# How can I talk with the harasser to get them to stop? > URL: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/how-can-i-talk-with-the-harasser-to-get-them-to-stop/ > Language: en > Description: You're not obligated to confront your harasser, and it often won't work. If you try, aim only to make clear the behaviour is unwelcome. --- Warning If you don’t feel safe trying to talk directly with the harasser, don’t do it. Trust your instincts. The first thing you need to know is that *you don’t have to do this*. We’re telling you that because talking directly to the harasser is something lots of people feel pressured or obligated to do. Their employer may pressure them to do it. They may feel like they’re being a coward if they don’t. They may feel like it’s only fair to warn the harasser and give them a chance to change. But that assumes the person is harassing you by accident, because they’re confused or clueless. Which usually isn’t true. The truth is, most harassers are doing it on purpose. They don’t care if the harassment bothers you, or they are *trying* to bother you. That means they’re not likely to stop just because you ask them to. You still might want to try. If so, your goal should be to make it clear that their behaviour is surprising and not welcome. - It’s okay if the conversation is tense. - You don’t need the harasser to agree that their behaviour is wrong. - You don’t need to agree about anything. - You don’t need to end up friendly. ## Scripts that may help you **talk with the harasser** Yikes, I am really not a hugger! Wow, that’s a really personal question! Hey, that’s a weird joke! If the person immediately stops—and even better, apologizes—then that’s great and your problem may be solved. If not, you could try speaking more directly. Like this: You talk a lot about how I look and it’s making me uncomfortable. I’d like to ask you to stop. There is a lot of explicit sex talk here and it’s really not my style. I’d appreciate it if you could scale it way back. The more specific you can be, the better. You guys make a lot of jokes about me being a woman. It feels aggressive to me, like you’re saying women don’t belong here. I would really like it if you would stop. When you touch me, it really bothers me. I need you not to do that. I don’t want people at work to touch me like that. I know I might be the first trans person you’ve worked with. But I need you to stop asking me questions about it. It’s not my job to talk to you about trans stuff. I find it strange when you give me advice about how to be more masculine. I am happy to talk about other stuff, but I’d like it if we could drop that particular subject. --- ## Article reviewers Aftermetoo articles are reviewed by members of the following panel of people and organizations. Not every member reviewed every article; regional articles were reviewed by lawyers in that jurisdiction. - Kathleen Avery, LLB, lawyer, Yukon Workers’ Safety and Compensation Board - Barbara Bergmann, JD, lawyer, Workplace Sexual Harassment Clinic/Yukon Legal Services Society - Meredith Brown, JD, lawyer, Calibrate - Stephen Carpenter, LLB, lawyer, Workers Compensation Board of PEI - Amber Chisholm, JD, associate director, Public Legal Education and Information Service of New Brunswick (PLEIS-NB) - Callandra Cochrane, JD, lawyer, Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic - Alexander Dezan, JD, legal counsel, Yukon Human Rights Commission - Sandra Guarascio, JD, lawyer, investigator, facilitator, Roper Greyell LLP Employment + Labour Lawyers - Andrea Gunraj, vice-president, public engagement, Canadian Women’s Foundation - Sara Hanson, JD, senior associate, Moore Edgar Lyster LLP - Noah Jacobs, BA, Public Legal Information Association of NL - Khurram Khurshid, LLB, research officer, New Brunswick Human Rights Commission - Raphaëlle Laframboise-Carignan, JD, lawyer, RavenLaw LLP - Kevin Love, JD, lawyer, Community Legal Assistance Society, BC - Sarah McCoubrey, BFA, JD, MEd, lawyer, Calibrate - Lesley McCullough, JD, founder and director, Workplace Sexual Harassment Legal Clinic, Yukon - Alison McEwen, JD, RavenLaw LLP - Garreth McGrath, JD, legal support navigator, Public Legal Information Association of NL - Sarah McHugh-Wade, BA, legal support navigator, the Journey Project - Sandra MacKenzie, JD, lawyer, Lawson Lundell LLP - Anna-Marie Manley, LLB, lawyer, Patterson Law - Deepa Mattoo, LLB, lawyer and executive director, Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic - Loretta Merritt, LLB, LLM, lawyer, Torkin Manes Barristers & Solicitors - Chetan Muram, JD, counsel, Toronto Workers’ Health and Safety Legal Clinic - Gobhina Nagarajah, JD, staff solicitor, Newfoundland and Labrador Human Rights Commission - Alex Norris, JD, associate, Carbert Waite LLP - Anita Nowinka, BSc, JD, associate, Carbert Waite LLP - Kim Nutz, JD, Sunstone Legal in association with West Legal - Kevin O’Shea, JD, executive director, Public Legal Information Association of NL - Coral Rajchgot, LLB, JD, former intern, Aftermetoo - Carley Reynolds, BA, criminology; JD, counsel, Donich Law - Lucie Roubin, avocate, Juripop - Ginette Savoie, director, Workers’ Advocate, Government of New Brunswick - Paméla Schiavoni, JD, lawyer, New Brunswick Human Rights Commission - Mary Shortall, president, Newfoundland and Labrador Federation of Labour - Morgan Sim, JD, MA, international relations, lawyer, Parker Sim LLP - Cécile Simon, JD, avocate-conseillère, Juripop, Bureau du respect de la personne - Michelle Squires, JD, project manager, Canadian Mental Health Association, York Region - Dayna Steinfeld, LLB, JD, Winnipeg lead lawyer, RavenLaw LLP - Keir Vallance, JD, lawyer, Bainbridge Jodouin Cheecham Barristers & Solicitors - Sherri Walsh, JD, managing partner, Hill Sokalski Walsh LLP - Madeleine Werker, JD, associate, Grosman Gale Fletcher Hopkins LLP - Canadian Labour Congress - The Help and Information Center on Workplace Harassment (GAIHST) - Newfoundland and Labrador Human Rights Commission