process what’s happening. Sexual harassment can seriously mess you up. It helps to talk with other people.
But here’s something that may surprise you. Experts say the best people to talk with aren’t necessarily the ones you’re closest with.
What you’re looking for is someone to listen to you and sympathize with you. Sometimes, the people you’re closest to can’t do that. They might get mad or be overprotective. They might tell you what to do, or insist they’re going to do something. They might have strong opinions, and they might be wrong.
Experts say it’s best to talk with people who will give you 100% sympathy and kindness, and let you make your own decisions.
Don’t talk with people at work (at least, not right away)
Why not?
People at your work can be an important source of sympathy and information. They can also act as witnesses, if you end up reporting.
But experts say it makes sense to wait a little before talking with your co-workers.
There are a couple of reasons why:
If you tell someone at work what’s happening to you, they might report it and trigger a formal investigation. Even a co-worker could do that. If you’re not sure you want an investigation, it makes sense to avoid triggering one by accident.
They may tell other people. That can lead to you being gossiped about and judged. You could end up getting labelled as “a problem” or “difficult to work with.”
They may side with the harasser and believe that you are misunderstanding or exaggerating what’s happening. Experts say that, before you risk talking with people who might react badly, it’s better to first spend some time thinking and talking with people you know will be sympathetic.
Find additional sources for support, even if your family and friends are pretty solid
You might be surprised to hear that experts say it’s a good idea to call a domestic violence hotline or a rape hotline or a mental health crisis line.
That may seem like a strange suggestion, because what you’re experiencing isn’t domestic violence or rape, and you may not feel like you’re in crisis. You may feel like reaching out to that kind of support is overkill, and you’d be taking up services from people who need them more than you do.
But the experts say it’s a good idea anyway. They say it makes sense for you to reach out to people who have been specially trained to provide support. To listen without judgment, to not gaslight or disbelieve you, and to connect you with other resources that might help.
Or, you could find somewhere online to talk with people.
There are lots of websites and online communities where people talk about their experiences of sexual harassment and get support from one another. For example, there are some pretty good forums on Reddit, like the sexual harassment subreddit, the subreddit offering support for survivors of sexual assault, and the rape subreddit. Just be aware that most people on Reddit are Americans, and so any legal or HR advice they give you might not be true for Canada.
Why should you seek out support from these places? Experts say that, if you look for advice and support only from your family and friends, that won’t necessarily go well for you. They can feel helpless and overwhelmed, and that can end up straining your relationship and adding more stress to your life.
It’s better, experts say, to get advice and support from people who are voluntarily offering it, and especially from people who have personal experience or professional expertise. That’s what will help you the most.
How workers comp works if you’re a federally regulated worker
Applying for workers comp for federally regulated workers is a two-step process. Rather than having its own system, the government uses provincial workers compensation agencies—for example, in Ontario, the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board—to provide services for its workers. So you first make your claim through the Labour Program’s Federal Workers’ Compensation Service at Employment and Social Development Canada. The ESDC office then sends your claim to the appropriate provincial authority.
[Whistleblowing is] the reporting by employees and former employees of illegal, unethical, and otherwise inappropriate conduct to someone who has the power to take corrective action.
Terance D. Miethe, Whistleblowing at Work: Tough Choices in Exposing Fraud, Waste, and Abuse on the Job, Avalon Publishing, 1999.
For it to count as whistleblowing, you need to be going outside of your own chain of command. If you tell your boss or HR, that’s not whistleblowing; that’s just reporting.
To count as whistleblowing, you need to be blowing the whistle to somebody outside your own organization. That means telling your story publicly, by talking on social media or with a journalist, or reporting it to a body that oversees your employer, like a board of directors or a regulator or industry association.
To count as whistleblowing, experts say the whistleblower needs to be trying to prevent harm to other people, not just themselves. Usually with whistleblowing that harm is environmental or health related (like, if a company is releasing poisons into the air or water), financial (like, if a bank is overcharging customers), and/or legal (like, if a government is spying on its own citizens).
Some experts believe that reporting harassment doesn’t count as whistleblowing, because they think people report harassment to prevent harm to themselves, not others. We disagree. Practically everybody who reports harassment is motivated at least in part by wanting to prevent other people from being harassed. And so we believe that reporting harassment counts as whistleblowing.
Why people blow the whistle on sexual harassment
People who blow the whistle are usually motivated by a mix of moral outrage and a desire to protect others. Here are the kinds of things whistleblowers tend to be thinking when they blow the whistle:
Something bad is happening.
People are getting hurt.
The people who are supposed to fix the problem aren’t living up to their responsibilities.
What’s happening is being hidden or covered up.
It has been going on for too long and it needs to stop.
The public deserves to know the truth and people need to be held accountable.
I cannot stand to be associated with this.
I cannot live with myself if I am silent about this.
Here are some quotes from real people who blew the whistle, talking about why they did it.
This is far too rampant and I’m fucking tired of it. This wasn’t just about me, it was about everyone in the industry who faces this regularly.
In 2017, a bartender and social media manager at the Needle Vinyl Tavern in Edmonton quit her job and made a Facebook post complaining that one of the bar’s co-owners had sexually harassed her.
My fight was never about just me. My main goal was to make positive changes in the workplace so this would not happen to others.
In 2019, a former corrections officer complained to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, saying he had endured years of harassment by his co-workers at the Manitoba Youth Centre because he is gay.
My intention all along was to speak out against harassment for my own protection, to make the workplace better and safer.
In 2007, a former firefighter complained to the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying she had endured years of abusive and demeaning treatment from her co-workers because she is a woman.
I want to make sure that by standing up for myself, I may be standing up for those who may be gay or trans or lesbian or bisexual in our community who feel they don’t have a voice or who feel that they are oppressed and can’t speak up.
In 2019, an executive member of the New Waterford Nova Scotia Royal Canadian Legion filed a complaint with the legion and the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying he was the subject of taunts and homophobic slurs because he is gay.
What happens to people who blow the whistle
“To run up against the organization,” C. Fred Alford writes in his book about whistleblowers, “is to risk obliteration.”
Here’s what experts say happens to whistleblowers:
It’s very common for them to get fired.
If they don’t get fired, they get sidelined and shut out at work.
Their co-workers turn against them.
They are often blacklisted out of their industry.
Their involvement can drag on for years, and take way more time and money than they expected.
Their families get mad at them for putting a “cause” ahead of the family, and their primary relationship—spouse, partner—often breaks down.
Their mental health suffers, often seriously. Many end up suffering from depression or alcoholism. Many consider suicide.
They suffer both short-term and long-term financial problems.
They end up taking a job that’s significantly worse than the one they used to have.
Here, in their own words, is what people say happened to them after they blew the whistle.
When you blow the whistle, you become poison to the company. Your presence makes them sick.
Unnamed whistleblower, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford.
Since I complained the men gather and talk about me and say the ‘little bitch’ won’t be happy till someone is fired.
A heavy equipment operator at a fly-in camp at the Mary River Mine in Nunavut complaining about sexual harassment in 2018.
I was expecting retribution within the unit. I wasn’t expecting that when it got to the senior executive arm of the military, when the higher levels stepped in, that they wouldn’t support me.
A former civilian employee at the Department of National Defence filed a grievance reporting sexual and racial harassment and was suspended and later fired.
It’s taken years and it’s taken our entire livelihood. I’ve already spent nearly $60,000 out of pocket for a human rights tribunal that hasn’t even started.
A former Toronto police officer talking about the financial and human cost of pursuing complaints against her fellow officers before the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.
If you blow the whistle, there’s a chance you could get sued for defamation
If you say bad things about a person or a business, they might sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s or company’s reputation.
Anybody can file a defamation case. They don’t have to have a good case; they just need enough money to pay a lawyer.
Do whistleblowers regret blowing the whistle?
I think I was crazy to blow the whistle. Only I don’t think I ever had a choice. It was speak up or stroke out.
Whistleblower John Brown, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford
If a whistleblower could go back in time, knowing exactly how everything would play out, would they still blow the whistle? Researchers say yes. Practically all whistleblowers say they would blow the whistle all over again, even if they knew exactly what would happen afterward.
That doesn’t mean they don’t regret it. Many do. The losses they’ve suffered are serious.
So why would they do it again? The experts say it’s because whistleblowers strongly believe in duty and responsibility. They just could not live with themselves, knowing about an injustice that was hurting people and was being ignored, if they didn’t at least try to do something about it.
That is part of why whistleblowing is so hard on people. Because they’re idealistic, and what happens afterward causes them to lose faith in their bosses, their co-workers, their family and friends, and the justice system.
From C. Fred Alford’s book Whistleblowers, here is a list of what Alford says whistleblowers believed before they blew the whistle, which they had to let go of afterward:
That law and justice can be relied upon.
That the individual will not be sacrificed for the sake of the group.
That your friends will be loyal even if your co-workers aren’t.
That the organization is not fundamentally immoral.
That someone, somewhere, who is in charge knows, cares, and will do the right thing.
That the truth matters, and someone will want to know it.
That if one is right and persistent, things will turn out all right in the end.
That even if they don’t turn out all right, other people will know and understand.
That the family is a haven in a heartless world, and your spouse and children will not abandon you.
How to decide whether to blow the whistle
We can’t tell you whether blowing the whistle is right for you. It’s a very personal decision.
Here’s what we can say.
Blowing the whistle is unlikely to get you justice.
But for some people blowing the whistle is the right answer anyway.
If you’re the kind of person who would blow the whistle, you probably know it already. If you’re not sure, ask yourself how you feel about these statements:
It’s important to tell the truth.
It’s important to keep your promises.
I have a strong sense of personal responsibility.
The real test of character is doing the right thing even when it’s hard.
To remain silent in the face of injustice is cowardly.
I couldn’t live with myself if I behaved without honour.
I couldn’t bear to associate with people who don’t live up to their obligations.
Privilege comes with responsibility, and responsibility requires accountability.
Integrity means doing the right thing, even if you end up being punished for it.
Important
This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.
Most people don’t do this. In fact, very few people do.
Why?
It’s a long and slow process. If you hire a lawyer to help you, it will be expensive, and if you don’t, you’ll need to do a lot of work yourself.
And the outcome is sometimes not very satisfying.
Some people hope that, at the end of the process, they’ll be told that, yes, they were harassed, and it shouldn’t have happened. But that hardly ever happens. Fewer than 2% of complaints ever get to a final ruling. The rest are settled in mediation or thrown out, abandoned, or withdrawn.
So why do people decide to file a complaint?
Some people want to go to court and speak the truth in public. Even if their odds of winning are low.
If that’s what you want, the Human Rights Tribunal can be a good choice.
It’s a shorter process than civil court—usually about a year—whereas civil court cases can take several years. You’re allowed to represent yourself, which means you don’t need to pay for a lawyer. And it’s a little less adversarial than civil court.
The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario and what it does
The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario is an administrative tribunal where you can file a formal complaint saying you’ve been sexually harassed. It is less formal than a court, but more formal than many other legal processes. The tribunal deals with discrimination cases. One law that protects you from discrimination is the Ontario Human Rights Code. Sexual harassment under the code is discrimination based on sex.
The tribunal’s job is to resolve complaints. If your complaint falls within the commission’s jurisdiction, it will accept it for investigation. Then it will encourage you to resolve the complaint through mediation. If that doesn’t work, in a few instances the tribunal holds a hearing, listens to both sides, and decides whether you were sexually harassed. If it decides you were, it may order the other party to make amends in some way.
Facts about the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario
Every year, about 1,000 people file a complaint with the tribunal saying they have been discriminated against or harassed on the basis of their sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression.
Less than half those who file a complaint are represented by a lawyer. About 90% of those who have a complaint brought against them have a lawyer.
The majority of complaints filed with the tribunal never get decided by the tribunal. They are either abandoned, withdrawn, dismissed, or settled through mediation.
The tribunal rules on about 75 complaints of all types per year. About half of the time, it finds in favour of the person who filed the complaint. About half of the time, it decides the complaint is unfounded.
When the tribunal decides that someone was discriminated against or harassed, it sometimes gives them an award of money as compensation for financial losses they suffered, and the hurt and loss of dignity they experienced. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award, but the tribunal says it is usually between $5,000 and $15,000.
It usually takes about 13 months from the time a complaint is filed until it is resolved.
If you decide to file a complaint with the tribunal, here are a few things you may get out of the process:
It’s a chance to tell the harasser what they did is not okay.
You might get back money you lost because of the harassment—maybe you didn’t get a special project or a promotion, or were fired.
You might get your job back, or get a reference for a new one.
You could request that your workplace make changes that would affect everyone there, not just you, like improving employee policies and training around sexual harassment.”
It is possible to get some money to recognize the emotional harm you suffered from the harassment.
Pros and cons of going to the tribunal
Pros
The tribunal has expertise in harassment. All it does is handle complaints of discrimination, including harassment.
The tribunal has the power to say that, yes, you were harassed, and that what happened to you was wrong.
The tribunal can order many different remedies. It can award you money. If you were fired or had to quit because of the harassment, it can order your employer to give you your job back. It can order your employer to remove the person who harassed you from your workplace. It can order your employer to make a donation to a charity, or to provide anti-harassment training.
If you go to civil court instead of the tribunal, you might end up having to pay the other party’s legal costs if you lose your case. With the tribunal process that can’t happen. You will never end up needing to pay the other party’s legal costs.
The tribunal process may be quicker than many other legal processes. The tribunal says that, on average, its process takes just over a year from start to finish, whereas other legal processes can take many years.
Cons
Even though, technically, you can represent yourself in the tribunal process, your chances of success will be much higher if you have a lawyer. And the other party will probably have a lawyer—about 90% of respondents hire a lawyer to represent them. People who represent themselves at the tribunal are less likely to have their complaints found justified.
Even though it’s less complex than other legal processes, the tribunal process is still difficult. There is a lot of paperwork to file, lots of deadlines to keep track of, and a lot of rules to follow.
Very few people end up being told by the tribunal that they were harassed and what happened to them was wrong. Tribunal data says that of all the cases that go through the tribunal process, only about 5% end up with the tribunal having a hearing and finding in favour of the person who was harassed. The overwhelming majority of complaints to the tribunal are either abandoned, withdrawn, dismissed, or settled through mediation.
Tribunal awards are considered fairly small. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award to you, but the tribunal says that when it awards money, the amount is usually between $5,000 and $15,000. This amount may be higher for precarious workers. And remember, with most tribunal cases, people don’t end up receiving any money at all.
If you choose the tribunal process, you may close the door to other legal options.
Even if the tribunal awards you money or other things, that doesn’t mean you will necessarily get them. It can be hard to force your employer or the harasser to give you everything the tribunal ordered, or what you agreed to in mediation.
Like in any legal process, your opponents will try to undermine your credibility and make you look bad. You could end up feeling disbelieved and unsupported.
Some psychologists believe it’s a bad idea for people who have experienced sexual harassment to get involved in any legal process. They say legal processes can slow down your ability to heal emotionally from what happened to you, because they keep you focused on the past. These experts believe that it can be healthier for the person who experienced harassment to put the past behind them and focus on their present and their future.
Will the tribunal accept my application?
You have one year from when the harassment happened to file your application with the tribunal. If the harassment happened more than once, the deadline is one year from the last incident of harassment. In certain situations, the tribunal will accept late applications if you can show the delay was in good faith and the late application will not cause significant harm to the respondent.
You can apply to the tribunal if you work in Ontario, but not at federally regulated workplaces, like banks, airlines, telephone companies, and TV and radio stations. If you’re unionized, you must make your complaint through your union. You’re covered if you’re non-unionized, temporary or permanent, an independent contractor, or undocumented.
Even if the harassment happened outside Ontario, the tribunal may take your case if you work for an Ontario-regulated employer and you’re based in Ontario—for example, if the harassment happened while you were on a business trip outside of the province.
After you submit your application, the tribunal might decide that the harassment you faced doesn’t relate to a ground of discrimination under the code. In that case, your application will not proceed.
If you’ve already started a case in civil court, the tribunal will likely not process your application. There are a couple of exceptions to this: if you withdraw the civil case, or if your civil case is dealing with a different issue that is not included in your Human Rights Tribunal application. For example, if the civil court case is only about unpaid wages.
Even if you have another case going on, you still have to apply to the tribunal within one year of the last incident.
If you win your other case, the tribunal may decide not to hear your application. If you lose the case and feel as if the other process didn’t deal with the same human rights issues, you can explain this to the tribunal. It will decide whether or not your case has been dealt with.
You can file an application against anybody who is sexually harassing you at work—your employer, a co-worker, a supervisor, a customer, or contractor. In your application, you can also name the company or organization you were or are working for. Even if your employer is not harassing you, they have to protect you from sexual harassment and a harassing environment. See How to report sexual harassment to your employer.
Important
It is very common for the tribunal to dismiss applications. Your application could be dismissed because it was filed too late, because it’s outside of the tribunal’s jurisdiction, because it is already being handled in another forum, or because the tribunal believes you have no reasonable chance of succeeding. It’s important to be careful when you’re filling out your application, so it doesn’t end up just getting dismissed.
Who’s who
Applicant
When you apply to the tribunal, you are the applicant. That means you are the person who is filing a complaint that you have been sexually harassed.
Respondent
The respondent can be anyone who is harassing you or has harassed you at work—your boss, a co-worker, a customer, even a contractor. You can file an application against both the person who harassed you and your employer for not protecting you. This can be a confusing decision to make, especially if you feel that your case is less about your workplace’s failure to protect you and more about the harasser.
Representative
You and the respondent are both allowed to have someone represent you through the tribunal process. That person can be a lawyer or anyone else you choose. That person is called the representative. If you are represented by a lawyer, the tribunal will generally communicate only with that person, and it will be their responsibility to keep you informed.
Vice-chair
As you go through the tribunal process, you will eventually come in contact with a vice-chair, who may also sometimes be called an adjudicator, mediator, or decision-maker. There isn’t just one vice-chair—there are lots of them. Their job is to lead conference calls about your complaint, lead the mediation process (if you do that), and be the decision-maker at hearings (if you get that far). Your complaint may be handled by multiple vice-chairs: You may have one vice-chair acting as a mediator, and then a different vice-chair as the decision-maker at your hearing.
Mediator
If you agree to mediation, the tribunal will assign you a mediator. Their formal title is vice-chair. Their job is to explain the mediation process to you and the respondent, listen to your stories, and try to help you reach an agreement. They are expected to behave neutrally: They’re not supposed to pick a side, and they aren’t supposed to favour either you or the respondent. They may explain to you why your case is weak or strong, but they won’t make a decision about whether your complaint is justified. Their goal is to try to reach a solution that both parties can agree to, so your case doesn’t have to go to a hearing.
Decision-maker
If your case does go to a hearing, the tribunal will assign you a decision-maker, who is sometimes also called an adjudicator. Their formal title is vice-chair. Their job is to hold a hearing where they will listen to you and the respondent and decide whether your complaint is justified. Very few cases ever get to the hearing stage. When a complaint does get to a hearing, the decision-maker decides it is justified about half the time. If the decision-maker finds a complaint is justified, they will also order the respondent to do various things, like give you money as compensation for what you experienced.
What you’ll have to prove
It’s you, the applicant, who has to show there is enough evidence to go forward to a hearing. Once the tribunal accepts that it can hear your case, you will have to convince it that there was more than a 50% chance that what happened to you was sexual harassment under the code. This is called the burden of proof on a balance of probabilities. The tribunal will use the “reasonable person” standard to decide whether your harasser should have known that their behaviour was unwelcome. This standard looks at and balances what a reasonable person in your position would have thought, and what a reasonable person in your harasser’s position would have thought about the situation.
You’ll have a chance to tell your story—or testify—submit documents, and bring witnesses to the hearing to prove your case. But the tribunal knows that in sexual harassment cases, incidents often happen in secret. So, it’s very possible that you might be the only witness. Also, when you’re being sexually harassed, keeping documents is not necessarily the first thing on your mind. You’ll possibly have to prove your case mainly through talking about your story at the hearing and explaining what happened.
Usually, there needs to be more than one incident. But sometimes, one incident can be so serious that it falls under the definition of sexual harassment.
Just because you didn’t say “no” or “stop” doesn’t mean that what the respondent did wasn’t sexual harassment. Under the code, the harasser either has to know or should have reasonably known that their behaviour was unwelcome. There may be many reasons why you might not have felt comfortable saying anything when the harassment was happening, like a power imbalance between you and your boss, or your fear that you would get punished if you said anything to an important client.
Sometimes, whether a certain behaviour is known or should have reasonably been known to be unwelcome is clearer than others. For example, employers should know that making sexual comments about someone’s body is unwelcome. Other times, it might be less obvious. For example, a co-worker asking you to go on a date (where they do not threaten you or promise you something in return) is likely not going to be considered sexual harassment. But if your boss asks you out, you might feel you’ll be punished if you don’t say yes.
Other important considerations
A tribunal hearing is usually a public process. In most cases, personal information about the cases and their parties may be available to the public and searchable on public internet databases. In some cases, the tribunal allows parties to request a publication ban, which is an order that the tribunal makes to stop the respondent or someone else from publishing your name or certain details about your case.
When the tribunal writes and publishes a decision, it usually includes the full name of the parties. But it will publish only the initials of a party who is younger than 18. If you do not want to have your full name published, and you can provide a good reason for this, you can ask the tribunal to use only your initials in the published decision. This is known as anonymization. You can ask for an anonymized decision at any point after you apply. For more information on how to request anonymization, see the tribunal’s Practice Direction on Anonymization of HRTO Decisions.
If you need some changes in the process to help you take part at the tribunal, request those as soon as you can. You can ask the registrar of the tribunal for accommodations. The tribunal only has to provide accommodations based on disability and you may have to supply more information, like medical documents. For more information about accommodations, see the tribunal’s Accessibility and Accommodation Policy.
What are the possible outcomes
The Ontario Human Rights Code determines the remedies the tribunal can order to try to respond to the sexual harassment at the end of the case if you are successful. There are many factors that affect the kind of, and the amount of, remedies you might receive. One might be how vulnerable you were and how much of a power imbalance there was between you and your harasser. There are two categories of remedies.
Monetary compensation
General damages compensate you for the loss of or harm to dignity, feelings, and self-respect.
Special damages compensate you for lost wages, or for things you had to pay for yourself because of the harassment, such as therapy. Special damages can include the costs you will continue to have, such as future therapy appointments.
Non-monetary compensation
Future compliance, or public interest remedies, can be things like changes to your workplace policies. You could, for example, ask for training for the harasser on sexual harassment policies.
Non-monetary compensation can also include things like your employer giving you a reference letter or taking steps to get you back to a job, either at the same workplace or another one. It can also include transferring your harasser to a different department.
When you fill out your application you can list what remedies you would like in each of these categories, including the total amount of money you think you should receive. Be aware that the tribunal looks at what kinds of steps you took to reduce the losses you faced because of the harassment. This is called mitigation. If you did not take steps to limit your financial losses—for example, by looking for a new job after having been fired—the tribunal may lower the amount of money it will award to you.
If you want to learn more about the kinds of remedies the tribunal has ordered in cases that may be like yours, go to the Human Rights Legal Support Centre website. You will find summaries of cases, with tribunal orders, including cases of sexual harassment.
If you want to learn more about the kinds of remedies the tribunal has ordered in cases that may be like yours, you can search for decisions related to sexual harassment and read full case decisions on CanLII, a free database for legal decisions in Canada.
At mediation, you and the respondent could agree on the remedies above—and possibly more. At a hearing, the decision-maker can only order remedies allowed under the code. At mediation, a settlement can contain whatever terms and remedies you and the respondent agree on. However, usually the mediator will try to help the parties decide on remedies by explaining what the tribunal can and would likely decide if the case does go to a hearing.
The tribunal process step-by-step
Important
The tribunal process is complicated and we’re not going to lay out every stage here. You can find detailed information about the whole procedure on the tribunal’s website.
Another option is the Human Rights Legal Support Centre (HRLSC), an independent agency funded by the province, which also offers extensive and detailed how-to-guides and frequently asked questions sections that cover virtually all aspects of bringing a case before the tribunal. It includes step-by-step directions on every part of the process.
While theoretically it is possible to proceed with a complaint representing yourself, this is very challenging, time consuming, and potentially harmful to your mental health. Your chances of success are much greater with legal help.
You may be able to get help from a lawyer for free. Here are some places that offer free or lower-cost legal services:
The HRLSC provides free legal help and support to people throughout Ontario who have been discriminated against, including those who have been sexually harassed. It offers services in 140 languages, including Cree, Oji-Cree, Mohawk, and Ojibway. It can help with applications to the Human Rights Tribunal and may be able to assist with representation at the tribunal and other aspects of the process, though this is not guaranteed. The type of assistance that the HRLSC will be able to give you is decided on a case-by-case basis. The HRLSC also has a team to offer people who have been sexually harassed legal information on what steps, if any, they might take regarding their case. It is known as the Sexual Harassment and Resource Exchange (SHARE)team.
Legal Aid Ontario funds over 70 community and specialty legal clinics, many of which provide employment law services. These can include assisting with complaints to the tribunal, including complaints relating to workplace sexual harassment. The specialty clinics serve Toronto clients based on their identity—Aboriginal Legal Services, the Black Legal Action Centre, Centre for Spanish-Speaking Peoples, for example. Legal Aid is only for those with low incomes; in 2021, the maximum income for one person to access clinic services was just under $23,000. Find a legal clinic here.
Pro Bono Ontario has a Workplace Sexual Harassment Hotline. The lawyers there can help you determine what your legal issues are and aid you in drafting letters and basic legal documents. They may also be able to refer you to pro bono and other lawyers; the pro bono service is dependent on your income level.
The Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic assists low- and middle-income women-identified and non-binary people who have experienced violence. It has lawyers who can give you advice about your legal options if you have been sexually assaulted or harassed. The clinic’s #AndMeToo project is for marginalized women who have been sexually harassed at work.
JusticeNetis a not-for-profit service for those whose income is too high to qualify for legal aid but too low to afford regular legal fees. To qualify you must have a net family income under $90,000 and be experiencing financial difficulties. Participating lawyers’ reduced rates vary depending on your family size and income.
Your workplace union, association, or Employee Assistance Program may be able to help you find legal services or cover part of your legal fees.
Applying
The application is available online on the tribunal website, and all the forms are there as well.You can also ask the tribunal to mail you copies of the forms if you have trouble downloading them or don’t have access to a computer or printer. There is also an Applicant’s Guide. The forms are available in English and French. If you need accessible forms or have questions about other languages, contact the tribunal directly by phone (1-866-355-6099) or email.
The main form you need is Form 1 (the application). Anyone who wants to make a complaint to the tribunal needs to fill out this form. If you are filing a sexual harassment complaint related to employment, you’ll also have to fill out Form 1A. If you are under 18 years old, you cannot submit the application yourself. You’ll need a litigation guardian, and they will also need to fill out Form 4A.
Filling out your application to the tribunal might take more time than you expect. You will need to fill in a lot of details, such as information about your employer; the effect the harassment had on you; the remedies you are asking for; whether you are interested in mediation; the kind of documents you plan on showing the tribunal; and much more. You need to apply within one year of the last time the harassment happened.
You can file directly online, or you can send a copy by mail, email, or fax.
After you apply
After you apply, you’ll get a letter from the tribunal with your case file number. This does not mean that the tribunal has accepted your application. It is just the way it tracks your file. If you are filing your complaint yourself, you must use this number in all future communication with the tribunal.
Process
What this looks like
The tribunal accepts your application
It will send it to the respondent and they will then have a chance to give an answer to it, or response. You’ll also get a chance to give an answer to their response, or reply
After you submit your application, you want to withdraw it
If you want to withdraw your application before the respondent has acted on it, you can. Your case will simply be closed and nothing more will happen. If the respondent has already filed a response and the case is moving ahead, it’s not that simple. The further you get in the process, the more complex withdrawing becomes. See Rule 10 of the Rules of Procedure on exact steps for how to withdraw your application
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews it and wants to defer because another you are involved in another proceeding
If you want to ask the tribunal to proceed with the application, file a request for order during proceedings with a statement of delivery
Forms: Form 10 (Request for Order); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: As soon as possible Once another proceeding has ended, the tribunal must resume within 60 days
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews it and sends a notice of intent to dismiss
To ask the tribunal not to dismiss your case, file a response to a notice of intent to dismiss
Deadline: Within 30 days after you receive the notice
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews and finds that there’s information missing
Complete the application with the missing information and send it back to the tribunal
Deadline: 20 days after the tribunal sends back your application
Mediation
Mediation is the process of trying to settle your case by coming to an agreement with the respondent, who must agree to participate. This process is not to determine whether you were sexually harassed according to the code. Mediation is a way of encouraging the parties to settle their dispute without having to go to a hearing where someone else will decide if the law was broken. This process is optional, but highly encouraged by the tribunal. Remember that, if you settle on an agreement in mediation, this will mean that your case will not go to a hearing. The tribunal will not write a public decision and it will end your case faster. You won’t have to talk at a hearing about what happened to you, or face questions about it.
Mediators are members of the tribunal—the same people who conduct the hearings. The tribunal will assign one to your case. Your mediator will not be the same vice-chair who would be the decision-maker at your hearing, if you end up having one. Mediators are neutral parties who will not take a side before, during or after the process. You or your lawyer can provide information or show documents to a mediator and request they keep it confidential from the other side.
Before the mediation
Process
You might need to do
Receive the notice of mediation, including the date, time and location for mediation
Make a request for accommodation
Make a request for separate rooms so you don’t have to sit with the respondent. You can make this request over the phone or in an email to the registrar
Plan for emotional support, before, during, and after the mediation
Deadline: Before the mediation
Make a request to reschedule mediation—you or your lawyer, if you have one, either must call the registrar at the tribunal or send the tribunal a notice in writing proposing an alternative date that is with within eight weeks of the originally scheduled date
Deadline: Within 14 days of receiving the notice of mediation
Sign your confidentiality agreement
Deadline: Send to the tribunal before the day of the mediation or bring the signed copy to the mediation
If you and the respondent reach an agreement during mediation, you will sign two documents: the settlement agreement and a confirmation of settlement. The settlement agreement will have all the things you and the respondent agreed to. The confirmation of settlement is a document that tells the tribunal that you have settled your case so the tribunal won’t schedule a hearing.
After the mediation
Process
You might need to do
Sign the settlement agreement
If you reached agreement, sign the agreement
Form: Form 25 (Confirmation of Settlement) Deadline: Within 10 days after you agree on the settlement
Sign a settlement that includes a “confidentiality clause” or a separate non-disclosure agreement
Report concerns about your mediator
If your mediator has been discriminatory or has engaged in misconduct, you can report this to the Social Justice Tribunals Ontario—a group of tribunals that includes the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario. If you just don’t like how they mediate, they will not consider this. You will need to explain the reasons for your concerns (who, what, when, where), the steps you think should be taken to deal with the issue, and the result you are looking for. When you report your concern, you should provide your tribunal file number
Enforce the agreement
Send a demand letter
Apply to the tribunal to enforce the award if the respondent breaches settlement
Forms: Form 18 (Contravention of Settlement); Form 23: (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: Within 6 months of breach of settlement
File with a court to have the monetary part of the order enforced. Your agreement is a legal document, or contract, and the respondent must follow what it says. This is a complicated process and you should get help from a lawyer to do this
The hearing
You’ve made an application to the tribunal, have chosen not to participate in mediation, or your mediation failed, and now you’ve received your notice of confirmation of hearing. This will tell you the date, time, and location of your hearing. If you have a valid reason for needing to reschedule the hearing date, tell the registrar, in writing, and suggest a new date within 12 weeks after the original hearing date. This must be done within 14 days of receiving the notice of confirmation of hearing.
The tribunal can hold hearings in person, in writing, by phone, and by other electronic means if it thinks it is appropriate. A party may object to the hearing format and the vice-chair will consider the party’s arguments, and decide whether the hearing format chosen by the tribunal is appropriate.
Your notice of confirmation of hearing will also tell you the date of your case management conference call. The tribunal will schedule this call with all the parties to discuss the hearing and try to simplify what comes next. It is scheduled approximately 30 days before the hearing. A vice-chair will be assigned to run your call. During the call, the vice-chair will explain how the hearing will go and will address any of the remaining issues before the hearing.
Now it’s time to prepare, if you don’t have a lawyer to represent you. Mostly, you will want to get your evidence and arguments ready.
Preparing for the hearing
Things to do
You might want to do
File witness statements with respondent and tribunal
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: 45 calendar days before the hearing
If a witness does not want to attend, get a signed summons to witness from the tribunal and send it to the witness
Form: Form 24 (Summons to Witness) Deadline: Before the hearing
Review all the respondent’s witness statements and documents. Identify gaps and inconsistencies. Prepare cross-examination questions
Deadline: Before the hearing
If you don’t think the respondent’s witnesses should attend the hearing, file a request for an order during proceedings
Tell all your witnesses the date, time, and location of the hearing and arrange when and how you will meet them
Deadline: As soon as you get the notice of confirmation of hearing
Request to reschedule the hearing date
Deadline: Up to 14 calendar days from the date of the notice of confirmation of hearing
Create a list of your documents that you have to give to the other side and send to respondent List documents that you want to claim privilege over and send the list to the respondent
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) to the tribunal Deadline: 21 days after you receive the Notice of Confirmation of Hearing
Request an order during proceedings to ask for additional documents from the respondent
Forms: Form 10 (Request for Order During Proceedings); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: None
Send documents you are going to rely on during your hearing to the respondent and the tribunal. This includes witness statements of all witnesses you intend to call during your hearing
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: 45 days before the hearing
Add witnesses that you didn’t include in your initial list by filing a request for an order during proceedings
Forms: Form 10 (Request for an Order During Proceedings); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: Before the hearing
Respond to respondent’s request to provide your privileged documents
Forms: Form 11 (Response to Request for Order);Form 23 (Statement of delivery) Deadline: Up to 14 days after receiving the request
Prepare for the case management conference call by pointing out issues that might need to be addressed before the hearing
Deadline: 7 days before case management conference call
Request any accommodations you need in advance, in writing
Deadlines: Well before hearing
Attending the hearing
If your hearing is in person, it may happen at the tribunal hearing centre, or in another location, like a meeting room at a hotel. The decision-makers—vice-chairs—are sometimes referred to as adjudicators.
This is a helpful video from the tribunal on what happens at a hearing.
If you haven’t taken part in mediation already, the vice-chair will likely offer you and the respondent one last chance to try to mediate. If you have already gone through an unsuccessful mediation or you don’t want to do this, the hearing will begin. Both sides will make opening statements at the beginning of the hearing and closing statements about the case at the very end. The tribunal will receive documents and hear from witnesses about what they know about your sexual harassment allegations.
When the hearing is coming to an end, the vice-chair will review all of the evidence that you and the respondent have presented both before and during the hearing. They will likely reserve their decision, considering it for a while and writing the reasons. This can take several months.
The decision
The tribunal will send its decision to you by mail. You can also get it by email or fax. If you have a lawyer, your lawyer will get a copy. You can search for decisions of the tribunal related to sexual harassment and read full case decisions at CanLII, a free database for legal decisions in Canada.
The vice-chair’s decision will explain how they looked at the facts in the case and how they applied the law from the Ontario Human Rights Code and other cases that were decided at the tribunal. They will state whether your application was successful and whether you were sexually harassed according to the law. If your application was successful, the decision will outline the remedies you will be receiving.
If you are happy with the decision and the remedies, you will need to make sure that the respondent follows the orders in the decision. If the respondent doesn’t do what they’re ordered to do, you can take steps to enforce the decision.
Process
You might need to do
Enforce the decision
Send a demand letter
Apply to the tribunal to enforce the non-monetary award
Forms: Form 18 (Contravention of Settlement); Form 23: Statement of Delivery Deadline: Within 6 months of breach of settlement
File with a court to have the monetary part of the order enforced. The agreement is a legal contract, and the respondent must follow what it says. This is a complicated process and you should get help from a lawyer to do this
Apply for reconsideration
For more information on how to request a reconsideration, see the Practice Direction
Judicial review
If you think the tribunal didn’t follow the law when making the decision, you can ask a court to review the decision
