You need to build a support network to help you get through this.
When people look back years later, they all say the same thing: their support network was the thing that helped them the most.
Talk with people you can trust to listen and support you
Why do this?
It will help you emotionally process what’s happening. Sexual harassment can seriously mess you up. It helps to talk with other people.
But here’s something that may surprise you. Experts say the best people to talk with aren’t necessarily the ones you’re closest with.
What you’re looking for is someone to listen to you and sympathize with you. Sometimes, the people you’re closest to can’t do that. They might get mad or be overprotective. They might tell you what to do, or insist they’re going to do something. They might have strong opinions, and they might be wrong.
Experts say it’s best to talk with people who will give you 100% sympathy and kindness, and let you make your own decisions.
Don’t talk with people at work (at least, not right away)
Why not?
People at your work can be an important source of sympathy and information. They can also act as witnesses, if you end up reporting.
But experts say it makes sense to wait a little before talking with your co-workers.
There are a couple of reasons why:
If you tell someone at work what’s happening to you, they might report it and trigger a formal investigation. Even a co-worker could do that. If you’re not sure you want an investigation, it makes sense to avoid triggering one by accident.
They may tell other people. That can lead to you being gossiped about and judged. You could end up getting labelled as “a problem” or “difficult to work with.”
They may side with the harasser and believe that you are misunderstanding or exaggerating what’s happening. Experts say that, before you risk talking with people who might react badly, it’s better to first spend some time thinking and talking with people you know will be sympathetic.
Find additional sources for support, even if your family and friends are pretty solid
You might be surprised to hear that experts say it’s a good idea to call a domestic violence hotline or a rape hotline or a mental health crisis line.
That may seem like a strange suggestion, because what you’re experiencing isn’t domestic violence or rape, and you may not feel like you’re in crisis. You may feel like reaching out to that kind of support is overkill, and you’d be taking up services from people who need them more than you do.
But the experts say it’s a good idea anyway. They say it makes sense for you to reach out to people who have been specially trained to provide support. To listen without judgment, to not gaslight or disbelieve you, and to connect you with other resources that might help.
Or, you could find somewhere online to talk with people.
There are lots of websites and online communities where people talk about their experiences of sexual harassment and get support from one another. For example, there are some pretty good forums on Reddit, like the sexual harassment subreddit, the subreddit offering support for survivors of sexual assault, and the rape subreddit. Just be aware that most people on Reddit are Americans, and so any legal or HR advice they give you might not be true for Canada.
Why should you seek out support from these places? Experts say that, if you look for advice and support only from your family and friends, that won’t necessarily go well for you. They can feel helpless and overwhelmed, and that can end up straining your relationship and adding more stress to your life.
It’s better, experts say, to get advice and support from people who are voluntarily offering it, and especially from people who have personal experience or professional expertise. That’s what will help you the most.
How workers comp works if you’re a federally regulated worker
Applying for workers comp for federally regulated workers is a two-step process. Rather than having its own system, the government uses provincial workers compensation agencies—for example, in Ontario, the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board—to provide services for its workers. So you first make your claim through the Labour Program’s Federal Workers’ Compensation Service at Employment and Social Development Canada. The ESDC office then sends your claim to the appropriate provincial authority.
[Whistleblowing is] the reporting by employees and former employees of illegal, unethical, and otherwise inappropriate conduct to someone who has the power to take corrective action.
Terance D. Miethe, Whistleblowing at Work: Tough Choices in Exposing Fraud, Waste, and Abuse on the Job, Avalon Publishing, 1999.
For it to count as whistleblowing, you need to be going outside of your own chain of command. If you tell your boss or HR, that’s not whistleblowing; that’s just reporting.
To count as whistleblowing, you need to be blowing the whistle to somebody outside your own organization. That means telling your story publicly, by talking on social media or with a journalist, or reporting it to a body that oversees your employer, like a board of directors or a regulator or industry association.
To count as whistleblowing, experts say the whistleblower needs to be trying to prevent harm to other people, not just themselves. Usually with whistleblowing that harm is environmental or health related (like, if a company is releasing poisons into the air or water), financial (like, if a bank is overcharging customers), and/or legal (like, if a government is spying on its own citizens).
Some experts believe that reporting harassment doesn’t count as whistleblowing, because they think people report harassment to prevent harm to themselves, not others. We disagree. Practically everybody who reports harassment is motivated at least in part by wanting to prevent other people from being harassed. And so we believe that reporting harassment counts as whistleblowing.
Why people blow the whistle on sexual harassment
People who blow the whistle are usually motivated by a mix of moral outrage and a desire to protect others. Here are the kinds of things whistleblowers tend to be thinking when they blow the whistle:
Something bad is happening.
People are getting hurt.
The people who are supposed to fix the problem aren’t living up to their responsibilities.
What’s happening is being hidden or covered up.
It has been going on for too long and it needs to stop.
The public deserves to know the truth and people need to be held accountable.
I cannot stand to be associated with this.
I cannot live with myself if I am silent about this.
Here are some quotes from real people who blew the whistle, talking about why they did it.
This is far too rampant and I’m fucking tired of it. This wasn’t just about me, it was about everyone in the industry who faces this regularly.
In 2017, a bartender and social media manager at the Needle Vinyl Tavern in Edmonton quit her job and made a Facebook post complaining that one of the bar’s co-owners had sexually harassed her.
My fight was never about just me. My main goal was to make positive changes in the workplace so this would not happen to others.
In 2019, a former corrections officer complained to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, saying he had endured years of harassment by his co-workers at the Manitoba Youth Centre because he is gay.
My intention all along was to speak out against harassment for my own protection, to make the workplace better and safer.
In 2007, a former firefighter complained to the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying she had endured years of abusive and demeaning treatment from her co-workers because she is a woman.
I want to make sure that by standing up for myself, I may be standing up for those who may be gay or trans or lesbian or bisexual in our community who feel they don’t have a voice or who feel that they are oppressed and can’t speak up.
In 2019, an executive member of the New Waterford Nova Scotia Royal Canadian Legion filed a complaint with the legion and the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission, saying he was the subject of taunts and homophobic slurs because he is gay.
What happens to people who blow the whistle
“To run up against the organization,” C. Fred Alford writes in his book about whistleblowers, “is to risk obliteration.”
Here’s what experts say happens to whistleblowers:
It’s very common for them to get fired.
If they don’t get fired, they get sidelined and shut out at work.
Their co-workers turn against them.
They are often blacklisted out of their industry.
Their involvement can drag on for years, and take way more time and money than they expected.
Their families get mad at them for putting a “cause” ahead of the family, and their primary relationship—spouse, partner—often breaks down.
Their mental health suffers, often seriously. Many end up suffering from depression or alcoholism. Many consider suicide.
They suffer both short-term and long-term financial problems.
They end up taking a job that’s significantly worse than the one they used to have.
Here, in their own words, is what people say happened to them after they blew the whistle.
When you blow the whistle, you become poison to the company. Your presence makes them sick.
Unnamed whistleblower, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford.
Since I complained the men gather and talk about me and say the ‘little bitch’ won’t be happy till someone is fired.
A heavy equipment operator at a fly-in camp at the Mary River Mine in Nunavut complaining about sexual harassment in 2018.
I was expecting retribution within the unit. I wasn’t expecting that when it got to the senior executive arm of the military, when the higher levels stepped in, that they wouldn’t support me.
A former civilian employee at the Department of National Defence filed a grievance reporting sexual and racial harassment and was suspended and later fired.
It’s taken years and it’s taken our entire livelihood. I’ve already spent nearly $60,000 out of pocket for a human rights tribunal that hasn’t even started.
A former Toronto police officer talking about the financial and human cost of pursuing complaints against her fellow officers before the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.
If you blow the whistle, there’s a chance you could get sued for defamation
If you say bad things about a person or a business, they might sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s or company’s reputation.
Anybody can file a defamation case. They don’t have to have a good case; they just need enough money to pay a lawyer.
Do whistleblowers regret blowing the whistle?
I think I was crazy to blow the whistle. Only I don’t think I ever had a choice. It was speak up or stroke out.
Whistleblower John Brown, as quoted in Whistleblowers: Broken Lives and Organizational Power, by C. Fred Alford
If a whistleblower could go back in time, knowing exactly how everything would play out, would they still blow the whistle? Researchers say yes. Practically all whistleblowers say they would blow the whistle all over again, even if they knew exactly what would happen afterward.
That doesn’t mean they don’t regret it. Many do. The losses they’ve suffered are serious.
So why would they do it again? The experts say it’s because whistleblowers strongly believe in duty and responsibility. They just could not live with themselves, knowing about an injustice that was hurting people and was being ignored, if they didn’t at least try to do something about it.
That is part of why whistleblowing is so hard on people. Because they’re idealistic, and what happens afterward causes them to lose faith in their bosses, their co-workers, their family and friends, and the justice system.
From C. Fred Alford’s book Whistleblowers, here is a list of what Alford says whistleblowers believed before they blew the whistle, which they had to let go of afterward:
That law and justice can be relied upon.
That the individual will not be sacrificed for the sake of the group.
That your friends will be loyal even if your co-workers aren’t.
That the organization is not fundamentally immoral.
That someone, somewhere, who is in charge knows, cares, and will do the right thing.
That the truth matters, and someone will want to know it.
That if one is right and persistent, things will turn out all right in the end.
That even if they don’t turn out all right, other people will know and understand.
That the family is a haven in a heartless world, and your spouse and children will not abandon you.
How to decide whether to blow the whistle
We can’t tell you whether blowing the whistle is right for you. It’s a very personal decision.
Here’s what we can say.
Blowing the whistle is unlikely to get you justice.
But for some people blowing the whistle is the right answer anyway.
If you’re the kind of person who would blow the whistle, you probably know it already. If you’re not sure, ask yourself how you feel about these statements:
It’s important to tell the truth.
It’s important to keep your promises.
I have a strong sense of personal responsibility.
The real test of character is doing the right thing even when it’s hard.
To remain silent in the face of injustice is cowardly.
I couldn’t live with myself if I behaved without honour.
I couldn’t bear to associate with people who don’t live up to their obligations.
Privilege comes with responsibility, and responsibility requires accountability.
Integrity means doing the right thing, even if you end up being punished for it.
Important
This is not legal advice! What you are getting here is just general legal information. It is not a substitute for advice from an actual lawyer about your specific situation. If you need legal advice, we urge you to find a lawyer who can help you.
Most people don’t do this. In fact, very few people do.
Why?
It’s a long and slow process. If you hire a lawyer to help you, it will be expensive, and if you don’t, you’ll need to do a lot of work yourself.
And the outcome is sometimes not very satisfying.
Some people hope that, at the end of the process, they’ll be told that, yes, they were harassed, and it shouldn’t have happened. But that hardly ever happens. Fewer than 2% of complaints ever get to a final ruling. The rest are settled in mediation or thrown out, abandoned, or withdrawn.
So why do people decide to file a complaint?
Some people want to go to court and speak the truth in public. Even if their odds of winning are low.
If that’s what you want, the Human Rights Tribunal can be a good choice.
It’s a shorter process than civil court—usually about a year—whereas civil court cases can take several years. You’re allowed to represent yourself, which means you don’t need to pay for a lawyer. And it’s a little less adversarial than civil court.
The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario and what it does
The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario is an administrative tribunal where you can file a formal complaint saying you’ve been sexually harassed. It is less formal than a court, but more formal than many other legal processes. The tribunal deals with discrimination cases. One law that protects you from discrimination is the Ontario Human Rights Code. Sexual harassment under the code is discrimination based on sex.
The tribunal’s job is to resolve complaints. If your complaint falls within the commission’s jurisdiction, it will accept it for investigation. Then it will encourage you to resolve the complaint through mediation. If that doesn’t work, in a few instances the tribunal holds a hearing, listens to both sides, and decides whether you were sexually harassed. If it decides you were, it may order the other party to make amends in some way.
Facts about the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario
Every year, about 1,000 people file a complaint with the tribunal saying they have been discriminated against or harassed on the basis of their sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression.
Less than half those who file a complaint are represented by a lawyer. About 90% of those who have a complaint brought against them have a lawyer.
The majority of complaints filed with the tribunal never get decided by the tribunal. They are either abandoned, withdrawn, dismissed, or settled through mediation.
The tribunal rules on about 75 complaints of all types per year. About half of the time, it finds in favour of the person who filed the complaint. About half of the time, it decides the complaint is unfounded.
When the tribunal decides that someone was discriminated against or harassed, it sometimes gives them an award of money as compensation for financial losses they suffered, and the hurt and loss of dignity they experienced. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award, but the tribunal says it is usually between $5,000 and $15,000.
It usually takes about 13 months from the time a complaint is filed until it is resolved.
If you decide to file a complaint with the tribunal, here are a few things you may get out of the process:
It’s a chance to tell the harasser what they did is not okay.
You might get back money you lost because of the harassment—maybe you didn’t get a special project or a promotion, or were fired.
You might get your job back, or get a reference for a new one.
You could request that your workplace make changes that would affect everyone there, not just you, like improving employee policies and training around sexual harassment.”
It is possible to get some money to recognize the emotional harm you suffered from the harassment.
Pros and cons of going to the tribunal
Pros
The tribunal has expertise in harassment. All it does is handle complaints of discrimination, including harassment.
The tribunal has the power to say that, yes, you were harassed, and that what happened to you was wrong.
The tribunal can order many different remedies. It can award you money. If you were fired or had to quit because of the harassment, it can order your employer to give you your job back. It can order your employer to remove the person who harassed you from your workplace. It can order your employer to make a donation to a charity, or to provide anti-harassment training.
If you go to civil court instead of the tribunal, you might end up having to pay the other party’s legal costs if you lose your case. With the tribunal process that can’t happen. You will never end up needing to pay the other party’s legal costs.
The tribunal process may be quicker than many other legal processes. The tribunal says that, on average, its process takes just over a year from start to finish, whereas other legal processes can take many years.
Cons
Even though, technically, you can represent yourself in the tribunal process, your chances of success will be much higher if you have a lawyer. And the other party will probably have a lawyer—about 90% of respondents hire a lawyer to represent them. People who represent themselves at the tribunal are less likely to have their complaints found justified.
Even though it’s less complex than other legal processes, the tribunal process is still difficult. There is a lot of paperwork to file, lots of deadlines to keep track of, and a lot of rules to follow.
Very few people end up being told by the tribunal that they were harassed and what happened to them was wrong. Tribunal data says that of all the cases that go through the tribunal process, only about 5% end up with the tribunal having a hearing and finding in favour of the person who was harassed. The overwhelming majority of complaints to the tribunal are either abandoned, withdrawn, dismissed, or settled through mediation.
Tribunal awards are considered fairly small. There is technically no limit to the amount of money the tribunal could award to you, but the tribunal says that when it awards money, the amount is usually between $5,000 and $15,000. This amount may be higher for precarious workers. And remember, with most tribunal cases, people don’t end up receiving any money at all.
If you choose the tribunal process, you may close the door to other legal options.
Even if the tribunal awards you money or other things, that doesn’t mean you will necessarily get them. It can be hard to force your employer or the harasser to give you everything the tribunal ordered, or what you agreed to in mediation.
Like in any legal process, your opponents will try to undermine your credibility and make you look bad. You could end up feeling disbelieved and unsupported.
Some psychologists believe it’s a bad idea for people who have experienced sexual harassment to get involved in any legal process. They say legal processes can slow down your ability to heal emotionally from what happened to you, because they keep you focused on the past. These experts believe that it can be healthier for the person who experienced harassment to put the past behind them and focus on their present and their future.
Will the tribunal accept my application?
You have one year from when the harassment happened to file your application with the tribunal. If the harassment happened more than once, the deadline is one year from the last incident of harassment. In certain situations, the tribunal will accept late applications if you can show the delay was in good faith and the late application will not cause significant harm to the respondent.
You can apply to the tribunal if you work in Ontario, but not at federally regulated workplaces, like banks, airlines, telephone companies, and TV and radio stations. If you’re unionized, you must make your complaint through your union. You’re covered if you’re non-unionized, temporary or permanent, an independent contractor, or undocumented.
Even if the harassment happened outside Ontario, the tribunal may take your case if you work for an Ontario-regulated employer and you’re based in Ontario—for example, if the harassment happened while you were on a business trip outside of the province.
After you submit your application, the tribunal might decide that the harassment you faced doesn’t relate to a ground of discrimination under the code. In that case, your application will not proceed.
If you’ve already started a case in civil court, the tribunal will likely not process your application. There are a couple of exceptions to this: if you withdraw the civil case, or if your civil case is dealing with a different issue that is not included in your Human Rights Tribunal application. For example, if the civil court case is only about unpaid wages.
Even if you have another case going on, you still have to apply to the tribunal within one year of the last incident.
If you win your other case, the tribunal may decide not to hear your application. If you lose the case and feel as if the other process didn’t deal with the same human rights issues, you can explain this to the tribunal. It will decide whether or not your case has been dealt with.
You can file an application against anybody who is sexually harassing you at work—your employer, a co-worker, a supervisor, a customer, or contractor. In your application, you can also name the company or organization you were or are working for. Even if your employer is not harassing you, they have to protect you from sexual harassment and a harassing environment. See How to report sexual harassment to your employer.
Important
It is very common for the tribunal to dismiss applications. Your application could be dismissed because it was filed too late, because it’s outside of the tribunal’s jurisdiction, because it is already being handled in another forum, or because the tribunal believes you have no reasonable chance of succeeding. It’s important to be careful when you’re filling out your application, so it doesn’t end up just getting dismissed.
Who’s who
Applicant
When you apply to the tribunal, you are the applicant. That means you are the person who is filing a complaint that you have been sexually harassed.
Respondent
The respondent can be anyone who is harassing you or has harassed you at work—your boss, a co-worker, a customer, even a contractor. You can file an application against both the person who harassed you and your employer for not protecting you. This can be a confusing decision to make, especially if you feel that your case is less about your workplace’s failure to protect you and more about the harasser.
Representative
You and the respondent are both allowed to have someone represent you through the tribunal process. That person can be a lawyer or anyone else you choose. That person is called the representative. If you are represented by a lawyer, the tribunal will generally communicate only with that person, and it will be their responsibility to keep you informed.
Vice-chair
As you go through the tribunal process, you will eventually come in contact with a vice-chair, who may also sometimes be called an adjudicator, mediator, or decision-maker. There isn’t just one vice-chair—there are lots of them. Their job is to lead conference calls about your complaint, lead the mediation process (if you do that), and be the decision-maker at hearings (if you get that far). Your complaint may be handled by multiple vice-chairs: You may have one vice-chair acting as a mediator, and then a different vice-chair as the decision-maker at your hearing.
Mediator
If you agree to mediation, the tribunal will assign you a mediator. Their formal title is vice-chair. Their job is to explain the mediation process to you and the respondent, listen to your stories, and try to help you reach an agreement. They are expected to behave neutrally: They’re not supposed to pick a side, and they aren’t supposed to favour either you or the respondent. They may explain to you why your case is weak or strong, but they won’t make a decision about whether your complaint is justified. Their goal is to try to reach a solution that both parties can agree to, so your case doesn’t have to go to a hearing.
Decision-maker
If your case does go to a hearing, the tribunal will assign you a decision-maker, who is sometimes also called an adjudicator. Their formal title is vice-chair. Their job is to hold a hearing where they will listen to you and the respondent and decide whether your complaint is justified. Very few cases ever get to the hearing stage. When a complaint does get to a hearing, the decision-maker decides it is justified about half the time. If the decision-maker finds a complaint is justified, they will also order the respondent to do various things, like give you money as compensation for what you experienced.
What you’ll have to prove
It’s you, the applicant, who has to show there is enough evidence to go forward to a hearing. Once the tribunal accepts that it can hear your case, you will have to convince it that there was more than a 50% chance that what happened to you was sexual harassment under the code. This is called the burden of proof on a balance of probabilities. The tribunal will use the “reasonable person” standard to decide whether your harasser should have known that their behaviour was unwelcome. This standard looks at and balances what a reasonable person in your position would have thought, and what a reasonable person in your harasser’s position would have thought about the situation.
You’ll have a chance to tell your story—or testify—submit documents, and bring witnesses to the hearing to prove your case. But the tribunal knows that in sexual harassment cases, incidents often happen in secret. So, it’s very possible that you might be the only witness. Also, when you’re being sexually harassed, keeping documents is not necessarily the first thing on your mind. You’ll possibly have to prove your case mainly through talking about your story at the hearing and explaining what happened.
Usually, there needs to be more than one incident. But sometimes, one incident can be so serious that it falls under the definition of sexual harassment.
Just because you didn’t say “no” or “stop” doesn’t mean that what the respondent did wasn’t sexual harassment. Under the code, the harasser either has to know or should have reasonably known that their behaviour was unwelcome. There may be many reasons why you might not have felt comfortable saying anything when the harassment was happening, like a power imbalance between you and your boss, or your fear that you would get punished if you said anything to an important client.
Sometimes, whether a certain behaviour is known or should have reasonably been known to be unwelcome is clearer than others. For example, employers should know that making sexual comments about someone’s body is unwelcome. Other times, it might be less obvious. For example, a co-worker asking you to go on a date (where they do not threaten you or promise you something in return) is likely not going to be considered sexual harassment. But if your boss asks you out, you might feel you’ll be punished if you don’t say yes.
Other important considerations
A tribunal hearing is usually a public process. In most cases, personal information about the cases and their parties may be available to the public and searchable on public internet databases. In some cases, the tribunal allows parties to request a publication ban, which is an order that the tribunal makes to stop the respondent or someone else from publishing your name or certain details about your case.
When the tribunal writes and publishes a decision, it usually includes the full name of the parties. But it will publish only the initials of a party who is younger than 18. If you do not want to have your full name published, and you can provide a good reason for this, you can ask the tribunal to use only your initials in the published decision. This is known as anonymization. You can ask for an anonymized decision at any point after you apply. For more information on how to request anonymization, see the tribunal’s Practice Direction on Anonymization of HRTO Decisions.
If you need some changes in the process to help you take part at the tribunal, request those as soon as you can. You can ask the registrar of the tribunal for accommodations. The tribunal only has to provide accommodations based on disability and you may have to supply more information, like medical documents. For more information about accommodations, see the tribunal’s Accessibility and Accommodation Policy.
What are the possible outcomes
The Ontario Human Rights Code determines the remedies the tribunal can order to try to respond to the sexual harassment at the end of the case if you are successful. There are many factors that affect the kind of, and the amount of, remedies you might receive. One might be how vulnerable you were and how much of a power imbalance there was between you and your harasser. There are two categories of remedies.
Monetary compensation
General damages compensate you for the loss of or harm to dignity, feelings, and self-respect.
Special damages compensate you for lost wages, or for things you had to pay for yourself because of the harassment, such as therapy. Special damages can include the costs you will continue to have, such as future therapy appointments.
Non-monetary compensation
Future compliance, or public interest remedies, can be things like changes to your workplace policies. You could, for example, ask for training for the harasser on sexual harassment policies.
Non-monetary compensation can also include things like your employer giving you a reference letter or taking steps to get you back to a job, either at the same workplace or another one. It can also include transferring your harasser to a different department.
When you fill out your application you can list what remedies you would like in each of these categories, including the total amount of money you think you should receive. Be aware that the tribunal looks at what kinds of steps you took to reduce the losses you faced because of the harassment. This is called mitigation. If you did not take steps to limit your financial losses—for example, by looking for a new job after having been fired—the tribunal may lower the amount of money it will award to you.
If you want to learn more about the kinds of remedies the tribunal has ordered in cases that may be like yours, go to the Human Rights Legal Support Centre website. You will find summaries of cases, with tribunal orders, including cases of sexual harassment.
If you want to learn more about the kinds of remedies the tribunal has ordered in cases that may be like yours, you can search for decisions related to sexual harassment and read full case decisions on CanLII, a free database for legal decisions in Canada.
At mediation, you and the respondent could agree on the remedies above—and possibly more. At a hearing, the decision-maker can only order remedies allowed under the code. At mediation, a settlement can contain whatever terms and remedies you and the respondent agree on. However, usually the mediator will try to help the parties decide on remedies by explaining what the tribunal can and would likely decide if the case does go to a hearing.
The tribunal process step-by-step
Important
The tribunal process is complicated and we’re not going to lay out every stage here. You can find detailed information about the whole procedure on the tribunal’s website.
Another option is the Human Rights Legal Support Centre (HRLSC), an independent agency funded by the province, which also offers extensive and detailed how-to-guides and frequently asked questions sections that cover virtually all aspects of bringing a case before the tribunal. It includes step-by-step directions on every part of the process.
While theoretically it is possible to proceed with a complaint representing yourself, this is very challenging, time consuming, and potentially harmful to your mental health. Your chances of success are much greater with legal help.
You may be able to get help from a lawyer for free. Here are some places that offer free or lower-cost legal services:
The HRLSC provides free legal help and support to people throughout Ontario who have been discriminated against, including those who have been sexually harassed. It offers services in 140 languages, including Cree, Oji-Cree, Mohawk, and Ojibway. It can help with applications to the Human Rights Tribunal and may be able to assist with representation at the tribunal and other aspects of the process, though this is not guaranteed. The type of assistance that the HRLSC will be able to give you is decided on a case-by-case basis. The HRLSC also has a team to offer people who have been sexually harassed legal information on what steps, if any, they might take regarding their case. It is known as the Sexual Harassment and Resource Exchange (SHARE)team.
Legal Aid Ontario funds over 70 community and specialty legal clinics, many of which provide employment law services. These can include assisting with complaints to the tribunal, including complaints relating to workplace sexual harassment. The specialty clinics serve Toronto clients based on their identity—Aboriginal Legal Services, the Black Legal Action Centre, Centre for Spanish-Speaking Peoples, for example. Legal Aid is only for those with low incomes; in 2021, the maximum income for one person to access clinic services was just under $23,000. Find a legal clinic here.
Pro Bono Ontario has a Workplace Sexual Harassment Hotline. The lawyers there can help you determine what your legal issues are and aid you in drafting letters and basic legal documents. They may also be able to refer you to pro bono and other lawyers; the pro bono service is dependent on your income level.
The Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic assists low- and middle-income women-identified and non-binary people who have experienced violence. It has lawyers who can give you advice about your legal options if you have been sexually assaulted or harassed. The clinic’s #AndMeToo project is for marginalized women who have been sexually harassed at work.
JusticeNetis a not-for-profit service for those whose income is too high to qualify for legal aid but too low to afford regular legal fees. To qualify you must have a net family income under $90,000 and be experiencing financial difficulties. Participating lawyers’ reduced rates vary depending on your family size and income.
Your workplace union, association, or Employee Assistance Program may be able to help you find legal services or cover part of your legal fees.
Applying
The application is available online on the tribunal website, and all the forms are there as well.You can also ask the tribunal to mail you copies of the forms if you have trouble downloading them or don’t have access to a computer or printer. There is also an Applicant’s Guide. The forms are available in English and French. If you need accessible forms or have questions about other languages, contact the tribunal directly by phone (1-866-355-6099) or email.
The main form you need is Form 1 (the application). Anyone who wants to make a complaint to the tribunal needs to fill out this form. If you are filing a sexual harassment complaint related to employment, you’ll also have to fill out Form 1A. If you are under 18 years old, you cannot submit the application yourself. You’ll need a litigation guardian, and they will also need to fill out Form 4A.
Filling out your application to the tribunal might take more time than you expect. You will need to fill in a lot of details, such as information about your employer; the effect the harassment had on you; the remedies you are asking for; whether you are interested in mediation; the kind of documents you plan on showing the tribunal; and much more. You need to apply within one year of the last time the harassment happened.
You can file directly online, or you can send a copy by mail, email, or fax.
After you apply
After you apply, you’ll get a letter from the tribunal with your case file number. This does not mean that the tribunal has accepted your application. It is just the way it tracks your file. If you are filing your complaint yourself, you must use this number in all future communication with the tribunal.
Process
What this looks like
The tribunal accepts your application
It will send it to the respondent and they will then have a chance to give an answer to it, or response. You’ll also get a chance to give an answer to their response, or reply
After you submit your application, you want to withdraw it
If you want to withdraw your application before the respondent has acted on it, you can. Your case will simply be closed and nothing more will happen. If the respondent has already filed a response and the case is moving ahead, it’s not that simple. The further you get in the process, the more complex withdrawing becomes. See Rule 10 of the Rules of Procedure on exact steps for how to withdraw your application
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews it and wants to defer because another you are involved in another proceeding
If you want to ask the tribunal to proceed with the application, file a request for order during proceedings with a statement of delivery
Forms: Form 10 (Request for Order); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: As soon as possible Once another proceeding has ended, the tribunal must resume within 60 days
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews it and sends a notice of intent to dismiss
To ask the tribunal not to dismiss your case, file a response to a notice of intent to dismiss
Deadline: Within 30 days after you receive the notice
After you submit your application, the tribunal reviews and finds that there’s information missing
Complete the application with the missing information and send it back to the tribunal
Deadline: 20 days after the tribunal sends back your application
Mediation
Mediation is the process of trying to settle your case by coming to an agreement with the respondent, who must agree to participate. This process is not to determine whether you were sexually harassed according to the code. Mediation is a way of encouraging the parties to settle their dispute without having to go to a hearing where someone else will decide if the law was broken. This process is optional, but highly encouraged by the tribunal. Remember that, if you settle on an agreement in mediation, this will mean that your case will not go to a hearing. The tribunal will not write a public decision and it will end your case faster. You won’t have to talk at a hearing about what happened to you, or face questions about it.
Mediators are members of the tribunal—the same people who conduct the hearings. The tribunal will assign one to your case. Your mediator will not be the same vice-chair who would be the decision-maker at your hearing, if you end up having one. Mediators are neutral parties who will not take a side before, during or after the process. You or your lawyer can provide information or show documents to a mediator and request they keep it confidential from the other side.
Before the mediation
Process
You might need to do
Receive the notice of mediation, including the date, time and location for mediation
Make a request for accommodation
Make a request for separate rooms so you don’t have to sit with the respondent. You can make this request over the phone or in an email to the registrar
Plan for emotional support, before, during, and after the mediation
Deadline: Before the mediation
Make a request to reschedule mediation—you or your lawyer, if you have one, either must call the registrar at the tribunal or send the tribunal a notice in writing proposing an alternative date that is with within eight weeks of the originally scheduled date
Deadline: Within 14 days of receiving the notice of mediation
Sign your confidentiality agreement
Deadline: Send to the tribunal before the day of the mediation or bring the signed copy to the mediation
If you and the respondent reach an agreement during mediation, you will sign two documents: the settlement agreement and a confirmation of settlement. The settlement agreement will have all the things you and the respondent agreed to. The confirmation of settlement is a document that tells the tribunal that you have settled your case so the tribunal won’t schedule a hearing.
After the mediation
Process
You might need to do
Sign the settlement agreement
If you reached agreement, sign the agreement
Form: Form 25 (Confirmation of Settlement) Deadline: Within 10 days after you agree on the settlement
Sign a settlement that includes a “confidentiality clause” or a separate non-disclosure agreement
Report concerns about your mediator
If your mediator has been discriminatory or has engaged in misconduct, you can report this to the Social Justice Tribunals Ontario—a group of tribunals that includes the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario. If you just don’t like how they mediate, they will not consider this. You will need to explain the reasons for your concerns (who, what, when, where), the steps you think should be taken to deal with the issue, and the result you are looking for. When you report your concern, you should provide your tribunal file number
Enforce the agreement
Send a demand letter
Apply to the tribunal to enforce the award if the respondent breaches settlement
Forms: Form 18 (Contravention of Settlement); Form 23: (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: Within 6 months of breach of settlement
File with a court to have the monetary part of the order enforced. Your agreement is a legal document, or contract, and the respondent must follow what it says. This is a complicated process and you should get help from a lawyer to do this
The hearing
You’ve made an application to the tribunal, have chosen not to participate in mediation, or your mediation failed, and now you’ve received your notice of confirmation of hearing. This will tell you the date, time, and location of your hearing. If you have a valid reason for needing to reschedule the hearing date, tell the registrar, in writing, and suggest a new date within 12 weeks after the original hearing date. This must be done within 14 days of receiving the notice of confirmation of hearing.
The tribunal can hold hearings in person, in writing, by phone, and by other electronic means if it thinks it is appropriate. A party may object to the hearing format and the vice-chair will consider the party’s arguments, and decide whether the hearing format chosen by the tribunal is appropriate.
Your notice of confirmation of hearing will also tell you the date of your case management conference call. The tribunal will schedule this call with all the parties to discuss the hearing and try to simplify what comes next. It is scheduled approximately 30 days before the hearing. A vice-chair will be assigned to run your call. During the call, the vice-chair will explain how the hearing will go and will address any of the remaining issues before the hearing.
Now it’s time to prepare, if you don’t have a lawyer to represent you. Mostly, you will want to get your evidence and arguments ready.
Preparing for the hearing
Things to do
You might want to do
File witness statements with respondent and tribunal
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: 45 calendar days before the hearing
If a witness does not want to attend, get a signed summons to witness from the tribunal and send it to the witness
Form: Form 24 (Summons to Witness) Deadline: Before the hearing
Review all the respondent’s witness statements and documents. Identify gaps and inconsistencies. Prepare cross-examination questions
Deadline: Before the hearing
If you don’t think the respondent’s witnesses should attend the hearing, file a request for an order during proceedings
Tell all your witnesses the date, time, and location of the hearing and arrange when and how you will meet them
Deadline: As soon as you get the notice of confirmation of hearing
Request to reschedule the hearing date
Deadline: Up to 14 calendar days from the date of the notice of confirmation of hearing
Create a list of your documents that you have to give to the other side and send to respondent List documents that you want to claim privilege over and send the list to the respondent
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) to the tribunal Deadline: 21 days after you receive the Notice of Confirmation of Hearing
Request an order during proceedings to ask for additional documents from the respondent
Forms: Form 10 (Request for Order During Proceedings); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: None
Send documents you are going to rely on during your hearing to the respondent and the tribunal. This includes witness statements of all witnesses you intend to call during your hearing
Form: Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: 45 days before the hearing
Add witnesses that you didn’t include in your initial list by filing a request for an order during proceedings
Forms: Form 10 (Request for an Order During Proceedings); Form 23 (Statement of Delivery) Deadline: Before the hearing
Respond to respondent’s request to provide your privileged documents
Forms: Form 11 (Response to Request for Order);Form 23 (Statement of delivery) Deadline: Up to 14 days after receiving the request
Prepare for the case management conference call by pointing out issues that might need to be addressed before the hearing
Deadline: 7 days before case management conference call
Request any accommodations you need in advance, in writing
Deadlines: Well before hearing
Attending the hearing
If your hearing is in person, it may happen at the tribunal hearing centre, or in another location, like a meeting room at a hotel. The decision-makers—vice-chairs—are sometimes referred to as adjudicators.
This is a helpful video from the tribunal on what happens at a hearing.
If you haven’t taken part in mediation already, the vice-chair will likely offer you and the respondent one last chance to try to mediate. If you have already gone through an unsuccessful mediation or you don’t want to do this, the hearing will begin. Both sides will make opening statements at the beginning of the hearing and closing statements about the case at the very end. The tribunal will receive documents and hear from witnesses about what they know about your sexual harassment allegations.
When the hearing is coming to an end, the vice-chair will review all of the evidence that you and the respondent have presented both before and during the hearing. They will likely reserve their decision, considering it for a while and writing the reasons. This can take several months.
The decision
The tribunal will send its decision to you by mail. You can also get it by email or fax. If you have a lawyer, your lawyer will get a copy. You can search for decisions of the tribunal related to sexual harassment and read full case decisions at CanLII, a free database for legal decisions in Canada.
The vice-chair’s decision will explain how they looked at the facts in the case and how they applied the law from the Ontario Human Rights Code and other cases that were decided at the tribunal. They will state whether your application was successful and whether you were sexually harassed according to the law. If your application was successful, the decision will outline the remedies you will be receiving.
If you are happy with the decision and the remedies, you will need to make sure that the respondent follows the orders in the decision. If the respondent doesn’t do what they’re ordered to do, you can take steps to enforce the decision.
Process
You might need to do
Enforce the decision
Send a demand letter
Apply to the tribunal to enforce the non-monetary award
Forms: Form 18 (Contravention of Settlement); Form 23: Statement of Delivery Deadline: Within 6 months of breach of settlement
File with a court to have the monetary part of the order enforced. The agreement is a legal contract, and the respondent must follow what it says. This is a complicated process and you should get help from a lawyer to do this
Apply for reconsideration
For more information on how to request a reconsideration, see the Practice Direction
Judicial review
If you think the tribunal didn’t follow the law when making the decision, you can ask a court to review the decision
A “whisper network” is what it’s called when people quietly, privately, warn one another about other people who are dangerous.
A whisper network is different from a report or complaint, because it deliberately avoids people in positions of authority.
You can whisper about somebody and report them, or you can whisper first and report later, or you can do one and not the other. They’re totally separate things.
How whisper networks work
Whisper networks have been around forever. Here’s how they work.
Someone gets harassed. They tell one or more friends. Those people tell other people. Gradually, the harasser gets a reputation and people learn to avoid them.
Some whisper networks are centred around a single workplace. In those, the warnings are usually verbal.
Some are centred around an entire industry. In those, the warnings might be digital. Here are some examples of digital whisper networks:
In the U.K., women working in and around parliament made a group chat that they used to warn one another about politicians and other parliamentary workers who had harassed them.
In the U.S., women working in journalism made a Google spreadsheet called “Shitty Media Men,” where they shared stories of men working in the media who had harassed them.
Sex workers have been collecting and publishing “bad date” reports for decades, warning one another about violent or dangerous clients. Those reports used to be printed on paper, but now they are usually posted online or shared by email.
The three big problems with whisper networks
Whisper networks don’t reach everybody
To warn somebody, you have to trust them, at least a little. (Because they could tell the harasser or your bosses, and that might get you in trouble.) That means people tend to whisper only with people they already know and trust.
So people who aren’t socially connected are the least likely to be warned. That’s bad, because they are also the people most likely to be harassed.
The people left out of whisper networks tend to be:
new to the workplace
new to the industry
younger than everybody else
racialized, 2SLGBTQIA+, or have a disability
neurodivergent, especially if they have autism
not very socially connected
not fluent in the majority workplace language
Whisper networks do nothing to make the harasser stop harassing people
They make it possible for some people to avoid harassment. But they don’t stop the harasser from trying to harass people, and they don’t do anything to punish the harasser or remove them from the workplace.
Because of that, a lot of people are critical of whisper networks. But we’re not. Stopping a harasser is not what a whisper network is for. A whisper network is purely for warning people. It doesn’t stop anybody from reporting or taking any other kind of action.
Whisper networks can get you in legal trouble
This is less likely to happen with a verbal network, and more likely to happen with one that leaves an evidence trail, like text messages or social media posts.
If you say someone is a harasser, or did some awful thing, it is possible that they will sue you for defamation. “Defamation” is a legal term. It describes what it’s called when someone publicly says something about somebody else that isn’t true and that hurts the other person’s reputation. It can be something published, which is often called “libel,” or something spoken—in some parts of the country, this is called “slander.”
Being sued for defamation doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen. Defamation lawsuits are getting more common than they used to be because today there is more likely to be a digital trail of the things we say and share.
How to use whisper networks to protect yourself and other people
Here are five tips for making your whisper network work as well as possible.
Recognize a warning when you get one
Sometimes a warning is direct, like this:
“Jacob is a sexual predator. People have been complaining about him for years, but nobody stops him.”
But it’s much more common for them to be indirect, like this:
“Have you met Ryan? You’re gonna want to brace yourself. He’s a very friendly guy.”
Or this:
“I like Dave a lot. But I steer clear of him when he’s been drinking.”
Or this:
“Alain seems really into you. Ha ha. Be careful!”
People will practically never tell you flat out that someone is a harasser.
That’s because they’re afraid they’ll get in trouble. So instead of telling you directly, they will hint.
We’re going to dig into this a little, because some people have trouble recognizing this kind of hinting, and we don’t want you to miss it.
Here’s how to tell if someone is warning you:
They’ll probably do it when the two of you are alone together.
They probably won’t directly say that the person is a harasser. Instead they may use language that, if you quote them, won’t sound too bad. Like “flirty” or “old school” or “creepy.”
They usually won’t give you any facts. (They may know facts, but not tell them to you.) Instead they may say things that are vague and general, like “Kevin has a reputation” or “Everybody knows about Sylvain.”
They may talk about how much they like or admire the person they’re warning you about. You can totally ignore that part. They’re just doing it to protect themselves in case you tell people what they said.
Somewhere in what they say, maybe very buried, they will tell you to stay away from a person or group of people. That’s the important part.
A good rule of thumb is that, if someone is taking the time to warn you, then you should take them seriously, even if their tone and manner don’t seem very serious.
Thank the person who warned you
The person who warned you is taking a risk. They’re doing you a favour. You should thank them, so they know you understand what’s happening and won’t report them to the harasser or your boss.
Contribute your own warnings to the network
The more people who participate in a whisper network, the better it works.
People often hesitate to share information with the whisper network because they don’t think what they know is important enough to be worth sharing. But that’s not the right way to think about it. Your little piece of information may not be important. But put together with other pieces, it might be.
Here’s something that happened to someone we know:
At a conference, a man and a woman had drinks together, and then he hit on her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. She told a friend, and that friend told her friends. Once everybody had compared notes, it turned out that the guy had behaved badly with women at conferences several times before. They told the conference organizer. She investigated, kicked the guy out, and banned him from future conferences.
The moral of this story: Don’t hesitate to share information. Harassers want you to be quiet. But you don’t need to be.
Bring new people into the network
This is really important! The bigger the network is, the more it can protect people.
It’s especially important to bring in people who are new to your workplace or industry, who are young, not fluent in the majority workplace language, racialized, 2SLGBTQIA+, disabled, or neurodivergent, and people who are shy, timid, or antisocial.
These are the people most likely to get harassed, and they’re also the ones most likely to be left out of whisper networks. You can fix that, by bringing them in.
Consider shifting from whispering to reporting
If people aren’t reporting sexual harassment at your workplace (or in your industry), there’s probably a very good reason. We’re not here to push you to report if reporting doesn’t feel wise.
But, if someone is getting named as a harasser over and over again, then it’s probably worth considering whether it’s time to formally report.
You shouldn’t pressure other people to report, and you definitely shouldn’t report what happened to someone else without their permission.
But if you’re finding there’s a person in your circles who’s repeatedly harassing people, it’s worth having a conversation inside the network about whether it’s time to report them.
Warning
If you don’t feel safe trying to talk directly with the harasser, don’t do it. Trust your instincts.
The first thing you need to know is that you don’t have to do this.
We’re telling you that because talking directly to the harasser is something lots of people feel pressured or obligated to do. Their employer may pressure them to do it. They may feel like they’re being a coward if they don’t. They may feel like it’s only fair to warn the harasser and give them a chance to change.
But that assumes the person is harassing you by accident, because they’re confused or clueless. Which usually isn’t true.
The truth is, most harassers are doing it on purpose. They don’t care if the harassment bothers you, or they are trying to bother you. That means they’re not likely to stop just because you ask them to.
You still might want to try.
If so, your goal should be to make it clear that their behaviour is surprising and not welcome.
It’s okay if the conversation is tense.
You don’t need the harasser to agree that their behaviour is wrong.
You don’t need to agree about anything.
You don’t need to end up friendly.
Scripts that may help you talk with the harasser
Yikes, I am really not a hugger!
Wow, that’s a really personal question!
Hey, that’s a weird joke!
If the person immediately stops—and even better, apologizes—then that’s great and your problem may be solved.
If not, you could try speaking more directly. Like this:
You talk a lot about how I look and it’s making me uncomfortable. I’d like to ask you to stop.
There is a lot of explicit sex talk here and it’s really not my style. I’d appreciate it if you could scale it way back.
The more specific you can be, the better.
You guys make a lot of jokes about me being a woman. It feels aggressive to me, like you’re saying women don’t belong here. I would really like it if you would stop.
When you touch me, it really bothers me. I need you not to do that. I don’t want people at work to touch me like that.
I know I might be the first trans person you’ve worked with. But I need you to stop asking me questions about it. It’s not my job to talk to you about trans stuff.
I find it strange when you give me advice about how to be more masculine. I am happy to talk about other stuff, but I’d like it if we could drop that particular subject.
The truth is, being sexually harassed is very likely going to cost you money.
That sucks and we’re sorry.
What to do if you’ve decided to stay at work
Maybe you’ve decided to just stay at work and try to cope with the harassment.
That might work out fine. But it’s risky, and eventually you may find yourself burnt out and having to quit.
Experts say that, if the harassment is severe enough or goes on long enough, it can wear away at your mental health to the point where you’re unable to work. And the effects creep up on people. It’s not uncommon for someone to think they’re coping fine, and then one day suddenly realize they just can’t go to work anymore.
You don’t want that to happen to you. So, it makes sense to keep an eye on your stress levels. And maybe ask a friend to help you do it too, because they might notice things you don’t.
If you’re taking more sick days, or your doctor has put you on medication for depression or anxiety, or you’re drinking more, for example—and especially if these things have been going on for a while, and are getting worse…it might be time to find a new job—or even a new career—instead of staying where you are.
It’s better to job hunt early, while you’re in good shape, than to wait too long and do it when you’re seriously stressed and unhappy.
What to do if you’ve decided to report the harassment
When people report sexual harassment, it’s really common for them to get punished, including financially. You could get fired, you could lose shifts or clients or customers, or lose new opportunities.
Here are some things you can do that might help make that less likely:
Before you report, try to build up as much goodwill as you can with your employer and other people at your workplace.
You might feel the instinct to withdraw socially from people at your work. Don’t do it! You haven’t done anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of, and having solid work relationships can protect you against being judged or punished after you report.
When you report, make it clear to your employer that you like your job and your employer, and your goal in reporting is to alert them to a safety issue so they can fix it. Try to make it clear that it’s you and your employer against the harassment, not you against your employer.
Make it clear to your employer that, under the law, you are not supposed to suffer financially because of harassment. So if somebody is going to lose money (from fewer shifts or assignments that pay less well) it should be the harasser, not you. Sometimes employers don’t know this, so it can help if you tell them.
It’s not your responsibility to figure out how to keep yourself safe from the harasser. That’s your employer’s job. But if you can think of ways your employer can do it, you should tell them. If you can help solve the problem, they may be less likely to punish you.
If other people are being harassed, try to persuade them to report as well. That way your employer is less likely to single you out and decide you’re the problem.
If there are witnesses to what’s happened, try to persuade them to come forward—or, even better, to report what’s happening themselves, instead of you doing it. Employers sometimes take a complaint more seriously if it comes from someone other than the person who’s being harassed.
After you report, try to refocus yourself and your employer on your own career goals. (Like, you can ask for training, or ask them to help you figure out how you can advance inside the company.) The goal here is to help your employer imagine you as someone who’s going to have a long career with them, rather than them thinking of you as someone who’s unhappy and likely to leave.
Do the same thing with your co-workers and inside your professional network. Talk openly about your work and work goals with other people. That will help them see you less as a harassment victim and more as someone who cares about the work.
What to do if you’ve decided to quit your job, or think you might get fired
Eventually, lots of people end up needing or wanting to get a new job—either to get away from the harassment, or because complaining about it has resulted in getting their punished. But if you wait too long, you might end up needing to job hunt urgently, which might mean you need to take a job you don’t really want. It makes sense to start job hunting early.
When you’re thinking about a new job, here are some things to consider:
Is it less likely you’ll be harassed at the new job?
Are the pay and benefits as good as (or better than) the job you’re leaving?
Does the new job suit you? The location, the hours, the opportunities?
If you’re asked why you’re leaving your current job, what will you say?
Will your boss at your current job give you a good reference? If not, will a co-worker?
Before you quit your job, talk with a lawyer
This is really important.
If you decide you need to quit your job due to the harassment, or if you get fired after complaining about harassment, we urge you to talk with a lawyer.
A lawyer can help you figure out if there’s a way to make your employer pay you for any costs the harassment created for you, as well as for the hassle and stress. A couple of hundred dollars for a consultation might turn out to be a very smart financial investment.
The most important advice we’re going to give you
If you’ve been harassed, it’s pretty likely you’ll be harassed again.
There are certain kinds of people who face a higher-than-average risk of harassment, and if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of those people.
If you’re a woman. If you’re under 40. If you’re Indigenous or racialized or 2SLGBTQIA+ or disabled. If you’re an immigrant or a refugee. If you don’t speak the dominant language where you live. If you work in a majority-male environment. If you’re not very social. If you’re poor.
The more of those boxes you tick, the higher the risk that you’ll be harassed.
If your risk is high, it’s pretty likely that you will suffer financially from harassment over the course of your working life, maybe many times.
And that means you need to be careful about money. Maybe other people can afford to be sloppy about it. You are not one of those people.
Sexual harassment can hurt your mental health in lots of ways:
It can make you afraid to go to work.
It can make you tense or jumpy or anxious, worrying about what will happen next.
It can affect your sleep, appetite, or ability to enjoy other activities.
It can take up a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it stop.
It can distract you from your work or other priorities. That can make you worry about your performance on the job or other responsibilities.
It can make you irritable and short-tempered, which can cause problems in your relationships.
It can make it harder to feel connected to loved ones or feel understood by others.
One of the biggest ways harassment can harm your mental health is how it can make you (incorrectly!) blame yourself for being harassed.
It’s really common for people to blame themselves. It’s really common for them to feel shame and guilt. Or to feel like it’s proof that they’re a bad person.
This can lead to serious mental health issues.
So we want to say to you very clearly: This is not your fault. Really try to understand and believe that, because it’s important for your mental well-being.
You’re going to be making some decisions about how to handle the harassment, and we want you to understand how those decisions may affect your mental health, as well.
How staying at work may affect your mental health
Many people, when they’re harassed at work, decide to stay in their job and try to cope. Here is what that can look like.
This can work okay. But your body and mind are going to need reassurance that you have removed the threat before they can start to feel safer and less stressed. This is very difficult to do if you were sexually harassed at work and continue to return there.
Also, if the harassment continues, it will go on hurting your sense of safety and well-being. That means more stress on top of other life stressors you might be already experiencing. This can start feeling unsustainable.
Even if the harassment stops, returning to the space where you were harassed can bring up uncomfortable feelings. This is especially true if the harassment took place over a long period of time or was severe.
The result is that many people who stay at work end up feeling burned out.
For some people staying at work turns out fine. But if that’s what you choose to do, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on your mental health to make sure that, if you start to show signs of trauma or burnout, you recognize it and find ways to get the support you need.
Later in this article we’ll tell you some things to look out for. Please try to monitor the state of your mental health. It’s important. Your mental health is worth protecting.
How quitting your job may affect your mental health
Quitting your job might not make sense for you for financial reasons or career reasons. It’s also totally unfair. Why should you have to quit because someone decided to harass you?
But leaving an unsafe situation can be a really good way to protect your mental health, especially if it doesn’t seem like the harassment will end. That doesn’t mean it makes sense for everyone. But if you can quit, it’s worth considering.
If you do quit, you might think that all the stress the harassment is causing you will immediately disappear. But that’s not really what happens. Even after the original source of the stress is gone, its effects can take a longer time to go away.
It’s important to know that leaving your job may also lead you to other stressful situations, like unemployment, underemployment, taking a demotion, or taking a job somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise choose to work. All of these situations can bring their own challenges and lead to you questioning your decision to change jobs.
Still, it’s often best for your mental health to get yourself out of an unsafe environment. It’s only once we’re in a safe space that we can really start to recover from what we’ve gone through. For more about quitting your job, see How to decide whether to quit your job—and how to make that work.
How reporting may affect your mental health
If you have a great employer and supportive co-workers, it’s possible that reporting might go well for you. But unfortunately for many people, the experience of reporting sexual harassment to their employer can be really, really bad for their mental health.
It adds a layer of trauma or distress on top of the pain you already experienced from the sexual harassment.
One thing that’s really common when you report sexual harassment is that people react by sympathizing with the harasser. They may assume you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened.
This happens because it can be easier for people to believe that someone is lying or exaggerating than having to acknowledge that something awful—like sexual harassment—is happening. This isn’t right or fair to you, but is sadly a common bias of many people like employers, supervisors, and co-workers.
Reporting is completely your choice. If you want to report, we support you. But we want you to know about the possible unfair consequences, and how they can make things harder for your mental and physical health. We want you to be prepared.
So here’s what you need to know.
If you report, people at work may treat you coldly, gossip about you, or judge you. They may sympathize with the harasser or believe you’re exaggerating, misunderstanding, or even lying about what happened. Your boss may avoid you, or be stiff or formal with you. They may reduce your hours, make changes to your job that you don’t want or need, or stop treating you well. The harasser may try to sabotage your ability to do your job or try to turn others against you.
If you get involved with a legal process, that can be even more traumatizing.
You may have to describe your experience over and over again, including with people who you don’t know. People in positions of authority may act like they don’t believe you, or like what happened to you was no big deal. It is sadly far too common to not get the outcome you’re seeking, and that can leave you feeling betrayed. Like the system that’s supposed to protect you has completely let you down.
None of this is fair. All of this can be bad for your mental health. It can increase your likelihood of developing PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.
Reporting still might be the right decision for you. But we want you to understand the risks involved so you can prepare for them.
How not reporting may affect your mental health
Some people make the choice to not report sexual harassment out of fear for their safety or well-being, or because of the possible consequences for their career or other aspects of their life.
But not reporting carries some risks, too.
If you decide not to report, you may feel judged by people who want or expect you to make a report. You may feel pressured to speak up when you don’t feel it is safe or what’s best for you. You may feel guilty, not only for yourself but for others who have experienced sexual harassment in the past or could potentially experience it in the future.
Sometimes people say or imply that choosing to not report means you are disappointing or betraying your gender, your race, your sexuality, or other groups that you are a part of. This can lead to feelings of embarrassment, shame, not belonging, self-blame, or guilt. It can also leave you feeling misunderstood and alone.
We want to be clear: No one other than you can or should make this choice for you.
You are not responsible for shouldering the burden of reporting what happened. If the person who harassed you goes on to harass other people in the future, that is entirely the fault of the person who is doing the harassment.
We encourage you to prioritize what is best for you. Whether or not to report is a completely personal decision, and one that you have every right to make for yourself.
Everybody reacts differently to stress, and so there are many signs that can mean your mental health is suffering. Here are some that may help you recognize if that’s happening to you:
You’re feeling lonely and vulnerable.
You’re more irritable and short-tempered than usual.
You’re blaming yourself, feeling like you’re a bad person, feeling guilt or shame.
You’re exhausted.
You’re sleeping more, or less, than you normally do.
You’re eating more, or less, than you normally do.
You’re drinking more alcohol, or using more drugs, than you normally do.
You’re finding yourself withdrawing from your friends and family.
You’re scared to be alone.
You aren’t enjoying things you used to find pleasurable.
You’re having headaches, muscle pain, nausea, gastrointestinal problems or other physical symptoms of stress.
You’re feeling a desire to self-harm.
You’re thinking about ending your life.
You’re feeling hopeless about the future
If at any point you’re wondering if dying would somehow be a resolution to all the suffering you’re going through, it is very important to seek help. Please call a helpline, talk to your family doctor, or go to your nearest hospital. Try to remember that how you are feeling right now will change. The most important thing is for you to stay safe long enough to give yourself the time to start feeling better. Helplines, hospitals, and other professionals—along with family, friends, and other loved ones—can help support you until that happens.
The first thing you need to know is that self-blame is really common. And it can be confusing. Because even when we know rationally that the harassment wasn’t our fault, emotionally we can still feel like it was.
If you’re experiencing self-blame, here are things you might be thinking:
It’s my fault it happened.
I must have said or done something to give them the impression I would be okay with this.
There’s something wrong with me, because they picked me.
People can tell there’s something about me that makes it safe to harass me.
This is my fault, because it’s happened to me before.
I should have known better.
If I hadn’t (stayed late/laughed at their jokes/worn that outfit) none of this would have happened.
These thoughts might make you feel embarrassed, guilty, upset with yourself, or ashamed. But we want to be clear that you did not deserve to be sexually harassed. This is true regardless of what you wear, how you look, how much money you make, where you work, what you do, or anything else.
You did not deserve what happened to you. It was not your fault.
Even so, sometimes we do blame ourselves. To move past that, it can help to understand why we’re doing it.
It’s not your fault
It’s common to wonder what it was about you that caused the sexual harassment.
The truth is the person who harassed you was most likely going to harass somebody. It’s very rare for someone to only sexually harass one person, one time. The person probably harassed other people before you, and they will probably harass more people in the future.
It’s really important to know there’s nothing specific about you that makes you deserving of harassment.
Sexual harassment is incredibly common, and all kinds of people get harassed. Younger people and older people. People who dress modestly and people who don’t. People who are conventionally attractive and people who aren’t. People who are religious and people who aren’t. People who behave the way society expects them to and people who don’t.
Seriously: It’s not about you. It’s not about who you are or what you’ve done.
That’s easy to say, but for a lot of us, it can take a while to truly accept it. Keep reading to understand some more reasons why we struggle with blaming ourselves.
You can’t control other people
After a harmful experience, your brain looks for ways to prevent it from happening again. Even when it’s something you can’t control, like what someone else does, your brain looks for ways you can protect yourself.
Subconsciously, you might be thinking: “If I can figure out what I did to cause this, then I can avoid doing that so this awful thing won’t happen again.”
Imagine if you tripped and hurt yourself. You might go over what you were doing before that. Say, you realize that you were running or not looking where you were going and that’s what led to you falling down. So in the future, you slow down and look more carefully to keep from tripping again.
But things aren’t always in your control. Being sexually harassed is less like you were running and tripped and more like someone pushed you. Replaying everything you did or didn’t do doesn’t actually help you to prevent it from happening again.
It wasn’t something you did
Maybe you dated the person, flirted with them, or had sex with them before. Maybe you knew or suspected that they had a history of being inappropriate with others. Maybe you’ve always looked up to this person, considered them a friend, a mentor, or someone who’s helped you a lot in the past. Maybe it’s happened more than once.
Maybe when it happened you didn’t know how to react so you didn’t say anything. Maybe after it happened you acted overly nice to the person or reassured them it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe the person isn’t the kind of person we think a harasser is: they’re someone really respected in society or more attractive than you or physically smaller or female. So you or others have a hard time believing that person could hurt you. Maybe you really like the person for other reasons and feel torn about seeing them as someone who’s hurt you.
It’s important to know that it’s not unusual if your situation feels more complicated—in fact, that’s the more common situation. The majority of sexual harassment cases involve some kind of complication.
Often the person who sexually harassed you uses those complications to confuse you, to deny it happened, or to convince themselves or others that what they did was okay.
But the truth is they harassed you.
Why people sometimes don’t believe you
It’s possible that, after you experience sexual harassment, someone you tell minimizes, dismisses, or flat-out doesn’t believe you when you tell them what happened.
The person you tell may ask you what you did, what you wore, or how you responded, implying that this was somehow because of you. That makes it even harder to not feel responsible.
Why do people question you or not believe you? There can be lots of reasons.
They may be surprised or in shock.
They may be unable to believe that you could be hurt.
They may be unable to think that someone they trust or respect would harass another person.
They may want to protect the person who harassed you or the company where you work.
They may have an idea of what counts (and what doesn’t count) as sexual harassment. Like, they may assume it can only happen if the person is physically violent.
They may think you must have done something to cause or deserve it.
We are slowly getting better at changing those reactions, but there’s still a strong assumption that somehow sexual harassment is avoidable.
If A Robbery Report Was Treated Like A Rape Report, Cynthia Kao
What can help
It can be helpful to realize why our brain replays over (and over and over) why we think it was our fault. Remember that, even if your brain is able to identify something you could have done differently, that’s not the same thing as you being the one who caused the harassment.
Remember that, at the time, you might not have known everything that you now know. Even if there are certain things you would change now, at the time you likely didn’t have all the information to know what to do or what not to do.
Ask yourself: “How would I feel if a close friend was in my situation instead of me?” Would you place the same level of blame on them? Or would you feel more patient or protective? Many people find it easier to be understanding with a friend than they are with themselves. For the same reasons you wouldn’t blame a friend after they were sexually harassed, you also don’t deserve that blame.
Remember that the harassment doesn’t define you or your self-worth. This is something that happened to you. This is something that can have a big impact on you. But this was not because of you. The sexual harassment is entirely because of the person who harassed you.
Talk to someone who is understanding and supportive. Explain to them how asking certain questions may make you feel blamed and clarify how they can better support you. A lot of the time, we just need someone who will listen and make an effort to understand. If it’s hard to find someone in your life who can do this, consider speaking to a counsellor, therapist, or health care worker who has experience in working with people around sexual harassment. If it’s difficult to access professional help, consider calling a helpline.
Important
Sometimes it can be triggering to read about anxiety. Please pay attention to how you’re feeling as you read this, and take a break if you feel you need to.
Sexual harassment is inherently scary, and feeling afraid or anxious is totally understandable.
Some of the things you may be worrying about:
Is the harassment going to get worse?
What if they won’t stop?
What if they hurt me again?
If I report it will this only get worse?
What’s going to happen to my career if other people find out?
Should I report it?
Should I try to talk to the harasser, to try to get them to stop?
If I manage to stop them, will they take it out on someone else?
Did I do something to cause this?
What if no one believes me?
What if this somehow gets turned against me and I get in trouble?
Will I get fired?
If I say something to HR and nothing happens, how will I be able to keep working here?
That fear can be self-protective, as it is alerting you to possible threats and trying to keep you safe. Anxiety can affect your sleep, appetite, memory, ability to focus, and overall mood. If you’re feeling really anxious and stressed, you may also start to feel more impatient, irritable, or confused, or have difficulty enjoying things that usually make you happy.
When you’re feeling anxious, you might find it hard to bring a typical level of focus to your work or personal life. You might be making mistakes in a way that’s unusual for you. This can compound the anxiety and lead to an increase in overall stress.
Anxiety can show up in thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical symptoms.
Thoughts: It can be a state of thinking, like thoughts that replay over and over again, or worries—a lot of “what ifs” like the ones above.
Emotions:It can be a feeling you experience that is similar to feeling scared, afraid, tense, or uneasy.
Behaviours: It can make you pace, double-check on things, bite your nails, avoid situations that feel scary, or seek reassurance from others.
Physical symptoms: It can cause physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, trouble breathing, and nausea.
What are panic attacks
Panic attacks can be confusing, especially if you haven’t experienced them before. They can occur in your body even at times when you are not “feeling” anxious or having anxious thoughts.
It’s easy to mistake panic attacks for heart attacks or other health issues. If you are unsure what is happening, please seek medical advice. Once you’ve been able to rule out other possible concerns, it can be helpful to recognize that you’re having a panic attack and remind yourself that you are safe and okay.
The physical symptoms of panic attacks are veryreal. What you are experiencing is real. But a panic attack is not physically harmful. You cannot die from a panic attack. Tell yourself that, despite how it feels, you will be okay and the panic will go away eventually. Think of your panic attack as a false alarm.
It’s important to know that anxiety is treatable. People with anxiety disorders can feel better, most often from the support of health care professionals.
Anxiety and fear happen when we feel unsafe. If you’re able to take steps toward safety, you may notice less anxiety as your mind and body adjust to no longer being in as much danger. However, even when you are safe, you may continue to feel on high alert. It can be helpful to remind yourself when you are in a safe environment by saying things like, “I’m safe now.”
Often during this time it can be hard to prioritize taking care of ourselves; but while these strategies don’t solve the issue, they can make a difference to our ability to handle the sources of stress. It can be really difficult or even feel impossible to take care of yourself when you’re struggling. Exercise, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, trying to sleep, and spending time with loved ones can all help us to cope better. If this is hard for you right now, we get it. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Instead, pay attention to what you are already doing well, even if it’s something small. You Feel Like Shit is a game that gives tips for self-care. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow Tiny Care Bot for self-care reminders.
When feeling anxious, it is common for people to start doing things like drinking or eating more, shopping more, or spending more time watching TV, on social media, or playing video games. If this sounds like you, be patient with yourself and understanding about why you may be seeking distraction. There’s no benefit to judging yourself. If these behaviours are starting to have a significant impact on your health, relationships, finances, etc., be honest with yourself and seek help. Connect with a professional—a therapist, a helpline—or consider small steps you can take to reduce the harms you are experiencing.
Important
If you continue to feel anxious or afraid, consider talking with a professional. A helpline can assist, or your family doctor, or a therapist who’s trained to support people who have experienced work stress, sexual harassment, and/or sexual assault.
Another thing that can be very helpful is to find ways to change your perspective. Anxiety Canada may have some useful resources for you.
We often lump together sadness and depression, but they’re actually quite different.
Let’s start with sadness.
We feel sad when we’re hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Sadness, like all emotions, eventually goes away. But if we try to minimize it or ignore it, it can last a lot longer.
Often we don’t feel comfortable feeling sad. And so it may feel natural to want to distract yourself or avoid feeling that way. When growing up, you might have been taught to bottle up your feelings of sadness and pretend everything was okay.
When we don’t know how to handle sadness, we can often feel alone and lost. Remember that sadness is something that everyone experiences. Ignoring your sadness can make things worse. As strange as it sounds, giving yourself permission to feel sad can help you to feel happier. Sadness can help push us to make changes, to problem-solve, and to connect with people who care about us.
Depression is different: It’s a mood disorder. People with depression experience a low mood that lasts more than several weeks and as long as many years. We need help to address depression.
People with depression tend to get better with a mix of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. Not everyone has access to these things, however. If you can’t afford therapy or don’t have access to a therapist, you may be able to find help through a support group or community mental health organization.
There may be reasons why you feel hesitant to try these options. There is often a lot of stigma surrounding mental health conditions like depression. People may think “it’s all in your head” or that you can “will yourself to get over it.” But depression is real and it’s not something you can fix just by being strong. Depression can happen to anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional strength.
Often, people who are depressed report that they don’t feel sad as much as they feel numb. Without depression, people experience common ups and downs on the roller-coaster of emotions. But someone with depression can feel flat, where it’s hard to have any strong feeling.
Many people with depression experience what’s called anhedonia—things don’t feel as fun, beautiful, enjoyable, or meaningful. It’s almost like you’re living life with a grey cloud over everything. Your favourite music doesn’t sound as good. A delicious meal doesn’t taste that good. You watch a funny movie but you’re not laughing. People you ordinarily love spending time with no longer make you feel happy. Anhedonia makes it harder for you to be able to feel like this is something you still enjoy.
Recognizing anhedonia can help you realize that your emotions are not necessarily reliable at this moment. That music may still be good, the meal delicious, the comedy funny, the relationship loving—even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It can be helpful to separate what things actually are from how they might feel right now.
Another common symptom that makes it hard to cope is the strong sense of hopelessness that can come with depression. Hopelessness lies to us. It tells us that things are never going to get better and there’s no point in trying. But it’s not true. It’s the hopelessness talking.
Remember that, even when you’re feeling hopeless, there’s at least a small part of you that still feels a little hopeful. That’s the part of you that’s taking the time to read this article, a part that still thinks deep down it’s possible that something can help.
We want you to know that part of you is correct. People with depression do get better. It can be difficult. It can take a long time. You may feel exhausted or discouraged along the way. But you can feel happy again.
What can help
You can feel happy and sad at the same time. Being sad about one thing doesn’t take away your ability to feel happy about something else at the same time. Try to avoid seeing things as all-or-nothing. Instead, try to notice times when things are in between the extremes.
You can’t “fix” your sadness, but you can sit with it for a while. Listen to some music. Read a book or story about someone else’s sadness. Write out how you are feeling. Or make something creative (even if you’re not artistic) to express your sadness.
Try not to judge yourself for feeling sad. Remember that everyone feels sad from time to time. Your sadness is valid. You’ve been through a lot and someone has hurt or disappointed you. There’s no need to apologize for your feelings. Sadness reminds us that we, as people, need connection. The way to feel connected with others is to open up and be vulnerable. This can be scary, so it’s important to pick the right person, someone who is able to be understanding and kind.
Let go of the fear that talking with sadness will burden others. If you’re worried about this, you can ask the person ahead of time if they are able to listen and be a support. Rather than apologize for how you feel, say thank you.
Crying. Find a safe, comfortable place and let yourself cry. Crying lowers your cortisol level—cortisol is the main hormone that causes stress—and can help you to feel less stressed or overwhelmed. Crying is a way to connect with the pain you are feeling and can be an emotional release that makes you feel better afterward.
Notice if you are trying to numb yourself from your sadness. If you were taught that it’s wrong or bad to feel sad, you are likely to try to distract yourself. You might eat too much. You might start using substances like alcohol or drugs more. You might distract yourself with TV, video games, shopping, gambling, work, or other things to keep your mind off of how you feel. It’s common and understandable to do this. But notice when it becomes too much, as it can lower your mood more. These distractions can make it harder to recover from what you’ve been through.
If you are feeling really down and having low energy, adjust your expectations for yourself. It’s not possible to always be productive or have energy. On days when you are exhausted and struggling to get out of bed, be kind to yourself and focus on only what is necessary. If you have children or pets, make sure they are being taken care of. If you don’t feel able to care for them, make sure to ask someone else to help you with their care.
Try to avoid “comparative suffering.” This happens when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t complain or be sad because others have it worse than we do. But sadness and other emotions don’t work that way. Someone else being sad or having more of a reason to feel sad won’t change how you feel. What’s more, the person who supposedly has it worse doesn’t benefit from your being harsh on yourself for feeling sad. Instead, validate your emotions. When you feel sad, you’re not saying that no one else has ever had it worse. But you do feel sad and you have reason to feel sad.
It can be helpful to watch out for the “arrival fallacy”—telling yourself happiness is just around the corner. You might be thinking, “I’ll be happy when I switch jobs.” Or “I’ll feel better after my HR department talks to the person who harassed me.” Or “I’ll be much better once the court procedure is over.” You might expect everything to get better, but what’s more likely is that some things will get a bit better, but others will stay challenging. So it can make you feel worse.
Remember that we care about you. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone. There is a large community of people who can relate to what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling, and who—even though they don’t know you personally—want you to feel better.
Important
If your sadness, depression, or hopelessness means you’re feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt others, please seek immediate help. It can be scary to tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s absolutely necessary when your life is at risk. Tell a friend or family member you trust. Call a helpline. If you have a family doctor or therapist, let them know how you feel. If you need to, go to the hospital. Remember that how you are feeling will change. The dark hole you feel you’re in will not last forever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay safe long enough to start to feel better.
After experiencing sexual harassment, it’s understandable if you feel angry.
Anger is your mind and body telling you that something is wrong. And that’s true. The sexual harassment you experienced and any difficulty afterward are wrong and unfair.
Anger is neither positive or negative. It’s not right or wrong to feel anger. Rather, it’s a signal that you are not okay with something that is happening. It makes total sense as a response to sexual harassment.
Besides feeling anger toward the person who sexually harassed you, you may also be angry at others, like your employer, co-workers, or the company you work for. You may be angry at your community, the media, or the legal system for believing the harasser over you. You may also get angry at yourself, blaming yourself for what happened.
Anger happens when we feel a need to protect ourselves. There can be a lot of other complex emotions underneath our anger, like feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, misunderstood, scared, embarrassed, worried, ashamed, guilty, or sad. Sometimes, especially if we think of ourselves as being strong, it may be easier to get angry than feel those other more vulnerable emotions.
It’s possible to have misdirected anger, where the person or thing you’re upset with isn’t the actual reason for your pain. Most often, the people who are the targets of our misdirected anger are the people who are the safest to do that with. So, when you feel unsafe at work, you may find yourself yelling at people at home. If you have a loved one who is always there for you, you may get angry with them. This happens because you know they’ll stand by you or forgive you. It’s important to recognize when this is happening so you can stop yourself from taking out your anger on the wrong person.
Understanding your anger
Here are some of the things you may be thinking when you’re angry:
How could they do this to me?
People are always going to hurt me!
I hate them!
Why did I ever trust them?
The system is broken; it only helps the rich and powerful
What is wrong with them?
What is wrong with me?
No one ever helps me!
They are all idiots!
It’s not fair!
I want to punch somebody!
People are out to get me.
These thoughts are totally understandable. It makes sense to feel violated by sexual harassment, and to be furious about it.
There can be a lot of ways we show (or don’t show) our anger. Usually, they’re a sign of what we’ve learned about feeling angry.
Were you taught as a kid that it’s wrong to be angry? Did adults in your life ignore their anger and pretend everything was fine? Did you think you had to explode and lash out in order to be taken seriously? Were you taught that powerful people feel angry and weak people feel sad? Recognizing these lessons can help you decide what patterns you want to continue and what changes you want to make.
The truth is that anger doesn’t feel good. It’s designed to be uncomfortable because it’s our body’s way of pushing us to protect ourselves in some way. Because it’s so uncomfortable, we often want to move away from the angry feelings as quickly as possible. This is why you may need to take a moment before reacting. But remember that’s different from bottling up your anger. It’s important to not ignore your anger—it’s telling you something and it needs your attention.
Although your anger is justified, you may be upset with yourself for feeling this way. That’s right—you can get angry at yourself for being angry! A lot of times, others tell us or we tell ourselves not to get angry or that it’s wrong to do that. Anger can be very uncomfortable. Despite this, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, so long as you remain safe and refrain from hurting yourself or others.
There are people who never feel angry, while there are others who always feel angry. If you rarely feel anger, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to recognize, express, and connect with your anger. If, however, you always feel angry, odds are that you are also someone who feels a lot of hurt and pain. Anger is most often a result of three possible things:
feeling hurt
not having your expectations met
not having your needs met
If you are “always” angry, chances are that all three of these experiences are familiar.
It can take time to process your feelings of anger. It can require you to adjust your perspective about what you know about others and how things work.
Sometimes the anger you feel toward the person who sexually harassed you is overshadowed by feelings of betrayal because of the way people you turn to for support let you down. Not having people there to understand and help you can feel like an ultimate betrayal. If this is your experience, it makes sense that your feelings of anger and betrayal would be strong.
What can help
Try to not judge your feelings as “good” or “bad.” Instead, try to be mindful about what your anger is telling you.
If you’re feeling upset, give yourself time to cool off. If possible, step away from the situation, go for a walk, listen to music, or talk to a close friend. Take more than a couple of minutes for this—it can take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to start to calm down after getting angry. Try to give yourself that time.
Pay attention to early signs of anger (like a tight jaw or feeling warmer). When you recognize it earlier, you’re better able to address things before you feel full-blown rage. Still, anger can happen very quickly. If you suddenly feel a 10 out of 10 anger, remember that your job right then is to focus on calming yourself down. If you can get to a six or seven out of 10 you can start to think more clearly. Then you can explore what you’re needing.
Ask yourself what other emotions you are feeling underneath the anger. Often these help you to understand needs that are going unmet. Feeling misunderstood shows you need understanding. Feeling scared means you need reassurance and safety. Feeling alone means you need human connection.
Watch out for “should” statements—those thoughts you have about how you should feel, think, or act. These mean you’re judging yourself against the (false!) idea that there’s a “right” way to be.
Important
Recognize the difference between healthy and destructive anger. It’s never wrong to feel the emotion of anger, but our actions when angry can range from being helpful to causing extra pain and suffering.
Allow yourself the space and time to feel your anger, betrayal, and pain. Talking to someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental can be helpful. If you do this, be sure to clarify when you want emotional support and when you want problem-solving. Most often people assume that you want them to offer suggestions or find a way to quickly change how you’re feeling. In reality, though, it’s more common to just want to be heard and understood. Here’s bestselling author Brené Brown the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Anger can also be a helpful alert that something is wrong or unjust, which can motivate us to seek justice in some way. You may decide to report the harassment or take legal action, even if you’re unsure what will come from doing this. So, document everything from the very beginning, even if you don’t think you’re going to use it for anything.
