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Important

Sometimes it can be triggering to read about anxiety. Please pay attention to how you’re feeling as you read this, and take a break if you feel you need to.

Sexual harassment is inherently scary, and feeling afraid or anxious about it is totally understandable.

Some of the things you may be worrying about:

  • Is the harassment going to get worse?
  • What if they won’t stop?
  • What if they hurt me again?
  • If I report it will this only get worse?
  • What’s going to happen to my career if other people find out?
  • Should I report it?
  • Should I try to talk to the harasser, to try to get them to stop?
  • If I manage to stop them, will they take it out on someone else?
  • Did I do something to cause this?
  • What if no one believes me?
  • What if this somehow gets turned against me and I get in trouble?
  • Will I get fired?
  • If I say something to HR and nothing happens, how will I be able to keep working here?

That fear can be self-protective, as it is alerting you to possible threats and trying to keep you safe. Anxiety can affect your sleep, appetite, memory, ability to focus, and overall mood. If you’re feeling really anxious and stressed, you may also start to feel more impatient, irritable, or confused, or have difficulty enjoying things that usually make you happy.

When you’re feeling anxious, you might find it hard to bring a typical level of focus to your work or personal life. You might be making mistakes in a way that’s unusual for you. This can compound the anxiety and lead to an increase in overall stress.

Anxiety can show up in thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical symptoms.

Thoughts: It can be a state of thinking, like thoughts that replay over and over again, or worries—a lot of “what ifs” like the ones above.

Emotions: It can be a feeling you experience that is similar to feeling scared, afraid, tense, or uneasy.

Behaviours: It can make you pace, double-check on things, bite your nails, avoid situations that feel scary, or seek reassurance from others.

Physical symptoms: It can cause physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, trouble breathing, and nausea.

What are panic attacks

  • Panic attacks can be confusing, especially if you haven’t experienced them before. They can occur in your body even at times when you are not “feeling” anxious or having anxious thoughts.
  • It’s easy to mistake panic attacks for heart attacks or other health issues. If you are unsure what is happening, please seek medical advice. Once you’ve been able to rule out other possible concerns, it can be helpful to recognize that you’re having a panic attack and remind yourself that you are safe and okay.
  • The physical symptoms of panic attacks are very real. What you are experiencing is real. But a panic attack is not physically harmful. You cannot die from a panic attack. Tell yourself that, despite how it feels, you will be okay and the panic will go away eventually. Think of your panic attack as a false alarm.
  • You can read more about panic attacks in this article from Anxiety Canada.

What can help

  • It’s important to know that anxiety is treatable. People with anxiety disorders can feel better, most often from the support of health care professionals.
  • Anxiety and fear happen when we feel unsafe. If you’re able to take steps toward safety, you may notice less anxiety as your mind and body adjust to no longer being in as much danger. However, even when you are safe, you may continue to feel on high alert. It can be helpful to remind yourself when you are in a safe environment by saying things like, “I’m safe now.”
  • Often during this time it can be hard to prioritize taking care of ourselves; but while these strategies don’t solve the issue, they can make a difference to our ability to handle the sources of stress. It can be really difficult or even feel impossible to take care of yourself when you’re struggling. Exercise, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, trying to sleep, and spending time with loved ones can all help us to cope better. If this is hard for you right now, we get it. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Instead, pay attention to what you are already doing well, even if it’s something small. You Feel Like Shit is a game that gives tips for self-care. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow Tiny Care Bot for self-care reminders.
  • When feeling anxious, it is common for people to start doing things like drinking or eating more, shopping more, or spending more time watching TV, on social media, or playing video games. If this sounds like you, be patient with yourself and understanding about why you may be seeking distraction. There’s no benefit to judging yourself. If these behaviours are starting to have a significant impact on your health, relationships, finances, etc., be honest with yourself and seek help. Connect with a professional—a therapist, a helpline—or consider small steps you can take to reduce the harms you are experiencing.
Important

If you continue to feel anxious or afraid, consider talking with a professional. A helpline can assist, or your family doctor, or a therapist who’s trained to support people who have experienced work stress, sexual harassment, and/or sexual assault.

Another thing that can be very helpful is to find ways to change your perspective. Anxiety Canada may have some useful resources for you.

We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.

Let’s start with sadness.

We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.

Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.

When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.

Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.

People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.

There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.

Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.

Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.

Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.

Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.

Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.

We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.

What can help

  • You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
  • You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
  • Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
  • Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
  • Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
  • Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
  • If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
  • Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
  • It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
  • Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important

If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.

After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.

Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.

Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.

Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.

Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.

It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.

Understanding your anger 

Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:

  • How could they do this to me?
  • People are always going to hurt me!
  • I hate them!
  • Why did I ever trust them?
  • The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
  • What is wrong with them?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • No one ever helps me!
  • They are all idiots!
  • It’s not fair!
  • I want to punch somebody!
  • People are out to get me.

These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.

There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.

Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.

The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.

Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.

There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:

  • feeling hurt
  • not having your expectations met
  • not having your needs met

If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.

From the Mayo Clinic: Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.

Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.

What can help

  • Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
  • If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
  • Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
  • Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
  • Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important

Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.

  • Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
  • Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.

After being sexually harassed, you may find yourself feeling grief and a sense of loss. This might feel strange and you might not even recognize what you’re feeling at first, because we often associate grief only with death and dying. But we can feel grief any time we experience a significant loss.

Here are some of the things you may feel that you’ve lost:

  • Trust in the person who harassed you.
  • Trust in your workplace or colleagues.
  • What you thought you knew about others.
  • What you thought you knew about yourself.
  • Faith or confidence in the justice system.
  • Safety or a feeling of being carefree.
  • The time you’ve spent trying to process what you’ve experienced.
  • Time spent struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout.
  • Dreams, future plans, or ideas of “what could have been.”
  • Comfort in your own body.
  • Your job or job stability.
  • Financial stability.
  • Trust in your own judgment.

This list isn’t complete. There may be other things that you have lost and are mourning.

It can be hard to know exactly what’s causing your feelings of grief. But you don’t need to pinpoint the exact reasons. It may be helpful just to be aware that you’ve experienced losses, and you may find that the shape of your grief changes and evolves as you come to terms with what’s happened to you.

It’s common for people to mistrust their grief. You may find yourself worrying that you are underreacting or overreacting. If you’re feeling this way, please know that it’s common. Grief is not a constant state. You likely will feel it more intensely at some points in your day and less intensely at others. When grief is at its most intense, you might feel like it’s a wave crashing over you or that you are falling into a dark pit of despair. At other times, your grief may feel manageable, slightly further away or smaller.

You may even feel a numbness, where it’s hard to feel anything. This is often a way your body can help you cope at a time when things might otherwise be overwhelming. When this occurs, it’s possible that your grief can come back up to the surface at a later time. There is no clear timeline for when, how, or how long you will feel grief.

Feelings of grief and loss can often bring up previous losses. Especially if those past experiences are still unresolved. If your grief feels “out of proportion” to the current situation, you may want to reflect on other times you have felt similarly. Your reaction may be partially due to what’s happening right now, but may also be partly due to what’s happened in your past. Understanding this can help to better make sense of and validate our reactions.

You may feel an urge to distract yourself or pretend it’s not happening. You might find yourself thinking, “If I don’t think about it or don’t talk about it, then it’s not happening.” The reality, though, is that ignoring or suppressing your grief tends to make it stay around longer.

You may notice an increase in other behaviours, including distracting yourself with food, substance use, gambling, shopping or other activities that temporarily divert or hide how you’re feeling. This is very common and understandable. But you may want to keep an eye on it, to ensure that attempts to distract yourself don’t start to cause other difficulties in your life.

The truth is, as tempting as it may be to ignore or block your feelings of grief, those attempts don’t help you heal or recover. In fact, trying to suppress the grieving process can ultimately cause more harm.

What could help

It can be important to give yourself space and time to feel your emotions. While you’re doing that, try to be kind to yourself and try to refrain from judging yourself for how you feel.

Try to avoid minimizing what you’re feeling. Depending on your experiences, you may find yourself wanting to dismiss what you’ve been through or the grief you feel. Remember that, although no one has died, there has been a substantial loss (or losses) and that can justify an emotional reaction of grief.

Talk to someone supportive about what you’re experiencing. Try to pick someone who is able to listen without trying to change how you feel or rush you to feel better. It can help to tell the person directly how they can best help you. Often saying things like, “I don’t need you to solve this for me, I just need you to listen,” can be helpful.

Rest. The act of grieving is exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. On the outside it may look like you’re not doing that much, but internally you are doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Grieving requires you to come to terms with how the world looks after you’ve experienced that loss. This is a big task that can take a lot of energy and time. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Although learning that there are multiple forms of rest may sound overwhelming at first, remember that not all of these forms of rest require time; some instead are a change in your perspective.

The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it | Saundra Dalton-Smith MD | TEDxAtlanta

Know that there’s a difference between rest and distraction. Although distraction has a place in all of our lives, it does not provide the same benefits as rest. Pay attention to how much time you zone out and lose track of time. As well, notice how you feel after the activity. If you’re spending a lot of time binge-watching TV, checking social media, or playing video games, pay attention to how you’re feeling before and after. Sometimes it can feel good, or even necessary, to distract ourselves while we’re doing it, and then once it’s over we are back to feeling upset and overwhelmed. If your experience is like that, it might be worth considering other activities that might make you feel better.

While we’re grieving, it’s important to let go of previous standards. Try to be patient with yourself. It’s possible that before all of this happened, you were able to work longer or handle more things at once. You can prioritize what needs to happen and let yourself off the hook for the other things.

Maybe a paid leave is possible—talk to your workplace or your union about whether you might be able to get time to concentrate on your healing process.

It can help to write or create. Find a way to express yourself through journalling, art, dance, singing, or other expressions. You don’t need to be artistic or creative to do this, because you don’t need to create anything good! What’s important is the act of expressing yourself, not the final result.

Check in with yourself about the emotions that may be underneath the grief. Pay attention to what is coming up for you.

Try to avoid “should” statements. Often these statements are expectations we or others have for us about how we should be feeling. Grief is very unique and very personal. Even when two people experience the same loss, their reactions can still be different because they are unique. Rather than judge yourself for how you are feeling, try to notice what emotions are coming up and what this tells you about what you need.

Consider reading other people’s stories. Hearing other people who have had similar experiences can be a helpful way to put into words some of what you’ve gone through.

Please remember that all people have a natural ability to adapt to loss. As difficult or painful as it may be, you are resilient and you can make it through this. Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes it’s to take things slowly, sometimes it’s to push yourself to get something done. Trust yourself.

It’s really common for us to respond to sexual harassment by feeling shocked.

The first thing you need to know is that’s not your fault. The person who sexually harassed you may have actually deliberately done things to make you believe you could trust them and were safe, even though it wasn’t true.

Some of the things you may be thinking:

  • I can’t believe this happened.
  • I’m probably misremembering what happened.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I don’t know why I’m upset.
  • What just happened?
  • Am I sure that just happened?
  • I can’t believe this happened again.
  • I’m fine, this didn’t really bother me.

Why do we feel this way? It’s not that you’re wrong about what actually happened. It’s shock, confusion, and disbelief, and it’s very, very common.

These reactions are often made worse by the reactions of other people, when you tell them what happened to you. Often, people hearing about sexual harassment question or challenge the person who is telling them about it.

Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.

So, why do other people and even we question, doubt, or deny the sexual harassment? Partly because it’s easier to not believe it. Given the choice between accepting that something awful has happened or thinking that someone is mistaken, exaggerating, or lying, much of the time our brains opt to deny that something awful has happened.

Let’s unpack what that struggle looks like.

When someone is sexually harassed, their first reaction is usually surprise. Surprise is quick: It only lasts a few seconds or a few moments. Then shock can set in. You’re left feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and unable to think clearly. It can have physical effects, too—trembling, a racing heart, crying, difficulty breathing, and sudden drops or spikes in your blood pressure.

It can be hard to recognize when you are experiencing shock. If there are people around you who you trust, it may be helpful to ask them if you seem like you’re in shock. If you’re not sure, it might be safest to assume you are.

The other thing that can make this a confusing experience is the timing. Some people experience shock during or immediately after the harassment, whereas for others it can be delayed by hours, days, or even weeks. It’s actually common for people to feel calm or indifferent during a scary or overwhelming situation like sexual harassment. Your brain may be waiting until it feels safe again before it can acknowledge the strong emotions. This can be a helpful survival strategy, but it can also be really confusing, because you may feel like you’re coping just fine, only to feel overcome later.

If you think of emotions like alarms that can go off, this delayed reaction is almost like hitting the “snooze” button when you’re in crisis. This can be really helpful at a time that’s overwhelming or unsafe. However, we can’t necessarily choose how long the emotion alarm is snoozed. It can come back hours, days, weeks, or even months later.

Please be patient with yourself over the weeks and months following sexual harassment. You may feel strong emotional reactions at a later time, especially if your initial reaction is numbness.

What can help

  • Initially, when you’re experiencing shock, it can be very helpful to focus on your basic physiological needs. This includes drinking water, eating healthy foods, resting your body, and regulating your temperature (you may feel cold and shiver, or you may feel overly hot and sweaty). If you know you’re experiencing shock, or if you’re not sure but you may be in shock, it is important to be careful—try to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, because you may be distracted and/or your reaction time is likely reduced.
Important

Medical shock can be life-threatening. It is important to call 911 or go immediately to the hospital if you pass out, or if your blood pressure suddenly drops. You should also seek medical help if the feelings of shock continue or if they interfere with your ability to function.

  • It’s probably a good idea to hold off on making any major decisions. This can be hard if you are thinking about something big like leaving your job. If you’re unsure about deciding while feeling some level of shock, consider talking to someone you trust to help you figure out what will be best for you. It can also be helpful to give yourself a bit of time before making a decision if it’s possible. Sometimes, even giving yourself the night to “sleep on it” can be very helpful.
  • Taking deep breaths can help a lot. If you are having a hard time doing this, rather than taking a deep breath in, begin by trying to breath out as much as you can. Imagine you are totally emptying your lungs. Your body will then instinctively breathe back in. Count to, say, three as you inhale, three as you hold your breath, and then three as you exhale. The exact number of seconds is not important, so long as you feel physically comfortable and are getting enough oxygen.
  • Think about writing out what you’ve experienced. Even if you don’t use this for legal or reporting purposes, recording some of the main facts about the sexual harassment can be helpful for your own sake to remember what happened and believe in yourself. Some people do this immediately after it’s happened, while others may need time before they feel able to do this.
  • Remember that surprise can amplify other emotions. At times, when something is unexpected, other feelings you may have at the time (like anger, sadness, hurt, fear) may be stronger. When possible, give yourself time to adjust before acting on these other emotions.
  • It’s really important to talk to people who validate your experiences. If you’re telling someone you trust and they make comments that suggest they don’t believe you, it’s okay to coach them. You can say things like “I need you to believe me” or “I need you to listen without asking questions.” If you don’t have people in your life who are able to validate your experiences, consider calling a helpline or talking to a professional who has experience supporting people who have experienced sexual harassment.
  • Remember to trust yourself. Even if you’re not responding how you’d expect, know that it can often take time before you’re able to recognize all of the feelings you have in response to the sexual harassment. Trust your perspective. Trust your memory. Trust your feelings.
Important

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to wrap your mind around what happened. Consider journalling, drawing, or other ways to express yourself, your feelings, and your experiences.

How sexual harassment is a form of betrayal

If you’ve been sexually harassed at work, you’ve been betrayed in at least two ways:

  1. Canada has decided it is not okay to sexually harass people. When someone harassed you, they broke that agreement.
  2. Canada has decided employers are responsible for providing their employees with a workplace where they won’t get harassed. By not doing that, your employer broke that agreement.

Here are some other agreements we’ve made as a society that sometimes get broken when it comes to harassment. Some we all agree with, and others are more fragile.

  • We’ve agreed that sexual contact with other people is only okay if everybody involved wants it and agrees to it.
  • We’ve agreed it’s not okay to treat someone differently at work just because of their gender.
  • An employer is supposed to have protections against sexual harassment in the workplace.
  • When somebody is harassed at work, their employer is supposed to take the problem seriously and try to fix it.
  • When someone tells us they’ve been harassed, we’re supposed to believe them, unless there’s some reason not to.
  • When someone is harassed, we’re supposed to understand that the problem is the person doing the harassment, not the person who told us about it.
  • When someone is attacked or abused, we’re not supposed to judge or blame them.
  • When people seek help from institutions like the police or the health care system, those institutions have a responsibility to try to help.
  • When people seek justice from the legal system, they should get it.
  • Everybody deserves fairness and equal treatment.

How being betrayed makes us feel

When people or institutions betray us by breaking the agreements we’ve made, here are some ways we may find ourselves feeling.

  • I can’t believe this is happening.
  • This is so confusing. Why are people acting this way?
  • I can’t believe nobody is helping me.
  • I feel so let down.
  • I feel like I’ve been so naive.
  • How could I have been so stupid?
  • I thought I could count on them, but I can’t.
  • How can people be so awful?
  • I knew I couldn’t trust them.
  • I knew nobody would help me.
  • This is not a surprise to me at all. This is exactly what I expected.
  • What a bunch of lies they’ve told me.
  • This sucks.

We’re going to help you sort through those feelings.

If you feel surprised, weird, confused, or unsure

This kind of reaction is common, and it happens when the situation feels complicated.

It may happen if the person who harassed you has done things in the past to help you, is respected in your community, or is kind to other people.

It may happen if the person is very powerful, or if you are (or have been) dependent on them.

It may happen if the people around you look up to the harasser, or value or respect them, or are afraid of them or dependent on them.

In those circumstances, it can be harder for you to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Because, if you did, you might feel like you need to confront the person, which might not be safe or okay. You might lose the support of people who are important to you. You might cause upset and division inside a group you care about.

In those circumstances, it may be easier, or it may feel necessary, to pretend you weren’t betrayed at all.

When we ignore or downplay a betrayal we’ve experienced, this is called betrayal blindness.

We experience betrayal blindness because we need it. It was—or is—necessary for us to deny the truth of what happened to us so that we could feel safe.

If you’re starting to become aware that you’ve been betrayed, that may be because the evidence of your betrayal has become overwhelming and undeniable. Or it may mean that you have reached a place in your life where now you can feel safe enough to acknowledge what really happened.

You might find yourself cycling in and out of acceptance. You might find things easy to accept on some days, and then on a different day you may find yourself downplaying or denying what happened.

That just means you are still figuring things out. Please know that this is common, and try to be patient with yourself.

If you feel angry, let down, or disappointed

These feelings can help you make sense of what happened. They are a signal telling you who you trusted and who let you down.

Depending on what happened to you, you might feel let down by many people or groups:

  • the person who harassed you
  • your boss
  • other senior people at your work
  • HR
  • your co-workers
  • your family or friends
  • your professional community
  • the police
  • health care professionals
  • the legal system
  • your community
  • your entire nation

The more people or groups that betrayed you, the more let down you may feel. If you’ve been betrayed by entire institutions or systems, that can leave you feeling very alone and vulnerable. It can shake your ideas about the world you live in and make you rethink things you used to believe.

As you grapple with this, you may find yourself feeling like your eyes have been opened. You may feel like, until now, you have been childish, naïve, and overly trusting. You may feel like you are growing up. You may feel a sense of grief and loss.

If you don’t feel surprised

What if your trust was broken long ago? We’re supposed to live in a society that is fair and just. What if that was never true for us?

  • If we’re Indigenous and/or racialized, we may have seen or experienced discrimination since we were very young.
  • If we’re 2SLGBTQIA+, we may have been harassed or abused because of it, including when we were a child or a teenager.
  • Maybe we watched our mother struggle with sexism or harassment.
  • Maybe we have seen—or personally experienced—other forms of harassment or abuse or violence, at work, in school, or in our community or family.

And maybe in those situations, the people who were supposed to fix the problem didn’t.

If we lost trust long ago, it’s hard to feel a sense of betrayal today. Instead, when people let us down, we may just feel numb or cynical. We may just feel confirmed in what we already know—that the system is broken, things are unfair, and there is no justice.

If this is true for you, you may find it very hard to trust other people. You may have decided you can only trust people like you. Or you may feel like you can’t trust anybody at all.

What to do about these feelings

It’s important to be able to tell our stories of betrayal, because telling them can help us make sense of what happened and understand it better.

This is a process. It doesn’t happen right away or all at once.

It can help to tell your story just to yourself. Just writing it down can help. It can help to make art out of it, like a song or a drawing.

You may find yourself wanting to tell other people. That may feel risky because, if they react the wrong way, that could confuse you and muddy things up.

When you’re thinking about who is safe to tell, here are some questions you might ask yourself.

  • Can I be honest and real with this person?
  • After I talk with this person, do I usually feel better or worse?
  • Does this person seem to really understand me?
  • Does being with this person usually make me feel stronger and more confident?
  • Has my relationship with this person helped me to grow as a person?

If you tell your story to someone and their reaction starts to make you feel worse about yourself, or less clear about what happened, it may make sense to stop. It may not be possible for that person, right now, to listen in a way that’s helpful for you.

Know that your story may change over time, and that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means you are still figuring it out.

Look for opportunities to rebuild trust. Not necessarily with the people who hurt you, but perhaps with others. Pay attention to ways in which people can earn your trust. This will look different for each person. Give yourself time to reflect and decide what you need to feel safe again.

Allow yourself to change your expectations without going to all-or-nothing thinking. Notice when you are using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one.” Often these words show up when we are seeing the world from the extremes. If you find yourself thinking, “Nobody cares about me” or “Everyone is dangerous,” remember that there are exceptions to those statements.

Give yourself time to see the world in a new light. Often when we experience significant betrayal, it can change our overall perspective on the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can take time for you to adjust to this change in perspective.

Know that this is hard work, and be patient with yourself.

While you’re doing this work, it can help to do other things that bring beauty and joy into your life. Music and other forms of art can help, as well as religion, spirituality, and being in the outdoors. Baking or cooking helps some people, swimming helps others. Caring for pets can help, and so can meals with friends.

Welcome to the new you

Betrayal has reshaped your world.

You have been let down, and you have suffered losses.

Maybe that led you to want to withdraw from other people and to reject the idea of depending on anyone. Maybe it feels hard, or even impossible, to trust.

But betrayal is not just loss. Coming to terms with betrayal can inspire you to rethink how you see the world, and can help you find your way to new values, new beliefs, new behaviours, and new loyalties.

You may want to consider these statements.

  • I want to be able to be honest and real.
  • I want to feel uplifted.
  • I want to feel close.
  • I want to be understood.
  • I want to be able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I want to feel capable of positive change.
  • I want to grow in important ways.
  • I want to feel a sense of belonging.
  • I want to be supported.
  • If something is bothering me, I want to be asked about it.
  • I want to be free to be myself.
  • I want to not feel like I need to hide parts of myself.
  • I want to be seen and appreciated.
  • I want to be curious about what comes next.
  • I want to be inspired.

Several of these things can come from yourself and self-reflection. Some rely on our connection and trust with others. This trust can take time to establish and is worth pursuing.

Betrayal brings with it a profound new awareness.

You may feel shaken and sobered by what you have learned.

But betrayal, despite how awful it can be, may open up for you new possibilities for intimacy and growth. For safety, loyalty, freedom, and inspiration.

You may still be figuring out how to get there, and that’s okay. You’re on your way.

Pretend for a moment that the harassment never happened. Just put it out of your head.

Now take a couple of minutes to think about these questions.

  • What do I like about my job?
  • What do I dislike?
  • What do I hope I’ll be doing in five or 10 years?
  • What should I be doing now that will help me get there?

Now try these questions:

  • What’s the obvious next step in my career?
  • If I got a really amazing promotion, something that would make my friends and family incredibly proud of me, what would that job be?
  • In a complete fantasy world, where I could do anything, what’s a job that I might find incredibly satisfying, where other people might be surprised to see me in it?

Now take a minute to think about what kinds of work you like doing.

  • Do you like stability and security, or do you prefer novelty and fun and excitement?
  • Do you like a job that’s calm and steady, or do you prefer excitement and a fast pace?
  • Do you like to work alone, or do you prefer being part of a team?
  • Do you want work–life balance, or is work your number one priority?
  • Do you want to feel like your work is making the world a better place, or do you want something else, like to be creative, to solve challenging problems, to make a lot of money, or to have a lot of power and authority?

Why are we asking you these questions?

Because sexual harassment has a way of pulling people off track and making them forget their goals.

It totally makes sense. You didn’t ask to be harassed, you weren’t expecting it, and you probably don’t have a plan for handling it. So it makes sense that it would be an “interrupting” kind of event, and you’d need to drop everything else to figure out how to handle it.

That’s okay and normal and fine, for a while. But there comes a point where you are going to want it to stop.

If the harasser can drag you off course and force you to spend tons of time thinking about them and how to handle the harassment—well, then the harasser kind of wins. You’re all tied up in knots and running around in circles and meanwhile they’re…totally fine.

We want you to win.

So we want to make this super clear.

The number one way to protect your career is to stay focused on your career.

That’s what we want for you.

How to protect your career if you’ve reported the harassment

It might feel hard to focus on your work while you’re being harassed. It is hard. So here are some tips.

If you’ve reported the harassment, as soon as you can afterward, try to find opportunities to talk with your boss about other things

The point is to have some normal, ordinary conversations with your boss that are not about the harassment. To show them that you’re the same person you were before you reported the harassment. So they can see you more like “Alex, my awesome employee,” not “Alex, who created this huge problem.”

Try to discourage other people from pigeonholing you as “that person who got sexually harassed”

You can develop some scripts for this. Like, “I don’t really want to talk or think about the harassment too much; let’s talk about something else.” Or “I reported the harassment and now for me it’s basically over. It’s between him and the company now, it’s got nothing to do with me.” Or “To me, getting harassed was just a bad thing that happened, like a car crash or getting robbed. I would really like to just move on.”

Try to discourage people from imagining the situation as a personal dispute between you and the harasser

You can develop scripts for this too. Like, “Before this happened, I hardly knew that guy. I barely even knew his name.” Or “I have no idea why someone would do something like that. I was just doing my job and then, out of nowhere, he did that. It’s so weird.” Or “I actually don’t really have an opinion on what the company should do about him. I’m not a harassment expert or an HR person, so how would I know?”

Try to refocus people on thinking about you as a worker, an employee, with goals and hopes and dreams

This is really important.

Try to seek out people who might be able to help you with your career. Be open with them about your hopes and dreams for your work. Encourage them to tell you about opportunities, to recommend you for jobs, to tell other people you’re great. Other people can help your career a lot, but only if they know what you want.

That’s our advice.

If none of it works and things go badly for you, then consider job hunting. Sometimes getting a new job is the best way to protect your career—and if that’s true for you, it’s better to start looking early, before your career gets too messed up.

How to protect your career if you stay at work and don’t report

If you stay at work and don’t report, your career may not get damaged at all.

In this scenario, the harassment eventually stops, or you figure out ways to shut it down or safely ignore it. You don’t need to change anything to stay safe. Nobody gossips about you. And eventually you stop thinking about the whole thing.

Things often do play out this way, and if it’s what happens for you, that’s great.

But you can’t count on it.

What sometimes actually happens instead is that you think you’re coping okay, but in reality the harassment is taking up a ton of your time and emotional energy. You’re “fine” (you’re surviving and you’re not a total mess), but you just don’t have the time and energy you used to have for your work, and so you do less well at it.

Or, you’re not fine. The harassment is grinding you down and messing with your mental health. It happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it. But one day you realize you’re actually kind of a mess.

Keep an eye on yourself.

We recommend you check in on yourself every day, or once a week. Maybe set a calendar reminder. Once in a while, ask yourself these questions:

  • When was the last time I thought about the harassment?
  • When was the last time I did something differently because of the harassment?
  • Is the harassment making it harder for me to do my job?

If you don’t like the answers to those questions, it might be time to start job hunting.

How to protect your career if you quit your job

By now you know that we think quitting your job might be a good way to protect your career.

It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to do it, but realistically, sometimes it’s the best decision.

The four types of high-harassment workplaces

Researchers have found there are four types of work environments where sexual and gender-based harassment is most common.

Workplaces where most of the workers are men

These are sometimes called “majority-male” workplaces or “male-dominant” workplaces. And there are a lot of them, especially in industries like science and technology, construction and the trades, transportation and warehousing, mining, quarrying and oil and gas extraction, fisheries and forestry, and policing and the military. In these workplaces, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “hostility based.” That means that some people think you don’t belong in their workplace or industry and are harassing you to force you out.

Workplaces where most of the clients or customers are men

This is true in much of the hospitality industry (bartending, serving, hosting). It’s true for sex work. It’s true for some kinds of health-care and personal support work (PSW, nanny, cleaner, personal assistant), and for many jobs in sales, consulting, and business services. In this kind of work, the harassment is most likely to be what experts call “desire based,” which means that some people feel like it’s okay for them to behave in sexual ways with you, even if you don’t want them to.

Workplaces where most people are white (if you’re not)

For racialized people, it can be hard to know whether you’re being harassed for reasons related to your sex or gender, or because of your race. Often it’s both. If you’re racialized, a majority-white workplace could be a high-harassment environment for you. This kind of harassment can be either hostility based or desire based, or a mix of both.

Workplaces where most people aren’t 2SLGBTQIA+ (if you are)

If you’re 2SLGBTQIA+, a high-harassment environment for you is any workplace where 2SLGBTQIA+ people make up just a tiny minority, or don’t seem present at all. This is especially true for you if you’re trans, and/or if people perceive you as anything other than male. This kind of harassment is usually hostility based. Some people are offended by your presence (or even your existence), and so they want to force you out, or force you to behave in a way they approve of.

What leads people to change their careers

If you’re being harassed at a workplace like the ones described above, and you’re trying to decide whether to change your whole career as a result, the first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing is very, very common.

It’s pretty simple.

If someone’s getting harassed at work and can’t find a way to make it stop, they will usually consider quitting their job. If they think they’re just as likely to be harassed at their next job, that’s when people start considering a bigger change.

  • They want to be able to relax at work, rather than needing to always be on guard and suspicious.
  • They want to be physically and emotionally safe.
  • They want to be able to focus on their work, instead of being distracted by harassment.
  • They want to be around people they like and can be friendly with—or at least, to avoid people who are hostile or predatory.
  • They want to be treated with a basic level of respect.
  • They want their work to be judged on the basis of their actual performance.
  • They want normal opportunities to advance at work. To be praised, promoted, and make more money.
  • They want to be able to be themselves at work, rather than needing to hide or change parts of themselves to avoid harassment.

Here are some real-life stories of people who changed their careers to get away from harassment. Some of them we talked with ourselves, and some are from books or news articles. A lot of examples:

  • A female software engineer was sexually harassed for more than 10 years while working at big tech companies. She quit the industry and went to work in the non-profit sector.
  • A female welder was harassed on her first day on the job, and every day after that. After two years she quit, and now she makes glass art.
  • A nonbinary person held a bunch of different jobs for about a decade and was harassed at all of them. Today, they are self-employed and working alone, doing bicycle repair.
  • After she transitioned, an auditor at a big accounting firm started getting harassed a lot by her co-workers. She quit and took a job bookkeeping at a 2SLGBTQIA+ hotel.
  • A First Nation woman became a city councillor and then resigned because the job exposed her to so much racism and sexism. Today she’s an Indigenous advocate and artist.

How to decide if changing your career is right for you

It’s actually a pretty simple trade-off.

The research says that people who change their career to get out of high-harassment environments end up happier but poorer. It’s that simple.

  • They’re happier because they feel like they can be themselves at work, and they end up working with people they like a lot better than their previous co-workers.
  • They’re poorer because they often go through a period of being unemployed or underemployed, because sometimes they need to spend money to retrain for their new career, and because their new career pays less. (We explain more about that a little further down in this article.)

So it’s a pretty simple question. Can you afford to make less money in exchange for more happiness?

(Okay, it’s not actually 100% that simple. If you’re working in a low-paid job right now, it’s definitely possible to go back to school and get training and end up making more money in the end. That absolutely happens; it’s not even uncommon. But if you want more money and less harassment, that isn’t always easy to get.)

How to get started changing your career

The first and most important thing you need to know is don’t wait too long.

If you think you might want to change your career, get started early. It’s going to take a lot of planning and a lot of effort, and meanwhile every day you spend in a harassment-heavy industry is going to cost you—emotionally, and maybe even physically.

So you are going to want to start now.

Here are some things to think about:

Trust your own instincts

We want to encourage you to trust your own instincts. If you think it’s right to leave, you are correct. We’re saying this because other people—your friends, your family, professional contacts—may encourage you to stay. If they do, you can ignore them. They’re not in your shoes and they don’t know what you’re experiencing. We urge you to trust yourself. You are the expert on you.

High-harassment industries pay more than low-harassment ones.

This is an important piece of information that a lot of people don’t know. Economists call it a wage premium, and it’s why practically everyone who switches their career to get away from harassment ends up making less money. If you’re considering a change, you need to know this. You should try to save as much money as much as you can now, before you quit. It’s also a good idea to start cutting back your expenses.

Consider independent contractor or consultant work

This is something a lot of people do. But researchers say that, for many people, this turns out to just be a stage that they pass through. Most people, five or so years later, are doing something completely different than what they were doing when they first got harassed.

Unemployment or underemployment is normal

A lot of people, once they quit a high-harassment industry, stumble around for a while before they figure out what they really want to do. It’s normal for people to be unemployed or underemployed for a year or two, or even more. This could easily happen to you. It’s another argument for saving money and doing a lot of planning before you quit.

High-harassment industries have higher status

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: The kinds of careers in which you’re likely to be harassed have higher status than harassment-free environments. Ugh, but it’s true. You might want to think about how much you—and your family and friends—care about status. If you care a lot, that might make your decisions harder.

Wanting to work alone is common

When people leave a high-harassment environment, it’s normal for them to go through a period where they don’t want to work with other people at all. Wanting to work alone, experts say, is a pretty common part of the healing process, and will probably naturally come to an end. If you find yourself wanting to work alone for a while, that’s normal, and it’s nothing to worry about.

Retraining is worth considering

Lots of people end up retraining for a new field. It’s worth thinking about whether you want to go back to school. Is there a particular field that’s always interested you? If you got some new skills, would that qualify you for work you might enjoy? You might feel like you’re too old to go back to school, or it would be too expensive. But if it puts you in a position where you’ll enjoy your work more, it’s definitely worth considering.

You might be happiest working with people like you

Researchers say that the people who end up healthiest and happiest after a career change are often those who move into an industry or field where they can work with people more like themselves. (Like, a trans woman working with other trans people, or a First Nation woman working with other Indigenous people.) If this is something you’re considering, it’s a really good idea to start building your network of people like you. Find out where they work and what they do. Ask if they like it. Ask how they got into it. Ask if there are any job openings.

Canada has a lot of laws aiming at protecting people who experience workplace sexual harassment. To know which ones apply to you, you need to know whether you are a provincially regulated worker or a federally regulated worker.

The vast majority of workers in Canada—about 93%—are covered under provincial laws. Those people are protected by the employment laws and human rights laws of the province or territory where they work. Most people are provincially regulated because everybody is provincially regulated by default, unless their industry has been officially designated as federal.

About 7% of Canadians work in federally regulated industries. Those people are protected by the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act. Some people think that the Canada Labour Code and the Canadian Human Rights Act cover everybody in the country, but that’s not true. They only cover people who work in federally regulated industries.

What are the federally regulated industries?

There are two categories of workplaces that are federally regulated—the private and public sectors.

Federally regulated private sectors are:

  • banks, including authorized foreign banks
  • airports, air transportation (for example, Air Canada, WestJet)
  • interprovincial/international transportation (for example, railways, trucking companies, marine shipping, interprovincial buses)
  • fisheries
  • telephone, cable systems, and telegraph companies
  • television and radio broadcasting
  • uranium mining and processing
  • grain elevators
  • First Nation band councils (including certain community services on reserves)
  • Crown corporations (for example, Canada Post, Royal Canadian Mint)
  • private-sector firms and municipalities in Yukon, the Northwest Territories, and Nunavut

Federally regulated public sectors are:

  • the federal public service
  • Parliament (Senate, House of Commons)

If you work in one of these sectors, you’re most likely a federally regulated worker. If you’re not sure, you can contact the federal Labour Program.

What legislation applies to federally regulated workers?

The Canada Labour Code

The Canada Labour Code covers all federally regulated workplaces. It sets out federal labour laws, and defines the rights and responsibilities of workers and employers in federally regulated workplaces. Federal workplace laws apply to all employers and workplaces that are the responsibility of the federal government.

Part II of the Canada Labour Code, Occupational Health and Safety, talks about harassment and violence in the workplace. The code defines workplace harassment and violence as “any action, conduct or comment, including of a sexual nature, that can reasonably be expected to cause offence, humiliation or other physical or psychological injury or illness to an employee, including any prescribed action, conduct or comment.”

This definition includes sexual harassment, sexual violence, and domestic violence in the workplace.

The Canadian Human Rights Act

The Canadian Human Rights Act protects people who are employed or getting services in workplaces under federal power from discrimination. These workplaces are:

  • the federal government
  • First Nations governments
  • Federally regulated private sectors

Under the Canadian Human Rights Act, it’s against the law for a federal service provider or employer to discriminate on the grounds of:

  • race
  • national or ethnic origin
  • colour
  • religion
  • age
  • sex
  • sexual orientation
  • gender identity or expression
  • marital status
  • family status
  • genetic characteristics
  • disability
  • having been pardoned of a criminal conviction

We can’t say this enough. Seriously, we can’t.

You need to build a support network to help you get through this.

When people look back years later, they all say the same thing: their support network was the thing that helped them the most.

Talk with people you can trust to listen and support you

Why do this?

It will help you emotionally process what’s happening. Sexual harassment can seriously mess you up. It helps to talk with other people.

But here’s something that may surprise you. Experts say the best people to talk with aren’t necessarily the ones you’re closest with.

What you’re looking for is someone to listen to you and sympathize with you. Sometimes, the people you’re closest to can’t do that. They might get mad or be overprotective. They might tell you what to do, or insist they’re going to do something. They might have strong opinions, and they might be wrong.

Experts say it’s best to talk with people who will give you 100% sympathy and kindness, and let you make your own decisions.

Don’t talk with people at work (at least, not right away)

Why not?

People at your work can be an important source of sympathy and information. They can also act as witnesses, if you end up reporting.

But experts say it makes sense to wait a little before talking with your co-workers.

There are a couple of reasons why:

  • If you tell someone at work what’s happening to you, they might report it and trigger a formal investigation. Even a co-worker could do that. If you’re not sure you want an investigation, it makes sense to avoid triggering one by accident.
  • They may tell other people. That can lead to you being gossiped about and judged. You could end up getting labelled as “a problem” or “difficult to work with.”
  • They may side with the harasser and believe that you are misunderstanding or exaggerating what’s happening. Experts say that, before you risk talking with people who might react badly, it’s better to first spend some time thinking and talking with people you know will be sympathetic.

Find additional sources for support, even if your family and friends are pretty solid

You might be surprised to hear that experts say it’s a good idea to call a domestic violence hotline or a rape hotline or a mental health crisis line.

That may seem like a strange suggestion, because what you’re experiencing isn’t domestic violence or rape, and you may not feel like you’re in crisis. You may feel like reaching out to that kind of support is overkill, and you’d be taking up services from people who need them more than you do.

But the experts say it’s a good idea anyway. They say it makes sense for you to reach out to people who have been specially trained to provide support. To listen without judgment, to not gaslight or disbelieve you, and to connect you with other resources that might help.

Or, you could find somewhere online to talk with people.

There are lots of websites and online communities where people talk about their experiences of sexual harassment and get support from one another. For example, there are some pretty good forums on Reddit, like the sexual harassment subreddit, the subreddit offering support for survivors of sexual assault, and the rape subreddit. Just be aware that most people on Reddit are Americans, and so any legal or HR advice they give you might not be true for Canada.

Why should you seek out support from these places? Experts say that, if you look for advice and support only from your family and friends, that won’t necessarily go well for you. They can feel helpless and overwhelmed, and that can end up straining your relationship and adding more stress to your life.

It’s better, experts say, to get advice and support from people who are voluntarily offering it, and especially from people who have personal experience or professional expertise. That’s what will help you the most.

If you’re a federally regulated worker and you’re injured or become ill because of something that happened at work, you fall under the Government Employees Compensation Act.

How workers comp works if you’re a federally regulated worker

Applying for workers comp for federally regulated workers is a two-step process. Rather than having its own system, the government uses provincial workers compensation agencies—for example, in Ontario, the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board—to provide services for its workers. So you first make your claim through the Labour Program’s Federal Workers’ Compensation Service at Employment and Social Development Canada. The ESDC office then sends your claim to the appropriate provincial authority.

Find out how to apply for workers comp in your province or territory

[Whistleblowing is] the reporting by employees and former employees of illegal, unethical, and otherwise inappropriate conduct to someone who has the power to take corrective action.

Terance D. Miethe, Whistleblowing at Work: Tough Choices in Exposing Fraud, Waste, and Abuse on the Job, Avalon Publishing, 1999.

What is whistleblowing?

Okay first let’s define whistleblowing.

For a complaint to count as whistleblowing, you need to be going outside of your own chain of command. If you’re telling your boss or HR, that’s not called whistleblowing; that’s just reporting.

To count as whistleblowing, you need to be blowing the whistle to somebody outside your own organization. That means telling your story publicly, by talking on social media or with a journalist, or reporting it to a body that oversees your employer, like a board of directors or a regulator or industry association.

To count as whistleblowing, experts say the whistleblower needs to be trying to prevent harm to other people, not just themselves. Usually with whistleblowing that harm is environmental or health related (like a company releasing poisons into the air or water), financial (like a bank overcharging customers), and/or legal (like a government spying on its own citizens).

Some experts believe that reporting harassment doesn’t count as whistleblowing, because they think people report harassment to prevent harm to themselves, not others. We disagree. Practically everybody who reports harassment is motivated at least in part by wanting to prevent other people from being harassed. And so we believe that reporting harassment is a form of whistleblowing.

Why people blow the whistle on sexual harassment

People who blow the whistle are usually motivated by a mix of moral outrage and a desire to protect others. Here are the kinds of things whistleblowers tend to be thinking when they blow the whistle:

  • Something bad is happening.
  • People are getting hurt.
  • The people who are supposed to fix the problem aren’t living up to their responsibilities.
  • What’s happening is being hidden or covered up.
  • It has been going on for too long and it needs to stop.
  • The public deserves to know the truth and people need to be held accountable.
  • I cannot stand to be associated with this.
  • I cannot live with myself if I am silent about this.

Here are some quotes from real people who blew the whistle, talking about why they did it.

This is far too rampant and I’m fucking tired of it. This wasn’t just about me, it was about everyone in the industry who faces this regularly.

In 2017, a bartender and social media manager at the Needle Vinyl Tavern in Edmonton quit her job and made a Facebook post complaining that one of the bar’s co-owners had sexually harassed her.

My fight was never about just me. My main goal was to make positive changes in the workplace so this would not happen to others.

In 2019, a former corrections officer complained to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, saying he had endured years of harassment by his co-workers at the Manitoba Youth Centre because he is gay.

My intention all along was to speak out against harassment for my own protection, to make the workplace better and safer.

In 2007, a former firefighter complained to the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying she had endured years of abusive and demeaning treatment from her co-workers because she is a woman.

I want to make sure that by standing up for myself, I may be standing up for those who may be gay or trans or lesbian or bisexual in our community who feel they don’t have a voice or who feel that they are oppressed and can’t speak up.

In 2019, an executive member of the New Waterford Nova Scotia Royal Canadian Legion filed a complaint with the legion and the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying he was the subject of taunts and homophobic slurs because he is gay.

What happens to people who blow the whistle

“To run up against the organization,” C. Fred Alford writes in his book about whistleblowers, “is to risk obliteration.”

Here’s what experts say happens to whistleblowers:

  • It’s very common for them to get fired.
  • If they don’t get fired, they get sidelined and shut out at work.
  • Their co-workers turn against them.
  • They are often blacklisted out of their industry.
  • Their involvement can drag on for years, and take way more time and money than they expected.
  • Their families get mad at them for putting a “cause” ahead of the family, and their primary relationship—spouse, partner—often breaks down.
  • Their mental health suffers, often seriously. Many end up suffering from depression or alcoholism. Many consider suicide.
  • They suffer both short-term and long-term financial problems.
  • They end up taking a job that’s significantly worse than the one they used to have.

Here, in their own words, is what people say happened to them after they blew the whistle.

When you blow the whistle, you become poison to the company. Your presence makes them sick.

Unnamed whistleblower, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford.

Since I complained the men gather and talk about me and say the ‘little bitch’ won’t be happy till someone is fired.

A heavy equipment operator at a fly-in camp at the Mary River Mine in Nunavut complaining about sexual harassment in 2018.

I was expecting retribution within the unit. I wasn’t expecting that when it got to the senior executive arm of the military, when the higher levels stepped in, that they wouldn’t support me.

A former civilian employee at the Department of National Defence filed a grievance reporting sexual and racial harassment and was suspended and later fired.

It’s taken years and it’s taken our entire livelihood. I’ve already spent nearly $60,000 out of pocket for a human rights tribunal that hasn’t even started.

A former Toronto police officer talking about the financial and human cost of pursuing complaints against her fellow officers before the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.

If you blow the whistle, there’s a chance you could get sued for defamation

If you say bad things about a person or a business, they might sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term that describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s or company’s reputation.

Anybody can file a defamation case. They don’t have to have a good case; they just need enough money to pay a lawyer.

Do whistleblowers regret blowing the whistle?

I think I was crazy to blow the whistle. Only I don’t think I ever had a choice. It was speak up or stroke out.

Whistleblower John Brown, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford

If a whistleblower could go back in time, knowing exactly how everything would play out, would they still blow the whistle? Researchers say yes. Practically all whistleblowers say they would blow the whistle all over again, even if they knew exactly what would happen afterward.

That doesn’t mean they don’t regret it. Many do. The losses they’ve suffered are serious.

So why would they do it? Experts say it’s because whistleblowers strongly believe in duty and responsibility. They just could not live with themselves, knowing about an injustice that was hurting people and was being ignored, if they didn’t at least try to do something about it.

That is part of why whistleblowing is so hard on people. Because they’re idealistic, and what happens afterward causes them to lose faith in their bosses, their co-workers, their family and friends, the justice system, and maybe all of society.

From C. Fred Alford’s book Whistleblowers, here is a list of what Alford says whistleblowers believed before they blew the whistle, which they had to let go of afterward:

  • That law and justice can be relied upon.
  • That the individual will not be sacrificed for the sake of the group.
  • That your friends will be loyal even if your co-workers aren’t.
  • That the organization is not fundamentally immoral.
  • That someone, somewhere, who is in charge knows, cares, and will do the right thing.
  • That the truth matters, and someone will want to know it.
  • That if one is right and persistent, things will turn out all right in the end.
  • That even if they don’t turn out all right, other people will know and understand.
  • That the family is a haven in a heartless world, and your spouse and children will not abandon you.

How to decide whether to blow the whistle

We can’t tell you whether blowing the whistle is right for you. It’s a very personal decision.

Here’s what we can say.

Blowing the whistle is unlikely to get you justice.

But for some people blowing the whistle is the right answer anyway.

If you’re the kind of person who would blow the whistle, you probably know it already. If you’re not sure, ask yourself how you feel about these statements:

It’s important to tell the truth.
It’s important to keep your promises.
I have a strong sense of personal responsibility.
The real test of character is doing the right thing even when it’s hard.
To remain silent in the face of injustice is cowardly.
I couldn’t live with myself if I behaved without honour.
I couldn’t bear to associate with people who don’t live up to their obligations.
Privilege comes with responsibility, and responsibility requires accountability.
Integrity means doing the right thing, even if you end up being punished for it.
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